View Full Version : please read my essay and tell me what im doing wrong and write :)

11-17-2011, 08:26 AM
Hi there my name is hannah. I was wandering if you could please help me. i know this forum is for the SAT test but i am in Australia so this is actually for my STAT test which is very similar. i have not been to school in a long time and can not remember at all how to write an essay. please help. they have given me a sample topic to do a practice essay on. It is ment to be a formal argumentative essay. i sort of feel like i have completely gone off topic and some of it doesnt make sense? so please tell me the truth thank you!! here it is-

topic- Education is the greatest force for change and offers the greatest opputunity for hope about the future of our society.

Education is the greatest force for change and offers the greatest opputunity for hope about the future of our society. Without education how is it possible for us to learn and grow as people and as a society? We would not be able to better our lives and our world without education.

To change our lives for the better, we need to learn from our past mistakes. Being well educated in our country's history can help us to make better decisions for our country in the future. To be educated in history and knowing our country extremely well will help us to make the right decisions for our future. If the history is unknown then we are likely to continue to make the same mistakes and cause the same problems that we had in the past.

Technology is a huge factor in the way we live today and without education there is no way of expanding our knowledge on technology. Just look at the technology in our hospitals, it is because of these machines and medicines that we are able to save many lives and keep many people healthy. We need to keep educating ourselves so we are able to find cures for diseases, invent technology to help those with health issues and to keep the people of our future society alive, healthy and happy.

With education we are able to learn about different countrys and the way that they live, learn about other religions and their beliefs, and are able to learn many different languages. With this we are able to relate and communicate with other people around the world, we are able to understand their way of living and learn better ways to live. we can better our future by working together with other countries. This is not possible without education.

Without education, who would grow to be teachers helping our kids to learn? Who would grow to be Doctors saving peoples lives and keeping us healthy? Education is so important to the future of our society. Education helps us grow and change for the better.

That is all! please tell me the truth i will not be offended :)
Thank you!!!

08-08-2012, 08:05 PM
Let me start out by saying what works in your essay. The structure of your essay is correct for an academic paper. It is clear that there is an introduction paragraph, three body paragraphs, and a concluding paragraph. I can also see that your three body paragraphs back up your argument, education is important for improving lives. It is good that you have a well-organized paper.

However, there is room for improvement.

Helpful tip: start with a short outline of your essay before you start writing. Your first paragraph is usually where the thesis belongs. A thesis is an argumentative sentence that some people can disagree with. "We would not be able to better our lives and our world without education" is a good start because some people can argue against it. However, it could be stronger if you also included the 'how'. For example, a sentence such as "We would not be able to better our lives and our world without education because education helps us to make better decisions for the future, make improvements in technology, and connect with the rest of the world," would be a stronger thesis because it introduces what you are going to talk about in the rest of the essay. It is important to be as specific as possible when writing papers.

Your body paragraphs would be a lot stronger if you included more specifics. Just one or two extra sentences pointing to a specific situation would be very helpful. For the first body paragraph, you could mention an event in history, such as slavery, that we try not to repeat. Adding points like these make a more interesting paper and provide a stronger argument. Remember that concrete evidence makes you more believable.

Your concluding paragraph is pretty strong because it reiterates your main points in a fresh way.

For an essay that is timed and as short as this one, you could also try to narrow down your topic so that you can be even more specific about it. For example, you could have taken one of the points that you wrote and made a whole essay out of that one point.

Good job and keep it up!

05-11-2017, 03:17 PM
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