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Xeniya
05-24-2002, 04:36 PM
Hi everyone. My name is Xeniya. I am reading the messages of this forum all the time, but never took part in them. I guess that it's my turn to ask you for help. I will have TOEFL exam in the middle of June. My problem is that I don't have any experience in writing essays. A few minutes ago I submitted two essays on a website ScoreitNow. Iíve got the highest score of 6 for both of them. I canít believe that from the first time I did so well. So if you can help me, please read my essays and tell me your opinion. Itís very important for me. I have to know my weak places and you advice. I also submitted 2 more essays on this website and still waiting for Erinís answer.
Sorry that the topics are not from TOEFL topics. As far as I know they were before.
So if you bored, just read my essays and tell me what do you think about them.
I appreciate your help, guys.

#1
Playing a game is fun only when you win.


Some people like to take part in the games just for competition and challenge. Some of them like to play games just because of victory. There is a kind of people, who like just to win and be the best. Mostly, they are the leaders of the team. But as for me I like the game, because of challenge. I disagree with the statement that there is fun only when you win. There some points which disapprove this fact.
Fist of all, like I said, there is the fun already for me when I am playing. I think that cooperation, being a team, strategies is the most important part of a game. Once I was in a camp and every evening we had team challenges. The main idea of our teachers was to teach the campers to help each other and to overcome all the difficulties together. And I can definitely say that those days were the most unforgettable in my life. The goal of our teachers was to show us that there are no winners in the game. And I think that they did a great job. Their efforts were approved. A lot of campers after the session became friends, because helping each other during hard team challenges helped them to be close and to understand each other much better. Now I donít remember which team won those days, but I remember all the games and fun, which we have got during them. That proves that you can get fun without winning.
Secondly, I think that desire to win makes people more aggressive. When people are trying to get the victory they become different. I can give an example, when people change, because of trying to win. I worked in a restaurant with other waitresses. We were in good relations and always helped each other. That made our work easier and our service better. Our owner decided to make a game or competition. The main idea was to give better service and to sell more. The award was ŗ ticket to the islands. After that trying to win all the waitresses changed, everyone wanted to show that she is doing her job better that others. Everyone became cruel, mean and aggressive. I wanted that game to be over, because lost connection and understanding between my co-workers. There was no fun at all. I even do not want to take part in such games next time.
Making a summary, I can say that playing a game is fun not only when you win, but when you are involved in it. When you are enjoying that game. Someone once said that the main thing was not a victory, but participation and I completely agree with this.


Thank you.


;);)

Erin
05-31-2002, 05:51 PM
#1
Playing a game is fun only when you win.


Some people like to take part in the games just for competition and challenge. Some of them like to play games just because of victory. There is a kind of people, who like just to win and be the best. Mostly, they are the leaders of the team. But as for me I like the game, because of challenge. I disagree with the statement that there is fun only when you win. There some points which disapprove this fact.
Fist of all, like I said, there is the fun already for me when I am playing. I think that cooperation, being a team, strategies is the most important part of a game. Once I was in a camp and every evening we had team challenges. The main idea of our teachers was to teach the campers to help each other and to overcome all the difficulties together. And I can definitely say that those days were the most unforgettable in my life. The goal of our teachers was to show us that there are no winners in the game. And I think that they did a great job. Their efforts were approved. A lot of campers after the session became friends, because helping each other during hard team challenges helped them to be close and to understand each other much better. Now I donít remember which team won those days, but I remember all the games and fun, which we have got during them. That proves that you can get fun without winning.
Secondly, I think that desire to win makes people more aggressive. When people are trying to get the victory they become different. I can give an example, when people change, because of trying to win. I worked in a restaurant with other waitresses. We were in good relations and always helped each other. That made our work easier and our service better. Our owner decided to make a game or competition. The main idea was to give better service and to sell more. The award was ŗ ticket to the islands. After that trying to win all the waitresses changed, everyone wanted to show that she is doing her job better that others. Everyone became cruel, mean and aggressive. I wanted that game to be over, because lost connection and understanding between my co-workers. There was no fun at all. I even do not want to take part in such games next time.
Making a summary, I can say that playing a game is fun not only when you win, but when you are involved in it. When you are enjoying that game. Someone once said that the main thing was not a victory, but participation and I completely agree with this.


Thank you.
Xeniya.Hi, Xeniya. Sorry for the late reply.

I believe a human would score this essay a 5.0 or 5.5. Your essay is very good, has good organization, pretty good grammar, and good examples.

The essay has a couple of misused words (There some points which disapprove this fact. should be something like In this essay, I will give some points that will prove these points.)

For me, the most important problem with this essay is here:


Secondly, I think that desire to win makes people more aggressive. When people are trying to get the victory they become different. I can give an example, when people change, because of trying to win. I worked in a restaurant with other waitresses. We were in good relations and always helped each other. That made our work easier and our service better. Our owner decided to make a game or competition. The main idea was to give better service and to sell more. The award was ŗ ticket to the islands. After that trying to win all the waitresses changed, everyone wanted to show that she is doing her job better that others. Everyone became cruel, mean and aggressive. I wanted that game to be over, because lost connection and understanding between my co-workers. There was no fun at all. I even do not want to take part in such games next time.
This paragraph is more about the disadvantages of focusing on winning than about whether winning is the primary component of the enjoyment of a game. I think it would be fairly easy to rewrite this paragraph to make it relevant, but as it's written, it's a bit off-topic.

I'll make a post elsewhere about the e-rater, but it's fairly easy to trick it. Last year ETS sent various schools passwords to access the e-rater before it was released to the public, and I tried it out. First, I pasted in one of the essays I'd written for my website. It got a 6.0.

Then I tried an experiment. I used a similar essay, but this time, I replaced all the nouns with the word "tool." I can't remember the topic, but it was something like "What is your most prized possession?" I wrote a whole essay declaring the merits of my "tool." For example, "I can say wholeheartedly that my tool is my favorite possession. Without my tool, I would be unable to perform many vital functions." And on and on. This essay also got a 6.0.

I've got more to say on this, but I guess I should put it in a separate post...

Xeniya
06-03-2002, 03:35 PM
Well...
Erin, I know, it will sound corny, but:" Thank you, for helping us".
I know, that everyone says that you are doing a great job, but it's 100% true. I really appreciate your willingness to help.
Really, many thanks!!!

Xeniya

Erin
06-04-2002, 08:07 AM
Really, it's my pleasure... I'm a teacher, and I *love* teaching. More accurately, I *love* seeing people succeed.

So, the best thing you can do is post back with your scores and success!! And I will smile for you!!