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gre1487
03-04-2009, 08:03 AM
This is for the first time i have written an essay and moreover my native language is not english. Yes, i have choosen the same topic which have got discussed earlier. But, believe me I haven't looked at earlier posts, I have only copied the topic.
So please rate my essay out of 6.

“Technology creates more problem than solves”

The development in technology has significantly changed our attitude towards life. Here speaker is trying to emphasize on the destructive side of technology. Personally, I don’t concur completely with speaker’s assertion.

Technology has shown both of its positive and negative view. For instance, consider the situation of war. After the development of gunpowder, war gave impetus to the development of more deadly weapons. The current scenario is such that every nation wants to be recognized as the most influencing nation in every field; because of this nations have been working hard to outwit each other. All nations are equipped with nuclear missiles, deadliest of all weapons, which can cause carnage in a fraction of minute. Similar is the case with space programmes. All of the nations are competing against each other in the race of sending their satellites first, which has led to a cluster of satellites in space. The recent collision of USA and Russian satellite is one such example of contend. One more negative impact of technology which I would like to say is “loneliness”. After the arrival of TV, computers we are not as gregarious as we used to be earlier. Yes, I do agree that these sources of entertainment are necessary but one should not delve himself/herself so deep into these so that, he/she forgets about his/her moral obligations.

But, at the same time technology has made our life easier. We can experience this in our daily life. The advent of new technologies like palmtop, touch screen mobile phones etc. have made our life simpler beyond one’s imagination. Why are we forgetting that the famous “Industrial Revolution” showed the causal side of technology? Let us take one more situation, if some part of world gets hit by natural calamity, the relief items can be easily transported by means of air flights, through ship route etc. On similar grounds, with the development of super fast computers our office works are done with great dispatch.
Also, advancement in technology has led to competition, because of this every company is trying hard to sell their products, and this has become conducive for a common man. Even our media has also been able to expand with the help of technology only. Most of the companies are multinational, and they need good communication to dilate their business. If media had not been there, this would not have been possible.

The revolution in technology is the direct consequence of human brain. The thoughts of brain and the human requirement are the causes behind this cataclysm. So, it is in the hand of human being whether we use technology for amelioration or for destruction.

myshkin
03-10-2009, 05:54 AM
gre1487:
You wrote a good essay overall, perhaps a 4 out of 6 by ETS's standards. Your organization could be improved, e.g. by breaking the essay into the traditional 5-paragraph format (introductory paragraph, 3 body paragraphs, concluding paragraph). Each 'body' paragraph should have a 'topic' sentence and at least two supporting sentences. I've written out some suggestions with respect to grammar and diction:


The development in technology has significantly changed our attitude towards life. Here [the] speaker is trying to emphasize [the] destructive side of technology. Personally, I don’t concur completely with speaker’s assertion.

Technology has shown both of its positive and negative [aspects]. For instance, consider [the role of technology in] war. After the development of gunpowder, war gave impetus to the development of more deadly weapons. The current scenario is such that every nation wants to be recognized as the most [influential] nation in every field; because of this[,] nations have been working hard to outwit each other. All nations are equipped with nuclear missiles, [the] deadliest of all weapons, which can cause carnage in a fraction of minute. Similar [competition exists in] the case [of] space [programs]. All of the nations are competing against each other in the race [to launch] their satellites first, which has led to a cluster of satellites in space. The recent collision of USA and Russian satellite is [a direct result of this]. One more negative impact of technology which [should be mentioned] is “loneliness”. After the arrival of TV [and computers,] we are not as gregarious as [we were in previous eras]. Yes, I do agree that these sources of entertainment are necessary but one should not [immerse] himself/herself so deep into these so that, he/she forgets about his/her moral obligations.

[However, at the same time,] technology has made our life easier. We can experience this in our daily lives. The advent of new technologies like [the] palmtop, touch screen mobile phones etc. have made our life simpler beyond imagination. Why are we forgetting that the famous “Industrial Revolution” showed the [power] of technology [change our lives]? Let us take one more situation, if some part of world gets hit by natural calamity, the relief items can be easily transported by means of air flights, through ship route[s] etc. On similar grounds, with the development of super fast computers[,] our office [work is] done with great [efficiency].
Also, advancement in technology has led to competition, because of this every company is trying hard to sell their products, and this has become conducive for [the] common man. Even our media has been able to [grow only] with the help of technology. Most of the companies are multinational, and they need good communication to [expand] their business. If media had not been there, this would not have been possible.

The revolution in technology is the direct consequence of [the] human brain. The thoughts of [human brains] are the [source of technological development], and whether technology [is used] for amelioration or for destruction is likewise in human hands.

gre1487
03-10-2009, 10:41 AM
Thank you myshkin for your valuable suggetions. Well I have made one more attempt on
"In order to produce successful original work, scholars and scientists must first study the successful work of others to learn what contributions remain to be made."

So, please spare your precious time in evaluating this one out of 6.

In this curious world, to make new developments, one has to subdue all sorts of constraints. Whether, it is pending development or some other new restraint. Here, I accede with the speaker that to produce successful original work, one should advert to the successful work of others.

In order to make a new invention, or development, we require some force which can actuate us. And, this force is “inspiration”. For instance, a researcher can not start doing research, until he/she has come across a problem. Now, he/she is the one who will try to find the solution of this problem. For this, researcher may have to ascribe to earlier work, done on the same problem. Otherwise, it would be like finding the way through a black hole. Thus, he/she can figure out what more contribution he/she has to make to make the world more constructive. However, inspiration also doesn’t come by itself. For this, person should have ardour to achieve the success. Inspiration can only boost his moral.

Also, when we try to make new contributions, at times, we may get stuck with some problem in one or the other way. At this juncture, we need someone or something to help us come out of the situation. Precisely, we need some guidance, and this guidance can only be provided by books, concerned documents, which are considered as ocean of knowledge. Even, great scientists also attribute to the work which was done in previous era. Consider the case of our research papers; on the last page so many references will be present. Why? It is because the scholar is not a genius, like Albert Einstein. The scholar has to get some assistance, if he/she wants to make a new contribution to the existing world.

The idea of innovative thinking comes only to genius people, and we should not expect every person to be ingenious. For example, Apple CEO, Steve Jobs is a genius, but out of millions of population, how many Steve Jobs do we have? How many Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Newton are present in today’s world. We are trying to make new contributions by keeping their ideas in our mind. Not every child is a prodigy. All the works done by these great people are serving as a source of inspiration to us. The criticism here is a constructive criticism. Yes, we do have a bunch of intellects in our society, like Bill Gates, L N Mittal, Warren Buffet, who are founder of one of the most influential industries in their respective field. But, again they are merely a source of inspiration.

Contribution should only be made if we know what we want to contribute, and how is it going to affect the world. And, it definitely requires the study of successful work of others, so that we can construe what more imperative things need to be done so that it should be conducive to present as well as future world.

myshkin
03-11-2009, 06:31 AM
Another solid essay, most likely a 4 out of 6. Some suggestions:
In order to produce successful original work, scholars and scientists must first study the successful work of others to learn what contributions remain to be made.

In this complex world, to make intellectual [scholarly/scientific] progress, one has to consider all sorts of constraints, whether it is pending developments or some other new information. Here, I agree with the speaker that to produce successful original work, one should study the successful work of others.

In order to make a new invention, or development, we require some force which can actuate us. And, this force is “inspiration”. For instance, a researcher cannot start doing research, until he/she has come across a problem. Now, he/she is the one who will try to find the solution of this problem. For this, researcher may have to refer to earlier work, done on the same problem. Otherwise, it would be like finding the way through a black hole. Thus, he/she can figure out what more contribution he/she has to make in order to solve the problem. However, inspiration also doesn’t come by itself. For this, a person should have the ardour to achieve success. Only inspiration can boost his morale.

Also, when we try to make new contributions, at times, we may get stuck with some problem in one way or another. At this juncture, we need someone or something to help us come out of the situation. Specifically, we need some guidance, and this guidance can only be provided by books, relevant documents which are considered oceans of knowledge. Even great scientists draw from to the work which was done in previous eras. Consider the case of our research papers: on the last page so many references will be present. Why? It is because the scholar is not a genius, like Albert Einstein. [At this point, one might note that even the revolutions of Einstein and Newton were built on the work of predecessors. In Newton's words (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Standing_on_the_shoulders_of_giants): "If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants."] The scholar has to get some assistance, if he/she wants to make a new contribution to the existing world.

The idea of innovative thinking comes only to ingenious people, and we should not expect every person to be a genius. For example, Apple CEO, Steve Jobs is a genius, but out of millions of population, how many Steve Jobs do we have? How many Albert Einsteins, Thomas Edisons, or Newtons are present in today’s world? We are trying to make new contributions by keeping their ideas in our mind. Not every child is a prodigy. All the works done by these great people serve as a source of inspiration to us. The criticism here is a constructive criticism. Yes, we do have a bunch of exceedingly great intellects in our society, like Bill Gates, L N Mittal, Warren Buffet, who are the founders of the most influential industries in their respective fields. But, again they are merely a source of inspiration.

Contributions can only be made if we know what needs to be done, and how is it going to affect the world. And, it definitely requires the study of the successful work of others, so that we can understand what is imperative for the improvement of the present as well as future world.

gre1487
03-11-2009, 12:11 PM
Thanks, once again myshkin for pointing out my mistakes. But, in both of the essays, I have not used "the" properly. Infact, I posted a query asking about this at
http://www.urch.com/forums/gre/111411-grammatical-mistakes.html

So, any kind of help from your side on this query would be appreciated. It would be nice of you, if you can tell me when to use "a, an & the", and "for, from & of ?"

myshkin
03-13-2009, 03:38 AM
These links might be of more help than me:

Guide to Grammar and Writing (http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/)
English grammar - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_grammar)
English Grammar and Writing : English language courses, English Grammar Online (http://www.edufind.com/english/Grammar/toc.cfm)