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bigduke
01-22-2005, 05:53 PM
Yep! you saw that thread heading correct.
After correspondence with Erin, I decided to start this thread for coaching all of you prospective GRE exam takers out there seeking AWA help. Kindly post your essays in this thread if you wish to have them evaluated and I shall also be giving you personalised tips on how to improve your writing skills. BUT, I can only guide you, I can't work miracles.

This thread is now officially open to all.

Note for Erin : Can this be turned into a sticky ?

bigduke
01-27-2005, 09:00 AM
Don't tell me no one's interested :(

e-lusion
01-27-2005, 11:34 AM
Don't tell me no one's interested :(
I will be when I start writing my essays which will be in a few weeks time :)

Erin
01-27-2005, 06:03 PM
Note for Erin : Can this be turned into a sticky ?
Stickied for now! Hope you have enough stamina to keep it going--you may find that essay work is tougher than it seems. :D

I suspect that things may start off slow, but once the ball gets rolling, you won't be able to keep up. ;)

nirmalya123
01-28-2005, 04:41 AM
Bigduke it's really amazing!!!!![banana]...
AWA is in general the most neglected part of GRE....
because no one is there to evaluate one's essay...
of couse Testmagic members are the exception...
You r exceptional among exception....MAVERIK[bounce]
KUDOS.......[clap]

bigduke
01-28-2005, 06:18 AM
Off Topic:
Erin ... didn't you say you had an HR recruiting agency? :p

Erin
01-28-2005, 06:50 AM
Off topic:

Happy birthday (a day late)! Saw your name up here and on SitePoint (http://www.sitepoint.com) yesterday. :D

bigduke
01-28-2005, 10:58 AM
Danke schoen Erin :D

rahul13
01-28-2005, 03:01 PM
hii big duke,
it's great of you to help us with the AWA section.I shall be sending you a few, do send me u'r response. Thank you and i wish you all the best.
bye...

Big Dog 04
01-30-2005, 10:19 AM
Before u change your mind, here are 2 essays - thanks in advance.
PERSPECTIVE
Sports stars and movie stars have responsibilities to young people as role models. This is because they earn millions of dollars and the least they can do is to exemplfiy good behaviour to their fans.

I think this is a classic example of specious reasoning. The premise sounds good and even appears logical and sound but on careful consideration, certain flaws are evident. I think this statement is quixotic and should be qualified by parents accepting the influence famous people have but ensuring their influence on their kids is the most important.

Children are often described as a 'gift' though many parents at certain trying periods may disagree. However, majority of parents are happy and proud of their kids. However they should also be responsible for their behaviour thus it is their duty to be role models rather than the movie stars or sports stars.

Human beings are generally social thus live in communities. I think it is a societal responsibility to determine what type of behaviour to promote or to suppress. Celebrities may behave in one way simply to present a public persona and gain fame it may not be their true character. Also, what may be good for one person to do may be catastrophic for society if we all did it. It is good for a person to save for the future, but if everyone in society did it the local economy would consume since all the major economies are highly dependent on individuals consumption to generate demand.

Lastly, people usually don’t become 'stars' because of good behaviour. It is mainly due to the talent they have e.g. playing football, acting or singing. Thus it is a bit hypocritical to expect them to be paragons of virtues after they are famous.

However, they wield influence over young people. Thus, they may do what their 'star' tells them to do. This is evident when a particular celebrity endorses a certain soft drink and then sales triple soon after. They may also dress like them or behave like them.

This may be because modern families do not offer positive role models due to the number of broken or single parent homes. Also society may emphasize the wrong things e.g. making money and becoming rich instead of being a responsible parent and taking care of your family.

Thus other factors are involved but suggesting that movie stars should be role models suggests we are devolving the job of role models to them instead of doing it ourselves. Also, they may put on a public front may be completely different in private.

Lastly, I am not sure its advisable to live in a society where young people are taught morals by sport stars rather than their families. If politicians are told not to get involved in personal business, that is we do not want a nanny state, why should we want famous people to?

Big Dog 04
01-30-2005, 10:22 AM
A company wants to build a hotel near natural bird habitat. The local council wants to sell them a small part of it. The land is a ourist attraction. An editor of the local paper is totally against it and says he can see absolutely no positive benefits from it.

I believe the resident do have a valid point but may be letting their emotions cloud their judgement. The environment is precious because it encompasses all of nature and Man, unfortunately, has damaged it severely in the past. However, we should not base future expectation on past events.

The Smith Corporation is only buying a small percentage of the land so this has to be put into perspective. This is different to them buying majority of the land and the birds being forced to find somewhere else to live. It is quite possible that they could cohabitate peacefully especially if the hotel does not damage the natural ecosystem.

Also what is being built is a hotel, not a pollution-emitting factory. The only major impact it could have may be roads being constructed to improve access to it. However if it is located on the outskirts, that should not be an issue. The argument would be more credible if there was a nuclear plant being developed or anything that would produce dangerous gases or severely damage the local environment.

Also, the writer’s tone is very negative. It is assumed that the proposal has no positive benefits whatsoever. This is displayed when the author says ''there are no circumstances under which this sale will benefit our community'.

Similarly this is emphasized when the author emphasises that ''there is NO way that their plans will do anything but harm the sanctuary''. This is an extremely biased view and reflects the authors viewpoint not fact. I believe the author's disinclination for any development prevents him from accepting that it may bring positive benefits to the area.

The development has several positive factors.lt may actually encourage tourists to stay longer as they will be nearer the birds and have somewhere comfortable to stay.

It may also help to regenerate the area and provide jobs for the local people. It may even increase the popularity of the reserve thus encouraging bird experts to visit.

Conversely, it is possible that the company would abandon its promises once it gets the property. However this is unlikely as they may be monitored by press or local government and have restrictions placed under the deal. Also companies like good publicity and are unlikely to ruin it just to make a few extra dollars.

Thus although the author is well -meaning, he is biased and his view is too polarized. He should consider alternative views and not be too extreme.

bigduke
02-03-2005, 02:22 PM
I've just undergone a surgery on my backside so I'll be brief since i cant sit or stand for long.
Bigdog for the perspective essay, it looks more like an analysis of an arg ... you need to rpesent what you think about the topic line rather than assessing its soundness. Avoid usage of "I think" makes you sound undecisive.

Adopt a writing style, something like:
General statement. (Claim)
Connecting statement.
Example (Warrant)
this makes things very clear to the already exhausted assessors.

I'll analyse this one and the next essay in greater depth soon ... i can barely stand right now. :)

Big Dog 04
02-03-2005, 05:07 PM
Hope u get better - its ok ive already done the exam so its now academic!

moon_2016
02-03-2005, 05:28 PM
Hey bigduke,
Get well soon.take care .

pet_ra
02-10-2005, 07:21 AM
"It is always an individual who is the impetus for innovation; the details may be worked out by a team, but true innovation results from the enterprise and unique perception of an individual."
The amount of information to work out increases very quickly nowadays. Now to prepare any mechanical stuff hundreds or thousands people are working, each in his narrow filed. Today the team is highly important step on developing and realizing any idea but anyway it is not the rush which only individual can carry out.

Instead of person who has a lot of ideas living in his mind the team is usually a group of people organized to solve particular problem. As more persons it counts more ideas in theirs heads are existing. The team has no one-way critical reasoning as people are thinking differently and every worker has own outlook to the discussed problem. Actually the task of a team is not to generate ideas but fulfill, develop and realize.

However how good the idea is the team has been still on high demand. For instance, the idea of any manufacture could die a commercial death without team. One businessman who has owned cereal manufacture has an idea to add soy protein to the wheat that his factory uses. His decision was made according to statistic information that people who are eating soybeans have a lower cholesterol level comparing to people who are not eating soybeans at all. But his decision is full of empty parts which the team has to fulfill. First of all he needs experts in wheat manufacturing to know the proportion of possible soy protein supplement. Moreover the management team has to work on the idea. It needs to serf the market and search for manufactures who have already implemented the idea in life. The advertising departure should work seriously under the new product to show the society the real profit of it. Thus the idea is surely nothing without a team.

Summarizing all, the idea created by individual and team have to coexist. Very little amount of inventors could implement ideas in life without team and surely the work area of an invention is minimal. Imagine that team is ?0? and idea is ?1?. Team is zero without a rush which a person who created an idea can give. Idea is something ? ?1?. But what a huge increase individual, who is impetus for innovation, and team, who is the main implementer, make ? ?10?.

pet_ra
02-10-2005, 07:24 AM
? are dash here
please rate my analysis of an issue
thanks

bigduke
02-10-2005, 12:38 PM
"It is always an individual who is the impetus for innovation; the details may be worked out by a team, but true innovation results from the enterprise and unique perception of an individual."

The amount of information to work out increases very quickly nowadays. Now to prepare any mechanical stuff hundreds or thousands people are working, each in his own narrow filed. Today the team is highly important step on developing and realizing any idea but anyway it is not the rush which only individual can carry out. (candid language, needs refining)

Instead of (As opposed to one) person who has a lot of ideas living in his mind the team is usually a group of people organized to solve particular problem. As more persons it counts more ideas in theirs heads are existing. The team has no one-way critical reasoning as people are thinking differently and every worker has own outlook to the discussed problem. Actually the task of a team is not to generate ideas but fulfill, develop and realize.
(Supporting facts / examples ???)
(Claim 1: team has haphazard ideas, unlinke a single person)

However how good the idea is the team has been still on high demand. For instance, the idea of any manufacture could die a commercial death without team. One businessman who has owned cereal manufacture has an idea to add soy protein to the wheat that his factory uses. His decision was made according to statistic information that people who are eating soybeans have a lower cholesterol level comparing to people who are not eating soybeans at all. But his decision is full of empty parts which the team has to fulfill. First of all he needs experts in wheat manufacturing to know the proportion of possible soy protein supplement. Moreover the management team has to work on the idea. It needs to serf the market and search for manufactures who have already implemented the idea in life. The advertising departure should work seriously under the new product to show the society the real profit of it. Thus the idea is surely nothing without a team.
(language needs refinement, example needs to be more convincing)
(Claim 2: an idea needs a team for implementation)

Summarizing all, the idea created by individual and team have to coexist. Very little amount of inventors could implement ideas in life without team and surely the work area of an invention is minimal. Imagine that team is ?0? and idea is ?1?. Team is zero without a rush which a person who created an idea can give. Idea is something ? ?1?. But what a huge increase individual, who is impetus for innovation, and team, who is the main implementer, make.
(loose conclusion)


Pet, no doubt you've improved compared to your earlier attempts ... if you could add a few more points and work on the language you'll get that desired score!

Rating : 3.5

pet_ra
02-10-2005, 02:47 PM
thank you very much
i'll try and take your advices into consideration
i have exam in 5 days
may it be convinient to send you some essays also and not only issue?
thank you
you are my great GRE helper)

bigduke
02-10-2005, 05:27 PM
sure pet ... post them here :)

pet_ra
02-12-2005, 06:14 PM
The following appeared in a memo from the economic minister of the small country Paucia.

"Using a newly developed variety of seed, farmers in our neighboring country Abundia produced 80 percent more rice last year than in any previous year. To increase the income of farmers in our own country, we should encourage them to cultivate this new variety of rice rather than some of their traditional crops. Such high yields of rice will also improve our country's balance of trade by enabling us to begin exporting it."



Using a newly developed variety of seed, checked by experts on its favorable yield, is a available way to produce a big amount of the product for farmers.The author presents information regarding the harvest which neighboring country got using one modernized type of rice seed. He also claim that it will be profitable for his country to use the same seed as well. Presenting his assumptions, he lacks a lot of facts according to which he will be able to support his claims.

First of all, the author starts by stating that farmers in neighboring country produced 80 percent more rice last year than in any previous year. However, in doing so he doesn't take into consideration different conditions which had been previous years. There could be various nature disasters, environment problems, farmers inactivity. Moreover, the economic minister assumpts that using the newly developed variety of seed in his country encourages it to increase farmers income but there are no information from neighboring country if the modernized rice seed was used only last year. If it was used previous years the other causes of great harvest exists. The neighbor could give a lot of money previous years to make
earth favorable, to organize techlogical process, to involve farmers in growing the newly developed variety of seed. Thus the mentioned claim about profit in neighboring country required more details.

Furthermore, he mentioned that high yields would be received by encouraging farmers to use the new rice seed. But the harvest depends not only on farmers and products they are growing. Does the soil in the country fit for rice cultivating? Is the earth the same in authors country and neighboring? Does the climate conditions are equal? It is seemed that the claim about high yields is faltering and shortsighted.

Moreover, the minister noted about farmers involving but he has to take into account the farmers should be acquainted how to grow the product. Do they really want to change traditional rice to unknown rice? The changes should be made in farmers minds, the new package of knowledge should be presented to them and there is no information how long all these changes will take and how much will it cost for the country. In other words, the author's evidence about high profit for country is absolutely implausible.

Finally, country balance of trade depends not only on high income of farmers and different time it may increase or decrease influencing any area from which country receives money. And the favor which the author is expected from exporting the rice should be honored. The rice should be on a high demand on the market, should have the quality according to well-known standards and should be in a suitable place to be transported.

Summarizing all, although the newly developed variety of seed may be a cause of such a great increase of farmers income in neighboring country, it may not be the only factor of the great harvest. The author assumption is flawed as it relies on series of unsubstantiated premises and fallacious reasoning.

argument, please rate
oh, it takes me 1.05
what should i do?

bigduke
02-13-2005, 06:02 AM
very good attempt pet ... the best I've seen so far! :) Aside from a few mistakes here n there, which I suppose are usually overlooked its a well analysed text.
Rating : 5.0
If you take longer to write this, all I can say at this moment is "think fast and type faster", otherwise I would have suggested racing against the clock. But, don't worry, on the day of the exam hte adrenaline level will be so high you'll be able to outperform yourself. ;)

pet_ra
02-13-2005, 08:36 AM
thank you
i will work on it
and send you also issue today

pet_ra
02-13-2005, 12:15 PM
please rate issue
1 hour

"Sometimes imagination is a more valuable asset than experience. People who lack experience are free to imagine what is possible and thus can approach a task without constraints of established habits and attitudes."

The knowledge is required everywhere, in any thing and area. Experience give us the information of possibilities and the improvement of skills. On my opinion imagination comparing to experience can't be a rush to approach a task.

Surely, the imagination may be indicated as the main kick for artists. Nevertheless celebrities as all other ordinary people have acted according to their habits. Works of particular artist can be identified by his technics, details he used in his works. One of the Raffael's masterpiece is the picture of his last love. However there is no proof who was she, a baker daughter or bride of Raphael's patron. But Raphael did paint another portrait of a woman who has been really identified as his last lover. In this paint the rich lady is closed and demure opposite unknown lady who is naked and bold. But all details, chin, color of cheek, eyes, and mouth and the position of body and arms incline to identification the unknown woman as the femme fatale for Raffael.

However the knowledge and experience is important nowadays as well. In order to become an owner of any business, to produce, to sell or to service the future boss should at least have an idea about the things he wants to work with. However, the statistics shows that half of such business are died because of lack of professionalism. The real successors have been those one who have known a lot in things they have carried out. One of the directors of Ford, Li Yakoka, was extremely successful later in the same position in Kraysler. The previous director of Kraysler was a man who had no experience and market feeling. Li Yakoka understood automobile manufacturing thus move Kraysler from crisis to benefit.

Even people says that it should forget about limits in order to make difference the following example may proof the opposite. Bubka, a professional sportsmen in jumping, worked a long time to make the world record in jumping. Actually he crashed the conception of human abilities in sport. His record has not still reached by any of sportsmen in jumping. But up to the time of his compelling achievement he wasn't inexperienced sportsmen. Only Bubka's serious efforts has caused the achieved result.

Summarizing all, it has be conclude that according to several examples the imagination is not the main cause for breaking limits. The dreams are actually involve to achieve high results but the approach of a task is achieved by mixture of human efforts and his knowledge.

bigduke
02-13-2005, 04:17 PM
need to work on the intro on this one pet
your point is unclear in the second para
pay attention to your punctuation, it can change the entire meaning of the sentence.
pet .... rewrite this with better claims and supporting evidence / statements. your overall stand is nto brought out at all ... infact its not really in keeping with the topic at hand

pet_ra
02-13-2005, 04:32 PM
thanks i will work on it

do you think examples of Li Yakoka and Bubka don't suit

wemer
02-13-2005, 04:50 PM
:) Hi, Bigduke:

Here is my first issue writing, so please feel free to drop bomb on me.
Thanks in advance --Jephyr

I have made some corrections (but not for sure. Please grade if necessary), however, there are surely more to be corrected.

Issue167: 458 words 45 minutes

It is impossible for an effective political leader to tell the truth all the time. Complete honesty is not a useful virtue for a politician.



It has long been a controversial issue between critics that whether a political leader should always speak out the real facts. This is quite a complex issue, since how effectiveness is defined will suggest different answer to the question. However, I disagree with the aurger's statement, and I hold that hoesty is of great importance to an effective politician.

First and foremost, a politician should cherish honesty as the most precious merit in his career. Not only politics should a politician master well, but also he should be honest to his advocators, people and nation. Even though it seems hard to speak out the truth in certain occasion, a really effective politician should know how to use the politically rhetorical manner/fashion to cope with the awkward situation. What a politican claims in public could reflects his ability to handle the adverse conditions, which is an extrordinarily efficient way to test a politician.

Another reason why I advocate my point of view is that it is easy to confuse the long-term effectiveness with the short-term one. As is known to all, telling a lie may temporarily avoid a crisis, nevertheless, a sagacious politician could not tell lies all his life. Moreover, provided that one had to tell told a lie two months ago, he has to tell another in order to prohibit his former one from being realized. It will surely lead to a vicious circle. A well-known politician onced remarked, "Being honest only benefit you in a long-time era/period."


Admittedly, certain situations allow the politician to say nothing. When it comes to national affairs, which are relevant to a nation's security and confidential decisions, a wise politician should know that being quite is the best response. Some will argue that politics and morality are totally different regimes, and politician has no obligation to care so much about moral manners. However, according to a research by National Cultural Association (NCA), the leaders with high moral quality gain much more respect than those who without.


Last but not the least, honesty cannot be torn apart from the virtues for a politician especially in democratic society. What a citizen need is just the lastest news of the country, the development of the society, the progess of political events, and so forth, which have become a part of every citizen's life. Consequently, an effective politician cannot deprive the very right of citizen, and telling truth is of significant importance to a politician. It is his obligation to speak out what has happend in his country.


To conclude, honesty should never be abolished, especially for a respected politician in charge. Proper handling of rhetorical speaking will help a sagacious politician to keep his virtue of honesty without telling a lie.

bigduke
02-13-2005, 06:52 PM
It is impossible for an effective political leader to tell the truth all the time. Complete honesty is not a useful virtue for a politician.

It has long been a controversial issue between (among) critics that whether a political leader should always speak out the real facts. This is quite a complex issue, since how effectiveness is defined will suggest different answer to the question. However, I disagree with the aurger's statement (paraphrase), and I hold that hoesty is of great importance to (be) an effective politician.
(Intro needs more work)

First and foremost, a politician should cherish honesty as the most precious merit (virtue?)in his career. Not only politics should a politician master well, but also he should be honest to his advocators, people and nation. Even though it seems hard to speak out the truth in certain occasion, a really effective politician should know how to use the politically rhetorical manner/fashion (diplomatic rhetoric) to cope with the awkward situation. What a politican claims in public could reflects his ability to handle the adverse conditions, which is an extrordinarily efficient way to test a politician.
(Para 2: Where does it state your claim and how are you supporting it?)

Another reason why I advocate (we are not writing these essays to advocate anything, just present your views) my point of view is that it is easy to confuse the long-term effectiveness with the short-term one. As is known to all, telling a lie may temporarily avoid a crisis, nevertheless, a sagacious politician could not tell lies all his life. Moreover, provided that one had to tell told a lie two months ago, he has to tell another in order to prohibit his former one from being realized. It will surely lead to a vicious circle. A well-known politician onced remarked, "Being honest only benefit you in a long-time era/period." (revise and make shorter)
(Para 3: missing warrant i.e. supporting facts / examples)

Admittedly, certain situations allow the politician to say nothing. When it comes to national affairs, which are relevant to a nation's security and confidential decisions, a wise politician should know that being quite (check spelling) is the best response. Some will argue that politics and morality are totally different regimes, and politician has no obligation to care so much about moral manners. However, according to a research by National Cultural Association (NCA), the leaders with high moral quality gain much more respect than those who without.


Last but not the least, honesty cannot be torn apart from the virtues for a politician especially in democratic society. What a citizen needs is just the lastest news of the country, the development of the society, the progess of political events, and so forth, which have become a part of every citizen's life. Consequently, an effective politician cannot deprive the very right of citizen, and telling truth is of significant importance to a politician. It is his obligation to speak out what has happend in his country.


To conclude, honesty should never be abolished (there's nothing mentioned about abolishing honesty), especially for a respected politician in charge. Proper handling of rhetorical speaking will help a sagacious politician to keep his virtue of honesty without telling a lie.

I'll be generous Jephyr and award you a 3.0 on this.
Kindly go through the Baron's AWA section for a quick "how-to" on analysis of an issue. You need to work hard.

P.S. Thats a nice poem on your signature! :)

wemer
02-14-2005, 04:24 PM
Thank you bigduke. You are really generous, and I will certainly following your instruction on that. Hope I could do better in the future.

pet_ra
02-15-2005, 09:38 AM
Today is my GRE exam

Please check this

i'll do my best in 45 minutes

please give me also as many advices as you think is enough to improve my writting in several hours...

thank you for all

the most practical and effective way to protect wilderness areas is to attract more tourists to these areas through environmentally sensative projects.




The central issue of the topic is protecting wilderness areas. The author states that attracting more tourists to these territories make them to be saved. But, on my point of view, such popular attention to wild areas would only spoil the environmental situation there. This point is proved in the following paragraphs.




First of all, it is required to understand the term “environmentally sensative projects”. The project is surely expected to be organized in a way when no wild animal or plant is worried. The tourists, who are going to such trips, have had an exciting possibility to get acquanted with wildness life. However, all people, should be very responsible and attentive to the nature, travelling in such special areas.




Nevertheless, the wilderness attracting tourists has been actually destroyed by its popularity. Everyone want to touch the wild nature that has lessened every year. The “wild” places have given a lot of money to tourists agencies. Many groups have gone to these extraordinary areas but surely there has been no possibility to ensure if all people, who are visiting wilderness territories, have been responsible to the nature and sensitive to the environment. That is the main cause why there have been environmental problems on Niagara fall, Victoria lake and many other wild places. The birds have flied away from Niagara as lot of technical loud machines has appeared there, the wild animal have left Victoria lake as they are afraid of groups of people who have come to their land. The wilderness area has become a popular tourist place and no wild nature is there now.




Even somebody claims that the most practical and effective way to save wilderness territories is to make profit from them, that is not true. The more groups are visiting Niagara the less it looks like wild place. Some projects are even prepared to build nearby several hotels. Thus the money which has been get from the wild place have spent not for environment protecting but for further development of tourist in the “wild” area.




Summarizing all, the most effective way to protect wild nature is not to disturbe it. If the visiting of there areas had been beneficial for them the number of wild places would have been constant but not lessened as it has happened nowadays.

pet_ra
02-15-2005, 10:47 AM
Today is my GRE exam

Please check this

i'll do my best in 30 minutes

please give me also as many advices as you think is enough to improve my writting in several hours...

thank you for all

There is a general idea that a translation always fails to preserve some of the qualities that distinguish the original work—i.e., that 'something always gets lost in translation.' Writers, critics, and the general reading public unthinkingly accept this clichè. But this belief is unwarranted: translators are sometimes distinguished authors themselves, and some authors may even translate their own works. As the translator pointed out in the preface to an English version of Dante's works, the violin and the piano make different sounds, but they can play what is recognizably the same piece of music.
In the following topic the author states that the belief in the translation that is expected to lost the general idea of work is unwarrented. However to prove the following statement he takes into consideration some convincing and shortsighted claims.




The author indicates that the translation is not lost when the translators are distinguished authors themselves. Moreover the author notes that there are authors who are the translators for their works. However, this claim highlightes only particular group of literal workers. Actually the literal world is full of artists and many of them know only native language and have no concern to translators. Thus this claim requires a more comprehensive study.




Then the author cited the one's translator phrase. The meaning of the statement is that the transalted work and the original sound differently but recognizably mean the same. But the author doen't take into account that the purpose of translation is to rewrite the original exactly on the other language.The translation of essay is not an essay but exact retyping of original on the other language.




Summarizing all, the author assumption is plausible only according particular type of writers but full of fallacies generally.

bigduke
02-16-2005, 06:03 AM
Pet ... a day before the exam don't overload yourself with what you must do on the AWA. Just stay focussed, recollect what you've learnt so far and prepare yourself mentally for the challenge ahead.
I wish you the very best of luck, let me know how fared on the test in general with special emphasis on AWA. :)

wemer
02-19-2005, 01:49 AM
Hi, Bigduke,
I have a question about AWA's quotation. Provided that in my issue I want to quote other' s remark to demonstrate my point, the writing style like this:
...
As the head of Pharmacology at my university said (and I paraphrase): "I can...blah blah blah. "

So, is the statement: " (and I paraphrase): " necessary? Why?

Thank you~~ Jephyr

bigduke
02-21-2005, 06:24 AM
jephyr ... thats just fine ... just make sure the actual text is in double quotes lest it might be mistaken for plagiarism :p

uchicago
04-13-2005, 11:22 PM
didn't think i should post my essay twice, but i'd love to get your comments over on this thread. (http://www.urch.com/forums/showthread.php?t=23782) thanks!

jazmt
04-17-2005, 11:43 PM
Hi could you comment on these two essays

First Essay (Analyze an issue)

"The media (books, film, music, television, for example) tend to create rather than reflect the values of a society."

While sometimes it appears that the media controls the values of society. When we look a little bit below the surface, we see that this is not as true as it appears at first glance. Instead the media will follow society's value system.
First of all The media along with everything else in society must be popular in order to sell. If what the media were preaching were unpopular then that newspaper/channel etc. would quickly go out of business.
Second of all the media can't create values which completely go against society. This is because the people who are in the media are themselves part of society. Therefore their values are definitivly part of society's values. In other words the people who are in the media believe what they say and as such there publications reflect on that segment's of society beliefs.
Third of all the media is not one person therefore if someone's values goes against that of the main stream media then they could open there own media source. For instance the Israeli news source "arutz sheva". A group of people in Israel decided that mainstream Israeli news was too left wing for them and opened their own right wing radio station and internet newspaper.
If one would argue, since the media controls the information flow. People's values will follow the information. We answer that this is true only on the details. But not on the fundamental values. For example Yasser Arafat was viewed as aman of peace until three years ago. At that point the world recognized him as a terrorist. The thing which changed was not the value of peace and our hatred of terrorism but only who the object of our ideals was.
One could also argue that its true that the values will not be changed conciously but the media will still have a subconcious effect. We answer that if the only effect is psychological then our parents, friends and teachers have a greater effect on us psychologically then any external source. For example no matter how many atheist movies a christian sees they will not turn his values away from the church since the priest remains a parent figure and his friends would shun him.
In conclusion the argument that the media creates society's values is not accurate except in rare circumstances. And that when the media goes against society's values they will quickly be brought back in line.


Second Essay (Analyze an Argument)

The following appeared as a letter to the editor of a local newspaper.
"Five years ago, we residents of Morganton voted to keep the publicly owned piece of land known as Scott Woods in a natural, undeveloped state. Our thinking was that, if no shopping centers or houses were built there, Scott Woods would continue to benefit our community as a natural parkland. But now that our town planning committee wants to purchase the land and build a school there, we should reconsider this issue. If the land becomes a school site, no shopping centers or houses can be built there, and substantial acreage would probably be devoted to athletic fields. There would be no better use of land in our community than this, since a large majority of our children participate in sports, and Scott Woods would continue to benefit our community as natural parkland."

This proposal sounds very appealing on first sight. However when we take a closer look it seems that the author has missed some very important points.
First of all the original decision was not made in order to avoid developement but in order to have a natural parkland. The author fails to show that the benefits of a parkland are outweighed by the need for more athletic space. For example maybe the benefit was for the adults, or to create an appreciation of nature which athletics does not do.
Second of all the author presents no evidence that more athletic fields are necesary. Since so many children play athletics it is likely that their needs are currently being met.
Third of all the author assumes that just because there will be a school there there will also be many acres of athletic fields. It is possible that the town can only afford a school and that the rest of the land will go to developers.
Fourth of all the people of morganton voted for Scott woods to be undeveloped. Building a school there will not help it to remain undeveloped. It will remain undeveloped even without a school there. In fact the school will on the contrary be more developed then the current woods.
Fifth of all he fails to show that an alternate site would not satisfy the educational needs of the comunity without compromising the benefits of a natural park.
Sixth he assumes that the majority of the community has children. It could be that the minority has children and only the majority of them play sports.
If the author could show that if no school were to be built the land would be developed regardless of the previous vote. Or if he could show that all of the benefits of a woodland can also be acheived through sports and schools. Or if he could demonstrate that this is the only way to satisfy the educational needs of the community. Then his argument would be a great deal stronger.
In summary the author fails to provide the necesary evidence to support such a bold proposition. Until he does so it would seem ideal to leave the park in its current state.


Thanks a lot

bigduke
04-23-2005, 02:21 PM
Hi Jazmt,

OK for the first one, it clearly needs more flesh (content). You have made claims without having substantive proof to buttress them. You refer to parents, teachers and friends as "internal sources". And media today is not limited in the hands of "social" people and is no more controlled by large organizations eg. websites and independent radio and more recently podcasts. Make sure your examples are contemporary. It shows more insight and breadth of knowledge. There are places where the complex sentences need proper punctuation and the language needs revison. Try to come up with a better (more than 3 sentences) intro. Also, work on a "bottomline" kind of a conclusion. Something like hitting the gavel on the lectern and closing the topic without further questions.
Rating : 3.5

For the second one can you list out the claims you spotted in the passage? Avoid repetetive phrases such as "X of all" ...
Rating : 3.5

bigduke
04-23-2005, 02:28 PM
Chicago, thats a nice essay. I'll take it that you actually ARE in the U.S. I don't know about there but drugstores here sure don't have anything other than pharma stuff.
"Given the dismal forecast of next year's economy ...", I couldn't see this piece of info anywhere in the passage. Kindly DO NOT use information you have to make a point on such essays.

Rating : 5.0

attrc
05-22-2005, 01:08 PM
Could you rate this please, bigduke...?

http://www.urch.com/forums/showthread.php?t=26763

Thanks!

determined
05-23-2005, 11:27 PM
Hi bigduke,

Can u please comment on my first essay.I hope u have recovered from the pain of surgery.

Thanks in advance.



"The best way to teach - whether as an educator, employer, or parent - is to praise positive actions and ignore negative ones."





The speaker here asserts that praising the positive actions and ignoring the negative ones is the best way to teach children. Although I agree that appreciating the positive actions is necessary in teaching. However, I do not completely agree with the speaker that ignoring the negative ones and praising positive ones is the best way to teach. There has to be a limit and balance while praising and ignoring ones actions.



To begin with, praising positive actions is good way to teach but there has to be a limit. If a person is praised too much then there is a chance that the person might become overconfident and overestimate his abilities. For example, consider a tennis player who has just won a state level competition. If the coach just keeps praising his positive actions and ignores the weaknesses then that player might never be able to overcome the weaknesses. This gives the player a wrong opinion about himself and might lose in the next national level match because of overconfidence. This in turn might lead to diffidence.





In another instance, consider a student who is good in social studies and weak in maths. If the teacher or the parent keep praising him that he is good in social studies and ignore his weakness that student might never be able to improve in Math’s and because of this the student might not be able to pass all the subjects and move to the next grade.



The converse might also be true. By criticizing the mistakes and not appreciating the positive actions might lead to a person developing inferiority complex and might lose confidence. As stated earlier, consider the student who is good in Social studies and weak in Mathematics. If the parents or teacher just keep on accusing of being weak in Math’s and not appreciate the performance in other subjects. The student will not be able to identify the strong areas and will end up making a wrong choice while choosing major subject in college and eventually might lose interest in studies.



In another example, consider the employee who is excellent at work but has poor time management skills. If the employer just praises him for his good work and ignores his time management then some day they may have to incur the loss because of not delivering things on time. On the other hand if the employer just criticizes about the employees’ poor time management and does not bother to appreciate the quality of the work employee is giving then the employee might get offended and start delivering poor quality work, which in turn is not good for both employee and employer. The employer has to find a balance between lauding and criticizing and try to bring the best out of employee.



To conclude, there has to be a balance between lauding the positive actions and criticizing the negative ones. The best way to teach is to bring out the best from the person which can be achieved by both appreciating the positive actions and also pointing out the negative ones with a positive intention.

bigduke
05-24-2005, 01:55 AM
Determined,

Rule 1 : DO NOT mention the speaker in issue essays.

Corrections :
"The best way to teach - whether as an educator, employer, or parent - is to praise positive actions and ignore negative ones."

The speaker here asserts that praising the positive actions and ignoring the negative ones is the best way to teach children. Although I agree that appreciating the positive actions is necessary in teaching (where is the counter statement for although). However, I do not completely agree with the speaker that ignoring the negative ones and praising positive ones is the best way to teach. There has to be a limit and balance while praising and ignoring ones actions.
(You have just repeated what has been said in the topic line, where is the intro ? )

To begin with, praising positive .... turn might lead to diffidence.

In another instance, consider a student who is good in social studies and weak in maths (mathematics / math. "maths" is our Indian adn incorrect abbreviation). If the teacher or the parent keep praising him that he is good in social studies and ignore his weakness that student might never be able to improve in Math’s and because of this the student might not be able to pass all the subjects and move to the next grade.

The converse might also .... lose interest in studies.

In another example (repetition of opening line), consider the employee who is excellent at work but has poor time management skills. ....

Overall, good job, considering that this is your first attempt at this. You'll have to work on the language a bit. You have yaken a neutral stand on this one, which is perfectly OK as long as you have supporting statements.

In keeping with the topic of your essay, I'll be somewhat generous and award you a rating of 5.0 on this. BUT, you need to improve still. Until you get a consistent 5.0+ across 5 essays don't stop working on it.

Good job!

attrc
05-24-2005, 05:50 AM
Hey bigduke,
Thanks for your reply on the previous essay. Hope you're doing ok afetr the surgery...
Here's another essay I've written, and tried to stregthen the intro a bit. Vould you look at it, if you can?
http://www.urch.com/forums/showthread.php?p=157139#post157139

Thanks

samy_dg
05-30-2005, 12:30 PM
Please comment on this one :











"Most people would agree that buildings represent a valuable record of any society's past, but controversy arises when old buildings stand on ground that modern planners feel could be better used for modern purposes. In such situations, modern development should be given precedence over the preservation of historic buildings so that contemporary needs can be served."





Every place on earth has a history of its own. Even the most insignificant town has a past; a past that is sometimes glorious with legends of heroes; sometimes dark and shrouded with mystery. The stories of yesterday are sometimes inspiring and make the residents proud; sometimes, again, such stories seem like fantastic fairytales from a shadowy past. And most places have buildings and architectures, which carry the legacy of a memorable or half-known past. It can be an ancient church or a temple; the bells of which have chimed for centuries. It might be a castle, the place from where the earlier rulers used to ensure safety for the residents. Again it may just be an old, broken down cottage; deserted for ages; ordinary to look at, but having a lot of strange stories associated with it. These old buildings often stand with their heads held high in the midst of an ultramodern neighborhood—bearing proudly the symbols of misty shadowy days of a vaguely remembered past. In the middle of the busiest city centers, they remind us of days when everything was different. These buildings might be shabby and worn out, standing wearily in a dilapidated condition like an apparition,with chunks of concrete coming off, faded paint and protruding beams. Again, they may be gorgeous and ornate with majestic archways and towers. Many buildings are famous for the great persons who once stayed there; the homes of Shakespeare or the birthplace of Einstein create a special sensation when a visitor steps into them. Many, again are remembered for the events that took place there. Such buildings often stand proudly bearing symbols of a glorious or a not so glorious yesterday; in the midst of all the modern architectural wonders of our ultra-modern 21st century technology. Whatever be its link to history; an old house is generally loved by locals, and most people have some kind of a nostalgia associated with these buildings.

As civilization expands and places develop at jet speed in today's fast changing world; these old architectures, however, often posse problems to us. Very often engineers and architects face situations where an old historic building blocks the possibility of the development of a modern architecture. Perhaps such a house stands tall on the way of a new highway or a flyover; the construction of which would otherwise be much beneficial for the locals. In such cases, the authorities have to take a decision: whether they would sacrifice people's benefits and preserve the legacy of the past; or would they rather ensure ease and well-being for present day residents at the cost of historical remains.

There cannot be a straight answer to the above question; and a lot of things have to be considered before arriving at the decision. We have to answer the following questions: How important is the building in question as far the history of the place is concerned. And secondly, how important is the suggested modern construction for the residents.

There are buildings which have become symbols of places down the ages. Such buildings bring lots of tourists every year and have become a part of the city's own identity. It would be foolish to bring down such buildings for some modern utility. It would only be ridiculous to replace, say the Leaning Tower of Pisa, with a brand new 200-floor business center; even if Pisa appears to be a great location for the latter. Nor would it be wise to tamper with the neighboring background of a nostalgic building. We cannot imagine the growing shadow of a gigantic multiplex over the splendors of the Taj Mahal. For the same reason, Paris hasn't allowed its horizon to be crowded with skyscrapers; letting the Eiffel Tower reign supreme over the Parisian skyline.

But then, there may be different situations. There might be a case where the building is of little importance; standing oddly in the middle of glorious high rises; resembling a clumsy goose flanked by adorable swans. If such a building is obstructing the possibility of modern constructions, then it is useless to preserve it for the sake of heritage. We have to realize that past is important to us only in the way it affects our present; and the present has to be given the priority when a clash appears between the two.

Thus we see that the decision whether to bring down or preserve an old building has to be made analyzing the cause of new construction and the importance of the old building. Whichever surpasses the other, must be our prior consideration; and if needs demand, the past has to make way for the present; to ensure a better future.




Thanking you in advance,

Samy_dg.

bigduke
06-06-2005, 11:04 AM
I'll take it that your stand on the topic is neutral.
1. Avoid repetition of words or phrases in a single para, e.g. "again" in para 1.
2. Use transition words/phrases like however, furthermore, for instance (refer to barrons for a list)
3. The intro was great but cut it short, the conclusion went flat.
4. There don't seem to be any clear claims supported by concrete evidence/anecdote etc. It all seems like a non-rhetoric essay. Analysis of an issue is meant to move the reader, it HAS to have some rhetoric element in it, you are trying to convince the reader of your stand and not merely express your views on the the subject.
Infact, I have seen only one point in there, "build new buildings if its important based on certain aspects".

The idea is to tell the reader if you believe in something then why do you do so.
In the GRE although a neutral stand is acceptable, use it only in case of major controversial issues concerning philosophical sects, views on history etc. For something like this, make up your mind, whether or not and then come up with atleast FOUR excellent points that'll leave no doubt in the reader's mind about your views.

Hope that helps. :)

samy_dg
06-06-2005, 12:47 PM
Thank you so much for your suggestions.
I'll definitely take them into account in the future.

ish
06-06-2005, 03:19 PM
Hi Big duke. I cant believe I missed this thread.:) I'd posted this a couple of days back, and I did get a friend's opinion on it.I would love it if you could let me know what you think as well. Thanks.

"Only once when one has known real sadness can one feel true happiness”




I completely agree with the given statement that only when a person has known real sadness can he appreciate true happiness. A lot of people would jump at the offer of complete happiness without any sadness to mar their lives. However, in retrospect, I feel this attitude is rather puerile. One of the most important things that set us apart is our capacity to learn from experience. This capacity ranges from the obvious, from learning that we must not put our hands in front of a fire, lest we get burnt, to the profound. It is these experiences that enrich our lives and make us better people.



To further my point, I would like to narrate a certain analogy of a little girl who was diagnosed with a particular disorder of the nervous system, so she could never feel pain. Initially, the ramifications of such a disorder were lost on most people who came in contact with this little girl. However, soon they became alarmed at what she was facing. Even if she were bleeding profusely from a cut or a bruise, she would nonchalantly observe the blood, and remain impassive. She was never in pain, though she could easily have bled to death. A person who has not feel sadness is in much the same situation. Initially, everyone around him feels that his is a rather advantageous position, as he does not experience one of the emotions that all the world tries to avoid, sadness, but as we think further, we realize that it is a very debilitating condition.



One of the emotions that unites the whole world is sadness. Each and every person relates to it, as he has felt it himself at some point of time. A kinship is born out of shared sorrow, and it gives birth to compassion. A person who does not feel any sadness will never understand what it feels like to be in pain, to suffer. He will always look at the world with his very narrow view of the person who is capable of only one emotion. Besides, the idea of happiness itself would become redundant in our lives if sadness were absent in it, because what is sadness if not an absence of happiness?



When we feel sadness, the agony of losing someone we love, the loss of having a dream shattered, we discover new facets of ourselves that were dormant in easier times. Out of sadness, great heroes have been born, and extraordinary acts have been performed. I truly believe that a person learns much more about life when he is in dire circumstances. We would so easily become complacent about everything if there weren’t anything to check us. More importantly, only if we have experienced the loss of something will we realize completely the value of that entity in our lives. After all, we value what we miss, not what we have.



In conclusion, I’d like to reiterate my belief that we must understand that though sadness can seem debilitating, it serves to empower us greatly. Our attitude to certain emotions matters as much, or more, than the emotion itself. Without sadness or pain in our lives, we would be resigning our lives to a boring existence where there is nothing to feel especially happy or hopeful about, because we will never realize just how much it means to us. We would very easily take everything for granted, and lose perspective on almost all matters of our lives. Sadness is an inherent part of life, and just as every other emotion, can empower us, if we look at it the right way.

orangesun
06-06-2005, 10:26 PM
Hi! Could you please give me some feedback to this argument essay? I am interested in comments about the overall aspects of my essay. Did I mention all the important logical fallacies, and did I draw any incorrect conclusions? Thanks so much!





59. Sunspots

The following appeared in an article in the health section of a newspaper.



"According to the available medical records, the six worst worldwide flu epidemics during the past 300 years occurred in 1729, 1830, 1918, 1957, 1968, and 1977. These were all years with heavy sunspot activity—that is, years when the Earth received significantly more solar energy than in normal years. People at particular risk for the flu should therefore avoid prolonged exposure to the Sun."


This argument concludes that based on a correlation between flu epidemics in several years and the heavy sunspot activity in those years that the former is attributable, at least partly, to the latter. He further claims people who are at risk of developing the flu should avoid prolonged exposure to the sun. At first glance the author's suggestions seems to be a reasonable recommendation for preventing the flu. However, a close examination of the argument reveals that the conclusion is not entirely convincing and ignores certain crucial assumptions.



To begin with, the most crucial flaw is that the writer attributes the cause of the flu epidemic to heavy sunspot activity. Yet the correlation alone amounts to scant evidence of the claimed cause-and-effect relationship. Perhaps the flu is caused by other factors as well that occurred much more in these years than in other years. For instance, perhaps in those years people had abnormally bad hygiene, causing them to get sick more than in other years. The living environment and availability of medical facilities cannot be ruled out as possible causes either. It is also entirely possible that the increased sunspot activity indirectly caused the flu epidemic, not through sun exposure, but, rather, through a third factor. For instance, perhaps the sunspot activity caused a change in the physical conditions on the earth, atmospheric changes, or even insect behavior. For instance, it is entirely possible that a change in insect behavior explains the increased flu epidemic, especially if there was an increased tendency of insects to transmit the flu disease in those years. Thus, an indirect result from the sunspot activity could have led to a worldwide flu epidemic, a possibility too quickly dismissed by the author. Thus, the writer clearly needs to establish the causality between the flu and the sunspot activity to make his argument more convincing.



Additionally, granted that the sunspot activity causes flu epidemics and that the worst flu epidemics did take place in those six years, the author relies on the assumption that increased sunspot activity automatically means more sun exposure. No matter how much energy from the sun is coming in to the earth, to a large degree people actively control the amount of time exposed to the sun. It is even possible that in those years the flu became an epidemic because people deliberately avoided exposure to the sun, especially if people anticipated incorrectly that less sunlight means less risk of flu.



Furthermore, the medical records themselves may be problematic in several respects. For instance, the accuracy of these records is questionable, since it is possible that in the 1700's and 1800's records of flu outbreaks and sunspot activity were incomplete and not available in every country. Even with the aid of technology in recent years, recent records may not be reliable, since any data recorded by human beings are subject to error. In choosing the years with the worst flu epidemics, the author needs some way to decide which flu epidemic is worst than another - is this determined by the number of people who become affected by the disease, or determined by the severity of the symptoms of the disease? In any case, there could be many undocumented cases of even worse flu epidemics, especially those in poor countries where traceable medical records are unlikely. Only six points are analyzed, and may be too narrow to be widely representative. Without presenting more evidence about the accuracy of the data, the author cannot expect me to blindly accept their veracity.



Finally, the author relies on the line of reasoning that people at risk for the flu are the same people who would get the flu. However, the study provides no indication that these are the same groups of people - the statistics only consider people who have already developed the flu. He does not define the meaning of "prolonged" or indicate exactly how much exposure would put someone at risk of developing the flu. Therefore, to strengthen his line of reasoning, the author should define terms such as prolonged exposure more clearly.



In conclusion, the argument presented in the article of the newspaper is not completely sound. The evidence in support of the conclusion that people at risk of developing the flu should avoid exposure to the sun does little to prove that conclusion, does it does not address the assumptions raised above. As already mentioned, the argument could have been strengthened by establishing the causality between the flu and sunspot activity, demonstrating that more energy from the sun means more sun exposure, ascertain the accuracy of the medical records, and define certain terms more clearly. Until then, the speaker's recommendation cannot be justified.

bigduke
06-07-2005, 01:01 PM
ish, nice use of words there.
Although the essay seems fair, it fails to convey what you really feel about the subject line. I know this is very abstract topic but the essay assessors won't consider that. Second para doesn't even make any sense. After reading the whole essay one question comes to mind "Just how do you assert your beliefs over the topic".
Avoid being so definitive in the opening line of the intro, we're not here to drop bombs but to flood the user's senses gradually.
Pick another topic and give it another shot, you're capable of much more. Also, watch out for gramatical errors.

ish
06-07-2005, 01:13 PM
ish, nice use of words there.
Although the essay seems fair, it fails to convey what you really feel about the subject line. I know this is very abstract topic but the essay assessors won't consider that. Second para doesn't even make any sense. After reading the whole essay one question comes to mind "Just how do you assert your beliefs over the topic".
Avoid being so definitive in the opening line of the intro, we're not here to drop bombs but to flood the user's senses gradually.
Pick another topic and give it another shot, you're capable of much more. Also, watch out for gramatical errors.

Right. I shall work on it and post another one soon. I must admit,This has been an eyeopener for me.
Hope you are recovering well from your surgery. :)
This is my first argument.:luck2:

We need to institute a huge pulicity campaign for the launch of SunBeem's new improved formula. Without an enormous media blitz, including television, radio, internet, and magazine ads, potential new customers will not be aware of our product. and previous customers will not be aware that SunBeem's new, noncarcinogenic formula is on the shelves. The best way to combat the negative publicity SunBeem's old formula received is to fight fire with fire, by using the media's insatiable interest in any news about Sunbeem to sell the new formula. This will erase the negative connotations in the minds of former customers and will ensure that SunBeem is once again the best selling facial cleanser on the market.

The speaker for the company ackowledges the need for greater awareness of his product, "Sunbeem" and claims that the best means of increasing awareness is to launch an aggressive publicity campaign, using the full strength of the media. He also claims that the best way to counter the negative publicity that the product received earlier is to simply increase the consumer's interest in his product and thereby sell the new formula and ensure that the product once again becomes the best selling facial cleanser in the market.

By making such statements, the speaker assumes, firstly, that the consumer would not be aware of "Sunbeem" were it not for advertising campaigns. This is not true at all. Though advertising does help in increasing awareness about a product among the masses, to assume that a product will go unnoticed primarily because of a lack of advertising is taking that relationship too far. The speaker seems to be too reliant on advertisements, and this dependence is a double-edged sword for Sunbeem, especially as the speaker concedes that his product had received bad publicity in the past. If the public were bombarded with advertisements and hoardings about Sunbeem in the wake of the recent negative publicity, there is a very good chance that the consumer would automatically recall the negative publicity. Therefore, a huge publicity campaign is a rather heavy risk for the company to take,something that could turn out to be detrimental to the company.

Secondly, besides relying too heavily on the power of advertisements, the speaker states that the best way to fight bad publicity is "to fight fire with fire". The speaker does not make any explanation on how his product has been made better, and simply assumes that the public will buy his claim that Sunbeem has, indeed, improved. Consumers are more discerning than the speaker is willing to admit, and to assume that huge advertisement campaigns will restore the integrity of the brand is a complete mistake on the part of the speaker. Especially as Sunbeem is a brand that has once been damaged by negative reports, the only way of salvaging the product's place in the market is to come clean and to admit the mistake, and to elaborate, sincerly, on the recovery efforts undertaken by the company.

Another fallacious assumption I find in the statement is the author's belief that the media has an insatiable interest in Sunbeem. It is this "insatiable interest" that the speaker intends to use in order to further his own ends. however, I find the assumption totally unfounded, as there is no particular reason why the media should be more than cursorily interested in Sunbeem. To make such a statement seems only to emphasise the speaker's own feelings about his product, and not that of the media's.

In summary, the speaker assumes a lot many factors about his product that are completely baseless, and have been formed with a very narrow perspective in mind. The speaker does not once make a statement about the recovery efforts made by his company, and seems more interested in reaching his end, that is to increase publicity and thereby make his brand the top facial cleanser. The speaker completely disregards the many other factors that go into the creation of a top brand, underestimates the intelligence of the consumer greatly, and continues to look at the present problem with his own onesided view. Thus, I feel that unless the speaker corrects these mistakes in his views on improving the product, a mere advertising campaign will not help Sunbeem the way the speaker assumes it will.

bigduke
06-12-2005, 07:15 AM
Orangesun, omigosh, flawless, excellent presentation or ideas and great use of language flow.
I could give you a 6.0 for this but I'm an exacting assessor and I caught something in there, the flu is caused by virii ;), missed a point :D

Rating : 5.5

Watch out for punctuations though

aks1232001
06-15-2005, 11:28 AM
Hi Big Duke! here is my first serious essay! Wrote it exactly in 45 mins. Had No preparation before.


Individuals Vs Team


The 20th century heralded a new beginning in the history of the mankind. It saw Man unraveling the mysteries of the atom and at the same time conquering the cosmos. The plethora of problems which have plagued mankind for ages, have been solved in a little over a span of 100 years. Man found cures to diseases that were earlier incurable. He can now travel at the speed of sound, crossing the Atlantic now takes a few hours compared to the months that were spent in the past. The sky scrappers now touch the heavens. The various successes that have been achieved in the past 100 years have always been based on the vision of a few extraordinary individuals.



It is indeed true that though the importance of team work cannot be ignored in today’s world, it is usually the powerful ideas of a few individuals that change the world. It was a single person who changed the entire foundation of the world of Physics; Albert Einstein changed the way we look at our world. With his theory of relativity the laws that governed us have been rediscovered. It was due to his relentless dedication and passion that the present advancements in various branches of physics have been achieved. The world pf physics would be empty if not for contributions of people like Einstein, Newton, etc.

It was Bill Gates who single handedly brought a revolution in the world of computers. The revolutionary ideas starting from the development of the advances in Microprocessor technologies to the World Wide Web (or the internet) were generally the ideas of a single person. With the power of imagination and a passion for his work man has been able to cause unparalleled developments in various fields.



In the field of Arts a Van Goff or Da Vinci has been able to enchant the entire mankind with his works. The enigmatic smile of Mona Lisa still mesmerizes us. A monument like Taj Mahal which stands as a symbol of eternal love is due to the passionate love of a single man. In the world of fashion too, the ideas of a single person determine what is "In or out". A design by Gucci would be a style statement not only in France or United States but in fact the name would evoke a respect everywhere. It is their collections that decide the wardrobes of not just the Hollywood stars but also the most powerful leaders and rulers.

Indeed team work plays a part that cannot be ignored. Wonders like the Hubble Telescope cannot be built on the ideas a lone man, whether its the Taj Mahal or the Petronas towers in Malaysia, indeed the work of the team cannot be ignored, but in all the above cases it is a single man who has changed the direction of thinking of the entire humanity. It is they who have shown us a new direction to progress. Without the ideas of such people we would still be living in a world that would be not so different from the way the cave man lived.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx





Considering people say the no. words matter. I wrote abt 522 words. guys a fnd of mine read it n said i deserved a 5. but i felt may b i wrote the essay more out of passion trying to make it look good than bring out more logical points.. So plz tell to me how much i deserve!!!!



Well guys my gre is coming up soon. If i score well in it i will soon be starting a rival coaching thread :p (or rather il try n help u out Big Duke) wonderful Job.. thanx a lot!!!!!:tup:

kunal227
06-15-2005, 05:02 PM
hi i m posting my first argument please rate it and suggest the improvements ne1 is invited.

The following appeared in the editorial section of a newsmagazine.

"Some states are creating new laws that restrict the use of handheld cell phones by drivers of automobiles. Such legislation, however, is sheer folly. Although some people with cell phones undoubtedly cause problems on the road, including serious accidents, the majority do not. Besides, problems are also caused by drivers who are distracted by any number of other activities, from listening to the radio to disciplining children. Since there is no need to pass legislation restricting these and other such activities, it follows that there is no need to restrict people's freedom to use a device that they find convenient—or helpful in emergencies."

Discussion:

I think here the author has made a good amount of assumptions in taking a decision about an uninvestigated situation. There are some critical things that the author has overlooked in calling the legislations if any as completely unwanted. Now let us check those assumptions.

First of all the author has assumed that many states are creating new laws to discourage the use of handheld cell phones but he has not supported this statement with any kind of substantial data for e.g. names of the states and kind of law imposed. If the so called laws really exist do they restrict the drivers completely from using the cell phones? Say, ‘if a person has driving license then he/she cannot have a cell phone.’ Thus without any statistical evidence the author has called formulation of laws as “sheer folly”.

Secondly the author sounds very confident in saying that only a few people are causing problem while using the cell phones. Here again the missing thing is the statistics in form of say % of people using cell phones on road and causing problems and that too driving. It may be possible that pedestrians using the phones may be a large percentage of people not causing any accidents, whereas drivers are the ones who are making a real havoc by causing serious accidents. The author should mention data regarding this to support his confidence but has failed to do so.

Finally the author tries to give some weak support to his argument by drawing attention to other activities like listening to radio, disciplining children, etc. distracting the drivers. But here we can question the author whether he has made any kind of investigation that no laws exist for the same and can he present any evidence on it? Also, has he made any comparative study about the potential of the so called other activities with using the cell phones in distracting the drivers? Also is he sure enough that these activities are done by the drivers only and no else sitting in the automobiles say other parent as far as disciplining the child is concerned? Regarding emergency the driver can park his automobile and use the cell phone.

At the end I would say that the author has made a meager or no study on the situations arising on roads due use of cell phones by the people who are actually driving. He could have made his argument more strong by presenting some data for e.g. percentages regarding cell phones users classified into drivers and non-drivers on the road and the ones actually causing accidents, also data about the severity of laws imposed if any, etc. Thus looking at argument I did not find any strong point for considering the point stated by the author.

renascence
06-16-2005, 01:17 PM
hi
please rate

the material progress and well being of one country
are necessarily connected to the material progress and
well being of all other countries?

Though the well being of a country does depend on the well being of most other countries it would be imprudent to say that it is necessarily connected to the well being of all Countries.

Although on an individualistic level one can rise even in a non progressing environment but the concept can not be extended on to a national and global context.

The health of a nation is to a great extent dependent on the general health of the other countries, a nation can not expect to grow single handedly with the other nations in a state of decrepitude.

As the world stands today in this rapidly globalizing world, a country depends on a number of other nations for resources for its material well being and upkeep. These can only be provided at a healthy rate in terms of time and money if the supplier is in good shape. Say for example whole of this world depends on a handful of oil producing nation for its ever increasing demand for oil which is imperative for industrial growth of the nation. Now if there is political unrest (like in the case of Iraq) there is bound to be meteoric changes in the oil prices thus thwarting the growth plans of the developing nation.

Like on individual level a lot of importance is laid on peer group, since it affects the overall growth of the human being. Likewise a nation must be surrounded by progressive and healthy nations and not with anarchies, despots and economically sick nations. Such an environment acts like a terrorism magnet, attracting terrorists and other tyrants.

Certainly such an environment is not a boost to the nation but in fact is a depressant and tends to pull down the growing nation. The evils swamps of terrorism take a lot of time and resources to drain and would require sky rocketing defense budgets, money that could have been spent in the social and economic growth of the country. Clearly the material well being of a country is connected to the health of other countries.

It can be said with a fair amount of certainty tha the well being of a country does depend to a large extent to the well being of a large number of other countries but it would be incorrect to say that it is necessarily connected to the well being and material growth of all other countries..

Let me illustrate this with the example of the growth that China has seen in the recent decade. While African countries of Somalia, Libya have been seeing a collapse of political and social infrastructure. China on the contrary been greatly unaffected by this unrest and decrepitude and has seen some rapid improvement in the living standards of its subjects, their employment, education its national income have all gone up all collectively indicating its well being.



In conclusion the well being of a country does depend on the well being of most other countries but it would be imprudent to say that it is necessarily connected to the well being of all countries.

bigduke
06-17-2005, 02:45 PM
aks ... Is this even a GRE essay ? I rememebr getting a similar essay for TOEFL.

Nice intro there. The language is fine. Watch out for punctuations. The essay is replete with examples but lacks claims. The only claim I see is "a single man generates the idea and the world works on it". Also it doesn't sound convincing enough, its more like a literary essay than an analytical essay.

I might be harsh with the analysis, but then I can't fool you into thinking that this deserves a 5.0 :)

Rating : 3.0

aks1232001
06-17-2005, 04:43 PM
Thanx a lot big duke!!!

"its more like a literary essay than an analytical essay"

that was somethin what i was thinking of.. a few fnds were telling to me it sounded good but i had a feeling i was givingit a nice look but not enuf matter!!

thanx for the comments... i really needed them.. now i promise u one thing.. sometime soon il post another essay n that time im sure u'll say i deserve a 5 or 5.5 for that!!! :)

thanx!!!
really thanx for such a quick response :)
and more importantly such a useful response!!!

bigduke
06-18-2005, 02:59 PM
Aks, YAY! now thats the spirit :D

Kunal:

1. Identify the claims properly. "Which states" doesn't seem like a claim at all. The focus of the piece of writing is "banning cellphones for drivers is flawed".
2. Try not harping on a single flaw, i.e. stastical evidence.
3. Refrain from using symbols instead of words e.g. %
4. The idea behind these kinds of essays is to refute and suggest and not just refuting the claims mentioned. Present your own idea if you are against the author's idea.
5. The people being spoken about here are ONLY drivers, non-drivers are out of the question. grasp the context of the statements, remember, NO assumptions.
6. Use an exact term instead of "thing"
7. Avoid colloquial language "let us check those" instead a statement like "a careful analysis of his claims ensue"

kunal227
06-19-2005, 07:18 AM
Identify the claims properly. "Which states" doesn't seem like a claim at all. The focus of the piece of writing is "banning cellphones for drivers is flawed".

Please can u elaborate on this.



Try not harping on a single flaw, i.e. stastical evidence.

I find everywhere a lack of only a statistical data because here the author is talking of a law and for that the strongest evidence according to me can be only statistical data. Can you give me some more ideas?



The idea behind these kinds of essays is to refute and suggest and not just refuting the claims mentioned. Present your own idea if you are against the author's idea.

I have suggested some ideas that how the author can strengthen the claims , won’t that do?


The people being spoken about here are ONLY drivers, non-drivers are out of the question. grasp the context of the statements, remember, NO assumptions.

“Although some people with cell phones undoubtedly cause problems on the road,

including serious accidents, the majority do not.”

Pertaining to this statement I have written about the non drivers because here the author has not mentioned ne thing about the drivers.

bigduke
06-20-2005, 05:38 PM
renascence:
rating : 4.5
try working on the intro and knock in a couple more points. Also, the conclusion needs to be more solid, like hitting a gavel on the lectern.

kunal:
I'll get back to you on this mate :)

kunal227
06-21-2005, 06:09 AM
hi bigduke
i m posting an issue please rate fast. i have my exam on 22nd june.

Present perspective on the following issue.



"A school or college should pay its teachers at the same rate in all disciplines, regardless of differences in salaries for related fields in the world outside of school. For example, entry-level teachers in mathematics and in the arts should receive the same pay, even if outside of school, math specialists earn a much higher salary on average than do specialists in the arts."



The essay

The author asserts that equity should be maintained in the payment to the teachers by the schools and colleges. I support this assertion in spite of the arguments that outside the school there is discrimination between math specialist and an arts specialist. This is because the schools and colleges work for a different aim than the outside world which includes the private multinational companies. The author’s assertion can be supported in following paragraphs.



First and most important supportive argument is that the institutions in the outside world like the multinational private companies thrive for the sole purpose of making huge sums of profit and an individual of a field like mathematics who is useful in accomplishing this task is paid handsomely than the one in the arts field. But quite contrary to this the institutions like schools and colleges teach the students the theories fundamental to all the subjects and not a single subject is there where the natural aptitude of a student can be improved by the teacher. For example: Thomas Alva Edison did not have a formal schooling but he has the most number of patents in his name. So how much profitable a person will be in the outside world depends on the aptitude of the individual.



Secondly if the said discrimination based on the salary, is made between teachers of different subjects for example: mathematics and an arts teacher based on the preference made in the outside world then this preference might show itself in the liking of the subject by the students. This will outmode a particular, apparently less rewarding subject in the future. Besides this can cause strife between the different subject followers and can divide the nation into as many no of factions as subjects.



Finally the arts and similar other subjects which appeal to the human emotions and creation attitude are important from the social point of view. They instill in us qualities like fraternity, tolerance, etc. required to become responsible citizens of future and mould the future generation. Also only logical reasoning cannot help an individual to come up with new and fresh ideas but the ability of creative thinking can help him conquer big obstacles which logic can’t cross. This is actually happening in many contemporary private institutions i.e. employing artistic techniques for bringing out new ideas.



Thus the importance of the teachers in school for different subjects should in no way be evaluated in terms of rate of payment made to them. The ability to earn a livelihood by an individual in the outside world depends on his or her own aptitude and should in no way be correlated to the ability of the teachers teaching the subject.

bigduke
06-21-2005, 10:22 AM
Para 1 : DO NOT talk about the author in issue essays
Para 2 : Avoid colloquial English
Para 3: DO NOT use short hand notations
Para 5: repetition of "in no way" in consecutive statements

Watch your punctuations and sentence construction. Don't make the conclusion sound like one line of your belief, recapitulate the points in brief and intertwine them to make a cogent conclusion. By the time the reader reaches your concluding para, he/she should be convinced of your stand. Avoid spelling out your stand in the opening line of the intro, build towards it.

Intro example:
The world of knowledge today, moves at a pace faster than ever before. Much of this can be attributed to the people who have dediacted their lives towards their subjects and in spreading awareness about their findings. Such men and women are a great asset to the non-educational world, for the progress of the organization employing them depends a lot on how much and how fast these wizards can deliver. Awarding them based on their qualifications and performance would be more apt in such a competitive environment. However, I firmly believe that such renumerations in the world of education would lead to an unhealthy work culture where pay rate discrepancies would nurture ill will among fellow colleagues. The supreme aim of teachers is to impart education through the knowledge they have amassed over the years. Thus, regardless of the subject, considering their end goal to be the same, they should be paid equal rates. They may however be paid different rates based on experience and educational qualifications, which can be easily justified.

aks1232001
06-22-2005, 04:14 PM
Hi BigDuke!

here is my response to a topic i found on the preinceton review prep cd...
please read it.. n i really hope i didnt make same mistakes as i did last time.. im have a long post this time... after rading my response cud u plz answer a few of my questions at bottom??

duke i really feel if i find out how i have to do it.. i can do it... i mean i need the direction to move on.. i really wanna score high on my AWA.. n im looking forward to ur guidance... :)

----------------------------------------------------------
Science is meaningless without religion.




Of all the forms of life on Earth, Man is the only one has been on an eternal quest for knowledge; it is Science that has been able to quench his thirst for knowledge. It would be pert to remain dogmatic about our religious beliefs in this age of scientific advancements. Gone are the days when we used religion to explain the scientific phenomenon. Indeed, today science has a meaning of its own and is independent of religion.



In the middle ages, it was superstitions and religion that dominated our minds. The religious heads would have absolute power and we lived in a theocracy, In those days it was religion that was the tool that man had to find answers to the questions that puzzled him. If it was a plague or a drought he blamed it on the evil, we considered the Earth the centre of the solar system and Copernicus was punished to death when he dared to challenge the beliefs of the religious heads. Sorcery was another superstition to which we attributed our sufferings and many women who were doubted to be practicing sorcery were burnt to death.



With such beliefs on our minds we began our quest for knowledge. Soon we discovered that Science was better at making sense of things than religion. The various natural disasters like Earth Quakes, Typhoons etc now have a reason for their occurrence. The solar eclipse which was a mystery to us has become more of a celestial phenomenon than any sign of evil. This change is our Mindsets have brought about a complete change in our thinking. Science today has helped us in reaching to the "heavens", rocket technology now makes it possible to travel in space, great distances which were unimaginable in the past. With further advancements in Science we no longer use religion for solving the puzzles that we face.



With the help of the basic laws that we have formulated and a definite quest for knowledge we have solved the biggest of mysteries. If we would still stick to the superstitions of the past it would be impossible for us to move further. When we face a problem today, the best method to reach its solution would be by going about it in a scientific manner. Problems cannot be solved trying to use the principles that our religions teach.



In the field of medicine too, the very change in mindsets of people has brought about a revolution. It is no more a miracle today to have a "Open heart Surgery" or finding a vaccine for small pox. We cannot find cures for the illnesses like AIDS that plague us with the help of religion. The laws of the universe do not require any particular faith; a person irrespective of his religion will be able to see the beauty of the equations which drive our universe.



While we can attribute the development of mankind to science we cannot but acknowledge the role that religion has played in it. Many of the great scientists have always been devout followers and to them the equations that drive us are divine. Even research has found that people who pray more often are less prone to heart attacks, It might be a placebo but indeed it works, But today we don’t require religion to explain to us the various mysteries that surround us. Science has since long replaced its more mysterious cousin. Yet, we can use religion to teach us the difference between good and bad, on the moral grounds it is religion that we use as our crutches, but as far as science and knowledge go we don’t require religion, As a popular scientist put it (i paraphrase): " While I pray, I pray like success depends on my prayer, While I work I work as if it depends on my work".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
i really dont know how i wrote this time !! Big dude i think with respect to issue writing i have a few doubts... The first thing being.. do i need to mention or bring out some points just like we do in case of argument??

for the present topic given this is how i organised my response...

Para1: Intro with my opininon
para2: State of Science n religion in past.
para3: Present position
para4: State it wud be impossible to move ahead sticking to past superstitions
para5: medicine and religion
para6: talk the inverse.. i mean abt how religion thus help a lil... n then conclude by still stating that religion is independent...

now i thot this was th best way i cud write it.. i felt last time i didnt put in my philosophy over the subj n gave only a few examples.. this time i tried to bring in a lot more of various aspects...

plz check it out n give me a grade WHICH I DESERVE!!

also if u can do a favour... cud u plz type wat was the way u wud have written ur response to above topic... i mean not the entire issue.. but what were points u wud have put in each para...thats all

that wud b a very very good guidance for all us AWA tyros :0

thanx a lot!!!!!
Sorry to bug u!!!
N hey hope u r feeling better now.. just read abt ur Op... hope ur rocking man!:tup:
bye

danislava
06-22-2005, 09:47 PM
BigDuke,
I read through several of the essays and your comments. You seem to be an excelent evaluator, and I would appreciate it if you could tell me where I stand. Thanks in advance.


"Money spent on research is almost always a good investment, even when the results of that research are controversial."

A myriad of people opposes the funding of research which bears controversial results. As taxpayers, people should certainly have a voice in deciding upon the allocation of their money; yet these persons should think again before condemning research they deem unworthy. Results that seem controversial at first may help humanity in the long run.

Society is seldom aware of the long-term consequences of recently published, controversial research. The seemingly negative applications of an innovation may in fact turn to be useful to a society. A prime example is the exploration of atomic energy. Perhaps the most controversial product of scientific research, the atom bomb horrified the world when dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The public exploded against the controversial research that brought about this new creation. Nonetheless, as devastating as the atom bomb was to Japan, its research also brought about the use of atomic energy in our daily lives. After all, numerous nations have become dependent on atomic energy as their cardinal source of energy--a positive effect of what was at first controversial research.

What is more, society should not support research that brings about solely predictable and applicable results. That is, results from scientific research that solely contribute to the vast pool of knowledge and do not have any immediate real-life applications should not be condemned or denied funding. Such research results may be controversial and seem as a mere waist of money; however, its results may prove useful in later studies or inspire research that brings about results which better human life. After all, how many groundbreaking innovations were made overnight without relying on any previous research that once seemed unuseful and thus controversial? As a rule, science relies on knowledge that has been amassed for centuries.

To summarize, research is a good investment of taxpayers' money even when it seems controversial. As the long-term implications of any scientific study are not clear right away, people cannot adequately judge the significance of research. Thus societies should continue funding research even when it seems controversial--its fruitfulness may one day be recognized.

kunal227
06-23-2005, 05:25 AM
hi all,
i have taken the gre exam i got 790/800 in quant and 650/800 in verbal. the official scoresheet will come after sometime.

bigduke
06-23-2005, 06:15 AM
Awesome score Kunal :D

How did the AWA section go ?

renascence
06-23-2005, 03:48 PM
thanks big duke i'll work on it
renascence

Blase
06-24-2005, 02:04 AM
Hello there,

This is my first attempt at issue. Appreciate your comments:

"Success in any realm of life comes more often from taking chances or risks than from careful and cautious planning"

The issue of success being lead frequently by chance than having performed due diligence, is very much an issue of the psyche of an individual or group. Whilst it is important to carefully plan a course and manage risks, it must ultimately lead to a point of execution whereby dangers and pitfalls are unforseen and left to the skills and intellect of the individual or group. In general, succesful risk takers are people who have done a lot of background work, take calculated risks and grab opportunities in order to execute their plans, without which it would not have been effected in the first place.

Quite often, we learn through direct experience; to merely accept a theory without experiencing is knowledge gained in vain. To quote an author, "If I made a hundred mistakes, I would have learned a hundred and one things. If I had it right the first time, I would have learned only one thing." Only through mistakes can there be discovery and progress. For example, the dotcom bubble burst and left many entrepreneurs reeling in its wake. But the bubble burst is an economic accident, it does not reflect the value of good ideas resulting from the dotcom companies that are wiped-out or lay buried at the bottom of the heap. Dotcom failures have shown its entrepreneurs to rebound from the late nineties with great resolve to start all over with better management and better ideas. With an improved hindsight from the world's economy, these dotcom companies can focus on delivering "tangible" products that would not have resulted had they not taken risks in their ideas and beliefs !
of shaping the information technology.

Much often the information that people assume is factual actually turns out to be inaccurate. Hence, too much care and caution in planning could inadvertently lead to a perception of "fact". It narrows the mind and inhibits physical exploration. To illustrate, a civil engineer has to make a decision between vacating workers from a construction site with borelog data placed on him or her that the soil conditions are good and that the buttresses can support these soils. Yet, he or she observes that the buttresses are failing and the soils are seeping through. The engineer cannot take risks because lives are at stake; he or she must therefore risk termination or face a severe rebuke for the loss of manhours or his professional career. Decisions are sometimes obvious from observation, of seeing what is on the ground, and information however received should be juxtaposed by direct experience gained from it.

And finally, challenging the limits of humanity and seeking new discoveries and awareness did not come about without exploration and a spirit of adventure.
Furthermore, they have provided data and new frameworks for theories and scholarly works. Charles Darwin set sail on the Beagle and gave the world a new theory to explain, though not uncontroversial, the biological workings around and within us. Edmund Hillary, the adventurer, promoted awareness in acute mountain sickness, better known as altitude sickness. As a result, clinics, sponsored by an international body, are located at base camps in the Himalayan range to study its effects and help save lives of many Nepalese porters who cannot afford treatments. Paths are paved by explorers such as Roald Amundsen (Norwegian) and Robert Peary (American); their endurance and courage have led many to explore the polar regions: north and south poles. With the pioneering spirits of these men, we observed and extended the limits!
of human endurance to extreme cold and introduced developments of technology to withstand harsh weather conditions.

In conclusion, what these considerations suggest are, for any dream, big or small, to become a reality, we should not be hindered by careful and cautious planning alone because it places on us the limits of our hindsights and prejudices our judgements with conventional ways of practices and thinking. In doing so, we take in our strengths, know our limitations, stretch it by careful background work and take a chance!

bigduke
06-25-2005, 09:14 AM
Dani:
Watch out for spelling and grammatical mistakes. They might not count so much but definitely makes an impression. Try to add more claims and length to the essay.

Remember the para format:
CLAIM STATEMENT
SUPPORTING FACTS / ANECDOTES / HYPOTHETICAL EXAMPLES
Rating : 3.5

Blase, nice job. Just watch out for punctuations. Also, you started pretty well but lost sight a little in the 3rd para. I understand that it sounds related but does not really seem to be a claim. Make claims rather than just supplying examples to reiterate what has been mentioned in the issue statement. The aim of this essay is to explain "WHY do i agree / disagree" with the statement and not merely whether or not you agree/disagree.

Rating : 4.5 (It might hurt, but better reserved than overboard)

Go through the barrons' chapters on essay writing.

Blase
06-25-2005, 10:05 AM
Thanks, BigDuke. I agree and shall do my best in my next attempt.

nut77
06-27-2005, 05:21 PM
Hi,this is my second argument, I would appreciate if you rate and comment.




3。The following appeared in a newspaper article about law firms in the city of Megalopolis.

"In Megalopolis, the number of law school graduates who went to work for large, corporate firms declined by 15 percent over the last three years, whereas an increasing number of graduates took jobs at small, general practice firms. Even though large firms usually offer much higher salaries, law school graduates are choosing to work for the smaller firms most likely because they experience greater job satisfaction at smaller firms. In a survey of first-year students at a leading law school, most agreed with the statement that earning a high salary was less important to them than job satisfaction. This finding suggests that the large, corporate firms of Megalopolis will need to offer graduates more benefits and incentives and reduce the number of hours they must work."





In this newspaper article about law firms in the city of Megalopolis, the arguer conclude that the large, corporate firms of Magalopolis should offer more benefits and incentives and reduce the number of hours they must work in order to attract new graduates. To support his claim the arguer points out that a survey of first year students shows the job satisfaction is more important than higher salary. At first glance, this argument seems very specific and convincing. A careful examination of it, however, would reveal how groundless it is.


In the first place, the arguer assumes ungrounded that the decline of the number of law school graduates is due to the selective of the graduates themselves. Without the detail information about the large company and the students, how can the author draw a conclusion that it is the students themselves that do not like to choose the large company. It is completely possible that A large firm may have more stable constitution of employees and it does not need to enroll graduates every year. Also, it is long known that big firms have strict enrolling strict criteria than small ones, which prevent the inexperienced graduates entering. Smaller companies , while in a levitating state, may be much more flexible in recruiting with lower standards. Then those students who can not enter into the big firms come to the smaller ones, while it is not because that they dissatisfied with the big firms’ .



In the second place, what is weakened this statement is that the survey offered above of first year students at a leading law school. Though these first-year students hold that earning a high salary was not important than job satisfaction, it is also remind me that there are some problems in this survey. First, the students in a leading school may be have more opportunities in finding jobs than those of general schools, therefore they do not care much about job-hunting and give their responses . So may be the answers of these students can not show the real condition of job market for all of students. Second, the author neglects the gaps between freshmen and graduates.Those who have experienced college life will see the changes happening on themselves, which turn them to be more rational from the original green state. So the support for the job satisfactory over high salaries might not be the crucial reason when graduates made their choices. Then we cannot draw such a conclusion that job satisfaction is more important for those graduates only from this survey on first year leading school students.



Given that the that 15 drop in entering large firms due to the students who would rather select small firms than big ones and that survey can explain what is the real need for graduates. The conclusion that M should offer more benefits and incentives and reduce the number of hours they must work is still problematic.What is the job satisfaction and what does that include? Except the benefits and working hours referred by the author , I think there are some other meanings, such as high salary, opportunities of developing, environment of work place, good relationship with coworkers and the like. Then does that recommendation only involved benefits and working hours really work in attracting much more students? I think it is no use .



Overall, the argument is not well reasoning and lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis dose not lead to strong support to what the arguer maintains. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer would have to provide more evidence to prove the drop in graduates entering large firms due to the students proclivity not other reasons and the job satisfaction is the most reason regarded by the graduates not first year students.

rajesh2006
06-28-2005, 04:04 AM
Hi guys! this is my first ever essay! plz kindly pass on ur comments!!
im new to the forums, so i hope im posting at the right place. if not do inform me :p

and i hope i read the topic right!!! cant believe someone is ready to score essay! thanks BigDuke! keep up the job :tup:

n heres my essay::


Only once one has known real sadness can one feel true happiness.

Many philosophers would call life as an amalgamation of happiness and sadness, to their eyes both happiness and sadness have the same value and are indiscernible. Humans have always been on a quest to classify things into "Good" or "Bad", but the fact is that the conditions we use to classify things as happiness or a sadness are very much relative, thus in order to appreciate and feel true happiness one has to know true sadness.

If for example we take the case of two students, one who has always scored an A in his exams and another who always struggles to get a C. In a difficult test the student who always scores well would be very disappointed with a B grade, he cannot appreciate the value that a B holds because he has got accustomed to getting A's. On the other hand the student who is indeed poor in studies would appreciate the same B much more, as he realizes the difficulty and effort that he had to put in for the grade he achieved. It would be impossible to define happiness without knowing what sadness is.

The present generation takes its freedom and rights for granted, it is only if it would have experienced the pain and agony that our founding forefathers had to go through in order to fulfill the dream of a free America, that it would realize the precious gift they are enjoying. No human can cherish happiness if he doesn’t know what sadness means. Many philosophers would state that it is sadness and sorrows that made them grow beyond the human bondages and reach divinity. How can any person enjoy a cloyingly sweet life? Would so much of happiness make a person really "Happy" at the end? it is only when he has experienced sorrows that he would cherish his happiness.

When Thomas Edison began his work on the electric bulb, it took him hundreds of failed attempts before he could create a functional bulb. Did he say he had failed hundreds of times before succeeding? No. He said that he treated each of his attempts as a method to find out how to not go about his work. He cherished the sorrows and the defeats and indeed it was that experience which made him succeed and finally brought him success. Sorrows are the steps of a ladder that each person must climb over, in order to achieve and cherish true happiness.

I would like to cite the example of a friend, who was diagnosed with Blood Cancer (leukemia) in its most advanced stages a few years ago. In the days prior to his "sadness" he used to spend most of his time without any regard for what he was doing in his life. For him what ever he had was something that could never leave him. The happiness he felt was eternal, but after his diagnosis he changed. He said that he learnt the true value of life, only after he felt he was about to lose it. It was during the period of that sorrows that he started to cherish each and everyday of his life. He has been working for the past one year trying to bring smiles on the faces of people he feels are less "privileged" than him. It was only after the sorrows of those days that he has today truly realized the purpose of human life.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I cherish each and every sorrow and joy that I have experienced till now. It is only with them that i have truly understood what ever I have learnt till now. No person will ever be able to feel and appreciated happiness without ever going though sorrows. To feel the beauty of an oasis, one has to experience the desert.

bigduke
06-28-2005, 11:44 AM
nut:

please work on you language and sentence construction. Even if you have the most valid points you won't get a gooc score without proper command over the language.
Build the intro gradually rather than outrightly declaring the claims as flawed.
When referring to identifiable names by acronyms, make sure you provide a legend somewhere in your writing.
"Think" is not a word we use in argument essays, your job is to simply identify claims, refute them and suggest counter-measures. No one is interested in what you "think". Put it down in a way such that it sounds like a definitive statement.

eg. Although the author speaks of job satisfaction, he does not go into the details of what this term entails. There are various factors that contribute towards job satisfaction. Moreover, having taken an opinion from freshmen at just one law school cannot be taken as an opinion of the majority. Furthermore, freshmen know little about the scenario after their education and they possess little knowledge about work culture. The information is based mostly on what they hear from people. Such opinions are most likely to change along the course of their education. Thus, freshmen at just one school are not the best choice for an opinion poll. Had the author carried out atleast a state-wide poll and included law students from the senior years and also professionals in the field, his claim might have been buttressed better.

Very well written rajesh. rating 5.0. Try to keep the conclusion impersonal and watch out for grammatical mistakes. I love the intro.

jimmie
06-28-2005, 02:12 PM
Hi, this is another issue I wrote.
I would appreciate if you have the time to review and comment it.

Issue6
"The most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth."


The youth are always considered to be the most energetic group of a society. They are full of creativity and able to learn from previrous generation for the future. Thus, they are always regared as the representive of contemporary culture. And to understand what the main stream value is in a certain culture, the most effective way is to analyze the trends of its youth.



The youth are more adpative to the changing society as they are more eager to know new things and better prepared with knowledges and skills to perceive what they see and hear. Technology development has made dazzling success that a lot of new ideas grow. The youth are more likely to understand and accept the changes that new techology brings about to the society as they have the necessary background knowledge and experiences. For example, many older adult feel it is a waste of time to be online everyday and they come across a lot of problems when using computers working online. However, the youth find it quite useful and effective to do things on the internet. They adopt new ways of business like E-commerce, new ways of personal communication like instant message and E-mail, new ways of gaining knowledge like digital library and search engine. All this are surely the new trends of contemporary culture based on widely computer and network usage.



The youth are also better prepared for the future. As we all know, in the western countries the previous generation is suffered from the negative effects of cold war, which is an obstacle of international trade and cooperation. The older adults have already got their own interests. To some extent, they are afraid that their propery will be deprived in the competition of world market. On the controrary, the youth generation are educated that coopertaion can bring a greater success and benefit both sides. They are more likely to accept the new trend of cooperation in the global market. Moreover, the globalization will bring new culture values to the society. It is the youth who commit the globalization that are better prepared to face the new values and impart them into their own contemporary culture.



Also, the most active division of a society is the youth. What they like and how they perceive the surroundings will be fast proliferated all over the country. The new movies, TV shows, pop songs are all produced for the youth. And it is the vast majority of the youth that supports the entertainment industry and make the creation of large profit possible.



To sum up, the youth play an important sole as the representive of contemporacy culture. They have the newest knowledge and skills, which makes them adaptable to the new technology development. They have received the culture values from the previous generation and then better prepared the new trend that globalization may bring about. All these lead to the conclusion that the most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth.

nut77
06-28-2005, 06:59 PM
Thanks for your help,bigduke!
Your recommedation is incisive. I will pay attention to what you have said next!
Thanks again !

danislava
06-28-2005, 07:46 PM
BigDuke,

Thanks for your reply and comments. I will take them into consideration. :)

samy_dg
07-02-2005, 06:33 AM
Please rate the following and comment on my errors:



"Money spent on research is almost always a good investment, even when the results of that research are controversial."





The justification of the author’s claim depends on how we define and assess the goal of scientific research. In order to arrive at a conclusion, it is necessary to reflect upon the practical and ideal aspects of research, and any academic pursuit for that matter.



Any scientific study can be broadly classified in two groups. The aim of one is to bring knowledge of the unknown; to find logical explanations of observed natural phenomenon; and thus find answers to the questions that have puzzled mankind since prehistoric times. The aim of the other is to use theoretical knowledge acquired henceforth for practical purpose, to improve man’s security, standard of living etc. The first type of studies would include Mathematics, Theoretical Physics, Bio-sciences, and Astrophysics. The social sciences are also typical branches that belong to this category; where the aim is to interpret human behavour and the structure of the society. The second group includes all technical and engineering branches, computer sciences and the medical researches.



In case of the first kind, the result of the study is ideally knowledge itself, in its pure form. But controversy arises when this knowledge is used by some people to influence mass opinion wrongly for their own purpose. There are several examples where politicians have funded certain research or survey to acquire data that are potentially dangerous and sufficient to infuriate entire populations. The recent archeological studies carried out at Ayodhya, India to find whether there was the remains of a temple beneath the Babri Mosque is one such example, where the sole goal of the study was to create mass hysteria among Hindus that could have eventually lead to carnage ans riots. Although knowledge provides us with power, politically motivated studies like these are regrettable, and people should be more responsible and think about the outcomes before giving financial support to such studies.



There are, again, plenty of examples where millions of dollars have been spent for reseaches, the results of which are later used coveniently by industrial powers. Everyday we come across studies which insist that a certain brand of soft drink is injurious to health, or a particular electronic gadget causes cancer; or that a popular brand of ice-cream is less well-preserved than others. The methods in which these surveys are carried out are in many cases unscientific, and the results very much doubtful; and the only effect they have is on the decline or rise in the sales of certain products.



The controversy involved with the second category, viz. the technical inventions is, however, much more pronounced than the above.Perhaps no money has been spent in any other scientific study as in the field of defence. It is true that a nation should invest to improve its weapons in order to ensure the security and sovereignity of its citizens; but at the same time, production of weapons of mass destruction can never be supported. Nuclear power has a lot of benevolent applications, but unfortunately man has used it mostly to create Hydrogen and Plutonium Bombs. Wastage of billions for making Biological Weapons is equally condemnable, especially when we can never forget that half of the earth’s entire population live in abject penury, and have to struggle to earn a complete meal. If the same money spent in designing some wicked device that would help man in mutilating whole civilizations was spent on the improvement of the standards of living of the poor, alleviate their daily woes by building hospitals, distributing free medicine and providing shelter; our planet would have become a better place to live in.





It is evident from the above discussion, that although the author’s proposal appears to be an ideal one, it can never be justified if we consider the irresponsible researches deviced only to alter mass opinion or to create arms that might someday obliterate mankind itself. Money spent in research is not a good investment in many situtations, and when the results are controversial, patrons must be wise, responsible and careful to ensure that the results would not, in any way, disturb the pristine human right to live freely.




Thanking you in advance, Sam.:)

bigduke
07-02-2005, 04:08 PM
"The most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth."

The youth are always considered to be the most energetic group of a society. They are full of creativity and able to learn from previrous generation for the future. Thus, they are always regared as the representive of contemporary culture. And to understand what the main stream value is in a certain culture, the most effective way is to analyze the trends of its youth.
Comments : Could make it more appealing by a contextual text rather than a reiterated set of redundant sentences.

The youth are more adpative to the changing society as they are more eager to know new things and better prepared with knowledges and skills to perceive what they see and hear. Technology development has made dazzling success that a lot of new ideas grow. The youth are more likely to understand and accept the changes that new techology brings about to the society as they have the necessary background knowledge and experiences. For example, many older adult (elders) feel it is a waste of time to be online everyday and they come across a lot of problems when using computers working online. However, the youth find it quite useful and effective to do things on the internet. They adopt new ways of business like E-commerce, new ways of personal communication like instant message and E-mail, new ways of gaining knowledge like digital library and search engine. All this are surely the new trends of contemporary culture based on widely computer and network usage.
Comment : Using technology as the only means of illustration is not advisable, support your claim in a mor generic way

The youth are also better prepared for the future (how does this fit as a claim for the youth as a representation of today's society?). As we all know, in the western countries the previous generation is suffered from the negative (has suffered from the detrimental) effects of cold war, which is an obstacle of international trade and cooperation. The older adults have already got their own interests. To some extent, they are afraid that their propery will be deprived in the competition of world market. On the controrary, the youth generation are educated that coopertaion can bring a greater success and benefit both sides. They are more likely to accept the new trend of cooperation in the global market. Moreover, the globalization will bring new culture values to the society. It is the youth who commit the globalization that are better prepared to face the new values and impart them into their own contemporary culture.

Also, the most active division of a society is the youth (repetition of first line of the essay) . What they like and how they perceive the surroundings will be fast proliferated all over the country. The new movies, TV shows, pop songs are all produced for the youth. And it is the vast majority of the youth that supports the entertainment industry and make the creation of large profit possible.

To sum up, the youth play an important sole as the representive of contemporacy culture. They have the newest knowledge and skills, which makes them adaptable to the new technology development. They have received the culture values from the previous generation and then better prepared the new trend that globalization may bring about. All these lead to the conclusion that the most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth.

Rating : 3.0

You need to work very hard in getting the gist of the essay right.
Kindly refer to the barrons' chapters on essay writing.

rajesh2006
07-03-2005, 01:12 PM
Hi Bigduke!!

i was going through all the various essays posted before me and the response u gave them... i tried to make changes what ever possible to try n match up to the standards that u have advised... i have my exam coming up in the next couple of days... here are my last essays... there are from powerprep test 2.. cud u plz rate the essays for me plz!

hope i didnt well..

"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."

The unparalleled change which the twentieth century has brought about in our lives has lead to the world becoming a smaller place. Man through his efforts, has brought about revolutionary changes in the fields of science and technology, the electric bulb lights up our nights, the space shuttles makes us reach up for the stars. In the field of communications too, with the advent of telephone, internet, television etc we are never far away from the people we care for, yet we find ourselves a little lonely, it isn’t really because of the way we have put to use these technologies but solely due to the way we have decided to live our lives.

In the past it would takes months for us to convey a message to our loved ones. Letters were the sole means of communication at hand. With the arrival of the internet, the way we communicate has seen an unprecedented change. With an Email the message we intend to send takes a couple of seconds to reach its destination. No matter how far apart, with an instant messaging or video conferencing people can chat with each other anytime.

It is now possible to see what is going on the other part of the earth sitting right at home with the help of TV. Television has become the fastest source for us to grab the latest news, from New York to a remote village in Africa; we can watch the incidents as they unfold. The phenomenon only seems to be increasing, by combining the features of both the Television and Internet; very soon we will have smart programs where we can choose what we want to see.

The telephone now makes it possible to talk to anyone at any time. It takes nothing more than a few seconds to call a person and speak to him. There has been a constant decline in the call rates making them still more affordable. The change in communication has lead to us only getting closer to our loved ones. No matter how far, we can send them a message in a few seconds.

Air travel and other fast modes of travel such the railways have made to possible to move from one corner of the Earth to the other in a little over a few hours. To travel across the Atlantic it takes a few hours compared to the months that had to be spent in the past, traveling aboard ships. With still faster means of transport being explored, the barriers of distance will soon be removed.

If its the either internet or Air travel, they have only helped to remove the loneliness that was experienced in the past, then why is it that we find ourselves away from others? It is not these technological tools that have made humanity feel lonely; in fact it is we ourselves who have made things worse. The hectic live style that people live has left them very little time for themselves. With nearing deadlines and increasing burdens, it has become a "problem" to utilize the tools we have at our disposal. While it takes a few seconds to make a call or write a mail, yet we find time as a limited commodity.

Indeed it is the "fast" lives that we live that have made us lonely and not the technological developments of the past century. The increasing loneliness can be eradicated the day we realize the true importance of time, we cannot blame the tools that solve our problems just because we feel we don’t have time to use them.

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Six months ago the region of Forestville increased the speed limit for vehicles traveling on the region's highways by ten miles per hour. Since that change took effect, the number of automobile accidents in that region has increased by 15 percent. But the speed limit in Elmsford, a region neighboring Forestville, remained unchanged, and automobile accidents declined slightly during the same six-month period. Therefore, if the citizens of Forestville want to reduce the number of automobile accidents on the region's highways, they should campaign to reduce Forestville's speed limit to what it was before the increase.

In the current argument the cause of increase in accidents on the highways in the region of Forestville is being discussed. The argument attributes the increase in the rate of accidents in Forestville to the increase in the speed limit by ten miles per hour. The argument though appearing to be valid is filled with many inconsistencies that come to light once a closer observation is made at the case in hand.

The first major fallacy is that, the argument assumes that the driver drives at the legally specified speed limits only. It might be true that most drivers obey the traffic regulations but the major cause of accidents could be the ones who openly flout the rules. Even if the proposed decrease in speed limit is takes place, there might be no improvement in the situation unless we have people driving at specified limits. The rules have to be followed by one and all, for any form of improvement to take place.

No details are provided regarding the cause of accidents. While speeding can be a cause, the majority of accidents might have been caused due to various other reasons. One of them can be driving after taking alcohol, no matter by how much the speed limit is brought down, unless we keep a check on this problem no results can be obtained.

The argument compares the regions of Forestville and Elmsford in order to reach to its conclusion. The comparison will not be valid unless the situations in the two regions are compared. The size of the populations must be taken into account. The comparison might not yield any results unless the two regions are comparable in terms of size and lifestyles of the people. Elmsford might be a suburban region where there might be very little number of cars or private vehicles, and thus there might not be any change in accidents in spite of an increase or decrease. How can we compare an urban region with a rural one? We need more information in order to reach to any conclusions. Unless the population density is known it wouldn’t be wise to make any comparisons.

The argument makes a few casual observations and reaches a conclusion that really makes no sense. We cannot decide the changes in speed limit unless more data is obtained. It wouldn’t be wise to compare two regions while having no information about their individual cases. The argument is specious and further analysis has to be made before reaching any valid conclusions.

bigduke
07-04-2005, 06:48 AM
rajesh:

This is again a literary essay, where are the claims? Watch your grammar too.

As for the second essay, not bad at all, rating : 4.5. You can still do better that this.

Samy:

Mate the same thing applied to you too, claims claims claims ? This is not an essay for the CBSE English exam. Please go back and read about them from Barrons.
NEVER use 'author' in issue essays ...

samy_dg
07-04-2005, 07:32 AM
Thanks bigduke! Guess I go back to Barrons'!

rajesh2006
07-04-2005, 08:45 AM
Thanx A lot big duke!
i hope u meant 4.5 for both my essays together :P

i will try n work out.. have my exam on 7th of this month!!!
hopefully i can improve myself further!

hey bigduke.. i actually wanted to discuss a few ideas with u...

in the gre issues how do u think would it be, if i would questions to the reader...

i mean something like: if x is good, then why is it that people call y bad?

also some innovative ways to compare stuff.. eg.. the media is like a mirror, but unlike that ones that hang to our walls, the media shows us what we want and not the truth..

whats ur opinion on those kinda stuff??
any suggestions?
thanx :)

jimmie
07-04-2005, 03:48 PM
Thanks a lot for your critism.
I'll definitely take them into account and try my best to make it better. 555

btw, what does "Barrons" refer ?

samy_dg
07-05-2005, 06:48 AM
In order to reduce costs, we should close some of our existing small assembly plants and build a large central plant. Grandview would be an ideal location for this new plant. First, of the locations that we have considered, Grandview has the largest adult population, so that we will be able to staff our plant quickly and easily. Second, since the average wage earned by workers in Grandview is less than that in the other locations, we should be able to keep production costs low. Last, as an inducement for us to build there, Grandview's town council has offered to allow us to operate for the first three years without paying city taxes.



The author concludes that Grandview should be selected as the location of a large central plant for the company. To justify his claim, he states that Grandview would provide the necessary work force easily since it has the largest adult population of all the locations considered; and as the average wage earned by workers is comparatively lower in Grandview, the production cost would be low. The fact that the town council there has offered them exemption from city taxes for the first three years is also mentioned by the author to strengthen his claim. However, a close scrutiny of the circumstances reveal that the reasons stated in the argument are not convincing enough and the conclusion is drawn prematurely.



The most important advantage, according to the author, is the easy availability of employees at Grandview. But the presence of a large number of adults do not ensure that all of them would be eager to take up a job at the company concerned. If most of them are employed at places where they are paid well, and they are satisfied with their current positions, they would not be too willing to change. And even if there are people in want of jobs, there is no guarantee that they are sufficiently qualified for the work that this company offers.



The average wage might be low in Grandview, but then again, we do not know whether the current jobs are similar to those offered by the company in question. It may happen, that the latter jobs are much more demanding and tiresome, and so, employees would ask for a higher salary. Again, the production cost does not depend only on the wages, it also depends on transportation costs, availability of resources, cost of electricity etc; and without a consideration of these costs, it is unwise to predict lower production costs.



Though the town council has offered an exemption from city taxes for the first three years, the terms and conditions of that offer has not been mentioned; therefore there is a probability that the council might have planned to take hidden charges in the form of revenue other than city taxes. Moreover, the offer of exemption is only for three years, and we do not know if the council would demand taxes at high rates once that stipulated period is over.



Besides the major flaws above stated, the argument also suffers from other minor problems. For example, closing of some of the smaller existing assembly plants is unjustified, especially if these are making good production at present. Again, while making the choice of location, the author does not take into account the distance from raw material sources, cost of energy, distance from marketing outlets and other such aspects which might well have been instrumental in cost-reduction. Thus, evidently, the argument is weakly asserted; with vague reasoning and incomplete interpretations. The author’s contention could have been stronger had he used concrete examples and a more realistic assessment of related issues, while trying to bolster his argument.

astral glow
07-06-2005, 09:09 AM
Hi Bigduke..
this is my first one...please let me know how to improve...thanks a lot

"Only by being forced to defend an idea against the doubts and contrasting views of others does one really discover the value of that idea."

Humans are not infallible. Everyone makes mistakes and errors ,deliberately or unwittingly, do happen. Sometimes they might be the result of one’s deficiency of in-depth knowledge of a particular issue or because he’s too unscrupulous to concern himself about its effects on others or plainly because, he just did not give much thought to it. In either case, the society is going to have to demand him to explain the reasons for the stance he takes. The idea when debated upon, argued, reasoned out by analytical unbiased minds with objectivity will undoubtedly lead to a better enlightenment to everyone concerned.

This is one of the underlying reasons for which debates and forum discussions take place. Even in primary education, the academic board feels its necessary to include such activities. A person is conditioned by his culture, his milieu. His surroundings would have influenced him and his thoughts, would have caused him to take a particular stance on a topic.According to him, he might be justified in doing so and he would probably have no qualms about it. However, an individual’s conviction alone is not, in most case,enough. Instead ,people from different starta of life and different political, social backgrounds must be able to approve of the reasoning behind such an idea. A philistine society where everyone has a dogmatic mind too narrow to even acknowledge, that another idea might exist will lead to no social or economic improvement.

For instance, the laws enacted by the legislative body f my country, sometimes, even though they might have justifiable intent, the final act as it affects the people has had not-so-appreciable consequences. Hence, the media, a major safeguard of any democratic nation, brings the issue to the general awareness of the public, gauges the opinons and sentiments of the public regarding the issue. if the motives behind or the consequences of such a legislation are questionablei, the politicians are forced to justify their stance through public forums, debates etc where a free flow of ideas, exchange of thoughts and views take place.

By being forced to debate on the topic, by having to provide valid reasons and causes for doing so, the politicians cant ignore the sentiments of a common man.The bueurocrat has to provide substantial evidence to suppose his thesis.In the process, he might realize his mistakes, the fallacy behind his reasoning , alternately, he might be able to convince the public abou the the efficacy of such an act and might be able to remove their misunderstanding and reservations about it.

Hence,I reiterate that only when a person is forced to justify his reasons for doing an act, and when starts feeling that the acknowledgement of the intellectual society is important, a better understanding can be attained.

bigduke
07-06-2005, 06:40 PM
Samy, wery well done! I see a LOT of improvement :D that one qualifies as a 5.5 essay. Keep it going.

Astral, good attempt overall for a first timer. Watch for spelling mistakes, I see a lot of them. Try not being gender biasedm your opening para talks with reference to the male gender. Improve on your claims and language. Use of more complex sentences would be great. The conclusion could be made better by recapitulating your claims, careful about the language though, be sure not to repeat the same line over again.

astral glow
07-07-2005, 03:47 AM
hi bigduke
thanks a lot
ill improve on the points u mentioned!

astral glow
07-08-2005, 06:16 AM
hey bigduke...
can u pls rate this detailedly..
thanks
"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."
The claim that the development of civilization with its innumerable gadgets and amenities has, instead of improving the lives of the people it is supposed to aid, ironically, robbed it of its joy and created a sense of isolation is flawed. My contention is that the statement is unwarranted and that on the contrary, the development of technological tools and its applications have only brought people much close together than ever before.
Indeed, the mammothian improvements made in the field of science, engineering, medicine, arts - to name a few have revolutionized the lives of people throughout the world irrespective of the strata they belong to, irrespective of their economic, social andd political backgrounds.Life has, in short, become more comfortable.
Like the Nokia commercial proclaims we can now stay "Stay Connected". Mobiles and cellular telephony, for insance have revolutionised our lives. People are able to keep in touch with their kith and kin who live far away, through their mobiles and telephones, sharing their news of joy to celebrate together and their tribulations to commiserate together. Even when an individual gets stranded in a strange place, its his mobile that comes to his rescue.This small gadget, one of the many important fruits of science, is but only a minisule example, of the ways the rapid strides in science affects our lives.
The most critical dimension of this issue is, however, to realise the real connotation of "loneliness" in the statement. Loneliness is, undoubtledly, a scourge. Absence of peers and friends to share both your happiness and sorrow with, the absence of like-minded and intellectually compatible people to discuss, reason, and argue about issues close to one's heart, can in most cases, make people feel desolate and languid.
This is where, i strongly feel that for instance, the many fruits of science like, internet and video conferencing help because they strive to bring people closer together. For instance, the internet is undoubtedly, one of the many wonders of science most people are availing of with sheer pleasure and enjoyment. The whole world of opportunities it offers to the individuals using them is breathtaking. It opens up vistas of possibilities for communication from chatrooms to music to up-to date news to instant e-mailing to be in touch with one's loved ones.
A loneliness in a different sense could also be considered -the kind of loneliness where one doesnt feel an affection or an attachment to to one's roots.The one in which, he is ignorant of the innumerable chance occurences and events that have shaped him to who he is today. A loneliness where he utterly feels lost among people because of his obliviousness to his sense of individuality- of the history behind his race and people.This is where, i feel, the advancements in the field of history comes to the fore. Modern techniques of determing the age of paleontological and pre-historic eras through fossils and other sophisticated methods of age determination have improved our knowledge of the past.Historians, worldover, are concentrating on improving our awareness of our roots and the traditions to which we owe our existence, by painstakingly trying out, modifying, correcting and adapting new techniques and strategies to collect data, analyze them, and to draw conclusions of the ways people lived, thought and worked before and the influences of such cultural and traditional values on the modern man.
Hence, to reiterate, i would stand by my contention that technological advances have only improved the lives of people.The cellphones and the satellite communication have made us feel that our loved ones are more close to use than they really are.The internet provides a mode of interaction and communication for many lonely souls and improvements in history have only made us feel proud of our roots and an attachment to our past, which is afterall, necessary for understanding and leading a better life in future.

bigduke
07-08-2005, 06:50 AM
Astral I am NOT going to rate that essay until you remove the references to the author. Kindly go back and edit it and notify me via PM.
This is an analysis of an issue ... YOU are the main author ... that issue statement is what you will write on ...

samy_dg
07-08-2005, 04:39 PM
Thanks bigduke for your inspiring comments!:)

rineet
07-08-2005, 05:47 PM
Hi Bigduke, I would be happy if you could rate my argument essay and also give your feedbacks and suggestions soon,as my exam date is fast approaching. Thank you.
Rineet.

The following appeared in a report to the governor of the state of New Manchester:

Of the 500 serious traffic accidents that have occured in our state over the past 10 months,65% have involved 16-year old drivers. Obviously,16 year olds do not have the emotional maturity needed to be safe drivers.The best solution is to pass a law requiring our citizens to be atleast 18 years old before they can obtain a driver`s license.

My argument essay:

The premise stated by the author for a law to be passed, requiring citizens to be atleast 18 years old to obtain a driver's license, in order to reduce the number of traffic accidents, seems logical at first glance. However on closer examination, the argument is fallacious, as it lacks evidence to support it.

First and foremost, the argument states that 16-year old drivers account for only 65% of the total serious traffic accidents. This implies that the remaining 35% of the accidents involve older and more experienced drivers. From this, it can be inferred that the law restricting the driver's minimum age to 18, can, at best, reduce the number of accidents and cannot eliminate these accidents completely. Hence, passing such a law to curb the number of accidents is not the best solution as indicated by the author.

Secondly, the argument gives no evidence that the accidents involving the 16-year old drivers occurred only due to the driver's incompetence. There might have been other factors such as poor weather conditions or faulty working condition of the vehicle's parts, that contributed to these accidents. In such cases, it would be unfair to attribute these accidents to the driver's inability. Also, the 16-year old drivers are less likely to be victims of drunken driving than their older counterparts.

Thirdly, the argument takes into account a period of only 10 months to generalize that 16-year old drivers caused more number of accidents. It is possible that the number of accidents involving 16-year olds might have been unusually high during this period. Statistics might have given a totally different picture if a larger sampling time had been considered. Hence, the author's suggestion of imposing new laws,based on the facts of a short period of 10 months, is fallacious.

Finally, the argument has no evidence to prove that the 18-year old drivers were better than their 16-year old counterparts. The very argument suggests that 35% of serious traffic accidents were due to drivers aged over 16. Hence, the law,enforcing drivers to be atleast 18 years old to obtain the driving license, is not the best solution as indicated by the author. A more pragmatic solution to this problem would be to test the driver on the basis of his/her driving skills and issue driving licenses,thereupon, based on their skill, rather than their age.

bigduke
07-09-2005, 05:36 PM
This is an analysis of an issue, we are not assessing an argument so DO NOT identify claims here
Please rewrite this too astral ... refer to barrons before you start writing.

bigduke
07-09-2005, 07:08 PM
rineet:

1. the context given to you is in the form of a report, so try referring to the claims as "the report claims" rather than "the author states". It speaks of your attentiveness.
2. state the claims you have identified as the weak links in the intro so that the assessor knows the flow of your thoughts. also, stick to this order in the para's to follow.
3. excellent use of transition words, i.e. "firstly, secondly, .... finally".

This could very well go for a 5.0 but you still need to add some length to it. Try to be more verbose when stating countermeasures.

Overall, good job :)

Blase
07-10-2005, 01:16 AM
Hello BigDuke,

Appreciate if you could rate this first attempt at argument:


The following memo appeared in the newsletter of the West Meria Public Health Council.
"An innovative treatment has come to our attention that promises to significantly reduce absenteeism in our schools and workplaces. A study reports that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. Clearly, eating a substantial amount of fish can prevent colds. Since colds are the reason most frequently given for absences from school and work, we recommend the daily use of Ichthaid, a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil, as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism."

The argument is not entirely sound because the author assumes that the stated correlation implies effectiveness of the nutritional supplement. The author asserts that daily use of Ichthaid, a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil could prevent colds and hence lower absenteeism in both the workplace and schools. Yet, there are several reasons that the author cannot lay claim to his or her recommendations.

First, we do not know if the study is reliable--there is no disclosure of data and the volunteers' backgrounds. For an experiment to be relatively convincing, we need to know the biodata: ages, ethnic groups, gender type, work groups and the general health of the group studied. For instance, we do not know if there are several age groupings amongst the volunteers. If the volunteers are young adults, might it not imply a higher resistance compared to older adults. Also, the workplace plays an important part in spreading of viral infections such as colds; conducting studies amongst groups whose working environment offers lesser social interaction, unlike the office or an enclosed area, reduces the risks of contagions. All these details are not disclosed. Similarly, general health conditions would determine the level of immunity of a person. If these volunteers exercise regularly and ate healthy food such as fish, would it not imply a healthy lifestyle and good immunity.

Second, there is no concrete proof that fish consumption is the missing link to cold prevention. What is the possibility for the residents of East Meria having a high consumption of other foods? The author fails to clarify. It may be that it is a fishing village, hence they have an economical source of meat, but that does not qualify the author's assertion as a reason to promote Ichthaid. Furthermore, since East Meria is nearby, would the residents of West Meria not benefit from a high consumption of fish? This statement weakens the author's argument substantially because it disproves his or her claims of fish consumption preventing colds.

Finally, the claim that preventing colds, lowers absenteeism is misleading. The author seems to use it as a red herring to distract us from the issue at hand, that is cold prevention. It is a hasty generalization, and to suppose that absenteeism would be improved as a result of taking Ichthaid, suggests an interests aligned with the health food industry. By preventing cold, can Ichthaid lower absenteeism? There are many other everyday illness such as flu, headaches and fever, requiring rests--and we do not know for certain if cold prevention can lower absenteeism, unless we take the author's statement as valid.

Hence, the argument is not completely sound. The author depends on a sweeping assumption about the effectiveness of Ichthaid in cold prevention and lowering absenteeism in the workplace and schools without much details. Ultimately, the argument could have been strengthened by making transparent details of the clinical trials of Ichthaid, volunteers background and health conditions and the duration of study. An assessment into the possibility of other high food consumptions in East Meria and general dietary intake of residents in West Meria are also helpful in substantiating the author's claims.

astral glow
07-10-2005, 04:41 AM
"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."
The development of civilization with its innumerable gadgets and amenities has improved the lives of the people it is designed to aid and created a sense of affinity and joy. My contention is that the development of technological tools and its applications have only brought the people from all corners of life much closer together than ever before.
Indeed, the mammothian improvements made in the fields of science, engineering, medicine, arts - to name a few have revolutionized the lives of people throughout the world irrespective of the strata they belong to, irrespective of their economic, social andd political backgrounds.Life has, in short, become more comfortable.
Like the Nokia commercial proclaims we can now stay "Stay Connected". Mobiles and cellular telephony, for insance have revolutionised our lives. People are able to keep in touch with their kith and kin who live far away, through their mobiles and telephones, sharing their news of joy to celebrate together and their tribulations to commiserate together. Even when an individual gets stranded in a strange place, its his mobile that comes to his rescue.This small gadget, one of the many important fruits of science, is but only a minisule example, of the ways the rapid strides in science affects our lives.
The most critical dimension of this issue is, however, to realise the real connotation of "loneliness" in the statement. Loneliness is, undoubtledly, a scourge. Absence of peers and friends to share both your happiness and sorrow with, the absence of like-minded and intellectually compatible people to discuss, reason, and argue about issues close to one's heart, can in most cases, make people feel desolate and languid.
This is where, i strongly feel that for instance, the many fruits of science like, internet and video conferencing help because they strive to bring people closer together. For instance, the internet is undoubtedly, one of the many wonders of science most people are availing of with sheer pleasure and enjoyment. The whole world of opportunities it offers to the individuals using them is breathtaking. It opens up vistas of possibilities for communication from chatrooms to music to up-to date news to instant e-mailing to be in touch with one's loved ones.
A loneliness in a different sense could also be considered -the kind of loneliness where one doesnt feel an affection or an attachment to to one's roots.The one in which, he is ignorant of the innumerable chance occurences and events that have shaped him to who he is today. A loneliness where he utterly feels lost among people because of his obliviousness to his sense of individuality- of the history behind his race and people.This is where, i feel, the advancements in the field of history comes to the fore. Modern techniques of determing the age of paleontological and pre-historic eras through fossils and other sophisticated methods of age determination have improved our knowledge of the past.Historians, worldover, are concentrating on improving our awareness of our roots and the traditions to which we owe our existence, by painstakingly trying out, modifying, correcting and adapting new techniques and strategies to collect data, analyze them, and to draw conclusions of the ways people lived, thought and worked before and the influences of such cultural and traditional values on the modern man.
Hence, to reiterate, i would stand by my contention that technological advances have only improved the lives of people.The cellphones and the satellite communication have made us feel that our loved ones are more close to use than they really are.The internet provides a mode of interaction and communication for many lonely souls and improvements in history have only made us feel proud of our roots and an attachment to our past, which is afterall, necessary for understanding and leading a better life in future.

astral glow
07-10-2005, 06:49 AM
thanks man..

ayao_83
07-10-2005, 07:36 PM
Hi BigDuke

Please take a look at this argument paper. I wrote it a long time ago, when I began preparing for GRE writing, so I don't think I imposed a time limit. I feel that all my papers for argument sound incredibly dry and tedious to read...any suggestions for this? Would this impact my score?

The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Excello Food Markets.
"In 90 towns where Excello has food markets, natural-food stores specializing in organic food products containing no chemical preservatives and made with foods grown without pesticides have opened nearby as competitors. Surveys of our own customers reveal a growing concern about foods grown using pesticides or preserved with chemicals. Recently our market in Sun City participated in a local food tasting fair, and 75 percent of the fair goers who visited the Excello booth requested free samples of organic fruit. Such evidence indicates that to increase our profits, we should begin to stock a full line of organic food products in all our markets."

The president’s suggestion of stocking organic food products in Excello Food Markets is a natural response to increased consumer interest in natural foods and the emergence of natural food stores as competitors. If Excello Food Markets does not follow the current consumer trends and preferences, it may be losing out in potentially lucrative business opportunities. However, the move to stock a full line of organic food products in all Excello Food Markets is a rash decision on the president’s part and may actually do more harm to the business and decrease Excello’s profits.

First of all, the president assumes that opening of natural food stores in the 90 towns will be a source of competition to Excello Food Markets, when there is no indication that these stores have the ability to compete with Excello. Specialty shops are typically small, sell very specific products and cater to a niche market. For these natural food stores to be a viable source of competition to Excello, they must have wide-scale exposure, experience high demand and be economically affordable to Excello’s clientele. To accurately assess the situation, the president should monitor Excello’s profits in these towns over a period of time to determine if there has been any profit loss due to the customers choosing to buy from the new stores.

Secondly, despite the survey results of customers expressing growing concern over the use of pesticides and chemical preservatives, there are no cogent reasons to suggest that Excello customers will stop buying these products. The details of the survey are not provided, so it is not clear if the “growing concern” of these customers necessarily reflects the opinions of the majority of Excello customers. Perhaps advertising of the newly opened natural food stores was misleading those who were surveyed. There are many factors which influence customers’ decisions, a major one being price. Organic food products are more expensive to grow and produce than non-organic foods, so many customers may consciously choose not to buy organic simply because they cannot afford it.

Finally, the president uses the requests of visitors at Sun City Food Fair as evidence of the demand for organic products. The president cannot make valid assessments based on this one event because the visitors of the fair are only from Sun City and the surrounding region and may not be representative of the entire consumer base of Excello. At a food fair, it is natural for people to want to sample novel products simply out of curiosity. A probable situation is that they sampled organic fruits at another booth and were requesting them from the Excello booth as comparison. This would explain why they only requested organic fruit, and not other products. Also, the figure 75% does not clearly indicate how many people actually made requests, since it is not clear how many people actually stopped at the Excello booth.

The president’s conclusion to bring a full line of organic products in all markets and that doing so will increase the market’s income is too extreme and rash. He should conduct local surveys at each store to determine the existence of a market, and for which products as well as investigating the profitability of supplying the organic foods before implementing widespread changes across the board to avoid taking such a financial risk.

parvati
07-10-2005, 07:59 PM
Hi bigduke,
I'm relatively new to the forum, and just finished my first attempts at the issue and argument essays.
Thanks,
Parvati.

Analysis of an Argument
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The following appeared in a proposal from the economic minister of the
country of Paraterra.
"In order to strengthen its lagging economy, last year the government of
the nearby country of Bellegea began an advertising campaign to promote
ecologically sound tourism (ecotourism). This year the number of foreign
visitors arriving at Bellegea's main airport doubled, and per capita
income in Bellegea increased by ten percent. To provide more income for
the population of Paraterra and also preserve the natural environment of
our tiny country, we too should begin to promote ecotourism. To ensure
that our advertising campaign is successful, we should hire the current
director of Bellegea's National Tourism Office as a consultant for the
campaign."


The passage concludes that promoting ecotourism would provide more income
for the population of Paraterra and also preserve its natural
environment.The author also advocates hiring the current director of
Bellegea's National Tourism Office as a consultant for this campaign.The
author's proposal is based on the alleged success of an advertising
campaign undertaken by the government of the neighbouring country of
Bellegea.This line of reasoning seems specious for the following reasons.

Firstly, the passage assumes that the natural environment and
infrastructure to support tourism in Bellegea is similar to that in
Paraterra.The statement that Bellegea and Paraterra are neighbouring
countries does not imply that the ecology and the climatic conditions are
similar in both the countries.While an advertising campaign could make a
great difference to a campaign for promoting ecotourism,it is necessary
to ensure that the region concerned does have the necessary ecological
features and infrastructural facilities to justify that campaign.

Secondly, the author assumes that the advertising campaign was
successful, and the reason behind the economic boom in Bellegea.The
advertising campaign and ecotourism itself may have had a very small, or
possibly negligible role to play as regards this increased spurt of
tourism.We do not have information regarding the other tourist
attractions in Bellegea.We further have no information about the purpose
of the arrival of several foreigners at Bellegea's airport.We further
cannot be sure that the ten percent increase in Bellegea's per capita
income is due to ecotourism and not any other improvements effected in
their once lagging economy.

Further, the author's proposal involves more than what was undertaken in
Bellegea, for he suggests a campaign to promote ecotourism, and not
merely an ad-campaign.No investigation seems to have been performed as
regards the economic viability of this suggestion.We have no information
about to what extent the ecological conditions in Paraterra need to be
improved, and further what exactly this proposed campaign will
include.Whether or not such a campaign could eventually raise the income
of the population in Paraterra remains a big question mark.

Additionally,assuming that the advertising campaign in Bellegea was
successful, we cannot assume that the current director of Bellegea's
National Tourism office was in any way responsible for this success.It is
not uncommon for important posts in the administration of a country to be
occupied by titular heads.Moreover, it is possible that the director of
the Tourism Office was not directly in charge of the ad-campaign, and is
not conversant with the subtle issues related to the campaign. Hiring
this director as a consultant may lead to no monetary or other benefit if
he or she is unaware of how exactly the advertising campaign in Bellegea
was executed and what made it successful.

In conclusion, the argument advocating the ecotourism campaign in
Paraterra does not seem sound enough.The author could have strengthened
his case by elaborating on the validity of the comparison between
Bellegea and Paraterra and the scope and feasibility of the proposed
campaign.Further research into the factors responsible for the improved
economy of Bellegea would also have been helpful.
--------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------
Analysis of an Issue
--------------------------------------------------
"Reform is seldom brought about by people who are concerned with their own
reputation and social standing. Those who are really in earnest about
reforming a government, an educational system, or any other institution
must be willing to be viewed with disdain by the rest of the world."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Society has always been puzzled about what it is that characterises those
rare men and women who seek to introduce change in the existing way of
life. Be it the government, an educational system or any other institution
- executing reform in any of these has always been and will remain a
herculean task. To what extent should these reformers be influenced by
public opinion? Should they take pains to maintain a good reputation in
the eyes of the laity? Or should they adopt the "dont care" attitude
popularised by the youth and television commercials of the recent times? I
believe that any person seeking to reform any system should be
sufficiently thick-skinned to enable him or her to tolerate the censure of
the world, if any.

Newton's first law of motion suggests that any system offers resistance to
change. To change a system usually involves implementing a change in the
lives of the members of the system. Most of us though, do not like change.
Our fixed rigid routines perhaps give us a sense of security. This
realisation makes it clear that any reformer in any age will definitely
face opposition from the members of the system he seeks to reform, more
generally- from the rest of the world. As an example, consider the case
when a few years ago banks nationwide seeked to computerise their
operations. The move was opposed by most of the employees of the banks -
on the grounds that certain of their colleagues would be rendered jobless,
that cmomputers were more difficult to use than the prevailing tools and
techniques, and so on. A similar resistance is now being faced by
institutions seeking to employ open-source software as against proprietory
software.

The opposition to the reform may be a mild one, which could be easily
squelched. In other situations, the opposition to reform could adopt a
more cruel or dangerous visage. Consider the case when Savitribai Phule
set out to educate the young girls in Maharashtra. She paved the road for
women's education in the region,but the task was by no means easy.
Families refused to send their duaghters to her school,and incidents of
stone -throwing were not uncommon as the lady made her way to the school.
This is just an example- most social reformers the world over have at
times had to face insults and humiliation at the hands of the very people
whom they seeked to help. Should their resolve to continue their noble
task have faltered in the face of this castigation - we would perhaps
still live as savages in the jungles.

However, one needs to exercise a little caution while stipulating that
reformers must not care about their social reputations. Lack of concern
for what the world thinks about you and your work implies a supreme
confidence in one's motives and faith in one's abilities. This could be
good or bad depending upon what the nature of the motives. Hitler sought
to reform Germany by purging it of the Jews. With little concern for what
the rest of the world felt about his dictatorial regime, Hitler wreaked
incomparable havoc and did his best to reform or rather change the face of
the world - but his insensitivity to the condemnation he faced from the
rest of the world is definitely not praiseworthy.

Moreover,we should not overlook the fact that reform is definitely easier
if one has a good reputation and social standing. After all, ushering
change in an existing institution does need some support from the members
of that insitution - and a better reputation definitely guarantees more
support. For example,political leaders are those who adroitly manage to
both maintain a good reputation and execute reform.

To sum up, I would like to say that a person who earnestly seeks to reform
the existing system in an institution must be willing to endure public
disdain. However, his lack of concern for his reputation must not kill his
social conscience. Furthermore, if a reformer is able to maintain a good
reputation, it will enable him to garner more support in his mission.

aiai
07-11-2005, 04:08 PM
Hi, bigduck, I am a Chinese girl who sincerely begs your help about AWA at your convenience:)
http://www.urch.com/forums/showthread.php?p=179063#post179063

bigduke
07-11-2005, 04:56 PM
Please take a look at this argument paper. I wrote it a long time ago, when I began preparing for GRE writing, so I don't think I imposed a time limit. I feel that all my papers for argument sound incredibly dry and tedious to read...any suggestions for this? Would this impact my score?


I wonder what gave you that idea about your essays. Its simply flawless ayao. Good job, however it'd be nice to see you do a timed essay just as exceptionally :)

aiai
07-12-2005, 08:29 AM
Hi, bigduck, I 've post the issue topic. Thanx!:)

http://www.urch.com/forums/sho...9063#post179063 (http://www.urch.com/forums/showthread.php?p=179063#post179063)

ayao_83
07-12-2005, 11:31 PM
Hi Big Duke... I wrote this today in half an hour...obviously, it is not as eloquent, but hopefully it will suffice for a 6? I get the feeling that the ETS markers are looking only for a specific level of competency, so if this is sufficient, then I will focus my energy on other things (e.g. my issue writing, which is rather disastrous right now. :()


The following appeared as an editorial in a health magazine.

"Clormium 5 is an odorless, tasteless, and generally harmless industrial by-product that can enter the water supply. A preliminary study has linked cooking with water containing clormium 5 to an increased incidence of allergies and skin rashes. Tests of the drinking water in several areas have revealed the presence of clormium 5. Although it is possible to remove clormium 5 from water, the costs of routine testing and purification are higher than many communities can afford. Therefore, in order to prevent allergies and skin rashes, communities that cannot afford to rid their drinking water of clormium 5 should replace drinking fountains in public buildings, such as schools and libraries, with bottled-water coolers."

The writer of this editorial obviously has good intentions with the suggestion of trying to minimize the possible effects that clorium 5 may have on the general public, especially in those communities which cannot afford to test and purify their water supplies. Where public health is concerned, it is better to take pre-emptive measures than having to deal with the fall-out afterwards from an oversight. However, this writer’s worries may not be warranted, especially since he or she fails to present cogent evidence to suggest grounds for this concern.


Firstly, the study which the writer references does not provide direct evidence that clormium 5 contaminated water will cause allergies and skin rashes if consumed from drinking fountains. After all, the study is only preliminary, so any results would require further verification before they can be considered well-established scientific evidence. The study’s findings have only linked cooking with water containing clormium 5 to the increase in allergies and skin rashes, but not straight forward consumption. It is possible that a reaction during the cooking process, such as heating the water above a specific temperature, activates the deleterious effects of clormium 5. If left unheated, the clormium 5 may very well be harmless.


Secondly, the writer has not shown that the communities in question here are experiencing any problems with allergies or skin rashes. Even though tests of drinking water in several areas have revealed a presence of clormium 5, it is not known if this mere presence causes health problems. A very critical point that current studies have not determined is whether any trace of clormium 5 is harmful, or if there is a threshold concentration that is acceptable for the public to consume. Without this key piece of information, it is impossible for the communities to properly assess their water supplies.


Finally, the writer’s proposed solution is not feasible on a long-term basis, nor does it address the issue at hand. If clormium 5 were truly harmful toward the public (either through cooking water or just regular consumption), then communities would need to take preventative measures. Providing bottled-water coolers in public buildings does not help the citizens when they need to consume water in their private homes. This is merely a temporary patch to the problem, and spreads out the costs, but in the long term, having to always provide bottled-water coolers may prove to be more expensive than an upfront investment in either building a purification facility or conducting studies to determine methods of preventing the contamination from occurring.


Based on the little information that the writer has presented, it is difficult for community councils to make any informed decisions. Community health departments will need to conduct more research to determine if there is indeed a link between clormium 5 and increased allergies and skin rashes. Furthermore, if this is a serious concern, then the communities will need to find alternative measures to prevent the clormium 5 from entering the water supply.

bigduke
07-13-2005, 07:09 AM
ayao ... I believe its time you diverted your attention to other aspects of the exam that need more prep. Your arg essays, atleast the one's I have seen are flawless, another 6.0 to this one I'd say. However, refrain from using "obviously" in an opening line, the use of "naturally" is better suited because of the tone difference.

parvati:
Your arg essay is very good. Just a few observations. vary your transition words and avoid excessive usage of certain words like "further". Also 3rd para has repeated solecism with the use of "we further". Try not making this sound like a second person narration with the use of we, write in 3rd person. Other than that, you've identified all claims and worked on them accordingly.
I shall go through the issue essay soon.


---------------------------------- NOTICE --------------------------------------

This is to inform all Testmagic members that "ish" shall be assisting me on this thread in assessing essays. This decision comes after ish's splendid bulls eye score of 6.0 on the AWA and also my inability to cope up with the growing assessment requests.
Welcome aborad ish.

- Harshit
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ayao_83
07-13-2005, 12:47 PM
Thanks for your input BigDuke!

aiai
07-14-2005, 04:05 AM
Thank you, Bigduck!
I rewrite my issue104
http://www.urch.com/forums/showthread.php?p=180485#post180485

ish
07-14-2005, 01:48 PM
This is a good essay Parvati, and your examples are right on. Watch out for typos.


------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------
Analysis of an Issue
--------------------------------------------------
"Reform is seldom brought about by people who are concerned with their own
reputation and social standing. Those who are really in earnest about
reforming a government, an educational system, or any other institution
must be willing to be viewed with disdain by the rest of the world."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Society has always been puzzled about what it is that characterises those
rare men and women who seek to introduce change in the existing way of
life. Be it the government, an educational system or any other institution
- executing reform in any of these has always been and will remain a
herculean task. To what extent should these reformers be influenced by
public opinion? Should they take pains to maintain a good reputation in
the eyes of the laity? Or should they adopt the "dont care" attitude
popularised by the youth and television commercials of the recent times? I
believe that any person seeking to reform any system should be
sufficiently thick-skinned to enable him or her to tolerate the censure of
the world, if any.
this is a good intro, but avoid beginning it with a generalisation as you have ("Society has always been...")


Newton's first law of motion suggests that any system offers resistance to
change. To change a system usually involves implementing a change in the
lives of the members of the system. Most of us though, do not like change.
Our fixed rigid routines perhaps give us a sense of security. This
realisation makes it clear that any reformer in any age will definitely
face opposition from the members of the system he seeks to reform, more
generally- from the rest of the world. As an example, consider the case
when a few years ago banks nationwide seeked to computerise their
operations. The move was opposed by most of the employees of the banks -
on the grounds that certain of their colleagues would be rendered jobless,
that cmomputers were more difficult to use than the prevailing tools and
techniques, and so on. A similar resistance is now being faced by
institutions seeking to employ open-source software as against proprietory
software.


The opposition to the reform may be a mild one, which could be easily
squelched. In other situations, the opposition to reform could adopt a
more cruel or dangerous visage. Consider the case when Savitribai Phule
set out to educate the young girls in Maharashtra. She paved the road for
women's education in the region,but the task was by no means easy.
Families refused to send their duaghters to her school,and incidents of
stone -throwing were not uncommon as the lady made her way to the school.
This is just an example- most social reformers the world over have at
times had to face insults and humiliation at the hands of the very people
whom they seeked to help. Should their resolve to continue their noble
task have faltered in the face of this castigation - we would perhaps
still live as savages in the jungles.
good.

However, one needs to exercise a little caution while stipulating that
reformers must not care about their social reputations. Lack of concern
for what the world thinks about you and your work implies a supreme
confidence in one's motives and faith in one's abilities. This could be
good or bad depending upon what the nature of the motives. Hitler sought
to reform Germany by purging it of the Jews. With little concern for what
the rest of the world felt about his dictatorial regime, Hitler wreaked
incomparable havoc and did his best to reform or rather change the face of
the world - but his insensitivity to the condemnation he faced from the
rest of the world is definitely not praiseworthy.

Moreover,we should not overlook the fact that reform is definitely easier
if one has a good reputation and social standing. After all, ushering
change in an existing institution does need some support from the members
of that insitution - and a better reputation definitely guarantees more
support. For example,political leaders are those who adroitly manage to
both maintain a good reputation and execute reform.
I feel you can come up with a better example here.

To sum up, I would like to say that a person who earnestly seeks to reform
the existing system in an institution must be willing to endure public
disdain. However, his lack of concern for his reputation must not kill his
social conscience. Furthermore, if a reformer is able to maintain a good
reputation, it will enable him to garner more support in his mission.




and aiai, its "bigduke" :)

parvati
07-15-2005, 02:23 AM
bigduke and ish-thanks-didn't notice that I've overused "further", and i'll keep it in mind to avoid generalisations at the start of the essay.
Parvati.

ish
07-15-2005, 11:14 AM
Here are my remarks Blase.
You could state the point which you have mentioned in the penultimate paragraph earlier, because I think it is the strongest point you have (the one about colds not being the only reason for absenteeism...). Try aligning your work that way, with the best points up front. The one about lack of statistical data can come immediately after that.
Good luck!

Hello BigDuke,

Appreciate if you could rate this first attempt at argument:


The following memo appeared in the newsletter of the West Meria Public Health Council.
"An innovative treatment has come to our attention that promises to significantly reduce absenteeism in our schools and workplaces. A study reports that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. Clearly, eating a substantial amount of fish can prevent colds. Since colds are the reason most frequently given for absences from school and work, we recommend the daily use of Ichthaid, a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil, as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism."

The argument is not entirely sound because the author assumes that the stated correlation implies effectiveness of the nutritional supplement. The author asserts that daily use of Ichthaid, a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil could prevent colds and hence lower absenteeism in both the workplace and schools. Yet, there are several reasons that the author cannot lay claim to his or her recommendations.
good start

First, we do not know if the study is reliable--there is no disclosure of data and the volunteers' backgrounds. For an experiment to be relatively convincing, we need to know the biodata: ages, ethnic groups, gender type, work groups and the general health of the group studied. For instance, we do not know if there are several age groupings amongst the volunteers. If the volunteers are young adults, might it not imply a higher resistance compared to older adults.[question mark here] Also, the workplace plays an important part in spreading of viral infections such as colds; conducting studies amongst groups whose working environment offers lesser social interaction, unlike the office or an enclosed area, reduces the risks of contagions. All these details are not disclosed. Similarly, general health conditions would determine the level of immunity of a person. If these volunteers exercise regularly and ate healthy food such as fish, would it not imply a healthy lifestyle and good immunity.
good points. try to organise them better though.

Secondly, there is no concrete proof that fish consumption is the missing link to cold prevention. What is the possibility for the residents of East Meria having a high consumption of other foods? The author fails to clarify. It may be that it is a fishing village, hence they have an economical source of meat, but that does not qualify the author's assertion as a reason to promote Ichthaid. Furthermore, since East Meria is nearby, would the residents of West Meria not benefit from a high consumption of fish?[?] This statement weakens the author's argument substantially because it disproves his or her claims of fish consumption preventing colds.

Finally, the claim that preventing colds, lowers absenteeism is misleading. The author seems to use it as a red herring to distract us from the issue at hand, that is cold prevention.not really. if you notice, the first sentence of the argument states that "...significantly reduce absenteeism in our schools and workplaces. "The whole point of promoting the product is to further this end. It is a hasty generalization, and to suppose that absenteeism would be improved as a result of taking Ichthaid, suggests an interests aligned with the health food industry. By preventing cold, can Ichthaid lower absenteeism? There are many other everyday illness such as flu, headaches and fever, requiring rests--and we do not know for certain if cold prevention can lower absenteeism, unless we take the author's statement as valid.

Hence, the argument is not completely sound. The author depends on a sweeping assumption about the effectiveness of Ichthaid in cold prevention and lowering absenteeism in the workplace and schools without much details. Ultimately, the argument could have been strengthened by making transparent details of the clinical trials of Ichthaid, volunteers background and health conditions and the duration of study. An assessment into the possibility of other high food consumptions in East Meria and general dietary intake of residents in West Meria are also helpful in substantiating the author's claims.
strong ending

Blase
07-15-2005, 12:43 PM
Thanks a lot, Ish.

Appreciate your pointers. However, I do have a question,

...Furthermore, since East Meria is nearby, would the residents of West Meria not benefit from a high consumption of fish?[?].... Is this a question for being confused with the statement (refering to yourself, Ish?) or to say that it would be appropriate to pose it as a question? I think I should have elaborated on it.

ish
07-15-2005, 03:24 PM
I've replied to the PM :) Good luck to you.

totti
07-16-2005, 04:17 AM
me will aslo be posting some esssays..in two three days...and plzz dont even think of closing this subforum....

aiai
07-16-2005, 04:18 AM
Hi, Bigduck and ish, thank you for your comment to my issue. I think u r right and I studied the model essays. Now I have thoroughly changed it. Maybe there are still many grammar errors, but you know I've try my best and it is a stubborn problem to me. Would you like to evaluate it for me again? :)


Issue104

It is primarily through formal education that a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears.



I agree that a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears primarily through formal education. In addition, family education, laws and mainstream media are also the ways in which a culture achieves its ends.

Firstly, a culture perpetuates the ideas it favors and discredits the ideas it fears through textbooks. As we know, textbooks are wells of knowledge and wise traditionally inherited from generation to generation. When students learn from textbooks and remember the knowledge for exams, what our mainstream culture favors and what it fears are simultaneously indoctrinated into their mind. Physical textbooks tell students Galileo's famous law of free fall and oppose Aristotle's earlier view about it. Mathematical textbooks demonstrate how to calculate the volume of circle and square and which methods of calculation are wrong. Some ideas about how to understand history are detailedly guided by history textbooks. For instance, description of China-Japanese War during the World War II in Chinese history textbooks is different from that in Japanese ones, so Chinese students and Japanese ones would have different view of this war. Both of the cultures try to indoctrinate their own understanding of the war to their children through history education.

Secondly, teachers and rules of school also contribute to ideas indoctrination. In schools, teachers get along with children everyday, what they say and act would probably deeply influence their students. The mission of teacher is not only to teach students knowledge but also to educate them how to do according to school motto and rules. Julius E. Lips said in “The Origin of Things” (and I paraphrase):“modern states ‘invests’ in institutions of learning to get back the ‘interest’ in the form of a large group of enlightened young man and woman who are potential leaders.” I believe only when these “young man and woman” speak and behave accordant with the viewpoints agreed by their education, they would be regard as excellent. And in the future, if these people become leaders, some of the ideas they accepted during their school education maybe spread and popularize in society. In my observation, a mainstream culture unconsciously perpetuates the ideas it favors and discredits the ideas it fears by this way.

In addition, several other means play roles in helping a culture perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears. They include family education, laws and mainstream media. (1) Family education is an important form of imparting ideas. Behavior and speech of family members contribute to the views formation of their offspring especially during their childhood. My father always tells me:“your failure as a daughter is my failure as a father.”(2) Our system of laws indicates what our mainstream culture is approving and object by punishment and execution. And (3) mass media plays a significant role in propaganda of mainstream culture by newspaper, TV, radio and internet. The importance of these means beyond school education cannot be despised.

In summary, formal education is a primary means in which a culture perpetuates the ideas it favors and discredits the ideas it fears. Family education, laws and mainstream media are the complement of formal education. (525)

bigduke
07-16-2005, 05:56 AM
aiai:

About writing a good introduction, never reveal your stand in the first line itself, it should come somewhere at the end of the intro para. Secondly, build towards your credence gradually. Look at the para that follows.

Schools, a child's first institution after the family are indeed their second home. From the basics of communication and personality building to the more complex specialization subjects and social ethics, all are propagated by institutions of formal education. It is not surprising that a culture tries to instil ideas it strongly favors through such formal education, since it is the pupil of today who shall keep this culture alive in the years to come. Purging of unfavorable ideas only ensures the culture's longevity.

The 3rd para is irrelevant to to the topic at hand. Also, never use point-wise idea presentation in such essays. By formal education, I am pretty sure we mean schools, colleges and universities and not laws and media.

For conclusion, sum up your points you have already mentioned in the essay and then deliver a statement that sounds extremely convincing

您需要工作非常坚硬 aiai

aiai
07-17-2005, 01:55 AM
Thank you, Bigduke! And i am so sorry for the previous wrong spelling of your name:blush: .Sorry again!

aiai
07-17-2005, 03:03 AM
Hi, Bigduke, what is point-wise idea? Do you mean the"(1),(2),(3)" presented in my essay?

In addtion, you said the 3rd para was irrelevant to the topic. Then if I change my claim to "I agree it is primarily through grade school and high school that a culture tries to perpetuate the idea it favors and discredit the ideas it fears, but college and university is not involved in this role" , my 3rd para is as follows.


Admittedly, the task of university and college is not to help our culture to instill ideas it favors. The mission of high education is to offer students cultural perspective and capacity of understanding the opposing viewpoints and cultivate students a spirit of critical thinking and skepticism. Although college and university students are also taught knowledge by professors through textbooks and demanded to obey the school motto, they are required to spend much more time on seeking and reading reference and papers to form their own ideas concerning certain problems, and these adult students are not supervised strictly by advisors through campus rules because they are constrained by laws and regulations of society. In the whole, the aim of high education is to encourage and nurture students to think and judge by themselves and not to blindly worship authority.

Do u think it is ok?

bigduke
07-17-2005, 06:17 AM
aiai its a counter-point to your initial claim, but yes its fair enough.

charmy_mermaid
07-17-2005, 08:37 PM
hi...this is my first essay...pls rate. is it too dry or repetitive..

The following appeared in a proposal from the economic minister of the country of Paraterra.
"In order to strengthen its lagging economy, last year the government of the nearby country of Bellegea began an advertising campaign to promote ecologically sound tourism (ecotourism). This year the number of foreign visitors arriving at Bellegea's main airport doubled, and per capita income in Bellegea increased by ten percent. To provide more income for the population of Paraterra and also preserve the natural environment of our tiny country, we too should begin to promote ecotourism. To ensure that our advertising campaign is successful, we should hire the current director of Bellegea's National Tourism Office as a consultant for the campaign."


The economic minister of the country of Paraterra has drawn on the experiences of the neighbouring country of Bellegea to resolve the problem of Paraterra’s lagging economy. However, the bases of his claims and conclusions are not entirely convincing and need further examination.

Firstly, the economic minister of the country of Paraterra assumes that the economy of its neighbouring country Bellegea ameliorated as a result of a boost in tourism. Though this may well be the case, there is also the possibility that the increase in the per capita income reflects other favourable changes in the economy. It is not clear to what extent the increased income is a result of the spurt in tourism alone. Conclusive information to that effect would help in deciding whether promoting ecotourism is indeed the solution to the problems.

Secondly, the minister uses the number of foreign visitors arriving at the main airport as the sole index of the growth of tourism industry. To begin with, the foreigners may have come for other purposes such as on business trips, etc. and not as tourists. Moreover data collected from merely one airport, even though a major one is not likely to provide accurate information. In order to get a more accurate picture, it would be necessary to assay the inflow of foreign tourists at all airports and tourist areas that are otherwise accessible. Hence it is necessary to gather evidence scientifically to successfully back the conclusion that there was indeed a boost in tourism.

Further, the economic minister of Paraterra must be cautious in applying the same strategies as those used by the government of Bellegea to strengthen its economy. Though the tourism industry of Bellegea may have benefited substantially from the ad campaign to promote ecotourism, it is very likely that it was accompanied by improved infrastructure to support the increased inflow of tourists and other amenities. Hence, before working on the same lines, the economic minister of Paraterra must determine whether the country has the capacity to support such a growth. Moreover, simply because these are neighbouring countries, one cannot assume that both have similar features. It is possible that Paraterra’s economy is plagued by other problems and will not benefit significantly from the tourism industry.

Finally, hiring the current director of Bellegea's National Tourism Office as a consultant for the campaign may not necessarily guarantee the success of the campaign in Paraterra as there is no evidence suggesting that the director played an instrumental role in the designing and the success of the campaign. Hence it would be beneficial to first investigate whether the director was indeed involved directly in the planning and implementation of the campaign.

Thus, the conclusions drawn by the economic minister of Paraterra are based on possibly fallacious grounds and need to be corroborated by solid evidence regarding the success of the ad campaign, the growth in tourism and the potential benefit to Paraterra’s economy from such a campaign.

bigduke
07-19-2005, 06:50 AM
mermaid .... simply splendid! that calls for a 6.0 :D

just a couple of observations though, para 3 last line, rather than saying "back the conclusion" which is colloquial English, lets rephrase is as "buttress the conclusion" or "support the conclusion". The intro could do with some more weight.

If you can come up with the same performance well within time, you're on your way to a 6.0

charmy_mermaid
07-20-2005, 11:39 AM
thanks bigduke!
i'll keep the points in mind...and will try to keep improving..
thanks again for ur time and valuable suggestions :)

Blase
07-24-2005, 03:07 AM
Comments and feedbacks appreciated. Thanks.

The following appeared in the editorial section of a newsmagazine.
"Some states are creating new laws that restrict the use of of handheld cell phones by drivers of automobiles. Such legislation, however, is sheer folly. Although some people with cell phones undoubtedly cause problems on the road, including serious accidents,
the majority do not. Besides, problems are also caused by drivers who are distracted by any number of other activities, from listening to the radio to disciplining children. Since there is no need to pass legislation restricting these and other such activities, it follows that there is no need to restrict people's freedom to use a device that they find convenient—or helpful in emergencies."

The passage concludes that new laws restricting the use of handheld cell phones by drivers would not have significant problems on the roads, citing that there are other activities causing distractions. This argument is not convincing because the author then states that the laws are not required because it limits the drivers use of handheld cell phones. To counter the author's statements, there are several flaws in his arguments that cannot lay claim for holding back legislations restricting the use of handheld cell phones.

First, the author concludes that there are other reasons for distractions causing drivers to lapse in their concentrations other than handheld cell phones. Drivers are typically distracted by a number of reasons, and yet, what differentiates distractions from handheld cell phones as oppose to conversations with occupants in the car? What are the attention levels required when a driver listens to the radio, or disciplines children, compared to handheld cell phones? Are handheld cell phone conversations--a mental or physical distraction? Are visions and concentrations similar for all activities? In addition, the use of handheld cell phones place drivers in a dangerous position, steering with one hand, whilst the other holding on to the phone. Conversely, the other examples given--do not demand a similar, persistent restriction. Hence, we cannot distinguish the relationship between the various distractions, and cannot justify that these activities come to one conclusion--that distraction levels are the same for all activities.

Secondly, the author cites that whilst some people with cell phones cause problems, it does not rest with the majority--but, there is no substantiation of a quantifiable "some" from a mentioned "majority". We do not know categorically--how many are actually causing problems on the roads, or how many serious accidents occurred as a result from the various activities. To accurately assess the situation, we need to conduct a study correlating the various parameters to this one activity alone. Parameters may include braking reaction times and drunken driving, and also a survey of the frequent cause of accidents, minor and major.

Finally, the best excuse the author can have for opposing the new legislation, is the convenience of calls for assistance or to report emergencies. But such calls can be made just as effectively by passengers in the car, or from a stopped car. This is not
acknowledged by the author, either because the author understands this would weaken his argument or he has given the issue an excessively cursory treatment. Alternatively, there are hands-free cell phones that may support the author's claim; the growing demand for hands-free kits and integrated earphones illustrates the desire for cell phones whilst driving.

The author's conclusion to dismiss new laws, restricting the use of handheld cell phones by drivers of automobiles, is both rash and fallacious. The argument could have been strengthened, if the author first, cites references to reasons behind accident reports, correlate research findings of vision and concentration lapses with the different activities that distracts the drivers--and to what extent, and braking reaction times.

ish
07-26-2005, 05:17 PM
I like this argument very much Blase. I think you have covered the main points very well.
Watch out for general grammar and punctuation. And though your sentences are not wrong per se, some of them tend to be winding. You can mix it up a little. Dont have too many short or too many long sentences.
Other than that, good work!



The following appeared in the editorial section of a newsmagazine.
"Some states are creating new laws that restrict the use of of handheld cell phones by drivers of automobiles. Such legislation, however, is sheer folly. Although some people with cell phones undoubtedly cause problems on the road, including serious accidents,
the majority do not. Besides, problems are also caused by drivers who are distracted by any number of other activities, from listening to the radio to disciplining children. Since there is no need to pass legislation restricting these and other such activities, it follows that there is no need to restrict people's freedom to use a device that they find convenient—or helpful in emergencies."

The passage concludes that new laws restricting the use of handheld cell phones by drivers would not have significant problems on the roads, citing that there are other activities causing distractions. This argument is not convincing because the author then states that the laws are not required because it limits the drivers use of handheld cell phones. To counter the author's statements, there are several flaws in his arguments that cannot lay claim for holding back legislations restricting the use of handheld cell phones.

First, the author concludes that there are other reasons for distractions causing drivers to lapse in their concentrations other than handheld cell phones. Drivers are typically distracted by a number of reasons, and yet, what differentiates distractions from handheld cell phones as opposed to conversations with occupants in the car? What are the attention levels required when a driver listens to the radio, or disciplines children, compared to handheld cell phones? Are handheld cell phone conversations a mental or physical distraction? Are visions and concentrations similar for all activities? In addition, the use of handheld cell phones place drivers in a dangerous position, steering with one hand, whilst the other holding on to the phone. Conversely, the other examples given--do not demand a similar, persistent restriction. Hence, we cannot distinguish the relationship between the various distractions, and cannot justify that these activities come to one conclusion--that distraction levels are the same for all activities.
strong. i like this para.

Secondly, the author cites that whilst some people with cell phones cause problems, it does not rest with the majority--but, there is no substantiation of a quantifiable "some" from a mentioned "majority". We do not know categorically--how many are actually causing problems on the roads, or how many serious accidents occurred as a result from the various activities. To accurately assess the situation, we need to conduct a study correlating the various parameters to this one activity alone. Parameters may include braking reaction times and drunken driving, and also a survey of the frequent cause of accidents, minor and major.
good point. there are no statistics given, which seriously undermine the person's claims.

Finally, the best excuse the author can have for opposing the new legislation, is the convenience of calls for assistance or to report emergencies. But such calls can be made just as effectively by passengers in the car, or from a stopped car. This is not
acknowledged by the author, either because the author understands this would weaken his argument or he has given the issue an excessively cursory treatment. Alternatively, there are hands-free cell phones that may support the author's claim; the growing demand for hands-free kits and integrated earphones illustrates the desire for cell phones whilst driving.

The author's conclusion to dismiss new laws, restricting the use of handheld cell phones by drivers of automobiles, is both rash and fallacious. The argument could have been strengthened, if the author first,[no comma here] cites references to reasons behind accident reports, correlates research findings of vision and concentration lapses with the different activities that distracts the drivers--and to what extent, and braking reaction times.


I think, however, your ending is a bit blunt. The last line, especially. Try adding a strong "finish" line to this. Its a good para, though.

Blase
07-27-2005, 12:41 AM
Thanks, Ish. Grateful for your comments.

totti
07-29-2005, 04:13 AM
absolutely wonderful ..................
6 out of 6.......
how many decades have u been trying ur hand at essays?????????????//
just tooooooo gooooooood...
u took a difficult stand.......but supported it ......with some cogent and pursuasive pointsssss....
best of luck

absolutely wonderful ..................
6 out of 6.......
how many decades have u been trying ur hand at essays?????????????//
just tooooooo gooooooood...
u took a difficult stand.......but supported it ......with some cogent and pursuasive pointsssss....
best of luck

infinityzero
07-29-2005, 06:34 PM
BigDuke, can you please rate this? It's my first argument and need some feedback. Thank you.

The following appeared in a memo from the new vice president of Sartorian, a company that manufactures men's clothing.

"Five years ago, at a time when we had difficulties in obtaining reliable supplies of high-quality wool fabric, we discontinued production of our deluxe alpaca overcoats. Now that we have a new fabric supplier, we should resume production. This coat should sell very well: since we have not offered an alpaca overcoat for five years and since our major competitor no longer makes an alpaca overcoat, there will be pent-up customer demand. Also, since the price of most types of clothing has risen in each of the past five years, customers should be willing to pay significantly higher prices for alpaca overcoats than they did five years ago, and our company profits will increase."

Though there are some reasonable assertions to make, this argument is riddled with fallacies. The author looks at the facts, yet makes hasty assumptions that deter away from the foundation and can possibly ruin this company financially.

An important factor in this argument is the passing of time. The author assumes that because the company has not sold these coats in the past five years, that there will be an interest in them. However, this is faulty logic. The trends from five years ago to the present can drastically change. Though it may have been fiscally unfortunate for the company to stop production of the alpaca overcoats five years ago, the author does not provide enough data to show that the fashion and marketing trends have collectively stayed the same over this fugacious period.

Second, the author assumes that the coat will sell very well because there would not be any major competitors to lure consumer interest away. This is a weak assumption because it relies on the idea that consumers have a continued interest in these coats. This may not be the case. This company may find that consumers find other coats better suited for them. The alpaca overcoats may not offer enough seasonal variety or they may not give enough protection to a cold winter climates. Also, though there are no gripping competition in this brand of overcoats, consumers might have found coats better for them within the five year gap, thus having no more use for these outdated coats.

Third, the author assumes that consumers will pay for these coats at higher prices compared to the prices of five years past. He grounds this notion on the high price increase in most types of clothing. This is a fictitious assumption because is providing an irrevelant relationship between these clothes to that of the alpaca overcoats. He never states an expedient connection between these clothes to the coats, so the reader is left with a vague relevance. It would be of benefit to the author to provide some statistical data to see which types of clothing have higher prices. It would also be of aid to the reader to see which types of clothing that this notion is based upon using relevant comparision and contrast.

The vice president's conclusions that company profits will increase are based on incongrous assumptions that misrepresent the facts to suit his biased views. The company may as well lose its financial profits just as much as gain them in the renewed selling of these overcoats. He may wish to alleviate the weaknesses in his argument by giving detailed explanations of other brands of overcoats his company sells and present data in the profit or loss of them. He can also look at the company's general economic status five years ago in the area of coats, and observe any current alterations, thus making his forecasts stronger in the process.

ish
08-01-2005, 10:36 AM
Good argument overall. I find the work organised, infinity. Work on your general sentence formation. In a couple of places, this could be stronger. And avoid typos and general grammar mistakes, and you should be fine.



The following appeared in a memo from the new vice president of Sartorian, a company that manufactures men's clothing.

"Five years ago, at a time when we had difficulties in obtaining reliable supplies of high-quality wool fabric, we discontinued production of our deluxe alpaca overcoats. Now that we have a new fabric supplier, we should resume production. This coat should sell very well: since we have not offered an alpaca overcoat for five years and since our major competitor no longer makes an alpaca overcoat, there will be pent-up customer demand. Also, since the price of most types of clothing has risen in each of the past five years, customers should be willing to pay significantly higher prices for alpaca overcoats than they did five years ago, and our company profits will increase."

Though there are some reasonable assertions to make, this argument is riddled with fallacies. The author looks at the facts, yet makes hasty assumptions that deter away from the foundation and can possibly ruin this company financially.
though you may have a point in what you state, never be so definitive in the opening paragraph. you have to stream in your ideas gradually.

An important factor in this argument is the passing of time. The author assumes that because the company has not sold these coats in the past five years, that there will be an interest in them. However, this is faulty logic. The trends from five years ago to the present can drastically change. Though it may have been fiscally unfortunate for the company to stop production of the alpaca overcoats five years ago, the author does not provide enough data to show that the fashion and marketing trends have collectively stayed the same over this fugacious period.
good.

Second, the author assumes that the coat will sell very well because there would not be any major competitors to lure consumer interest away. This is a weak assumption because it relies on the idea that consumers have a continued interest in these coats. This may not be the case. This company may find that consumers find other coats better suited for them. The alpaca overcoats may not offer enough seasonal variety or they may not give enough protection to a cold winter climates. Also, though there are no gripping competition in this brand of overcoats, consumers might have found coats better for them within the five year gap, thus having no more use for these outdated coats.
okay.

Thirdly, the author assumes that consumers will pay for these coats at higher prices compared to the prices of five years past[ago?]. He grounds this notion on the high price increase in most types of clothing. This is a fictitious assumption because is providing[it provides] an irrevelant relationship between these clothes to that of the alpaca overcoats. He never states an expedient connection between these clothes to the coats, so the reader is left with a vague relevance. It would be of benefit to the author to provide some statistical data to see which types of clothing have higher prices. It would also be of aid to the reader to see which types of clothing that this notion is based upon using relevant comparision and contrast.
good.

The vice president's conclusions that company profits will increase are based on incongrous[incogruous] assumptions that misrepresent the facts to suit his biased views. The company may as well lose its financial profits just as much as gain them in the renewed selling of these overcoats. He may wish to alleviate the weaknesses in his argument[you mean, he may strengthen his argument?] by giving detailed explanations of other brands of overcoats his company sells and present data in the profit or loss of them. He can also look at the company's general economic status five years ago in the area of coats, and observe any current alterations, thus making his forecasts stronger in the process.

infinityzero
08-02-2005, 01:28 AM
Hi ish,
Thank you for the review. I will work on what you said.
"He may wish to alleviate the weaknesses in his argument" [you mean, he may strengthen his argument?]
I did mean to say alleviate, but it comes to the same interpretation as you said. I guess either saying works here.

How does this issue response look? I did it within time constraints. My concern is that I only have two examples, though I described them in detail. Is that ok, or do I give more examples and less details in issues? I'm very unsure on this concept and wondering which works better. Hope you can clear it up. Thanks.

"Many people believe that a few individuals or small groups (family, friends, teachers, celebrities, for example) have caused them to think and behave in the way they do. Yet it is always society as a whole that defines us and our attitudes, not a few individuals."

Though it is true that our immediate surroundings are very influential in defining our thoughts and behaviors, society as a whole is still involved. We all seek a support system in our life, a place that we feel we can have total self-acceptance. These are our ken, our mentors, our rolemodels. Yet, strangers we have crossed paths with or have yet to meet will also influence us. Though they do not always define our attitudes, they still make up a distinct part in what we learn from life's teachings.

Take Oprah Winfrey as an example. She came from a poor neighboorhood and a poor family. Yet, she was able to mold her own behavior and opinions. Though she knew of the sacrifices she had undergone compared to others, she was still able to become one of the most prolific women of contemporary time. She had a loving family and close friends. This was her small group. They influenced her thinking and behavior patterns. However, as she grew in her maturity and career, it was society as a whole who started to reshape and mold her attitudes. She took the lessons that she learned from her rolemodels and integrated them with the lessons she learned from society to define herself as an adult.

Another example comes from a drug-addict living on the streets of New York. Jake Warner was abandoned as a baby and lived in various foster homes during his childhood, all of which did not impose good thinking patterns. Jake grew up selling drugs to make money. He did have a few close friends, but they were in similar situation as he was. Yet, Jake still had a desire to learn about the world. He watched various news programs and talk shows and realized there was so much beyond the life he was living. Society as a whole is reflected in this media, and from watching these programs, Jake was able to turn his attitudes and habits around for the better. As Oprah had done, he combined the lessons from his small niche in New York with those from watching the media by taking street smarts to make speeches to high school children across his region on the deadly use of illegal drugs.

There is a world that is bigger than us. Though we pick and choose the people we want to integrate into our lives, we can only learn so much from them. In order to grow and learn, a necessity to quench the human curiousity, we must step beyond our comfort zone and seek the understanding of strangers. This is known as society as a whole. These new experiences challenge us to alter our possible outmoded perspectives on life. Yet, it is not only society which teaches us. A combination of perceptions from our loved ones and strangers must be made to develop a healthy range of ideas and attitudes.

girlonwoods
08-02-2005, 03:48 AM
I am afraid that a lot of Chinese English in my issue, and cannot sure which grade I would get(4?)? Please give me a hand:blush: Appreciate your help!
----------------------------------------
Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student.
----------------------------------------
I agree with the speaker to some extent that education will be truly effective when it comes to meet the individual's interests. However, it would run to an extreme if emphasizes 'only'. After all, from a practical point of view, education only designed to contribute to each student's needs and interests is unrealistic, and perhaps could lead to an unhealthy society.

Admittedly, individual's needs and interests, like the engine in the vehicle, are the most critical continuous factors - perhaps should be the only effective origin - to motivate students to absorb knowledge, explore the unknown, discover the principle. Darwin's example can throw some light to my reason. Although forcing to study to be a physician as his father, his enthusiasm for nature history was never faded and finally MET a famous biologist’s tutoring in the Christ’s College Cambridge where he had to transfer to study for a clergyman urging by his father during his absentminded studying in medical college. This professor’s directing that met Darwin’s interest encouraged Darwin to achieve his revolutionized theory of evolution based on natural selection. Accordingly, every student is a genius when his interest meets the right educating.

However, the student-centered education, particularly designed to meet each student's interest is impractical, let alone effective, in that our social resources of education are limited. As we all know, the number of teachers is much fewer than that of students. If half of the class have different interests from each other, how to implement to satisfy each need? It would almost be disorder for the school, not to mention an individual’s need class. After all, the aim of education is to pass on sufficient knowledge, provide fundamental nature and social sciences, and offer the methods to explore the world. Hence each student has the ability to exploit his own talents and engages in the scope interested. Still, it is the duty of education to teach student how to carry out his own interest mainly by himself, not ‘only’ by teachers.

What’s more, if education ‘only’ panders to individual’s needs and interests, our society will lost its balance, even risks serving to an evil scenario. In case that 99% of the students are eager to study for MBA in order to get a better pay in the future, whether our universities and colleges should cater to the students’ willing to give an ‘truly effective’ education? It should be definitely not. If universities bolster all the 99% student’s MBA dreams, who will foster our social development? Besides, our society is never short of criminal genius, should schools provide a ‘formal factory’ to produce more powerful terrorists through the idealistic ‘truly effective’ student-centered education?

Simply put, in the areas of education endeavor, schools and universities should afford a better circumstance for each student’s needs and interests. Otherwise, education should focus on the knowledge indoctrination and the ability cultivation in order that individual will adapt well to the society in the future.

DevilzShrink
08-02-2005, 03:59 PM
Hey bigduke, this is my first post...would really appreaciate ur comments...



The following appeared in a newspaper…



There is new evidence that the relaxed manner of living in small towns promotes better health and longetivity than does the hectic pace of big city life. Businesses in small town of ABC report fewer sick leaves as compared to nearby city of XYZ. Further ABC has only 1 doctor per 1000 residents while in XYZ the number is 5 times. The avg. age of ABC residents is more than XYZ. These findings suggest that people seeking longer and healthier life should consider moving to a smaller community.



Although it may seem logical to conclude,as per the cited evidences, that people in small towns live a healthier and longer life than their big city contempories, it is important to evaluate the former more thoroughly before suggesting that big city people should move to small towns.



To begin with, it is assumed in the argument that the life in a small town is always easy-going while life in a big city moves at a hectic pace. However, this may not always be the case. The life of a small town farmer, for example, may not really be relaxed in the event of a natural disaster like a flood or an earthquake. Similarly, it is possible that a painter living in a big city who works at his own pace may find his work soothing and relaxing.



Secondly, the argument states that businesses in ABC report fewer days of sick leave than those in XYZ. However it does not mention the nature and number of the businesses targeted in the survey . It is possible that the stated evidence was drawn from a comparison of the employee attendance record of a chemical factory in XYZ and a packaging factory in ABC . The above comparison would obviously be in favor on the ABC as workers in chemical factory are more prone to health hazards.



Also, there is a general belief that a big city job pays much more than the corresponding small town jobs. This obviously leads to more and more people establishing work base in big cities and thus explains the higher physician to resident ratio in the cities.



Again, when stating that average age of residents is more in ABC than in XYZ, the argument fails to mention the nature and size of the surveyed population. It is possible that the survey was carried out during a particular year during which there was a massive epidemic break-out in XYZ which led to a large number of casualties.



Finally, if everyone from big cities start moving to small towns, the small towns will themselves transform into big cities which will defeat the entire purpose of the argument. Thus, in conclusion, though a small town life may seem easy and relaxed, in may not necessarily translate to a healthier and longer life.

jennyp
08-02-2005, 09:16 PM
Howdy Big Duke,

I'm submitting my first essay for grading; please take a look and tell me what you think:

"The greatness of individuals can be decided only by those who live after them, not by their contemporaries."

------------------------------

There is no better test for greatness than the passage of time. Trends and fads fall away leaving only the purveyors of the truly grand ideas, inventions, and intentions of humanity in their wake. It is these ideas and acts that transcend time and place and become a part of the humanity's psyche: bettering and strengthening humanity. As with any rule, however, there are exceptions, and I would argue it is possible for contemporaries to recognize the truly great amongst them.



For the purposes of this argument I will define greatness as those acts and ideas which better humanity as a whole; those which strengthen it and lift it to a higher level of consciousness and purpose. This can be achieved through science, politics, the arts, the humanities, and sport. It can be accomplished either by those who have a sense of what they are doing or by those who are unaware of the full impact their actions will have in the years and millennia to come.



Just as there are many who don't recognize their own efforts as great, there are those who are convinced of their own greatness and who are able to also convince their contemporaries of this fact. Look at the legions who in fell in step with Hitler during the 1930s. The Nazi leader offered a solution, hope to a beleaguered nation of Germans, but no one would argue in hindsight that he was a great man. He was larger than life, perhaps, but his views of the world had nothing to do with greatness as defined above.



Another example of time setting straight an artificial record of greatness can be found in the case of Mao Tse Tung. During the Cultural Revolution many regarded him as a great man. How could he not be? His ideas reshaped an entire nation, bringing it into a more peaceful, productive, and modern era. But through time we can see that this view of China was only a facade and that his ideas have perhaps done more harm than good.



On the other hand, there have been many great thinkers whose contributions to society were only recognized long after their death. One of the world's greatest composers, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, died destitute and alone. His gift to humanity will float through the ages and influence people long after the memory of his patrons has faded into nothingness.



These examples have highlighted the two extremes of the ability of people to recognize greatness in their midst. But there are some whose greatness is so patent that it is impossible to ignore. The most recent example of this type of greatness is Mother Theresa. The tiny nun offered no great concept or scientific discovery to humanity, but she offered something bigger: an allegory of humanity itself. Her self-sacrifice to help those in need reminds us of the true pinnacle of what we can be and what we can achieve. It would be hard to argue that her contributions to humanity were anything but great.



Through studying examples such as these, we can see the difficulty in judging the greatness of our contemporaries. There are many factors which cloud ones view of greatness, however, there are some whose greatness shines so bright it can be perceived without the clearing winds of time.

Thanks for your time,

jennyp

HCintern
08-04-2005, 11:28 AM
Hey Big Duke, I have noticed the backlog and I totally sympathize. However, my exam is in 12 days. A quick evaluation will be extremly appreicaited. Thanks!


“In bygone days, many people received whatever musical education they acquired by singing around the parlor piano. In the age of recorded music and the Internet, people can learn as much by listening as they can by singing.”


One cannot undermine the importance of instruction when it concerns imbibing knowledge. This knowledge could be in any form- be it a mathematics or music. However, once the basic principles of a discipline are acquired, an individual is at liberty to experiment. Moreover, this individual finds it easier to assimilate advanced forms of this knowledge than a novice who is without any instruction. Thus, the cardinal notion here is that you need initial guidance to excel in or experiment in a particular discipline.

Moreover, for a discipline like music where you need another ear to ascertain if you can carry the note or not, learning music through the Internet can be futile. However, if a certain individual has been trained in classical music and gets exposure to different genres through the Internet, he or she can develop an extensive taste for and knowledge of music. This undoubtedly, will prove beneficial to a trained musician. However, to expect a novice to pick up the intricacies of opera or the beat of Caribbean folk music is preposterous.

On the other hand, to assume that an individual is trained musically by singing around the parlor piano is also misleading. True, one can learn age-old songs and tunes, however, unlike learning music from recorded tapes and CDs, this method is listening

as well as singing based. Thus a two-fold impact is made on the mind. Since, in the case of the parlor piano chorus, you have company of others to correct and guide you. You also learn to work with a group. You understand how to sing in unison and with harmony. Songs like “Auld Lang Syne” and “Que Sera Sera” have been passed down from generation to generation by singing around a piano. There is more associated with these songs than just musical education. These songs hold within them collective memories and celebrations. For instance, everyone in the past would belt out “Auld Lang Syne” as the clock struck mid-night on New Year’s eve. Similarly, Christmas carols would be hummed by millions as mid-December approached. Families would gather around a piano and sing together and thus a sense of community would be built. Sailors sang chanteys on ships to coordinate their work. Once again music was used to build a sense of community. Thus, singing together had a dual purpose, one of community building and the other obviously of musical education and appreciation.

The Internet has proved to be a treasure trove for musicians who want to attain a wider range of musical experience. However, the musician can never be assured of his or her adeptness, if there is no audience to hear his or her music. Besides, as the old adage goes “Practice makes perfect”, a person has to practice singing amidst other musically inclined individuals rather than just listening to CDs to perfect his or her musical ability. Thus singing around a piano can prove to be more beneficial than listening to Internet music.

I did not format this essay so there is a structural error in the body. I cannot figure out how to amend it.

bigduke
08-04-2005, 05:23 PM
hmmm this might come as bad news to a few of you but Bigduke's gotten busy with a new ful-time job at a reputable local web development firm so I might not be able to provide you people with the guidance I used to. I'll only be getting sundays off so Ish would be helping you folks out.

Cheers all!

DevilzShrink
08-05-2005, 08:15 AM
well ish..it seems u are in charge...got my GRE in 4 days...wud really appreciate ur comments on my earlier argument...thnks

ish
08-05-2005, 03:45 PM
Infiinty, having only two examples does not seem to be a problem per se in this essay, because it still is of a decent length. Just make sure your examples are top notch, no matter how many you provide.


"Many people believe that a few individuals or small groups (family, friends, teachers, celebrities, for example) have caused them to think and behave in the way they do. Yet it is always society as a whole that defines us and our attitudes, not a few individuals."

Though it is true that our immediate surroundings are very influential in defining our thoughts and behaviors[behaviour], society as a whole is still involved[modify. it sounds very blunt]. We all seek a support system in our life, a place that we feel we can have total self-acceptance. These are[This support system is made of] our ken, our mentors, our rolemodels. Yet, strangers we have crossed paths with or have yet to meet will also influence us. Though they do not always define our attitudes, they still make up a distinct part in what we learn from life's teachings.
good.


Take Oprah Winfrey as an example. She came from a poor neighboorhood and a poor family. Yet, she was able to mold[mould] her own behavior and opinions. Though she knew of the[Despite the] sacrifices she had undergone compared to others, she was still able to become one of the most prolific women of contemporary times. She had a loving family and close friends. This was her small group. They influenced her thinking and behavior patterns. However, as she grew in her maturity and career, it was society as a whole who started to reshape and mold her attitudes. She took the lessons that she learned from her rolemodels and integrated them with the lessons she learned from society to define herself as an adult.
it sounds okay, on the whole. But still, there could be better examples than this. You need not look for famous personalities or situations. Even a small time incident or a regular person could make up a better example, if they fit better into the situation. Think about it. :)

Another example comes from a drug-addict living on the streets of New York. Jake Warner was abandoned as a baby and lived in various foster homes during his childhood, all of which did not impose[inculcate] good thinking patterns. Jake grew up selling drugs to make money. He did have a few close friends, but they were in similar situation as he was. Yet, Jake still had a desire to learn about the world. He watched various news programs and talk shows and realized there was so much beyond the life he was living. Society as a whole is reflected in this media, and from watching these programs, Jake was able to turn his attitudes and habits around for the better. As Oprah had done, he combined the lessons from his small niche in New York with those from watching the media by taking street smarts[?] to make speeches to high school children across his region on the deadly use of illegal drugs.
better example, i think, than the previous one.

There is a world that is bigger than us. Though we pick and choose the people we want to integrate into our lives, we can only learn so much from them. In order to grow and learn, a necessity to quench the human curiousity, we must step beyond our comfort zone and seek the understanding of strangers. This is known as society as a whole.[redundant here] These new experiences challenge us to alter our possible[possibly] outmoded perspectives on life. Yet, it is not only society which teaches us. A combination of perceptions from our loved ones and strangers must be made to develop a healthy range of ideas and attitudes.
good ending.




well ish..it seems u are in charge...got my GRE in 4 days...wud really appreciate ur comments on my earlier argument...thnks
Hi. Well. This makes it a bit tight for me..I shall try to finish all the backlog by this weekend.

ish
08-06-2005, 10:35 AM
Girl on woods,
I understand that your ideas are good, but you have to work on your language if you want to communicate them effectively. pick another topic and give it a go.
good luck!



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Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student.
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I agree with the speaker to some[the]xtent that education will be truly effective when it comes to meet the individual's interests. However, it would run to an extreme if emphasizes 'only'.[modify the sentence] After all, from a practical point of view, education only designed[reverse the order] to contribute to each student's needs and interests is unrealistic, and perhaps could lead to an unhealthy society.[dont make such claims. if you have to make such statements, try giving reasons for them. also, dont be very strong in the intro. ]


Admittedly, individual's needs and interests, like the engine in the vehicle, are the most critical continuous[cut] factors - perhaps should be the only effective origin - to motivate students to absorb knowledge, explore the unknown, discover the principle. Darwin's example can throw some light to my reason. Although forcing to study to be a physician as his father, his enthusiasm for nature history was never faded and finally MET a famous biologist’s tutoring in the Christ’s College Cambridge where he had to transfer to study for a clergyman urging by his father during his absentminded studying in medical college. This professor’s directing that met Darwin’s interest encouraged Darwin to achieve his revolutionized theory of evolution based on natural selection. Accordingly, every student is a genius when his interest meets the right educating.

However, the student-centered education, particularly designed to meet each student's interest is impractical, let alone effective,[cut] in that our social resources of education are limited. As we all know, the number of teachers is much fewer than that of students. If half of the class have different interests from each other, how to implement to[cut] satisfy each need? It would almost be disorder for the school, not to mention an individual’s need class[modify]. After all, the aim of education is to pass on sufficient knowledge, provide fundamental nature[edit] and social sciences, and offer the methods to explore the world. Hence each student has the ability to exploit his own talents and engages in the scope interested. Still, it is the duty of education to teach student how to carry out his own interest mainly by himself, not ‘only’ by teachers.
good ideas. this is a very long paragraph. the darwin example is a good one. but you can split the last few lines from this and make a new paragraph, in my opinion. it might make this seem more organised.

What’s more, if education ‘only’ panders to individual’s needs and interests, our society will lost[lose] its balance, even risks serving to an evil scenario.[again, try not to make blanket statements like these if you cannot give specific examples. avoid cliches.] In case that 99% of the students are eager to study for MBA in order to get a better pay in the future, whether our universities and colleges should cater to the students’ willing to give an ‘truly effective’ education? It should be definitely not.[modify] If universities bolster all the 99% student’s MBA dreams, who will foster our social development? [it does not mean that social development will be neglected if this is done. you cannot really assume that.] Besides, our society is never short of criminal genius, should schools provide a ‘formal factory’ to produce more powerful terrorists through the idealistic ‘truly effective’ student-centered education?[ seems vague. and also, a bit digressive. modify this or remove it from the essay]
i think you can improve this paragraph. try working on it a bit more.

Simply put, in the areas of education endeavor[cut], schools and universities should afford a better circumstance for each student’s needs and interests.[but you just mentioned that catering to individual needs would not be very practical in the first paragraph. you are contradicting that. be moderate, and explain this a bit more.] Otherwise, education should focus on the knowledge indoctrination and the ability cultivation in order that individual will adapt well to the society in the future
[this does not seem very clear to me.]


.

DevilzShrink,
good analysis overall. Work on your sentences. Some of them seem too blunt.




The following appeared in a newspaper…



There is new evidence that the relaxed manner of living in small towns promotes better health and longetivity than does the hectic pace of big city life. Businesses in small town of ABC report fewer sick leaves as compared to nearby city of XYZ. Further ABC has only 1 doctor per 1000 residents while in XYZ the number is 5 times. The avg. age of ABC residents is more than XYZ. These findings suggest that people seeking longer and healthier life should consider moving to a smaller community.



Although it may seem logical to conclude,as per the cited evidences, that people in small towns live a healthier and longer life than their big city contempories, it is important to evaluate the former more thoroughly before suggesting that big city people should move to small towns.
work on a better intro. seems too blunt to me. you have finished this in one huge sentence!avoid that.



To begin with, it is assumed in the argument that the life in a small town is always easy-going while life in a big city moves at a hectic pace. However, this may not always be the case. The life of a small town farmer, for example, may not really be relaxed in the event of a natural disaster like a flood or an earthquake.[not a very good example. no one is relaxed in times of calamity. think of something else, maybe? :) ] Similarly, it is possible that a painter living in a big city who works at his own pace may find his work soothing and relaxing. [this one is much better]



Secondly, the argument states that businesses in ABC report fewer days of sick leave than those in XYZ. However it does not mention the nature and number of the businesses targeted in the survey . It is possible that the stated evidence was drawn from a comparison of the employee attendance record of a chemical factory in XYZ and a packaging factory in ABC . The above comparison would obviously be in favor on the ABC as workers in chemical factory are more prone to health hazards.
good point



Also, there is a general belief that a big city job pays much more than the corresponding small town jobs. This obviously leads to more and more people establishing work base in big cities and thus explains the higher physician to resident ratio in the cities.
but you have to develop this idea further and state that having less doctors in a place does not necessarily mean fewer sick people. develop it further.



Again, when stating that average age of residents is more in ABC than in XYZ, the argument fails to mention the nature and size of the surveyed population. It is possible that the survey was carried out during a particular year during which there was a massive epidemic break-out in XYZ which led to a large number of casualties.
good.



Finally, if everyone from big cities start moving to small towns, the small towns will themselves transform into big cities which will defeat the entire purpose of the argument. [cut the "defeat the purpose" line. not needed here]Thus, in conclusion, though a small town life may seem easy and relaxed, in may not necessarily translate to a healthier and longer life.
okay




and add a few lines about what, in your opinion, would have strengthened this argument. that always helps.

DevilzShrink
08-06-2005, 11:59 AM
hey ISH...thanks a lot..i can see that u have put in a lot of effort on this...really appreciate ur comments:)...keep rockin'...

girlonwoods
08-07-2005, 03:13 AM
I will take the GRE Analytical Writting Exam on August 15.
Only 7 days left, but I am not so confident in it:(
I will revise this issue according to your comments.
The following is my 2nd argument, hope you could grade it again, thank you Ish!


From a draft textbook manuscript submitted to a publisher.
'As Earth was being formed out of the collision of space rocks, the heat from those collisions and from the increasing gravitational energy of the planet made the entire planet molten, even the surface. Any water present would have evaporated and gone off into space. As the planet approached its current size, however, its gravitation became strong enough to hold gases and water vapor around it as an atmosphere. Because comets are largely ice made up of frozen water and gases, a comet striking Earth then would have vaporized. The resulting water vapor would have been retained in the atmosphere, eventually falling as rain on the cooled and solidified surface of Earth. Therefore, the water in Earth's oceans must have originated from comets.'


In this argument, the arguer reasons from the entirely molting of the Earth, and the wholly evaporating of the water from the earth at the same time before approaching current size, to the ability to hold enough water vapor in its atmosphere after approaching current size, and the possible striking on the Earth of a comet which made up with ice, then asserts that the water in Earth's oceans must have originated from comets. This argument is well presented, but poorly deduced, and riddled with fallacies.

Firstly, the arguer provides no firm evidences that the entirely Earth is molten all along, meanwhile all the water evaporated before the Earth approached its current size due to the collision and the increasing gravity. Perhaps 50% of the space rocks never melt and the water stored in their self at the beginning. Or perhaps the tremendous high temperature and pressure deeply down the Earth contribute to the chemical reactions between oxygen and hydrogen, which provide a large amounts of water existed together with the molten substances inside the Earth. Either scenario, if true, would cast considerable doubt on the arguer's assertion that the water in Earth's oceans must have originated from comets.

Secondly, even if the Earth was entirely molten and all the water evaporated before the Earth approached its current size, the arguer accomplishes nothing toward bolstering the assumption that comets collided the Earth after it got the current size. It is equally possible that other numerous celestial bodies such as asteroids continuously struck the Earth and fell down on its surface with water stored in them. And also from the common sense, the gravity of the Earth during its 'growing' would always hold certain amount of gases and water vapor around it as an atmosphere from the space, which consisted of not merely the comet's water vapor. Hence, these two explanations would seriously undermine the assertion of the ocean's origin.

Finally, admitted that all the deductions and assumptions above are substantiated, the arguer provides no clear evidences to convince us that the number of comets' striking is enough to account for the origin of the oceans. As we all know, over 70% of the surface is water. If the collisions of the comets are insufficient for the ocean's origin, perhaps the volcanic eruptions are responsible for the water streams that form the primitive oceans. Without ruling out this possibility, it would serve to discredit the oceans origin from the comets.

In conclusion, this argument relies on several specious assumptions and reasoning that render it unconvincing as it stand. To buttress the assertion the arguer should provide more reliable evidences.

ish
08-08-2005, 03:26 PM
good work Jenny!



"The greatness of individuals can be decided only by those who live after them, not by their contemporaries."

------------------------------

There is no better test for greatness than the passage of time.[dont be so definitive in the opening para. avoid that.] Trends and fads fall away leaving only the purveyors of the truly grand ideas, inventions, and intentions of humanity in their wake. It is these ideas and acts that transcend time and place and become a part of the humanity's psyche: bettering and strengthening humanity. As with any rule, however, there are exceptions, and I would argue it is possible for contemporaries to recognize the truly great amongst them.
good use of words. but you tend to come on too strong sometimes. try to mellow it down here and there.



For the purposes of this argument[why do you need this sentence exactly? and it isnt strictly an argument...edit this part.] I will define greatness as those acts and ideas which better humanity as a whole; those which strengthen it and lift it to a higher level of consciousness and purpose.[very good sentence. other than the first part...edit that] This can be achieved through science, politics, the arts, the humanities, and sport. It can be accomplished either by those who have a sense of what they are doing or by those who are unaware of the full impact their actions will have in the years and millennia to come.
good. but dont devote so much space to the defn of greatness. you have already finished two paras without starting on the actual topic.



Just as there are many who don't recognize their own efforts as great, there are those who are convinced of their own greatness and who are able to also convince their contemporaries of this fact. Look at the legions who in fell in step with Hitler during the 1930s. The Nazi leader offered a solution, hope to a beleaguered nation of Germans, but no one would argue in hindsight that he was a great man [edit.]. He was larger than life, perhaps, but his views of the world had nothing to do with greatness as defined above.
okay.



Another example of time setting straight an artificial record of greatness can be found in the case of Mao Tse Tung. During the Cultural Revolution many regarded him as a great man. How could he not be? His ideas reshaped an entire nation, bringing it into a more peaceful, productive, and modern era. But through time we can see that this view of China was only a facade and that his ideas have perhaps done more harm than good.
okay.



On the other hand, there have been many great thinkers whose contributions to society were only recognized long after their death. One of the world's greatest composers, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, died destitute and alone. His gift to humanity will float through the ages and influence people long after the memory of his patrons has faded into nothingness.
good prose. good point. but avoid making ALL your sentences long. though this may probably be the way you write spontaneously, try to mix it up. :)



These examples have highlighted the two extremes of the ability of people to recognize greatness in their midst. But there are some whose greatness is so patent that it is impossible to ignore. The most recent example of this type of greatness is Mother Theresa. The tiny nun offered no great concept or scientific discovery to humanity, but she offered something bigger: an allegory of humanity itself. Her self-sacrifice to help those in need reminds us of the true pinnacle of what we can be and what we can achieve. It would be hard to argue that her contributions to humanity were anything but great.
very good.



Through studying examples such as these, we can see the difficulty in judging the greatness of our contemporaries. There are many factors which cloud ones view of greatness, however, there are some whose greatness shines so bright it can be perceived without the clearing winds of time.
good ending.






HCintern, this is not an easy topic. I understand that giving concrete examples to this can be a little tricky.. As far as structure of the essay goes, read the first two paragraphs again and see if you can find the similarity. Try integrating them into one effective para. You do not need to repeat in order to emphasise your points. :)
Keep writing and good luck!







“In bygone days, many people received whatever musical education they acquired by singing around the parlor piano. In the age of recorded music and the Internet, people can learn as much by listening as they can by singing.”


One cannot undermine the importance of instruction when it concerns imbibing knowledge. This knowledge could be in any form- be it a[cut] mathematics or music. However, once the basic principles of a discipline are acquired, an individual is at liberty to experiment. Moreover, this individual finds it easier to assimilate advanced forms of this knowledge than a novice who is without any instruction[redundant]. Thus, the cardinal notion[a better word?] here is that you need initial guidance to excel in or experiment in a particular discipline.
okay.

Moreover, for a discipline like music where you need another ear to ascertain if you can carry the note or not, learning music through the Internet can be futile. However, if a certain individual has been trained in classical music and gets exposure to different genres through the Internet, he or she can develop an extensive taste for and knowledge of music. This undoubtedly, will prove beneficial to a trained musician. However, to expect a novice to pick up the intricacies of opera or the beat of Caribbean folk music is preposterous.
okay, but you are essentially repeating what you have mentioned in the introductory paragraph...

On the other hand, to assume that an individual is trained musically by singing around the parlor piano is also misleading. True, one can learn age-old songs and tunes, however, unlike learning music from recorded tapes and CDs, this method is listening as well as singing based. Thus a two-fold impact is made on the mind. Since, in the case of the parlor piano chorus, you have company of others to correct and guide you. You also learn to work with a group. You understand how to sing in unison and with harmony. Songs like “Auld Lang Syne” and “Que Sera Sera” have been passed down from generation to generation by singing around a piano. There is more associated with these songs than just musical education. These songs hold within them collective memories and celebrations. For instance, everyone in the past would belt out “Auld Lang Syne” as the clock struck mid-night on New Year’s eve. Similarly, Christmas carols would be hummed by millions as mid-December approached. Families would gather around a piano and sing together and thus a sense of community would be built. Sailors sang chanteys on ships to coordinate their work. Once again music was used to build a sense of community. Thus, singing together had a dual purpose, one of community building and the other obviously of musical education and appreciation.
okay. but i think you should shorten this para. Its good, but shorten it.

The Internet has proved to be a treasure trove for musicians who want to attain a wider range of musical experience. However, the musician can never be assured of his or her adeptness, if there is no audience to hear his or her music.[being someone who sings myself, i find it hard to accept your view, but you are entitled to your view. :) do you sing?] Besides, as the old adage goes “Practice makes perfect”, a person has to practice singing amidst other musically inclined individuals rather than just listening to CDs to perfect his or her musical ability. Thus singing around a piano can prove to be more beneficial than listening to Internet music.
good.

jennyp
08-08-2005, 03:59 PM
Hey Ish,

Thanks a lot for your input...I found your remarks very helpful and I appreciate it!

Cheers,

jennyp

biotechwiz
08-08-2005, 04:27 PM
Pls evaluate my essay (its my 1st one).


“the positive effects of competition in a society far outweigh its negative effects”


In today’s competitive world, all of us are running a rat race in different ways – to climb up the social ladder, to garner wealth in as short a time as possible or to be acknowledged and recognized by people. This rat race mentality arises because of the undue importance given to competition. A direct fallout of this is that the negative effects of competition eclipse the positive ones.



The idea of competition was initially mooted to provide people with an incentive; a motivation to work and achieve a goal. For example, in sports, the competitive nature of the game drives the sportsman to bring out the best in him. The competitive spirit of sports tempers him to accept defeat and success with the same equanimity. Without competition, there would be absolutely no motivation for any sportsman to push himself to the limit.

However, if a person takes competition very seriously, the negative effects dominate over the positive ones. Consider the case of children in schools – competitions conducted in sports, arts and academics kindle an interest in the child. The competitive spirit inherent in schools will stimulate a child to perform; but if the emphasis is laid on results alone, it could spur an inferiority complex in children who ‘don’t shine’ in the competitions. Jealousy and other negative feelings are noticed in such cases and could permanently mar a child’s psyche.

At the work place, competition amongst groups within the same organization is used to boost employee performance and morale. But again, excessive pressure to meet performance targets and deadlines could prove detrimental to the health of the employees and defeat the basic purpose of competition. The increased incidence of stress related diseases such as hypertension, increased blood pressure, stroke and increased risk of cardiac attacks is a pointer towards this fact.



Finally in conclusion, while competition is an essential part of our society, we should be wise enough to take competition in the right spirit and play along. Failure to do so will lead to a situation wherein the negative effects far outweigh the positive effects.

ish
08-08-2005, 05:38 PM
you have good ideas. read earlier essays and remarks in the forum. shorten your sentences. that will do you a lot of good. pick another argument. maybe an easier one, and give it a shot, just for the sake of language... that needs more work.



From a draft textbook manuscript submitted to a publisher.
'As Earth was being formed out of the collision of space rocks, the heat from those collisions and from the increasing gravitational energy of the planet made the entire planet molten, even the surface. Any water present would have evaporated and gone off into space. As the planet approached its current size, however, its gravitation became strong enough to hold gases and water vapor around it as an atmosphere. Because comets are largely ice made up of frozen water and gases, a comet striking Earth then would have vaporized. The resulting water vapor would have been retained in the atmosphere, eventually falling as rain on the cooled and solidified surface of Earth. Therefore, the water in Earth's oceans must have originated from comets.'


In this argument, the arguer reasons from the entirely molting[melting] of the Earth, and the wholly evaporating of[evaporation of] the water from the earth at the same time before approaching current size, to the ability to hold enough water vapor in its atmosphere after approaching current size, and the possible striking on the Earth of a comet which made up with ice, then asserts that the water in Earth's oceans must have originated from comets. This argument is well presented, but poorly deduced, and riddled with fallacies.
you need not paraphrase [state in different words] the entire argument in your opening paragraph at all. just give a couple of lines explaining what the argument says and move on.

Firstly, the arguer provides no firm evidences that the entirely Earth is molten all along, meanwhile all the water evaporated before the Earth approached its current size due to the collision and the increasing gravity. Perhaps 50% of the space rocks never melt and the water stored in their self at the beginning. Or perhaps the tremendous high temperature and pressure deeply down the Earth contribute to the chemical reactions between oxygen and hydrogen, which provide a large amounts of water existed together with the molten substances inside the Earth. Either scenario, if true, would cast considerable doubt on the arguer's assertion that the water in Earth's oceans must have originated from comets.
please try to write smaller sentences. your ideas get lost when you stretch a sentence. small is good. remember that.

Secondly, even if the Earth was entirely molten and all the water evaporated before the Earth approached its current size, the arguer accomplishes nothing toward bolstering the assumption that comets collided the Earth after it got the current size. It is equally possible that other numerous celestial bodies such as asteroids continuously struck the Earth and fell down on its surface with water stored in them. And also from the common sense, the gravity of the Earth during its 'growing' would always hold certain amount of gases and water vapor around it as an atmosphere from the space, which consisted of not merely the comet's water vapor. Hence, these two explanations would seriously undermine the assertion of the ocean's origin.
much better than the last one. again, dont let your language compromise your ideas, as i said in your first essay.

Finally, admitted that all the deductions and assumptions above are substantiated, the arguer provides no clear evidences to convince us that the number of comets' striking is enough to account for the origin of the oceans. As we all know, over 70% of the surface is water. If the collisions of the comets are insufficient for the ocean's origin, perhaps the volcanic eruptions are responsible for the water streams that form the primitive oceans. Without ruling out this possibility, it would serve to discredit the oceans origin from the comets.

In conclusion, this argument relies on several specious assumptions and reasoning that render it unconvincing as it stand. To buttress the assertion the arguer should provide more reliable evidences.[though it is not strictly necessary, you could try to think of one or two points that may have strengthened the argument.]

HCintern
08-08-2005, 09:31 PM
Hey Ish!
A feedback would definately give me perspective on where I need to improve. Shall really appreciate your input.
Thanks,
AK!

“If rituals did not exist, we would have to invent them. We need ceremonies and rituals to help us define ourselves socially and culturally.”



It is human propensity to forge an identity for oneself. This identity could be, as stated, socially pertinent or culturally influenced, it could be related to an individual’s sexual orientation or intellectual inquiry. However, this compulsion to define oneself is inveterate and therefore we observe rituals and customs to accentuate and celebrate our identity.

Where we come from, determines predominantly who we are. Thus, even though we might reside thousands of miles from our country of origin or might have economically prospered to a different socio-economic strata, we continue to identify with our origin. This identification is apparent in Diasporas around the world. Be it the Jewish Diaspora or the South Asian displacement, these ethnic groups have kept alive their culture and traditions by means of rituals and ceremonies. Bar mitzvah celebrates the manhood of every thirteen-year-old Jewish boy, irrespective of his geographic location. Thus, this coming-of-age ceremony, links a teenage boy in United States of America to that of Israel. Even though, these boys are of different nationalities, they culturally identify with each other as a result of this ceremony.

Similarly, Indian festivals of Diwali and Holi are celebrated with equal extravagance both in New York and New Delhi. In actuality, these Hindu festivals in New York lose their religious association and attain an ethnic or cultural definition for the South Asian expatriate. Owing to the fact that these festivals are a celebration of the South Asian identity in New York, an identity which is culturally diverse and therefore in need of recognition. Another attempt of the South Asian Diaspora to define itself is the emergence of Bhangra-Hip-Hop parties and bands around the United State of America. Again, an endeavor by the South Asian youth to define their culture and experiences, however, this time on their own terms. By accepting their roots and incorporating it with their experiences, they invented a new genre of music. Similarly, Mehandi nights at US colleges is another “invented” custom to celebrate the South Asian cultural identity.

This South Asian “musical genre” and “style” is reminiscent of the Hip-Hop phenomenon of the mid-eighties in South Bronx. Hip-Hop and graffiti art were attempts by the African-American youth to reclaim their identity. The Hip-Hop artists had interesting rituals of “graffiti tags” that adorned the New York metros. These colorful tags screamed for attention and got just that. Break-dancing and Rap competitions altered the social scene of New York City by giving the African-American youth the recognition that they claimed. Thus, another identity was strengthened and this time around, it was by the creation of a whole different way of being and expressing.

Therefore, rituals, customs and celebrations emphasize identity. When an identity is under threat, bold variants of it emerge and are expressed. New rituals arise that attract attention. Thus, the human tendency to celebrate oneself survives and thrives.

girlonwoods
08-09-2005, 03:55 AM
Hi Ish! Really appreciate your kindness! I'll try my best to improve my language.
Best!

ish
08-10-2005, 06:01 PM
good work Briotech. Work on the intro and I think you will be fine. :)




“the positive effects of competition in a society far outweigh its negative effects”


In today’s competitive world[avoid opening statements like these...cliches..], all of us are running a rat race in different ways – to climb up the social ladder, to garner wealth in as short a time as possible or to be acknowledged and recognized by people. This rat race mentality arises because of the undue importance given to competition. A direct fallout of this is that the negative effects of competition eclipse the positive ones.
too definitive. try mellowing it down a bit. NEVER reveal your stand so loudly in the opening paragraph.



The idea of competition was initially mooted to provide people with an incentive; a motivation to work and achieve a goal. For example, in sports, the competitive nature of the game drives the sportsman to bring out the best in him. The competitive spirit of sports tempers him to accept defeat and success with the same equanimity. Without competition, there would be absolutely no motivation for any sportsman to push himself to the limit.
okay

However, if a person takes competition very seriously, the negative effects dominate over[cut] the positive ones. Consider the case of children in schools – competitions conducted in sports, arts and academics kindle an interest in the child. The competitive spirit inherent in schools will stimulate a child to perform; but if the emphasis is laid on results alone, it could spur an inferiority complex in children who ‘don’t shine’ in the competitions. Jealousy and other negative feelings are noticed in such cases and could permanently mar a child’s psyche.
good

At the work place, competition amongst groups within the same organization is used to boost employee performance and morale. But again, excessive pressure to meet performance targets and deadlines could prove detrimental to the health of the employees and defeat the basic purpose of competition. The increased incidence of stress related diseases such as hypertension, increased blood pressure, stroke and increased risk of cardiac attacks is a pointer towards this fact.
good



Finally in conclusion, while competition is an essential part of our society, we should be wise enough to take competition in the right spirit and play along. Failure to do so will lead to a situation wherein the negative effects far outweigh the positive effects.
very good ending



I really like this. You have shown an impressive range of knowledge here, AK. good job!



“If rituals did not exist, we would have to invent them. We need ceremonies and rituals to help us define ourselves socially and culturally.”



It is human propensity to forge an identity for oneself. This identity could be, as stated, socially pertinent or culturally influenced, it could be related to an individual’s sexual orientation or intellectual inquiry. However, this compulsion to define oneself is inveterate and therefore we observe rituals and customs to accentuate and celebrate our identity.
wow.

Where we come from, [could you improve this? I am sure you can.}determines predominantly who we are. Thus, even though we might reside thousands of miles from our country of origin or might have economically prospered to a different socio-economic strata, we continue to identify with our origin. This identification is apparent in Diasporas around the world. Be it the Jewish Diaspora or the South Asian displacement, these ethnic groups have kept alive their culture and traditions by means of rituals and ceremonies. Bar mitzvah celebrates the manhood of every thirteen-year-old Jewish boy, irrespective of his geographic location. Thus, this coming-of-age ceremony, links a teenage boy in United States of America to that of Israel. Even though,[no comma] these boys are of different nationalities, they culturally identify with each other as a result of this ceremony.
good.

Similarly, Indian festivals of Diwali and Holi are celebrated with equal extravagance both in New York and New Delhi. In actuality, these Hindu festivals in New York lose their religious association and attain an ethnic or cultural definition for the South Asian expatriate. Owing to the fact that these festivals are a celebration of the South Asian identity in New York, an identity which is culturally diverse and therefore in need of recognition. Another attempt of the South Asian Diaspora to define itself is the emergence of Bhangra-Hip-Hop parties and bands around the United States of America. Again, an endeavour by the South Asian youth to define their culture and experiences, however, this time on their own terms[edit this sentence]. By accepting their roots and incorporating it with their experiences, they invented a new genre of music. Similarly, Mehandi nights at US colleges is another “invented” custom to celebrate the South Asian cultural identity.
okay

This South Asian “musical genre” and “style” is reminiscent of the Hip-Hop phenomenon of the mid-eighties in South Bronx. Hip-Hop and graffiti art were attempts by the African-American youth to reclaim their identity. The Hip-Hop artists had interesting rituals of “graffiti tags” that adorned the New York metros. These colorful tags screamed for attention and got just that. Break-dancing and Rap competitions altered the social scene of New York City by giving the African-American youth the recognition that they claimed. Thus, another identity was strengthened and this time around, it was by the creation of a whole different way of being and expressing.
okay

Therefore, rituals, customs and celebrations emphasize identity. When an identity is under threat, bold variants of it emerge and are expressed. New rituals arise that attract attention. Thus, the human tendency to celebrate oneself survives and thrives.
again, a striking ending.



There. No backlog now. :) :) :)

HCintern
08-11-2005, 08:10 AM
Gracias Ish!

biotechwiz
08-14-2005, 06:12 AM
thanks a lot ish, for the kind review. will work on more essays.
can i post them here or do i post in a topic specific thread?

ish
08-14-2005, 09:58 AM
i will see them if you post it here biotech.

samy_dg
08-14-2005, 02:06 PM
Hi ish, all the best for your toefl.:)
Will you please comment on this one?


"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."



The annals of history is sated with stories of kings and queens, of emperors and dukes; of their prodigious exploits, of their hard-fought conquests and gory battles. However, how significant their achivements may be; none would have been actualised without the assistance of others.Among all the things that we consider important in our past, perhaps none would have been possible without the ordinary people, whose names are nowhere recorded, but who are the ultimate heroes in the advancement of human civilization.

The earliest, but undoubtably the biggest leap in man’s journey from ignorance to enlightenment came with the discovery of fire. No history book can tell us anything of the person who, for the first time, perhaps accidentally rubbed to flintstones together and lit the first sparkle that changed civilization forever. We don’t know who were the first farmers, the people to make the historic transition from being food gatherers to food producers. Nor do we know the people to use boats, or the potter’s wheel, or the sewing needle. These inventions revolutionarised mankind’s standard of living, and laid the foundation of all good things that followed.

All the greatest military conquests where made possible not only by the excellent commanders and leaders, but also by the selfless sacrifices of ordinary men. The victories of Pharao Rameses II, Alexander the Great or Julius Ceaser are written in history as their personal achivements, but the names of these monarchs would have been long lost in the lists of thousands of other rulers, if they did not have armies which fought with the paragon of loyalty and fortitude. The Great Pyramid, the Sphynx or the Parthenon where created by by the sweat and blood of millions of craftsmen, the names of whom nobody cared to write down. Shah Jahan’s dream would have remained but a dream if he did not have the highly skilled architects and sculptors who built the Taj Mahal.

All the events that changed the shape of the world and the course of world history would never have happened without the involvement of ordinary people. Rousseau’s essays would have gone in vain if the common man refused to come forward to bring the French Revolution. The fight for America’s independence could have lead to different results if the citizens did not respond to George Washington’s leadership. And World War II might have never taken place if the whole of Germany had not supported Hitler’s ideas during the late 1930’s.

All the incidents that have influenced future generations and the legacy of which we still bear where caused by the common man; either individually or by mass involvement. From the dawn of human civilization till modern times it is this common man who has played the most significant role in determining the course of events. From the migration of early man from Africa in prehistoric times till the development of the first atom bomb; all big events in man’s history, either good or bad, where brought about by long-forgotten individuals.

Thanking you in advance,
Sam.

ish
08-15-2005, 01:35 PM
Hi Sam :)
Okay. In two places, while listing names of emperors..and such, you have used "or" instead of "and". A couple of typos.
Other than that, I like your work a lot. There are a lot of good, valid examples and your use of words is also impressive. Good job.
And about those 2 places, I shall get back to you soon.




"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."



The annals of history is sated with[I havent heard of such usage before, sam, but I could be wrong. Let me check it out.] stories of kings and queens, of emperors and dukes; of their prodigious exploits, of their hard-fought conquests and gory battles. However, how significant their achivements may be; none would have been actualised without the assistance of others.Among all the things that we consider important in our past, perhaps none would have been possible without the ordinary people, whose names are nowhere recorded, but who are the ultimate heroes in the advancement of human civilization.
good start. maybe the word "unsung" instead of "ultimate"? because "ultimate" makes it seem too definitive, too sure.


The earliest, but undoubtably the biggest leap in man’s journey from ignorance to enlightenment came with the discovery of fire. No history book can tell us anything of the person who, for the first time, perhaps accidentally rubbed to flintstones together and lit the first sparkle that changed civilization forever. We don’t know who were the first farmers, the people to make the historic transition from being food gatherers to food producers. Nor do we know the people to use boats, or the potter’s wheel, or the sewing needle. These inventions revolutionarised mankind’s standard of living, and laid the foundation of all good things that followed.
good point.

All the greatest military conquests where made possible not only by the excellent commanders and leaders, but also by the selfless sacrifices of ordinary men. The victories of Pharaoh Rameses II, Alexander the Great or[and] Julius Ceaser are written in history as their personal achivements, but the names of these monarchs would have been long lost in the lists of thousands of other rulers, if they did not have armies which fought with the paragon[again, I am not too sure of this usage, but I'll get back to you. :)] of loyalty and fortitude. The Great Pyramid, the Sphynx[sphinx] or[amd] the Parthenon where created by by the sweat and blood of millions of craftsmen, the names of whom nobody cared to write down. Shah Jahan’s dream would have remained but a dream if he did not have the highly skilled architects and sculptors who built the Taj Mahal.
okay. another good point.

All the events that changed the shape of the world and the course of world history would never have happened without the involvement of ordinary people. Rousseau’s essays would have gone in vain if the common man refused to come forward to bring the French Revolution. The fight for America’s independence could have lead to different results if the citizens did not respond to George Washington’s leadership. And World War II might have never taken place if the whole of Germany had not supported Hitler’s ideas during the late 1930’s.

All the incidents that have influenced future generations and the legacy of which we still bear where caused by the common man; either individually or by mass involvement. From the dawn of human civilization till modern times it is this common man who has played the most significant role in determining the course of events. From the migration of early man from Africa in prehistoric times till the development of the first atom bomb; all big events in man’s history, either good or bad, where[were] brought about by long-forgotten individuals.
good ending

samy_dg
08-20-2005, 10:20 AM
Thanks a lot ish, for reading my essay with so much care; and thanks again for your suggestions. :)

aiai
08-21-2005, 08:04 AM
thanks for big duke ,ish and all other friends in GRE AWA, i've finished the GRE AWA test and feel well, and now is preparing for the verbal and quantitive sections and TOEFL, it is a hard work for me, but i'll persist, many thanks again!

Dimas
08-23-2005, 05:35 AM
ish,

Would you please review TWE essays as well. Your experience is really invaluable.

oxidejo
08-23-2005, 11:22 AM
Dear fellowes:



I am posting my issue and argument essay which were written in the same condition as the actual test by using a program that gives the topics in random order. However, I corrected typos for the readers benefit. I would be really appreciated if any of you would make some comments and evaluation on my essays. Thank you in advance and I am looking forward to hearing from you.



Cheers,

oxidejo



================================================== ==========

Issue: 43. "To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards."

There are many criteria that the leader should exhibit, such as maintaining the highest ethical and moral standards, making better decisions, leadership, and gaining trust. Among those, gaining trust from the followers and the people would be the most important factor to be an effective leader. In order to gaining trust from the followers and the people, and leader should be able to maintain the highest ethical and moral standards.

To be an effective leader, he or she should have the full support from his/her followers. The role of followers is very important for a person to become a leader in the first place. The followers would support from the bottom of their heart when the leader is a respectable person beside the abilities to become a leader such as intelligence, mental agility, and rhetorical skills. People do not need to see further than their work place to see the importance of maintaining the highest ethical and moral standards. Let's assume that there is a project manager who is a pervert. Of course, the manager's job is to make their project successful so the ability of bringing the cooperation from the team members would be critical in success of the project. However, it is obvious that the manager cannot make his/her team members to support if the manager is constantly hitting on one of the team members. Hence the project would not be successful because as it would be if the leader was a decent person.

Maintaining the highest ethical and moral standards are not only important for gaining the full support from the inherent but also important to gaining the trust from other people who have the power to entitle the position. The familiar example for losing trust from people would be Mr. Clinton, the former president of the United States. He was one of the most effective leaders in the States until his wrong doing, a love affair, was found out. People had trusted his ability to lead the country because he was the one who led the economic prosperity for his period. Even though the immoral behavior almost had nothing to do with his policy and his political agenda, people naturally became suspicious about them after they realized that he was nothing but a cheater. Many people had expected that the Democratic Party would lose to the presidential nominee of the opposite party, Bush, the current president because of the immoral behavior.

Some might say that maintaining the highest ethical and moral standards are sometimes unnecessary and even it is necessary while dealing with various problems the leader faces. However, they should realize the fact that the immoral behavior could act against the leader. In political realm (say there are A party and B party), one of the most frequent and effective method to attack B is to reveal the wrong doing of the leader from B party. Not to our surprise, we have seen those scandals almost everyday in real world. The most disturbing part of those actions is that A do the counter attack with the same action--an eye for an eye. It is simply because people expect their political leaders to maintain the highest ethical and moral standards. Those actions are so frequent and disturbing that people in most of countries in the world do not trust their political leaders.

In conclusion, to be an effective leader, he or she should maintain the highest ethical standards. In doing so, the leader can gain the trust from the followers and the people.



================================================== ==========



Argu: 13. The following appeared in a memo from the chief executive of a video game company.
"We have recently been offered the opportunity to buy the rights to produce a video game based on the soon-to-be-published children's book " "Squirrel Power," by Peter Wood. While the cost of the rights is substantial and will place economic constraints on our company in the short-term, there are two reasons that the purchase of these rights will undoubtedly be a wise investment. First, Wood's last three books have been best sellers and the movie based on his first book was highly profitable. Second, the popular characters and story line in " "Squirrel Power" will save us time in developing our video game, thereby reducing our costs."

The chief executive of a video game company asserts that purchasing the rights to produce a video game based on "Squirrel Power" would be a wise decision. To support it, the author presents two reasons. One is that the previous works of Wood have been successful and the other is that the popular characters and story line in the new book would cost less to produce their video game. However, those reasons are not very convincing because there is no guarantee for the success of the new book, the cost reduction is not lucid from the data presented, and it is hard to believe that the company would be profitable by producing the video game and buying the rights for it.

First, the author says that Wood's books are profitable for the past works. However, there is no evidence that the new book would be profitable. There are many examples that writers’ works are profitable for some books, but not profitable for other books. In order to say that the author should have presented the survey result that shows the customers would buy "Squirrel Power. In addition, the information presented in the memo only shows that the previous works of Wood have been profitable for books and movies. There is no indication that the customer would also like the video game. They may do not like the video game. Thus, the author should present the survey that shows the opinion about the video games as well.

Second, the author insists that the popular characters and story line in "Squirrel Power" will save time to develop the video game and reduce the cost of production. However, it is hard to believe that saving time would eventually result in reducing their costs. Even if the characters and story line is popular, the cost of production would increase rather than decrease if the character and story line is too complicated to reproduce.

Even if there is a big possibility that "Squirrel Power" would be profitable and developing their video game cost less, there is no reason to believe that buying the right would be more profitable for the company. In order to see that purchasing the rights to produce a video game is profitable, there should be budget analysis for both expenses: the benefit that the company would get from the video game and the costs for producing the video game and buying the rights. If the producing the video game and buying the rights costs more than the foreseeable profit than the investment cannot be the wise one.

In sum, the author's assertion is not convincing for three reasons. First, there is no guarantee for the success of "Squirrel Power." Second, the costs reduction in developing their video game is not evident. Third, there is no budget analysis indicating that the buy the rights and producing the video game would be more profitable.

biotechwiz
08-24-2005, 02:56 PM
Hi Ish,
i'm posting my 2nd essay. i've got about 13 days to my GRE. hope to post at least 5 more essays by then.
biotechwiz





66. "As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate."

19:35- 20:20


Technology has irreversibly permeated into our lives. While this may be true in various aspects of life, its impact has been the greatest in our approach to problem solving where it has become indispensable. The issue prompt contends that this increased dependence on technology will ultimately curb the ability of people to think for themselves; however, I believe that this may not be the case.



If one goes by the argument given in the topic, the thought process of humans would have considerable diminished over the past century, given the prolific increase in the use of technology during that period. On the contrary, technology has expanded the realm of problem solving, opening new vistas that were inaccessible a few decades ago. To illustrate my point, consider the rapid increase in computing power. This has made possible the simultaneous solving of millions of problems. The impact of this increase in computing power has been felt the most in fields involving complex mathematical equations.



For example, to solve a problem involving the optimization of 3 or more variables, several iterations, often running into thousands, are required. The use of technology to this end has not only reduced the computing time vis-à-vis manual calculation, but also increased the accuracy. However, this has not inhibited the problem solving ability of people in any way. Newer algorithms with increased speed and accuracy have been developed primarily because of this increase in computing power made possible by the use of technology.



Another instance where the use of technology has greatly aided problem solving is in silico molecular modelling. The prediction of the structure of molecules is based on several factors, the atoms of the molecule, their order of arrangement, interactions between these molecules and the energy associated with these interactions. Earlier this was done primarily through experimental means which were both time consuming and complex. The use of technology has given rise to an entirely new field wherein these calculations can be modelled on the computer to predict a structure for the given molecule. Even though this method is completely technology dependent, the development of this technique was no doubt spurred on by the increased use of technology and opened up ways of tackling this problem.



Since the invention of the abacus, technology has always been used to solve problems. Yet, in no way has it hampered the innate problem solving ability of man. Technology has also found applications in industry, but in no way has the desire to achieve perfection declined. While for the layman the use of the calculator might deteriorate his ability to perform simple calculations, the basic approach to solving any problem remains intact. To conclude, the use of technology will considerably increase our problem solving ability.

aalupyaaz
08-26-2005, 05:21 PM
"People make the mistake of treating experts with suspicion and mistrust, no matter how valuable their contributions might be."

Man is different from other animals for his power of questioning and reasoning. This does not mean that he is a cynic. It is humane to have that synthesis of trust and caution.

For ages, teaching has been considered a noble profession. Teachers have been worshiped. Even today, parents send their children to schools keeping full faith in teachers who are going to mould their offspring's future. What they seek is "good" education for their children. This should not be wrongly interpreted as skepticism towards teacher's proficiency.

I tend to disagree that people always treat experts with suspicion and mistrust. Government, representative of people, fund some of the finest brains for researches. It is because of their phenomenal vision and contribution, that we have soared great heights that once seemed invincible. It is just that authorities keep a check to assure right direction and allocation of resources.

Depending on the area of problem, it can be quite natural for people to be extra cautious to ensure that they get the best. Nothing is more precious than health. Undoubtedly, a patient will feel more secure in hands of a doctor whom he trusts. This does not mean he asseses other doctors as inferior or incompetent. Factors like personal past experience can prove more substantial than expert's contributions or fame. It is natural for a patient to confirm the ability of doctor as the stakes are too high for a blind gamble. Nonetheless, sufficient room should be given to doctors so that they don't feel compelled and do their job willingly. Unreasonable questioning of expert's expertise can worsen the case.

Admittedly, an expert's contribution may be significant but that does not imply he is beyond mistakes. To err is human and no amount of knowledge can make an expert fullproof of failures.

Thomas Alva Edison failed a thousand times before he could successfully invent a bulb.
To sum up, its only the perfect blend of sufficient space for the expert and at the same time, assurance from the expert to keep people's faith intact - that can create favorable and conducive conditions for positive results.
------------------

Please review and RATE my essay. I am quite nervous. My GRE is on Aug 29 (yes this monday!!) and this is my first essay. Criticism and suggestions for improvement are most welcome. Pleae reply soon. thanks

ironshoe901010
08-27-2005, 07:33 AM
the following appeared as part of an article in a health magazine.
"a new discovery warrants a drastic change in the diets of people living in the u.s.Two scientists have recently suggested that omega-3 fatty acid play a key role in mental health.Our ancestors,who ate less saturated fat and more polyunsaturated fat,including omega-3 fatty acids,were much less likely to suffer from depression than we are today.Moreover,modern societies such as those in japan and taiwan that consume large quantities of fish report depression rates lower than that in the U.S.Given this link between omega -3 fatty acids and depression, it is important for all people in the U.S.to increase their consumption of fish in order to prevent depression"

aalupyaaz
08-27-2005, 01:35 PM
Here is another one to review...thanks

"We learn through direct experience; to accept a theory without experiencing it is to learn nothing at all."

--------------

Learning is a process of knowing unknown. Though a direct experience can be a more realistic and a surer way of learning, I tend to disagree that accepting a theory without experiencing is to learn nothing at all.



It is not possible to have a first hand experience of everything. For example, we can not go back to past to experience evolution of earth. We rely on facts and theories proposed by people who have been researching. We learn and educated ourselves from these proposed facts and theories. In fact, lot of research is done keeping already well established theories as basis. It would be unwise to try questioning them and attempt to experience in order to learn.



In schools, children are taught about nuclear reactions and other similar complex processes. It is not possible to give them a hand-on experience or even simulate. But at least they become more "aware" by assimilating theories and explanations.



Often, one needs to go through training before he/she can directly try a first hand experience. For example, one has to learn swimming in order to be able to swim. A direct attempt to swim in deep can prove fatal. Doctors go through a rigorous training and examination before they are certified and allowed to treat patients. They learn from treasure of books and their teachers' experiences and then implement their learnt theories on patients themselves.



Life is too short to 'live' everything. It’s the experiences of others that enlighten us of different aspects of this enigmatic life. We read books, watch movies and are on a constant lookout for things that are beyond once ability to experience. We learn to cope with ups and downs of life by observing our elders and listening to adages that the wise have left for us.



Admittedly, there are certain things that can not be learned without experiencing them. I would have never learnt to ride a bicycle without giving it a try and falling and getting hurt. A baby can't learn to walk before he falls. But generalizing that learning without experiencing is to "learn nothing at all" shall be wrong.



Experience can polish a learned. At the same time, an ignorant can become an expert with experience. But, it would be fallacious to claim that learning without experiencing is to learn nothing at all. One can't supplement the other but they surely complement each other.

saryu joshi
08-28-2005, 06:56 AM
is this bigdukes coaching. i am haing a tough time posting messages and cant figure out which forum this is. its a relief to know that there is help available for awa online. please rate my essays. thank you


It is better to be pessimistic. Either you are proved right or you are pleasantly surprised.


Gautam Buddha elaborates on the three tragedies of life- pain, suffering and death. Philosophers have spent eons understanding the meaning of life many resigning to the belief that life is futile and purposeless. We are like the pons in a chess game whose directions are left unto the player, the almighty; or the actors in a theatre ad-libbing lines that have already been written for us. Life is ultimately tragic.



Viktor Frankl, a Nazi survivor and the founder of an intervention technique called logotherapy emphasizes optimism in the face of the tragic realities of life. Optimism implies hope, courage and faith. It reinforces the belief that our efforts will lead to gains. It engages us in activity that would be beneficial and that even if we were faced by ill luck in the past; past failure should only propel us to better work. After adversity there will be better times and that life along with sorrow also consists of happiness. It is up to us to recognize the gifts of life, to enjoy the moment and sometimes to take refuge in the beauty of the past.



Optimism instills our faith in humanity. It behoves us to do good to others. Although no statistical study shows that the sorrows in our lives are inversely related to our good deeds, such a belief gives us direction. It shows us a path and engenders our conscience. The ethical being believes that he owes it to others to help them in times of need, to be honest and follow the moral norms of the society. Nietzsche has said, “A man who has a why to live can conquer almost any how”. To have a dream, an aim helps us to achieve and succeed. To know that our actions have consequences for ourselves and others obligates us to be prudent in our behavior and to take our lives seriously.



A hobby horse of psychologists today is the study of ‘happiness’. An interesting concept given by the nobel winning psychologist Kahneman is that of “impact bias”. He points out that we are often unable to gauge the exact impact tragedies and mishaps have on our life as a whole. We might consider the amputation of our legs the end of happy living; however we are incapable of estimating how well and relatively quick we are at adapting to the loss of such a crucial part of our body. Yes, life involves some failures and misfortunes but to call life as a whole tragic shows our inability to appreciate it and our negativism. It is denigration of life itself.



Pessimism breeds indifference and apathy. No action or deed seems consequential and we seem helpless in the face of reality. It is an attitude that most psychotherapies try to counter and a mind set that often leads to depression. A pessimist would never be able to cherish the nuances that life offers. The dark colored glasses hazes his vision of the world an when often we are put in situations that are neither black nor white, while an optimism looks at the brighter side, the pessimist whines about the negative.



ISSUE


"Such nonmainstream areas of inquiry as astrology, fortune-telling, and psychic and paranormal pursuits play a vital role in society by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science."

Scientists have over the years studied and criticized the claims made by such areas as astrology and tarot card reading. There is no scientific evidence whatsoever suggestiong that such fields are able to accurately able to predict the future. Psychologists have studied how human beings can be convinced into beliveing such unscientific endevours.

It is suggesed that what comes into play is the availability heuristic. We rely on some specific incidences in which the predictions have been right, these are highlighted and stored in memory. The wrong predictions go unnoticed and are often not mentioned in newspapers that emphasize the correct ones. Thus we have a biased view and are unable to take into account all information.

There is also the possibility of the self serving bis operating especially incase of future forecasting. The predictions made are often subjective and thus when it is said “you will have a good day today”, with all probability, you will start your day with enthusiasm, may not be too troubled by minor mishaps and overexaggerate the positive incidences of the day. When told that you should be careful about you health today, a minor and otherwise puny headache may send you on a frenzy. Thus one interprets ones situation as corresponding to whhat is predicted.

While most of us are not ignorant about these criticisms and may even agree with them, the first thing we read in the newspaper is the fortune for the day. Despite growing scientific knowledge, these field have only been growing and people’s faith is intact. Many scientists are devoting their career to the study of extra sensory perception and some believe in its existence. These fields serve some important needs.

No scientific study can tell us where we would be tommorow. The society today is transforming with everincreasing speed. With growing competition, there is a sense of uncontrollability. There is no promise that you will have a job tommorrow. Life initself is also unpredictable. Although the probability that you wil die tommorrow is negligible, yet it does exist. The paraanormal studies help the individual to get a sense of control over his future. This sense of control increases ones security and makes one feel less hopeless in the light of the vissitudes of life.

Very often one is placed in a situation where there are two or more options and each option ahs its advantages and disadvantages and picking one can be tedious. In India, there is a tradition of matching horoscopes while gauging two individuals suitability to get married. even the educaed, in case of an arranged marriage follow the custom. Possibly the only purpose it serves is to limit the options available for marriage. In such cases the predictions of fortune tellers can drive our decisions. They give us a basis for our decisions. In periods of distress and calamity such future forecasters instill a sense of hope.

Thus to completely discard such non mainstream areas may be unustified as they involve psychological gins for the individal believing in them and in present conditions of genocide and war would only serve to regain people’s hope

foobarred
08-31-2005, 02:28 PM
Hey BigDuke. I would be indebted to you if you rate my essay. I have my GRE on September 9. This is my first attempt at an issue perspective.

ISSUE:
Sports stars and movie stars have responsibilities to young people as role models. This is because they earn millions of dollars and the least they can do is to exemplfiy good behavior to their fans.




The issue of a sport stars or a movie-stars responsibility towards the mass that idolizes them and extols them to the status of "God" is often discussed in the media and also in casual conversations. My perspective on this issue is that sport stars and movie stars must shoulder the responsibilty of exemplifying good behavior and observing a certain code of ethics as a part of fulfilling their responsibilities towards their fans, especially the youth owing to the fact that the mind of a young person is more impressionable, as the common platitude goes "the mind of a kid is like clay, you can mould it anyway that you like". The fact that they are highly paid makes them powerful and successful people in the eyes of the youth and their misconduct is likely to be emulated by naive youngsters. Although it can be argued that a levelheaded person would look at the misbehavior or wrongdoings of an influential person with an objective viewpoint, one cannot escape from the fact that this is not the case most often.


Most youngsters today virtually deify sportstars and look up to them as role models in life who epitomize success and the accompanying power. The same is also true for many movie stars. How these "influential" people behave in real life situations and react to their circumstances is under constant public scrutiny. Ask any high school student which section of the newspaper he is most likely to read first and he would instantly reply "the sports section" without thinking about it twice. How these sport stars react to adverse situations like a defeat or inability to break a record or the inability to improve is constantly being observed by the youngsters who follow them. Many times it does happen that these youngsters are so involved in the sport or so influenced by the sport star that they believe that everything that the person is doing is right and don't evaluate his behavior objectively. This in turn can induce the same kind of behavior in a young fan. For example: Consider a ten year old who is an ardent tennis fan, especially of a person with a volatile temper like John McEnroe. This young kid would probably think that the right way to react in an unfavorable situation is to start shouting at everyone around and hurling abuses. The next time when something doesn't go according to his wish, for example his father not getting him a popular video game, he just might start throwing similar tantrums. Another example would be the use of performance enhancing drugs. One cannot deny the fact that this would probably have a negative effect on an upcoming sportsperson. Knowing the fact that an accomplished sportsperson is doing it, would probably tempt him/her to do so too.


In this day and age, everyone watches movies from youngsters to adults. Most people think that movie stars exemplify a certain "cool" factor and many times go as far as emulating their mannerisms from something as insignificant as the way someone curls his lip to something more significant like smoking or abusing. This particular example of "on-screen" smoking is a controversial one where I hail from. Recently the government passed a law banning on-screen smoking and there was a huge uproar in the film industry with the industry's standpoint being that this is a flagrant violation of the fundamental right of freedom of expression. Although the industry's standpoint is valid to some extent, what they don't realize is that impressionable young minds deem smoking as a "cool" thing to do just because his/her favorite movie star does it. This argument can be extended beyond smoking to drug abuse, alcohol abuse and so on and so forth.


It can be argued that someone who is level headed enough so as to be able to distinguish the right from the wrong would not be affected by how a movie star or a sport star behaves. Although this argument cannot be debunked in its entirety, where it really falls apart is in the assumption that everyone possesses the same level of emotional and mental stability. One cannot expect a 10 year old to be as judicious as a 21 year old. Moreover, quite often being subject to such constant misbehavior by someone who is idolized, many times has a subconscious affect. One often loses the ability to think clearly in a dire circumstance or the ability to reason things in the heat of the moment. In such a situation one might tend to emulate the misbehavior of a movie star or a sport star in a similar situation.


In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that movie stars and sport stars do have a certain moral obligation towards their fans. The fact that they are highly paid and widely admired makes them successful people in the eyes of the public. It is a natural tendency to emulate someone successful, especially in the case of the youth. Truly, the least that such "idols" and demigods can do is to exemplify decent behavior.


Thanks in advance.
Regards...

P.S.: Hope that your back is fine now.

scuds
09-14-2005, 08:53 PM
It is often desirable to conceal some desired information from the others especially when one knows the worth of the information and what dire consequences it may have if it is exposed. Moreover every person has different way of relating to a problem hence a different way of getting to a solution. Keeping this concern in mind I would affirm my stand that it if often obligatory on political leaders to conceal information from the public.





The chief reason to bolster my view is that every country has some information which if revealed to foreign countries could lead to catastrophic results. Keeping this thing in mind it is often incumbent on the political leaders to conceal the information of national interests. For example take into consideration the war against terrorism that USA started against Afghanistan and Iraq. Though it was openly stated that the war would take place but as to when it is going to start and what kind of attack was planed, how long it was going to take and some other crucial information were concealed from the masses. These informations if let out of the bag could have led to dire consequences for USA. So political leaders kept these information concealed in the better interests of the nation.





The other reason for my support is that political leaders are people who have a wider vision gained through experiences in various diplomatic ties and other endeavors. They are people who take into consideration the nation as a whole rather than having a myopic reservation/vision against a particular region of people or creed. People on the other hand have their own prejudices for any information. If all information is revealed to the people, each person will have his own malicious interpretation that favors his own region or creed. In other words people have a parochial views regarding various issue. Political leaders are experienced people who better know how to maintain harmony in the country and also between countries. Political leaders take effective decision regarding the trade and commerce of the country and also regarding globalization and tourism. If the vital decisions they take are aired to the masses then people may criticize the policies for the same reason that different people have own prejudices leading to regional remedy rather than national panacea. So it is quite fair if some information is cached from the people and dealt by the political leaders.



Other reason to support my view is that political leaders are people that have been chosen through voting from the people themselves. They have been elected on democratic ideals. People select these leaders because they relate to the thinking of these leaders and trust their leadership. So we should imbibe our confidence in these leaders. We should reaffirm our faith in political leaders because they work for national intrests, which come ahead of our own narrow interests.



Though some of you may argue that right to information is the right of every individual and everything should be transparent and the leaders must reveal each and every info to the public but as already stated that some information cannot be revealed because of greater concerns we must understand the political leaders inability to share every information.







To conclude I would like to concur and reaffirm my stand that every information cannot be revealed to the people by the political leaders and some information have to be kept confidential in the better interests of the nation.



DOIN A REALLY GR8 JOB DUDE!!


The school board of the Shadow valley unified school (SVUS) district included these remarks in a letter sent to the families of all students attending school in the district.



Over the past few years, an increase in disciplinary problems and a high drop out rate have plagued district schools. The Ash lake school district to our north adopted a mandatory uniform policy three years ago. Since that time, suspensions and expulsions in Ash Lake have fallen by 40%, while the mean grade has increased from 2.3 (C+) to 2.7(B-). In order to improve the discipline and academic performance of shadow valley students, we have adopted a mandatory uniform policy effective on the first day of the new school year.





Ash lake district school may have witnessed better discipline and improvement in grades but the author of this article makes certain unsubstantiated assumption about the attributes that let this condition happen. Based on these assumptions the author takes the decision of adopting mandatory school uniform. Though it is intended to achieve greater discipline and better grades in the school these may fail to achieve the desired results because of some intrinsic fallacies.







I would like to critic the author, averring that by simply changing the uniform one cannot come to the conclusion that the discipline as well as the grades of the student improved. This statement seems to be specious in the first sight and the remarks given by the author look unsubstantiated. The reason for the better discipline can be attributed to many other reasons. One such reason may be that a new principal has come to the school and he is a stickler for discipline. So students play fewer pranks on each other or abstain from other mischiefs. Other reason may be that a new policy may have been adopted by the school administration according to which if a student was suspended from the school then he won’t be admitted back to school. This fear of expulsion has created more discipline in the college. Another point is that three-year is not sufficient enough time to come to a conclusion that a change in uniform led to better discipline. The association of dress with discipline seems vague.



The other fallacy in the author’s statement is that he relates dress with grades but it is not substantiated. How can one relate dress with grades when they are entirely different aspects? It may be that the school made a new policy according to which easy papers were set up so as to give a name to the school or a new lenient grading policy was implemented. It may also be that students were given much homework or there parents paid extra attention that led to better grades of students.



Other statement that seems to be ambiguous is the use of the term “mean grade point average” rising from 2.3(c+) to 2.7(B-). The use of “mean” here is specious because mean is the average of the class so it cannot be the progress of individual student. It may be that some students were doing very well and the others were doing poorly. It may also be that the students themselves developed a sense of responsibility and so abstained from mischiefs and paid more attention to studies in order to excel academically.



So the steps taken by SVUS school board seems to be inadequate and if the school administration really want to ameliorate the discipline and the grades of the students they should delve into the matter genuinely and gather the real causes which led to the change.

bigduke
10-09-2005, 05:18 AM
First of all ... apologies to all those whose essays haven't been rated. Bigduke has a job to work on so there's little time to exercise my literary passion, i.e. rate essays. Behold though, for the bigduke has risen from the ashes.

Scuds:

I'm not too sure about the issue statement, perhaps you could post the entire thing as a part of the content next time rather than in the topic line :)

The intro seems nice, but needs a few tweaks to make it that uber cool opening para. You can half win the assessor with the opening para. Apprise the reader of what shall ensue rather than cutting it off at your stand on the topic

1. repetetive use of "other reason" use para transition words like firstly, secondly ... or to start with, furthermore, elaborating on the previous para etc etc ..
2. "though some of you may argue" ? this is not a public oratory forum ... its an essay, use of such lingo is a strict no no
3. the concluding para could be better than just one line. summarize your points and then BAM hit the hammer on the anvil.
4. need more points in there to make a good stand on the issue

arg essay
"i would like to critic the author"? ... mate thats the whole idea of this essay, you need not reiterate this

The language in the arg essay needs drastic improvement. You manage to get the point across no doubt, but it fails to make an impression.

cemaneg
10-09-2005, 09:01 AM
Hi Big Duke,
Can you give me some tips to get 3.5 on AW.
Many thanks in advance,

bigduke
10-09-2005, 02:58 PM
cemaneg ... d00d ... you have got to be kidding me ... you're aiming for far too less ... atleast raise yer mark and then work for it .... aim for the stars and you might hit the mountain ... aim for the mountain and you'll end up in dust ... think it through and then i'll try to guide you ... :)

fsm
10-10-2005, 06:44 AM
44. "Government should not fund any scientific research whose consequences, either medical or ethical, are unclear."

The issue that weather Governemnt should fund any scientific research whose consequences are unclear is a controversial one..On one other hand scientific research whose consequences may not be known,can be a waste of money and time.On the other hand scientific research is all about finding what is not known and inturn with unknown consequences.In my final analysis , however, Government should not fund any scientific research without considering the consequences.

The primary reason for my view is that consequences are that are going to matter when it comes to scientific research and the people doing research know the path they are going on.I mean the researchers are not completely oblivious of the consequeces their results may have.So, if the results may have distrous consequences the research should not be done. The authorities cannot just spend peoples' money on some louisly lab research that may have consequences disatrous for mankind or may be not feasible ethically. For example, iin the case of the research for atomic energy, that ultimatley toasted millions, the government or the researchers were trying exactly to do that.No one can say , that the scientist that were working there were ignorant of the results or even the consequences of such a research.

The second reason for my view point is that research is done for the benefit of mankind.If the research is going to have a negative impact on the people or the society , what may be use of that research.For example, the research of the cloning raised many ethical questions .This clonign research has not done any good till now, but has raised many ethical questions that were absent before.Had the government not funded this kind of reserach, there would have been no such issues.

Some may argue that the research is finding about the hidden and knowing what you did'nt knew before.Well this may be true but does not give the right to the governments to spend the peoples' money any where they like.Moreover , the results and ultimately the consequences are not completely uncertain.People doing research usually have a rough idea what the reults or the consequeces might be.Others may argue that the research that has a consequence, either medical or ethical , have a positive side as well.For example the electricity by atomic energy etc. Well, why to fund a research that has a negative consequences and as a by-product has a few goood ones.For instance , the resources that the governments spent on harnesing the atomic energy , could have been spent on research such as fuel cells or solar cells using the sun's energy; having no negative impact and making electricity supply possible.

In sum, I concur that there may be certain reserach whose consequences might not be known to the governments or the researchers.However, this is not generally the case and the research that is undertaken, usually has the implications of that research in mind.On the whole, governemnts should not spend money on the research whose consequences , may make the lives of people difficult.

cemaneg
10-10-2005, 08:59 AM
cemaneg ... d00d ... you have got to be kidding me ... you're aiming for far too less ... atleast raise yer mark and then work for it .... aim for the stars and you might hit the mountain ... aim for the mountain and you'll end up in dust ... think it through and then i'll try to guide you ... :)

Dear Bigduke,
Absolutely agree with you. I am not kidding you. I am serious. You know I am not a native English and my exam is coming up soon (2 weeks). I do not have much time to practice. Besides, the University I will apply require minimum in AWA is 3.5.

In fact, I always try my best for my aim but in this case I really need your helps

Thanks you
Cemaneg-:)

Aaliyah537
10-27-2005, 02:35 AM
Hi bigduke. This is my first stab at AWA. I tried to stick to 45 mins. Please tell me what you think. THANK YOU!!!!

Leisure time is becoming an increasingly rare commodity, largely because technology has failed to achieve its goal of increasing our efficiency in our daily pursuits.



Today’s world is considered fast-paced and efficient. Those who are not versed in the newest and most standard technology are becoming fewer and fewer, particularly because of the immense benefits technology brings. Yet it may seem to some people that with newer products and means of making our daily tasks more efficient, we still have less time to spend on relaxation and leisure. However, one cannot blame technology for this phenomenom because technology creates various products and tools for entertainment and leisure used by millions of people in the modern world. Also, it is the responsibility of the modern consumer-worker to create time and space for leisurely activities instead of depending on technology to do that prioritization work for her.



The claim that technology has not increased efficiency in our daily pursuits seems remarkably inaccurate. One only has to step into a 21st century office environment to observe how fast things get done. Email, video teleconferencing, fax machines and scanners, all make possible communication that would have taken several hours or days to execute prior to those innovations. For example, instead of sending important correspondence by “snail mail”, one can make use of email or facsimile which deliver messages to the recipient in minutes. Technology has drastically reduced the time we spend on such details and frees up time for other things. How we spend that freed time is important.



It is true that in today’s society, people are working more hours per week, people are so connected to the fast-paced life and seem unable to stop. It almost seems as if technology has made it harder to relax because we are so plugged into our cell phones, laptops, I-pods and the internet. However, it is inaccurate to say technology has caused a loss of leisure time particularly because new technology has created new forms of leisure and new ways to relax. Lovers of x-box, tivo, hbo on-demand and dvds, are engaging in leisure. Technology has created other such products that we make use of in our free time. In that case, it is apparent that technology has increased leisure time instead of hindering it, as posed by the author.



Leisure time may well be rare for some people, yet it is clear that one needs to create the space for leisure themselves, instead of depending on technology to ‘un-clutter’ your life or schedule. If one truly is committed to taking breaks and doing things they enjoy, they will create the space for it. A great example of such a person is the lover of books. Voracious readers and intellectuals seem to find time to relax at a bookstore, surf the internet for new and exciting authors, and consume several books per month. Yet they are Engineers, Doctors, Teachers, Business men and women and Civil Servants just as everyone else. Creating the space for leisure is the responsibility of the person that desires it. And if one is seriously committed to their particular activity or hobby, he or she will create the place for it.



Leisure time may very well be a dying facet of life, yet we have to be willing to make sacrifices to create that space for leisure, instead of blaming technology. It is likely that if we do, we will find it our ‘sacrifice’ was in fact a blessing.

DevilHan
10-30-2005, 09:34 PM
:tup:
Mr. Big, can you please rate my essay? Your help is greatly appreciated.

The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of a food-distribution company with food-storage warehouses in several cities.

"Recently we signed a contract with The Fly-Away Pest-Control Company to provide pest-control services at our fast-food warehouse in Palm City, but last month we discovered that over $20,000 worth of food there had been destroyed by pest damage. Meanwhile, the Buzzoff Pest-Control Company, which we have used for many years, continued to service our warehouse in Wintervale, and last month only $10,000 worth of the food stored there had been destroyed by pest damage. Even though the price charged by Fly-Away is considerably lower, our best means of saving money is to return to Buzzoff Company for all our pest-control services."



Although it seems quite convincing that Buzzoff is doing a much better job than Fly away pest control, the vice president makes some questionable assumptions and needs stronger data to back up his claim.



The company incurred a lost of 20,000 in Palm city while only lost 10,000 in Wintervale. However, it is not appropriate to look at lost only in terms of money figure. In this case, the percentage of food loss is a much more important figure. Wintervale might be a smaller warehouse than Palm city. Therefore, such claim is weak without percentage data.



Furthermore, Pest control is greatly dependent on other factors such as temperature, ventilation and sanitation. It is entirely possible that Palm city has a warmer temperature that encourages more pest activities. It is also possible that palm city’s ventilation system is not as well designed as Wintervale. Are these warehouses being cleaned up regularly evenly? Such critical data is important in making judgment about the performance of both these two pest control companies.



Also, it would be extremely helpful to have historical data about pest control in Palm city. Had Wintervale been handling it or had there been other companies handling it until we signed the new contract. How was their performance back then? Had there been improvement?



Last but not least important is the type of foods that these two warehouses store. Some foods are more subjective to pest damage. It might be that Wintervale is stocking foods that are less attractive to pest and therefore having less damage.



In sum, we need to have more supportive and stronger data to draw our conclusion that the company will be better off switching to Buzzoff.

Hi Duke, one thing I am worry about is that I tend to write short essay, would that be a big problem in AWA? Thank you for taking your precious time to help me out.:tup: You are the best.

Our declining environment may bring the people of the world together as no politician, philosopher, or war ever could. Environmental problems are global in scope and respect no nation's boundaries. Therefore, people are faced with the choice of unity and cooperation on the one hand or disunity and a common tragedy on the other


I lived in an apartment in New York Queens borough. My apartment pays for my water bill and electronic bill. So I used to leave water running when I don’t’ have to. I used to leave my AC on even when I am not at home and even when it is not that hot. One day, my brother came over asked me to turn off the air conditioner because it wasn’t that hot. I told him that it is ok because I don’t have to pay for it. He said, “You don’t, but our children might have to. Plus, why waste energy when you don’t have to”. From then on, I tried not to waste any energy that I don’t have to. I turned off the facet as soon I don’t need it. I only turn on my air conditioner when it is unbearable. I also become more conscious about other ways to save energies.





Pollution has become one of my biggest concerns nowadays, but at the same time I realized that that is everyone else’s concern. I saw people wasting energies every day, I saw people spit on the street, smoking cigarette in public and drive humongous SUV even when they don’t need to. People do so not because they are against the nature or the environment but because they are totally unaware of the consequence of they deeds. They didn’t realize that every bit of energy that they waste will cost the whole human kind something somewhere. They probably didn’t understand how driving their gas hungry SUV has to do with the war in whole Middle East. They probably didn’t know that the more they pollute the environment, the harder it is for the generations after us to survive.



Therefore, it becomes apparent that we can’t fight pollution without education and comprehension. It might be easy for people with higher education to understand the importance of environmental issues, but it is far difficult for someone who does not have higher education to do so. To alienate them without trying to educate them is just trying to avoid the problem. It is far more important to reach out and teach them how to respect environment and nature than to simple condemn them for what they are doing.

kunal227
11-09-2005, 05:40 PM
please give the suggestion for improvement.

The University of Claria is generally considered one of the best universities in the world because of its instructors' reputation, which is based primarily on the extensive research and publishing record of certain faculty members. In addition, several faculty members are internationally renowned as leaders in their fields. For example, many of the faculty from the English department are regularly invited to teach at universities in other countries. Furthermore, two recent graduates of the physics department have gone on to become candidates for the Nobel Prize in Physics. And 75 percent of the students are able to find employment after graduating. Therefore, because of the reputation of its faculty, the University of Claria should be the obvious choice for anyone seeking a quality education.


MY RESPONSE:
The author concludes that the University of Claria should be the first choice of a student seeking quality education. To support his statement, he has mentioned about its academic faculty. But there are many assumptions and flaws made by the author in the argument.
The foremost flaw is that the author has not mentioned as to which subjects is the University of Claria famous for. It may be possible that the English and the Physics department may be the best for studying, but at the same time the Zoology department may not be as good as the former. Hence it may not be the obvious choice for a student who wants to do his majors in Zoology.
Secondly, the reputation of all the instructors has been based on the works of only certain faculty members. It may be possible that some faculty members may not be as active or intelligent as their contemporaries. Due to the work and dedication of few persons, their credit cannot be given to the lazy persons.
Thirdly, the graduate students who became candidates for the Nobel Prize in Physics may not have depended completely on their faculties. They may be in-born genius and worked hard by themselves without any sufficient guidance from their instructors. Thus a University's reputation cannot be judged only by its students' works.
Furthermore, sufficient data has not been provided as to students graduating from which field get employment easily. They may be finding the jobs due to the demand of that particular field at that time. e.g. information technology. But as its demand decreases in the market, the graduates may automatically face employment problems.
Thus, if the author had provided sufficient data about the works and records of all the faculty members & performance of all the departments of the University, the argument would have been more persuasive to rank the University of Claria at the first place.




ISSUE TOPIC:
"In our time, specialists of all kinds are highly overrated. We need more generalists -- people who can provide broad perspectives."

MY RESPONCE:
In today's modern world we find a variety of specialists in nearly all fields-doctors, teachers,chefs,etc. They have their own special place in the society. They all play a very important role in the development of society.
Previously, if a student completed graduation in a medical or dental field, he would be considered very intelligent. But now completing graduation is no big deal. The student has to do a specialization in a particular field of his choice. Job preferences are now given only to the post graduates. A person having an injury in his bones would obviously prefer to go to an orthopaedic surgeon rather than a general physician. A person would take his infant child suffering from cough to a pediatrician rather than a physician.
In case of teachers too, specialization is very much required. A person employed to teach in the high school has to have a master's degree. Also, a restaurant which specializes in a particular dish is generally more preferred by the customers than a place where all kinds of dishes are available.e.g Pizza Hut has a monopoly in pizza in many countries.
On the other side of the coin, generalists also have their own place. In a rural place where hardly any facilities are availabe, a specialized doctor would not be suitable. Instead a general phyisician would be preferrable. Also, teachers which can teach in all classes of the school would be suitable.
A general restaurant would only be preferred if different members of a family have different taste and choice. Moreover, a manager or a director of a company has no specialized area to work in, instead, he looks over all the departments of the company with equal diligence. A manager will solve a probelm differently than a specialized person. The former will review from all aspects the solution of the problem while the latter may review it from a particular angle only. Thus a person having different skills can work out any problem in the company.
Thus, specialists and generalists both have their own role in society and both should be given equal importance according to the location and conditions.

Erin
11-10-2005, 06:10 AM
Well, it's been a great run, and I'd like to thank bigduke for all the help he gave. bigduke has PM'd me to let me know that his work schedule is unfortunately keeping him from helping people out as much as he did in the past, and he worried that some people might wait too long or somehow feel neglected. He asked me to lock this thread for now.

Thanks again for contributing your knowledge to others; I'm confident that many people here benefited. :tup: