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Thread: #156: You have the opportunity to visit a foreign country fo

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    Topic 156
    You have the opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks. Which country would you like to visit? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.


    An opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks is a big gift. If I have such a chance, I will not hesitate to choose Japan as my destination. How wonderful it would be to visit this beautiful, wealthy and traditional “land of the rising sun”.

    Although I have never been to Japan, I have read so many things about the country’s beauty. If it is my choice, I will choose to visit Japan in the spring when the appealing cherry trees blossom. The country people often celebrate this signal of the arriving of spring with picnics under the trees. The imagination of sharing this event with them makes me feel excited. I would also love to spend sometime at Fuji mountain, a remarkably symmetrical volcanic cone. The mountain often appears in art and as a symbol of the country. I can also visit many shrines and temples located on its slopes.

    Japan is a major economic power, and average income levels and standards of living are among the highest in the world. The experience of the country to be wealthy is a good one to my own country. Japan has had to build its enormous industrial output and high standard of living on a comparatively small domestic resource base. But the Japanese work hard and live economical. That is the main reason for the country’s development. Having the opportunity to see all these things will teach me about my generation’s responsibility to develop our country’s economic.

    Besides the beauty and wealth, Japan is famous for its tradition. A bow is the traditional greeting between Japanese, personal space is important and visits are usually arranged in advance. There are many other customary holidays like the Obon, sports such as sumo, or cloths like the kimono.

    A visit to Japan will not only be interesting but also broaden my mind. I am looking forward to coming there.


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    Please comment on my version .
    Meenu Yadav
    Getting an opportunity to visit a foreign country is a great gift. If I ever get such an opportunity then I would definitely visit India. It would be wonderful to visit this vast country.

    I have read a lot about the vast and rich cultural heritage of India. People in India are from various casts, creeds, backgrounds, and religions. But still you can find unity in diversity in India. If I happen to visit India then I would have chance to meet all sort of people and I can learn from them a lot.

    There are lots of historical places in India that I can visit. I would definitely like to visit places in Delhi, Jaipur and Agra specially. Delhi, which is capital of India, has lots of historical monuments. I can visit Red Fort, Qutub Minar, Jama Masjid, Lotus temple and museums. I would definitely go to chandani chawk, which is the downtown of Delhi.

    In Agra I can visit “Taj Mahal “ which is one of the wonders of the world.It is built in pure white marble by Emperor Shah Jahan in the memory of his beloved wife Mumtaj Mahal.

    Apart from being a country having vast cultural heritage India is also a major economic power in South Asia. It is one of the fastest growing economies. India is also famous in world for its Family tradition. In India there is this great concept of joint family. It teaches us a lot about cooperation and tolerance.

    So I think that by visiting India I would definitely learn a lot and I would have fun too.



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    TOEFL Essay Guru Vaya's Avatar
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    Dear Cinderellahn

    Really nice essay, there is almost nothing to add.

    Japan is a major economic power, and average income levels and standards of living are among the highest in the world. The experience of the country to be wealthy is a good one to my own country. Japan has had to build its enormous industrial output and high standard of living on a comparatively small domestic resource base. But the Japanese work hard and live economical. That is the main reason for the country’s development. Having the opportunity to see all these things will teach me about my generation’s responsibility to develop our country’s economic.
    When I read this para, I thought this is an extract from geography book. Of course the last sentence showed your own opinion and corrected some things, but I stil don't like it. For me it isn't natural. You mentioned such a great many cultural things (in 2nd and 4th paras) and know you want to study Japan economy. If you really want to do this, then it's OK, but if you don't ... then don't write about it.

    A visit to Japan will not only be interesting but also broaden my mind. I am looking forward to coming there.
    First of all a mistake: looking forward to go.

    Hm... Topic says: 'if you have the opportunity...'. And you sound like: 'I'm going to Japan next mounth and I'm looking forward to go there'. It would be better: 'I'm looking forward to get the opportunity to visit Japan.'

    That's all. I hope you got me. I hope I was right. I hope I helped you.



    Edited by - Vaya on 2002 Aug 02 08:40:26

    Edited by - Vaya on 2002 Aug 02 08:40:59

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    TOEFL Essay Guru Vaya's Avatar
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    Dear Meenuyadav,

    generally, your essay isn't as good as Cinderellahn's, because it seems like you copied some parts from her essay. Besides your sentences are short. You try to describe the beauty of Indian in short, simple sentences. This is mission impossible. Of course, only native speakers and writers can lively desribe beauty of the country.

    Also you mentioned a lot of historical places, but you didn't describe them. Why you want to go? What is there? Why it is so special? And for me your 3rd para in essay looks like a list: go there, there, there and there. Of course it's very good that you know so many places, but please disribe them, I don't know these places. The para about Taj Mahal is too short.

    Apart from being a country having vast cultural heritage India is also a major economic power in South Asia. It is one of the fastest growing economies. India is also famous in world for its Family tradition. In India there is this great concept of joint family. It teaches us a lot about cooperation and tolerance.
    Like I said to Cinderallahn, I feel that this para isn't natural. But yours is better, because it's short. But you say nothing what you will gain from India's economy. You write that India has great economy, so what? This topic requires not to write facts about country, but to write what you feel about it, describe why you like it.

    I hope I helped you.

    Edited by - Vaya on 2002 Aug 02 09:19:47

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    An opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks is a big gift. If I have such a chance, I will not hesitate to choose Japan as my destination. How wonderful it would be to visit this beautiful, wealthy and traditional “land of the rising sun”.
    Good intro, but you make one of the most common (and perhaps difficult to correct) mistakes. If we have to write an essay about a hypothetical situation, we must use the conditional and subjunctive throughout the essay.

    For example:

    If I had the chance, I would choose to visit Japan.

    but NOT

    If I have the chance, I will choose to visit Japan.
    Although I have never been to Japan, I have read so many things about the country’s beauty. If it is my choice, I will choose to visit Japan in the spring when the appealing cherry trees blossom. The country people often celebrate this signal of the arriving of spring with picnics under the trees. The imagination of sharing this event with them makes me feel excited. I would also love to spend sometime at Fuji mountain, a remarkably symmetrical volcanic cone. The mountain often appears in art and as a symbol of the country. I can also visit many shrines and temples located on its slopes.

    Japan is a major economic power, and average income levels and standards of living are among the highest in the world. The experience of the country to be wealthy is a good one to my own country. Japan has had to build its enormous industrial output and high standard of living on a comparatively small domestic resource base. But the Japanese work hard and live economical. That is the main reason for the country’s development. Having the opportunity to see all these things will teach me about my generation’s responsibility to develop our country’s economic.
    Very nice points!
    Besides the beauty and wealth, Japan is famous for its tradition. A bow is the traditional greeting between Japanese, personal space is important and visits are usually arranged in advance. There are many other customary holidays like the Obon, sports such as sumo, or cloths like the kimono.

    A visit to Japan will not only be interesting but also broaden my mind. I am looking forward to coming there.
    Conclusion is a bit too short.

    Very nice essay! You write very well, and have a wealth of ideas! Great.

    TOEFL would probably give you a 5.5 for this essay. Nice work!

    Erin

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    Vaya, thanks for helping our friends. You are on your way to becoming a Magician!

    Erin

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    Getting an opportunity to visit a foreign country is a great gift. If I ever get such an opportunity then I would definitely visit India. It would be wonderful to visit this vast country.

    I have read a lot about the vast and rich cultural heritage of India. People in India are from various casts, creeds, backgrounds, and religions. But still you can find unity in diversity in India. If I happen to visit India then I would have chance to meet all sort of people and I can learn from them a lot.

    There are lots of historical places in India that I can visit. I would definitely like to visit places in Delhi, Jaipur and Agra specially. Delhi, which is capital of India, has lots of historical monuments. I can visit Red Fort, Qutub Minar, Jama Masjid, Lotus temple and museums. I would definitely go to chandani chawk, which is the downtown of Delhi.

    In Agra I can visit “Taj Mahal “ which is one of the wonders of the world.It is built in pure white marble by Emperor Shah Jahan in the memory of his beloved wife Mumtaj Mahal.

    Apart from being a country having vast cultural heritage India is also a major economic power in South Asia. It is one of the fastest growing economies. India is also famous in world for its Family tradition. In India there is this great concept of joint family. It teaches us a lot about cooperation and tolerance.

    So I think that by visiting India I would definitely learn a lot and I would have fun too.
    Hi! Vaya has made some very important points, and I'd like to point out another very important one.

    Your essay sounds like you are an Indian pretending not to be Indian so that you can write about your own country. What makes me think this? Well, you display a lot of knowledge about the country, more than would be expected for somebody who's only heard about India. If indeed you do know so much about India, then you'd have to explain why it is that you happen to know so much about India. It could be the case, for example, that you have always had a fascination with India, and like to read as much as you can about it, but you've never visited India. If this is the case, you should say so in your essay.

    Because of what I've said, your essay sounds more like "what are the great things about your country" than "what country would you like to visit."

    Your organization is very good, but you have some grammar mistakes.

    All in all, I think TOEFL would give you a 3.5 or a 4.0 for this essay.

    Hope that helps!!

    Erin

    ☼ Waiting for Godot

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    Hi Vaya,
    Thanks for your suggestions and pointing out my mistakes.
    Meenu


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    [/blue]
    Thank you for pointing out my mistakes. It is so helpful, I will try to correct it in other essays.

    Conclusion is a bit too short.
    I find out that I conclude my essays very badly. But I don't know how I can improve this skill. What is your advice? For example, with this essay, how can I conclude it effectively?[/blue]


    _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
    Kindness in words creates confidence.
    Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.
    Kindness in giving creates love.
    _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

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    TOEFL Essay Guru Vaya's Avatar
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    I find out that I conclude my essays very badly. But I don't know how I can improve this skill. What is your advice? For example, with this essay, how can I conclude it effectively
    Hey! Not all endings are bad. Look at your essay about most important animal. I like that ending so much!
    In this case just write another sentence. I would recommend to go bact to topic and say something about two weeks. Ex: There are so many interesting places to see in Japan that I doubt if two weeks would be enough to see them all.

    The post above contains only my own opinion which has nothing to do with official TOEFL

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