Please rate my essay ASAP - I'm taking the TOEFL this Monday!

**epony** · 09-23-2006, 07:42 PM

Question:

Compare and contrast your way of life with that of your parents. Which way of life do you think would be more satisfying to future generations?
Use reasons and specific examples to support your opinion.

It always surpsrises me how different my way of life is from my parents', and nevertheless, how many similarities exist between the two.

My typical weekday consists of working approximately 10 hours per day, and devoting at least 6 more hours to other activities, such as learning, meeting with friends, watching TV, etc., eventually getting an average of only 6 or 7 hours of sleep. My parents, on the other hand, sleep at least 8 hours a night, work at a less strenuous pace than I do, and have fewer activities scheduled during the evening.

Despite these differences, I've come to realize that all things considered, both my parents and I spend most of our waking time on very similar activities, be it working, going out with friends or enjoying a TV program.

Additionally, it recently dawned on me that my cultural tastes, albeit quite dissimilar from those of my parents, have also become somewhat rooted, and that, for example, I now seldom enjoy current pop music, and prefer listening to the music I grew up on. Thus, while my taste in music definitely differs from that of my parents, it's apparent that in the future it would also be doomed to be ridiculed as anachronistic by my children.

Moreover, I've found that as opposed to when I was a teenager, a period in which I had rarely held the same opinions as my parents, I'm now much more prone to be in agreement with them, and even ask them for recommendations on various topics, from politics, through literature, to how I should raise my own children some day.

In summary, while my way of life greatly differs from that of my parents, there are many aspects of our lives that are actually quite similar in essence, if not exactly in actuality.

**advancemed** · 10-04-2006, 05:18 PM

please rate my essay compare and contrast your way of life with that of your parents. which way do you think would be more satisfying to future generations?

I belive that our way of life has changed than that of our parents. The most important reason, I belive is because we are more carrier oriented than our parents. we are also more adaptable. I believe that way of living lives will keep changing generation to generation according to the needs and society.

First of all as I said, we became more carrier oriented as the importance of education has increased. We became aware how necessary it is for each person to be said as a educated person. To meet the requrements of education we have changed our way of living our lives. For instance, today I am pharmacist. Due to my work I have to relinquish some responsibilities towards my family, which were most important for my mother. My mother was not working, my father was the only breadwinner for my family. On the other hand, today, my husband and I are equally responsible for earning as well as for household work.

Secondly, my parents were religious to their culture. on the other hand we are quite adaptable. For instance, in our culture it is a sin to eat non-vegetarian food. But today we need to travel other contries so we need to eat it. It would be difficult for our parents to adjust in other contries.
They were kind of obsolete. Their thinking was so different than ours.

They didn't like change in their lives. They always liked to stick to their routine. For instance, my grand father was a farmer and so my father in his life. He never tried to do something different than that. While we like changes in our lives. even if we observe something new in our friends we like to try it out, whether it's in a matter of cloths or business.

In conclusion, I would say that we have improved the way of living our lives than it was at the time of our parents. And I also belive that this will keep improving in the future as well.

**rocky80** · 10-08-2006, 11:19 AM

i rate the first essay as - 3.5/6 and the as 4.5/6 they are my ratings which arent recognised anywhere so por favor, el señor. dont foster any feelings -as i am not even a bit qualified to rate the essays. rather i have penned down my views in succession of the above two.por favor, el señor. rate mine- "A comparison when made between my way of living with my parents can be gauged in terms of several parameters some of which are professional,cultural, religious , humanitarian , social and psychological [ etc]. A break-up of my view under the rubric of the mentioned parameters will elaborate the actual living standards of mine when compared against my parents. when it comes to professional way of living I ought to be more ambitous and more career oriented than my parents and when it comes to cultural portfolio our parents take the lead, for them retaining the inherited culture and its bequest is the most important. Relious way of living is equal for both of us as my parents always worshipped and prayed to god ,i am a sheer fundamentalist with a great tolerence towards other religions too. social values and manners tend be more or less same for these being wholly of inherited in nature . coming to humanitarian portfolio i think that my parents are more gullible than me , for i seldom believes in someone`s words and for tha sam reason i do confess that i refrain myself in donations that seems to be somewhat deceiving.lastly, when my lifestyle is compared in psychological terms the views are obvious , i rather every son/daughter lives in a much more stressed milieu and pressurized environment, the reason being competition and of course our ambitions rather these stresses are incresed exponentially with the every generation. To conclude , me as well as my parents have thrived in the environment and society which suited well to both of us. my lifestyle will be idiosyncratic in my parents era and so does the inverse law also hold good. It cant be judged which one is "better", coz the they lived well with the people of their time and so do I. if their ways can be termed as "obsolete" by us..my ways can be called "ridiculous" by them. I wont adopt their ways and they wont relinquish theirs."

**epony** · 10-08-2006, 04:30 PM

Originally Posted by rocky80

"A comparison when made [from a style perspective, this opening is imperfect - it seems as if you're overreaching] between my way of living with my parents can be gauged in terms of several parameters, some of which are: professional,cultural, religious , humanitarian , social and psychological [ etc] [if you wish to use "etc.", add it to the list and don't forget a period, e.g. "humanitarian, social, psychological, etc."]
[your spacing around punctuation marks is problematic: there should be a space after every comma, period, semicolon or colon, with no preceding space, as you can see in this sentence.]

A break-up of my view under the rubric of the mentioned parameters will elaborate the actual living standards of mine when compared against my parents. [very complex sentence without much needed punctuation - remember the first rule of English style (see style guide recommendation in the forum): "Use the shortest possible means to convey your message".] When it comes to professional way of living, I ought to be more ambitious and more career-oriented than my parents, and when it comes to cultural portfolio, our parents take the lead, [again, a very complex sentence. In this spot you should probably put a semicolon or full stop.] for them retaining the inherited culture and its bequest is the most important.

Relious [should be "religious"] way of living is equal for both of us [I'm pretty sure this isn't a valid statement in English] as my parents always worshipped and prayed to god ,i am a sheer fundamentalist [sheer isn't right here; you could even do without any adjective to accompany "fundamentalist" as it is in itself a strong description of your devoutness] with a great tolerence [should be: "tolerance"] towards other religions too [some will rebuke this statement as illogical, as fundamentalists are generally considered to be intolerant of other beliefs].

Social values and manners tend be more or less same ["the same" or "similar" for these being wholly of inherited in nature [I didn't understand what you were trying to say here...] .

Coming to humanitarian portfolio,i think that my parents are more gullible than me ["I am" instead of "me"] , for i seldom believes [should be: "believe"] in someone`s ["in" is unnecessary, and "someone's" should probably be "anyone's" in this case] words and for tha sam [missing "e" in "same"] reason i do confess that irefrain myself in donations [problematic phrasing; "I avoid making donations to charity" is probably better] that seems ["seem" is correct because it's related to the plural "donations"] to be somewhat deceiving.

lastly, when my lifestyle is compared in psychological terms the views are obvious [incomplete sentence; "compared" should be followed by "to"] , [the comma isn't right here. A semicolon or full stop would be better] i rather [wrong use of "rather"; it doesn't fit witht he following sentenec at all!] every son/daughter [it's probably better to use "or" instead of the slash ("/"). Also, you're missing a "'s"] lives in a much more stressed milieu [wrong word usage in my humble opinion, "environment" is better here] and pressurized environment [here's "environment" alright, but using both "milieu" and "environment" is somewhat redundant. I think writing it: "in a much more stressed environment" is much more concise and accurate, the reason being competition [incomplete - what competition? what is the reason?] and of course our ambitions [there should probably be a period here. You must simplify you're writing and use much more concise sentences!] rather these stresses ["pressures" is more appropriate here] are increased exponentially with the [no need for "the" here] every generation.

To conclude , me [should be: "I"], as well as my parents, [alternative: "both me and my parents"] have thrived in the environment and society which suited well to both of us [wrong. I suggest: "which suited us both well"] . my lifestyle will be idiosyncratic in my parents' era and so does the inverse law also hold good [very problematic sentence, from the use of "idiosyncratic" to the inaccurate ending. alternative ending: "...and vice versa" - clean and simple!]. It can't be judged [wrong word usage] which one is "better", coz [I'm assuming you mean: "because". Never use slang in an essay!] the [redundant - I'm assuming you doubled the "they" that follows this word by mistake] they lived well with the people of their time and so do I [you should be careful when using these parallelisms. what exactly does "so do I" mean here? who do you live well with: the people of your parents' time?!]. if their ways can be termed as "obsolete" by us.. [who's "us" and what are these 2 periods doing here?] my ways can be called "ridiculous" by them. I won't adopt their ways and they won't relinquish theirs."

To summarize my critique, I suggest you pay special attention to the following:
- It's best to run a spell checker and better indent and space your essay. As Erin posted in the guidelines to the TWE forum, an indent of 5 spaces at the beginning of each space is recommended. I, personally, also prefer to leave a blank space between paragraphs to improve readability. See below for a comparison between the essay as you've written it, and the way it "should" be spaced (I usually use use both indentation and line spacing, but each on its own is also sufficient):
- Review punctuation regulations, especially in regard to spacing.
- Shorten your sentences - in English, shorter is considered better!
- Review capitalization rules: always capitalize "I" when it stands on its own, and always capitalize the first letter in a sentence.
- I suggest you avoid even the simplest "word shortcuts", e.g. "won't", "I'm", "aren't" etc. using the longer version of these expressions (e.g. "will not", "I am", "are not", etc.) adds formality to your essay and eliminates the chances of omitting apostrophes.
- Read English newspapers and magazines, such as: Wall Street Journal, Herald Tribune, Time, etc. I believe that drawing from these resources will significantly improve your writing style (I suspect that you've been reading much more complex academic materials rather than everyday writings, which is why you strive to write in such a complicated and eventually cumbersome manner. All I can say is that I've suffered from the same problem, and only started simplifying my essays after I realized that this style of writing is eventually more harmful than beneficial!)

Final grade for this essay: 2.5/3.0 - While it's evident that your command of the written word is impressive for a non-native English speaker, you suffer from many basic drawbacks that seriously harm your writing.

Appendix: The effect of indentation and spacing on the readability of an essay

ORIGINAL
A comparison when made between my way of living with my parents can be gauged in terms of several parameters some of which are professional,cultural, religious , humanitarian , social and psychological [ etc]. A break-up of my view under the rubric of the mentioned parameters will elaborate the actual living standards of mine when compared against my parents. when it comes to professional way of living I ought to be more ambitous and more career oriented than my parents and when it comes to cultural portfolio our parents take the lead, for them retaining the inherited culture and its bequest is the most important. Relious way of living is equal for both of us as my parents always worshipped and prayed to god ,i am a sheer fundamentalist with a great tolerence towards other religions too. social values and manners tend be more or less same for these being wholly of inherited in nature . coming to humanitarian portfolio i think that my parents are more gullible than me , for i seldom believes in someone`s words and for tha sam reason i do confess that i refrain myself in donations that seems to be somewhat deceiving.lastly, when my lifestyle is compared in psychological terms the views are obvious , i rather every son/daughter lives in a much more stressed milieu and pressurized environment, the reason being competition and of course our ambitions rather these stresses are incresed exponentially with the every generation. To conclude , me as well as my parents have thrived in the environment and society which suited well to both of us. my lifestyle will be idiosyncratic in my parents era and so does the inverse law also hold good. It cant be judged which one is "better", coz the they lived well with the people of their time and so do I. if their ways can be termed as "obsolete" by us..my ways can be called "ridiculous" by them. I wont adopt their ways and they wont relinquish theirs.

INDENTED & SPACED
A comparison when made between my way of living with my parents can be gauged in terms of several parameters some of which are professional,cultural, religious , humanitarian , social and psychological [ etc]. A break-up of my view under the rubric of the mentioned parameters will elaborate the actual living standards of mine when compared against my parents.

when it comes to professional way of living I ought to be more ambitous and more career oriented than my parents and when it comes to cultural portfolio our parents take the lead, for them retaining the inherited culture and its bequest is the most important.

Relious way of living is equal for both of us as my parents always worshipped and prayed to god ,i am a sheer fundamentalist with a great tolerence towards other religions too. social values and manners tend be more or less same for these being wholly of inherited in nature .

coming to humanitarian portfolio i think that my parents are more gullible than me , for i seldom believes in someone`s words and for tha sam reason i do confess that i refrain myself in donations that seems to be somewhat deceiving.

lastly, when my lifestyle is compared in psychological terms the views are obvious , i rather every son/daughter lives in a much more stressed milieu and pressurized environment, the reason being competition and of course our ambitions rather these stresses are incresed exponentially with the every generation.

To conclude , me as well as my parents have thrived in the environment and society which suited well to both of us. my lifestyle will be idiosyncratic in my parents era and so does the inverse law also hold good. It cant be judged which one is "better", coz the they lived well with the people of their time and so do I. if their ways can be termed as "obsolete" by us..my ways can be called "ridiculous" by them. I wont adopt their ways and they wont relinquish theirs.

**rocky80** · 10-09-2006, 07:59 AM

@epony thnx for thy considerate reply and scrutiny. i will take thy advice more sincerely....i need to focus on my grammer...u r right ..i tend to overeact...but i may loose intead of gaining something... thnx again...