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Thread: Can anyone rate my essay ? (high school may be built in your community)

  1. #1
    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    Can anyone rate my essay ? (high school may be built in your community)

    Sponsored Ad:
    It has recently been announced that a new high school may be built in your community. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details in your answer.


    The issue of the building of a new high school in my community may be considered in different ways. It is often believed that this kind of facilities goes hand in hand with noise and crime problems. However it is also true that this new infrastructure will widden the acces to higher education in our region. Taking all aspects into account, I strongly feel that the building of a new high school would be a good point for my community.

    First, I am firmly conviced that the building of this high school will improve the current standard of education in my region. I am living in a poor neighborhood, and very few teenagers have good marks . A young person's chance of going to university is still largely determined by whether or not he or she lives in a good neighborhood. For instance, teenagers from well-off backgrounds are six times more likely to go to university than those from deprived areas. This fact is a pity for our nation. I hop that this new high school will help reducing such inequalities.

    Second, as far as I am concerned, it is obvious that this new high school will trigger new opportunities for all of us. The school will hire people and increase the attractivity of the region. Thus the economic situation will be improved. As a result, unemployment will be reduced. That is why I think that this new infrastructure brings lot of prospects for people of my community.

    In the end, even if building a new high school may bring noise and confusion in my community, the benefits that it will give the people, especially the young, outweigh all disadvantages. In short, my stance on this subject is that it is worth building a new high school in my community.

    --> 309 words , 30 min

  2. #2
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    Hi, thanks for commenting on my essay. Here is my comment on yours. I am not good at judging essays either so I can just correct some of the grammatical errors.

    [] - means omit

    The issue of the building [of] a new high school in my community may be considered in different ways. It is often believed that this kind of facility goes hand in hand with noise and crime problems. However it is also true that this new infrastructure will widden the access to higher education in our region. Taking all aspects into account, I strongly feel that [the] building [of] a new high school would be a good point for my community.

    First, I am firmly conviced that [the] building [of] this high school will improve the current standard of education in my region. I am living in a poor neighborhood, and very few teenagers have good marks (what's marks? grade?) . A young person's chance of going to university is still largely determined by whether or not he or she lives in a good neighborhood. For instance, teenagers from well-off backgrounds are six times more likely to go to university than those from deprived areas. This fact is a pity for our nation. I believe that this new high school will help reduce such inequalities. (I think this paragraph lacks convincing power)

    Second, as far as I am concerned, it is obvious that this new high school will trigger new opportunities for all of us. The school will hire people and increase the attractivity of the region. Thus the economic situation will be improved. As a result, unemployment will be reduced. That is why I think that this new infrastructure brings lot of prospects for people [in] my community.

    In the end, even if building a new high school may bring noise and [confusion](sounds too extreme) in my community, the benefits that it will give the people, especially the young, outweigh most disadvantages. In short, my stance on this subject is that it is worth building a new high school in my community.

  3. #3
    shuriyoken awhig's Avatar
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    Agree with zymetn02.Good checking.There is no word called attractivity (3rd para second line first word). Use attraction as adjective.

    As correctly pointed by zymeth02, your first point could have been better had you not related introduction of school with good marks.Stress on the fact that school would raise the level of awareness and denizens would be prompted to go. This would develop interest in education and hence uplift-ment.
    Houdiyoken

  4. #4
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    Thank you very much to both of you.

    What grade I would have get to your mind ? I am trying to have an idea of my current level..

  5. #5
    shuriyoken awhig's Avatar
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    I would give you 4.0 . This is because of grammatical errors and not on ideas.
    Houdiyoken

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