Hey, Simon...I think that I am not good writter, but I can point out the your following mistakes:
On first sentence:
you must use ; before whereas when combine 2 sentences in 1 sentence.
row 3 in para 1: ...as soon as they start to go to school.
row 1: if must use the structure 'so+adj/adv+that'
row 2: the process is called (passive)
row 3:for people to grow.(structure:It's+adj+for+noun+to+Verb)
row 5:...had to read(parallel structure)
row 6:avoid learning
row 2: they miss
row 4: there is an
row 4: his life.
row 1: invalid , before 'and', should omit 'both'.
row 2:Therefore, I am convinced to begin...starting school.It's the best decision we can make.(becoz you shouldn't use much cmplex sentences )
row 3: invalid ','
About your ideal:
ideal 1: ok
But ideal 2 and ideal 3 may be the same.
Intro, conclusion: ok