Sounds like perfect English to me. Very good arguments and very neat style. I don't think you'll have anything to worry about.
I do appreciate every input.
Timed essay (30 mins)
In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.
“I would like to spend more time on studying,” most students I have known would utter. “I don’t want my children to work while studying; they could be easily distracted,” their parents would chime in. Two valid opinions. However, if students were deprived of an opportunity to put their hands on real jobs, I cannot imagine how their lives as adults would be.
Responsibility should not be confined to schoolwork only; instead, it should go beyond that realm. Students who decide to work while studying will learn how to be responsible for their school—and their lives. This is a skill—to deal with several responsibilities simultaneously—we all will learn as adults. Adults are responsible for their family, their work, the bills, etc. It is innocuous to have students learn to take more than one responsibility in their early age; it is a way of preparing them to face one facet of the adult world.
Students who get to work while studying know that they can always learn to apply their classroom skills to that of their real lives. A linguistics student may work as an English teacher assistant and thus learn how language develops in childhood. Further, a law student may work in a court to get a sense of how law works or how the laws they study in the books can be applied to real cases. Jobs become a platform for students to learn both practice and theory.
A job, moreover, is an excellent opportunity students can learn of their genuine interest. Most students I have known admit that they are unaware of their real interest; they are in dark of their future. To be able to work in the field they think they might be interested in, then, is to have them take a road test. It is an opportunity for them to see if they really have interest in the job, so they won’t have to waste time studying what they do not like.
Working while studying after all is not so bad an idea as most students and parents conceive. If students can balance their work and school, they will learn outside of their classroom. They will be ready to face reality.
If I saw this essay on my screen when grading TOEFL essays, I'd be so happy. It's very nicely written, although it's a bit on the short side. But I wish it were "developed" a hair more.
As an English teacher, though, it looks to me like it's been edited several times, as only practiced writers are able to avoid some of the pitfalls you've avoided and to use some of the complex structures you've used.
If you're able to produce such an essay in the allotted time, then you are truly a good writer, and I would imagine you'll do well in college in the US.
Hope to hear more from you.
☼ Waiting for Godot
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