Can someone evaluate my essay?

[Yoshitaka72]

Hi. I am taking TOEFL exam this weekend. I still need to improve my essay score. I read several sources to brush up my essay but im a bit confused b/c every sources says different things somehow. The conclusion for organizing for my essay is

Introduction
Write the background of the question and answer the question while I write thesis statement.
Body1
Main idea should support the thesis. Write an example to support the main idea. Write an broad idea first and details to support it.
Body2
Same as above
Conclusion
Summerize thesis and 2 main ideas.

Here is one essay I wrote following this idea. Can you read and evaluate my essay? The question is "Some people like to travel with a companion. Other
people prefer to travel alone. Which do you prefer? "


Traveling has been closer to everyone as years passed by. Nowadays, many people from young people to old ones use their vacations to travel somewhere. While some people may prefer to travel with their companies, some others may not. I think one of my purposes to travel is to get impressed and it is always nice to share the impression with my friends. Thus, I personally prefer to travel with my companies.

First, one of the things I enjoy while I travel is eating. Breakfast, lunch, snacks, light meal and formal dinner, there are many chances to enjoy "eating" when I travel, and I like to share the moment when I meet good food with my friends. For example, when I travel around west Europe with my friend, Kazuki, we met the great restaurant named Olive Garden in Italy. I had normal a pasta such as tomato and boroneze but the taste was something I never had. I was about to shout when I tasted it first, but instead, I let Kazuki try it. He seemed impressed too. I was really glad that I had a friend whom I can share with the moment.

Second, scenary is another thing I enjoy during my trip. During my Europe trip with Kazuki, we went to many beautiful places such as Venize river, Alps mountains and Donau river. All of them were astonishing and made a big impression to me. After I came back to my country, I painted some pictures
based on the inspiration that I got from those. Again, I was really grateful that Kazuki was with me at that moment. The impression became much bigger and sharper by sharing that moment with him.

In conclusion, traveling with my companies allows me to share impression at many occasions. Thus, I prefer traveling with my companies to traveling alone.


Thanks!!

[manuela.melo]

It's almost perfect. I loved it. Of course the fact I'm not a native speaker (I'm actually studying for the TOEFL too) may have made me pass through some mistakes without noticing them, but I hope I can help.

The only mistake I've seen (and I'm sure it was only a little lack of attention) was when you said "For example, when I traveled"

ok? good luck!

[T-TOTO08]

Originally Posted by Yoshitaka72

Hi. I am taking TOEFL exam this weekend. I still need to improve my essay score. I read several sources to brush up my essay but im a bit confused b/c every sources says different things somehow. The conclusion for organizing for my essay is

Introduction
Write the background of the question and answer the question while I write thesis statement.
Body1
Main idea should support the thesis. Write an example to support the main idea. Write an broad idea first and details to support it.
Body2
Same as above
Conclusion
Summerize thesis and 2 main ideas.

Here is one essay I wrote following this idea. Can you read and evaluate my essay? The question is "Some people like to travel with a companion. Other
people prefer to travel alone. Which do you prefer? "


Traveling has been closer to everyone as years passed by. Nowadays, many people from young (people)generation to old ones use their vacations to travel somewhere. While some people may prefer to travel with (their companies)company, some others may not. I think one of my purpose(s) to travel is to get impressed and it is always nice to share the impression with my friends. Thus, I personally prefer to travel with my (companies.)friend.

First, one of the things I enjoy while I travel is eating.( Breakfast, lunch, snacks, light meal and formal dinner,/fragment sentence..) T(t)here are many chances to enjoy "eating" when I travel, and I like to share( the)this moment when I (meet)encounter good food with my friends. For example, when I travel around west Europe with my friend, Kazuki, we (met) discovered (the great/ mostly apply to a person.. like Alexander the great)a nice restaurant named Olive Garden in Italy. I had (normal a) pasta such as tomato and boroneze but the taste was something I never had tasted before. (I was about to shout when I tasted it first, but instead, I let Kazuki try it./ try to re-state this sentence... wrong syntax.. and vague) He (seemed )was impressed too. I was really glad that I had a friend whom I can share with this kind of (the )moment while I am travelling.

Second, scenary/scenery is another thing I enjoy during my trip. During my Europe trip with Kazuki, we went to many beautiful places such as Venize river, Alps mountains and Donau river. All of (them/ pronoun them refers to a person.. not to a scenery)these beautiful view were astonishing and had made a big impression to me. After I had came back to my country, I painted some pictures such as the scenery I saw in Italy.
(based on the inspiration that I got from those./ vague) Again, I was really grateful that Kazuki was with me at that moment. The impression became( much) (bigger and sharper/ not a good adjective for this sentence..try..memorable or dramatic by sharing that moment with him.

In conclusion, traveling with my( companies)friend allows me to share impression at many occasions. Thus, I prefer traveling with my (companies) friend than traveling alone.( to traveling alone.)


Thanks!!

Good idea but need to minimize error in grammar...fragment sentence, dangling modifier, diction, pronoun error..if you pay attention to these, I think you will make a nice effective essay....note: you mention that you like to travel with friends( although you mention companies) However you mention only one friend (Kazuki) So, it would be better if you mention that you like to travel with friend or company... the point is consistency... hope it helps