I hope it's not that bad

[ishtar84]

Some people spend their entire lives in one place. Others move a number

of times throughout their lives, looking for a better job, house, community,

or even climate. Which do you prefer: staying in one place or moving in

search of another place? Use reasons and specific examples to support

your opinion.

 

 

 

 

Recently I found myself thinking about the kind of life my granparents lived: I felt really bad for them as I realised that they almost never moved from their hometown, which is actually a small village on mountains in Central Italy. They never had the opportunity to get to know other people, apart from the population of their village and a handfull of other small villages in the sorroundings. They don’t speak any other language than their dialect... in brief they probably ended up believing that this is the only possible world.

On the other hand, somebody could reply, perhaps this simple way of life allows you to stay in contact with nature and help to preserve yourself from the anxiety of modern world

Indeed, nowadays it is almost impossible to have a completely stable and fix way of life. Mobility and flexibility are becoming more and more necesary to adapt to the continually changing social and economic environment of our western society. For that reason, even those who prefer staying in one place, can never do so, in reality: in fact they have to deal at least with virtual mobility, when the surf the internet, for instance.

If I had to choose between living my entire life in one place or moving from one place to another, I’ll definitely choose this second option. Actually, I’ve already made this choice once, as I decided to participate in the Erasmus programme, which gave me the opportunity to study for a certain period in England. When I came back home I felt a strong need to leave again, to travel, to search new opportunities in a different place. Consequently I made up my mind and decided to go back again to the UK and continue my studies there.

I know that adapting to a new culture is not always easy, but i’d like to take this risk: shouldn’t I succeed, still there would be a place I can call home.

[awhig]

Score : 3.0

Comments:

1. You are not direct in your first para.Stress on main point and then give example of your grandparents.

2. No word called "continually".

3. your sentences are vague.Example: Fix way of life.. Define it else reader will loose context.I know what you intend to say but still it looks uncomfortable.

4. Format your work.

5. try to write different points in different paragraphs.

[ishtar84]

thanks! it wasn't bad in the end, considering that it was my first TOEFL essay ever! i'll work on it... :)

 

and, by the way, I did format my work on the text editor on my pc, but I haven't been able to do it when posting the essay...

[Tino]

I disagree with the score. This essay is almost perfect! I would say 5.5-6 out of 6. Anyway, some suggestions:

1) Don't use colons (the ":")

2) This sentence is a little wrong "If I had to choose between living my entire life in one place or moving from one place to another, I’ll definitely choose this second option." Change "I'll" to "I would" or "I'd".

This is called 2nd conditional. "If I past tense, I would". It is used for untrue, but possible events:

If it rained, I would stay inside (It is not raining now. But, if rain comes, I will be inside)

 

Tino

 

 

Tino

[ishtar84]

Thanks Tino,

I'll treasure your advice!

Sara

[zymeth02]

Hi, I think you have excellent writing style that's why Tino said you would get a 5.5-6. However, i think a big problem is that you focused too much on introduction. In fact, you only stated your stand near the end. You also failed to provide strong reasons paired with examples.

 

"Actually, I’ve already made this choice once, as I decided to participate in the Erasmus programme," is not a reason but just a reference to how you decided in the past.

 

I think you can get a 6.0 if you organize your essay the TOEFL way. State your position in your introduction and providng three important reasons with examples in the three following paragraphs, and finally a good conclusion.

 

I hope I can also write as good as you in the exam :D Good luck.

[awhig]

I agree to zymetn02's comments. I cut marks mainly because :

 

1. No formatting. ( In this case ,I accept that it may be some posting error)

2. You could have brought different points in different paragraphs.

See TOEFL not only tests your writing skills but also stresses on presentation.

An examiner has to check many essays during a day and so if your presentation is good, it will give a glance to what you want to say.

 

4. My aim was not to discourage you but to warn you of such failures.

5. Variety is what should be stressed on.An examiner also wants to test your thinking ability and how can you connect things.

6. When you format and dedicate single para to a different point, it brings professionalism else it looks cliche.

7. TOEFL also tests your command over language use.i.e punctuation marks, proper use of words and correct adjectives. Had this been a GRE essay, these points would have been overlooked.

8. When i looked at your essay, I thought you wrote less.