chaiyachoti Posted August 20, 2002 Share Posted August 20, 2002 Hello All, Please comment my essay. Any comment is welcome. Thank you in advance for your comment. Topic 21: In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay. Essay: At the moment, we can notice that people are living longer than before due to several causes. In my opinion, I strongly believe that those outstanding causes are the advancement of medical therapy and technology and the human knowledge of health care. The advancement of medical therapy and technology nowadays is an important cause for people to live longer. In the past, medical therapy and technology did not be developed as well as that of today. We could discover that in the past, some diseases such as smallpox or malaria were deadly to people and could make them dead, but these diseases can be easily treated now owing to the advancement of medical treatment. Moreover, some sophisticated technology is invented for medical treatment. For example, laser technology is widely used for surgery today. Patients would get extremely benefits from this technology due to its efficiency and precision. In the previous time, if we had to have surgery, we would have been very anxious about it. However, at present we would feel more comfortably because of the new surgical technology. This advancement can save people’s lives a lot. Today, people have more knowledge of health care than before due to their education and some mass media. Some mass media launch a beneficial campaign against drugs and smoking, so most people know about their danger. Moreover people nowadays also know how to select advantageous food for their health. For example, if they have some diseases, they will know which kind of food would be harmful to their health and they should avoid it. At present, most people have their health checked regularly. If physicians find some irregular in their patients, they would be precautious to their patients before that symptom would be more dangerous. In conclusion, for the above significant reasons: the advancement of medical treatment and technology and the human knowledge of health care, I personally believe that not only people are living longer now, but they will also live longer and longer in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vertical_horizon Posted August 21, 2002 Share Posted August 21, 2002 I think your essay is very well-organized. And your ideas are exellent, too. your grammar is also very good. How long did it take you to write this essay, chaiyachoti? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaiyachoti Posted August 22, 2002 Author Share Posted August 22, 2002 Hi vertical_horizon, Thank you very much for your comment. I wrote this essay about 1 hour. I know that we have only 30 mins. However, at the moment, I would like to practice without time limitation. Afterward, I will reduce my time. Hi Erin and Vaya, I also would like to know your comment. If it is possible, please give me a comment. Thank You. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vertical_horizon Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Yeah, I agree with you. I myself also first practiced writing with no time limitation to just get used to the way to find and gather ideas. Then I tried to finish other essays within 30' only, to reduce my pressure steadily. verhor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vaya Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Hi there! When I read your essay I somehow feel that you tried to use sophisticated language to make your essay to sound almost like scientific article. I have to say you didn't succeded. I advice you to use simple words and grammar structures. I have to say that your essay is very good (ecellent organization, ideas and development). The only problem is grammar and vocabulary. Let's have a look at it. You made some funny repetitions (In my opinion, I strongly or malaria were deadly to people and could make them dead). You tell the same thing twice. You also use some words and phrases too often (such as technology or advancemet of...). You should rephrase them. I think I will edit the 2nd para because it is worse than others. The advancement of medical therapy and technology is an important cause for people to live longer nowadays. In the past, medicine wasn't developed as well as today. We discovered that in the past, some diseases such as smallpox or malaria were incurable, but now these diseases can be easily treated owing to the advanced medical treatment. Moreover, some sophisticated technology has been invented for patients' treatment. For example, lasers are widely used for surgery today. Patients get extremely great benefit from them due to their efficiency and precision. In the previous time, if we had to have surgery, we would be very anxious about it. However, at present we would feel more comfortable because of the new surgical technology. This advancement can save many people’s lives. If you have any questions, remarks or doubts let me know them. HTH! Renata *** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaiyachoti Posted August 22, 2002 Author Share Posted August 22, 2002 Hi Renata, Thank you so much for your good comment. I agree with you that my vocab and grammar are still not good enough. I sometimes use repetitive words. I will try my best next time. Thanks again for dedicating your time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maytinlee Posted December 12, 2002 Share Posted December 12, 2002 Topic 21: In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay. Essay: Why are people living longer than ever before? There are many answers. There are many answers. Of all the answers, what is on the top list would be the development of the medical research, governments' accepting more responsibility for public health and improving people's living conditions. The significant development of the medical research is the key reason of people's long lifes. Many diseases, once common, have been all but eradicated through a far better understanding of what causes disease. Before vaccines and penicillin, there was no effective way of dealing with epidemics, apart from isolating the sick. Even diseases like influenza could kill millions in one outbreak. Another reason is that governments have accepted more responsibility for public health. At the beginning of this century, some governments introduced important reforms: free school meals and medical inspections, old age pensions, labour exchanges to help people find work, and National Insurance which provided unemployment, sick pay, and pensions. What is also worth noticing is that people have dramatically improve their living conditions. In modern society, there are a lot of electrical applicances that make our life so easy, such as refrigerator in the kitch, hot water for shower, air conditioner in the home or in the car, heater in winter and so forth. All these applicances have improved our life standard. From the evidence above, I can safely conclude that the main reasons of people's long lifes are the research on medical care, the goverment's high responsibility and better living conditions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nu_nam2001 Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 Hi all; Actually, I confront with the real problem. I have to get my score in essay writing part at least 5.00 in order to meet the requirement of the university I want to apply for. Therefore, everyone pls..Your advice is very valuable for me to improve my writting skill..@^_^@ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, people, nowadays, are living longer than our ancestors. In my opinion, we tend to have longer longevity owing to medical advance, the increasing of the interest in our own health and also some supports from government. First, one of the most important reasons of having longer lives is the medical advances. With the consistent medical improvement, many lethal diseases in the ancient time became curable. For example, in last decade, a large number of our antecedents who suffered from yellow fever surely died in only a short period. However, after vaccine was developed, the number of people who are afflicted with yellow fever was dramatically dropped. At present, this deadly disease no longer found. Moreover, even through some incurable diseases such as AIDS and cancer have still remained in the society, doctors can find the way to relieve their symptoms and thus extending patient’s lives. Thanks to medical improvement, current humans have much longer lives than our predecessors. Moreover, people themselves take care of their health more than those in the past. This claim could be deduced from the thriving of supplement food market. Moreover, businesses concerned with fitness as well as other health care service tend to increase more and more. This evidence implies that people nowadays take much care on their health in order to have longer lives. Finally, in my country, government allots some money to medical care. Needy people can see doctors when they have health problems with only a little charge. Moreover, government also cares about phychical’s problem. People who suffer from stress or any mental problems can call at same particular number and, there, they will get a good advice which can assuage their problems. Therefore, the rate of people who commit to suiciding was considerably decreased after this service was initiated. In short, the main reasons why people are live longer may be the medical development. Moreover, people also take much care of their health and government health support is also a reason of being longer lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miwa Posted March 1, 2003 Share Posted March 1, 2003 Please remark my essay. This is my early one. Definitely, people has been able to enjoy longer life, particulary in advanced countries, which are, I believe, achieved by the effort of humans. I will relate some causes for the present longevity in turn. First of all, the development of medical science and engineering. People have been able to recieve more advanced medical treatments and to take advantage of more effective medicines, owing to which such diseases as lung cancer, leukemia, pulmonary tuberculosis which were thought to be invariably fatal in the past, are now curable. Second, because an area of medical science, dietetics has developed and drawn much attention, people have suffered less from life-related diseases like obesity. People now can more correct information on nutrition, fully realizing what effect the foods they take in has on the health. Third, people have been practicing more that is beneficial to the health with these knowledge above mentioned. Fewer people, since it has been proved to threaten to lead to lung cancer, still have the habit of smoking, and more people are making it a rule to have nutritious food and even vitamin pills to keep healthy. All these taken together, I can conclude that the longevity now has been accomplished by humans developing medical science and engineering, and applying its achievements to everyday life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boogieman Posted March 17, 2003 Share Posted March 17, 2003 Hi all, This is the first time i am writing a practise essay for TOEFL:).All comments are highly appreciated:cool:.Whats lacking in the essay?? In which part of the essay is there a scope for improvement?Is the essay too long?:D ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is a widely known fact that people are living longer now than their previous generations.Only a century ago the life expectancy of a healthy man used to be 40 -45 and that of a woman even lower. Some of the major reasons for a lower life expectancy were,epidemics,endemics,incurable diseases,poor nutrition,unhygienic living conditions,droughts and natural calamities. The development of scientific temperament can be sighted as the most important reason for the development of human society.This led to the study of human anatomy and consequently the development of drugs to treat not only life minor illnesses but also life threatening diseases. A major triumph of humanity in the field of medicine can be seen as the conquest of small-pox. Even in the 1970s small-pox was a life threatening disease and it meant a sure death to the person contracting it but it has been eradicated from the face of earth just a few years ago. It was natural that when man started curing or preventing these diseases his life expectancy increased. With advent of industrial revolution it became possible for the first time in the history of mankind to produce and store goods on a massive scale.And production and storage of food items were no exception.The scientific study of nutrition coupled with the ability to refrigrate food items and make them available year round made it possible to improve the nutritional requirements of people. For example it was not until the invention of refrigeration that Americans started consuming fresh meat ,which is a major source of protein and the discovery of “pasteurization” of milk meant that it could be stored and made available for longer periods of time. Also a general improvement in the living conditions of people with improved sanitation,better access to medicines,health facilites has led to an improvement in the life expectancy of people. It has also been noticed that with improvement in the economic conditions, life expectancy also improves.For example ,all across the USA,Europe,Japan and other developed countries, the life expectancy of population is higher than in developing countries such as India,Brazil and many African countries.This is mainly due to the fact that as the per capita income of a country rises, more and more people will have higher disposable income available to be used for good health facilities , better nutrition, improved sanitation and improvement general standard of living. In conclusion it can be inferred that science,medicine along with economic developments have played an important role in improving life expectancy of people and I have no doubt in my mind that it will significantly improve in the future too. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nu_nam2001 Posted March 18, 2003 Share Posted March 18, 2003 boogieman;:) Your essay is great particularly for a person who has just practiced to write this kind of essay. However, I have some suggestion on your essay. In your introduction part, you should write something that you will explain futher in your body. Therefore, in the sentence below, you do not need to write all reasons you came up with. Some of the major reasons for a lower life expectancy were,epidemics,endemics,incurable diseases,poor nutrition,unhygienic living conditions,droughts and natural calamities. Instead, you should write that medical development, industrial revolution and economic improvement (all topics that you explained in your body) are the main reasons of having longer life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boogieman Posted March 18, 2003 Share Posted March 18, 2003 Hi nu_naam Thanks for your prompt reply.Great suggestion about the introduction. Also it would be great if you could /or anyone reading my post, could know about the following 1.Are my examples good enough? 2.Do i need to give more examples 3.Is the transition of the essay good?,Does it look abrupt? 4.Would I score as many points even if the essays are shorter? 5.How would you/anyone reading the essay rate it? (on a points scale? Cheers! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iuli Posted July 1, 2003 Share Posted July 1, 2003 In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay. how am I doing? It is true people now live longer, and I think that this is due to several scientific or medical discoveries in the first place, and secondly because nowadays people are educated properly in order to better prevent then to treat several diseases. Firstly, people live longer because their life style has changed due to many scientific discoveries. For example, peasants in early days had to strive too much to make the land give its fruits. Nowadays we have machines that make a peasant's labor easier to endure. For a peasant the life expectation was not so great, actually, it was proved that many peasants died at an age between 45 and 50. Now statistics show that, because their life has become easier in terms of hard labor, their life expectation has increased by 10 percent. Medical discoveries are a very important factor in achieving longevity. Many diseases that had devastating effects on people's health in early days have been eradicated due to several medical discoveries like vaccines. In addition, people now learn that it is much better to prevent than to cure a disease. Therefore, they study from childhood, what to do in order not to catch a cold for example, what to avoid eating, or the fact that they have to exercise their body, to remain healthy and enjoy a happy and longer life. To sum up, medical discoveries helped us know what should we do to preserve our bodies in a healthier state, and scientific discoveries helped us improve our life style. Overall, now we know more about the factors that can change our life and helps us achieve longevity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physicaltherapy Posted August 20, 2003 Share Posted August 20, 2003 pls comment on my essay. thanks i would like to improve my writting skillsIn general people are living longer now, Discuss the cause of the phenomenon, Use specific reasons and details to support your answer The latest statistics shows that the life expectancy of people continues to rise, thus, making us live longer. I believe that advancement in medicine, advancement in medical technology and increasing awareness of healthy living are the main reasons why people live longer now. Advancement in medicine continues to improve patients lives, thus making them live longer. With the discovery of vaccines some of the fatal diseases have been eradicated like polio, leprosy, malaria and tuberculosis. With the discovery of life saving medicines like antibiotics people can now take drugs and be cured without having an operation like patients with heart diseases. With the continuing research in medicine, I believe that even fatal diseases that claim many lives like AIDS and cancer can have a cure soon. Advancement in medical technology help doctors to diagnose fatal diseases early like the electrocardiogram, laser, x-rays and ultrasound. These are some of the modern equipments now use by doctors to detect diseases. Thus, preventing it and making us live longer. Today, People are becoming more aware in the importance of healthy living. Now, they choose the food that they eat. Like in my personal experience I now prefer to eat vegetables and fruits and avoid foods with high cholesterol content like meat. I try to avoid eating in a fast food restaurant because most of their foods are high in fats. . I also go to the nearby gym to workout regularly because now I know the benefits of exercise. It decreases stress and makes our body function efficiently thus making us live longer. In conclusion, advancement in medicine, advancement in technology and increasing awareness in healthy living is the key to have a longer life. No doubt, life expectancy will continue to rise on the coming years Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sininho Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 Hi, I just found out about this forum. I'll take the TOEFL on March/04 and I can say that my weakest point is essays.. It takes me a long time to write because most of the time I cannot decide if a agree or disagree with the statement, for me, always depend on the situation and this make me confused, so please help me to evaluate how is my essay going... thanks The fact that the life expectancy among people has being increased over the years can be justified and explained basically talking about health issues. In this essay, I will mention and describe some of the reasons that I believe that play an important role in this process. Nowadays, we can infer that the health system is in a constant process of improvement, which can directly affect the people's health. I mean by that, that when a person is seeking treatment, he or she will have more chances of being treated correctly and promptly due to a variety of new and more improved tests available today than in the past. We also have to consider that every day new discoveries are made, such as new medicines, new equipments, new vaccines, new methods of prevention, etc. It is also relevant that our health professionals are being able to improve their knowledge in a faster pace than they were in the past. Based on these, if the health system is improved, we can expect that the life expectancy will be increased. However, several factors can interfere positively or negatively with the people's health. The sanitization, in the place that the one's lives, plays an important role in how this person is exposed to environmental treats. The type of diet that one's consume will also reflect in one's health. The social life style is another factor that has a tremendous impact on the one's health. The level of stress that one's is submitted on the every day job environment is another point that affects one's health. It is well known that the industrialization brought most of the improvements mentioned above, as well many issues like pollution, stress, and even some diseases but in the overall, we can say that industrialization is a key factor in increasing the life expectancy. Today due to all the changes that we have lived we achieved a great reduction in the number of deaths among the children and at the same time postponed the death among the elderly by given them a better care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Your problem is a common one (of wondering about the best thing to say), and is usually ameliorated with practice. If I were you, I wouldn't worry so much. I can give you one solid piece of advice, though--it doesn't matter which side you agree with. The TOEFL scorer is looking only at your ability to write; s/he doesn't care about your opinion. If you think it depends on the situation, go ahead and say that, and explain the various situations. That's actually a more advanced approach, and if you do it correctly, you'll be okay. Believe it or not, the TOEFL essay is pretty forgiving. Now, let me take a quick look at your essay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Originally posted by sininho [*]The fact that the life expectancy among people has being increased over the years can be justified and explained basically talking about health issues. In this essay, I will mention and describe some of the reasons that I believe that play an important role in this process. [*] Nowadays, we can infer that the health system is in a constant process of improvement, which can directly affect the people's health. I mean by that, that when a person is seeking treatment, he or she will have more chances of being treated correctly and promptly due to a variety of new and more improved tests available today than in the past. We also have to consider that every day new discoveries are made, such as new medicines, new equipments, new vaccines, new methods of prevention, etc. It is also relevant that our health professionals are being able to improve their knowledge in a faster pace than they were in the past. Based on these, if the health system is improved, we can expect that the life expectancy will be increased. [*] However, several factors can interfere positively or negatively with the people's health. The sanitization, in the place that the one's lives, plays an important role in how this person is exposed to environmental treats. The type of diet that one's consume will also reflect in one's health. The social life style is another factor that has a tremendous impact on the one's health. The level of stress that one's is submitted on the every day job environment is another point that affects one's health. [*] It is well known that the industrialization brought most of the improvements mentioned above, as well many issues like pollution, stress, and even some diseases but in the overall, we can say that industrialization is a key factor in increasing the life expectancy. Today due to all the changes that we have lived we achieved a great reduction in the number of deaths among the children and at the same time postponed the death among the elderly by given them a better care. Estimated TOEFL TWE Score: ~5.0/6.0 This is a nice essay with very good ideas. There are some grammar problem, though, that lower the score (notice several mistakes I've pointed out in red--change one's to one.). Your introduction (paragraph #1) and your first body paragraph (paragraph #2) are good, but paragraph #3 brings in a lot of new ideas that could be easily developed into one or two more paragraphs. For your conclusion, I suggest adding a transition, such as In short, For all the reasons stated above, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sininho Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Hi, Erin! Thanks for your comments and corrections. I got the point and I will try to do better next time. :) I chose to write about this topic because it did not have to agree or disagree with, it was just to give reasons and explanations. Now I will try to deal with them. Once again... Thanks Sininho Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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