Topic: Independence for young adults? Comments needed

[Sakti Phoenix]

Sorry, but the topic is different from what I wrote first.

 

Here´s my essay, I would be really happy if anyone of you could read it:

 

 

Topic 99:

You have been told that dormitory rooms at your university must be shared by two students. Would you rather have the university assign a student to share a room with you, or would you rather choose your own roommate? Use specific reasons and details to explain your answer.

 

Knowing the kind of person that I am, I would definitely choose my university roommate. I know that from time to time it is good to meet new people and to have new friends, but my shy and serious attitudes make this task a lot more difficult than it would be for a more garrulous person. Besides, I am a devoted student who always seeks for the peace that only silence can offer.

 

Shyness is one of my qualities as a person. It is quite hard for me to get in touch with new people, and because of that, I have always tried to keep just one or two good friends. My friends, however, have introduced me to different persons, and little by little, I have increased my academic socialization. Still, I need more time to face interactions with other students.

 

Also, other of my personal characteristics is seriousness. Above all, I have always tried to be a serious person, both as a student and as a friend. I like equanimity, and as such, not many people are prepared to face the maturity by which I take decisions. If something is wrong, I try to correct it as soon as possible. In that way, when my friends are in trouble, they shall get my sometimes hard points of view and advices.

 

But the most important reason to choose my own roommate are, in fact, my studying habits. I am a person who studies and reads a lot. Silence is my top priority when doing these activities because it helps me concentrate. Without silence I can´t pay attention to what I´m doing, and because of that, I can fail in some of my short term goals, like getting a good score in an exam. As I don´t know other people´s habits, I really need a person that, like me, enjoys studying in silence.

 

Although it would be a good experience to meet more people at the university, I would rather keep my space and look for old friend´s company. I know I´m closing my doors to new friends that would help me improve my socialization level, but I prefer to stay secure with a friend who shall provide me seriousness, silence, and above all, the patience to talk with a shy person like me.

[batdoi]

Hi Sakti Phoenix,

 

First, do not use word abbreviations (or condensation, I'm not sure) in academic writing. Therefore, use "do not" instead of "don't", and replace "I'm" by "I am".

 

Sorry mate but you are off-topic from the beginning. The topic is "Would you let the school choose your roommate, or would you rather choose yourself". You should have focused on providing reasons and details to support your standpoint (choosing roommate yourself), not on writing about your personalities. The topic sentences of the first 2 body paragraphs give the immediate impression and indication that you are off-topic. Remember, a topic sentence is where you put your major idea which you're going to give details to support later in the paragraph. Only your third body paragraph fulfils this function.

 

Apart from that, you have a very wide range of vocabulary, which is great. Just an advice: don't throw into the essay too many big words, and use them wisely (and, maybe in a TOEFL essay, sparingly). And it's good to see you know a lot of diverse sentence structures, but don't use complex structures too much, otherwise the readers may think that you're trying too hard to impress.

 

Generally I think you are certainly capable, you already have a good platform, and with more practice you will definitely improve your writing.

 

My opinion.

 

Truong

[love29]

to Sakti Phoenix, batdoi is right dont abbreviate the words in writing an essay.I am attending essay writing right now my professor told us never,never abbreviate words in writing an essay.

[Sakti Phoenix]

Oh! Thanks a lot Batdoi and love29. As for the abbreviations, I will never use them again while writing for the TOEFL or GRE :whistle:

 

About the off-topic issue, well, I tried to answer it as hard as I could. I think that in the initial paragraph I should have included much more background about the topic, and I´ll try to correct that as soon as possible with my next essays.

 

Thanks a lot for your support and hope to see you around. Thanks! :grad: