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    Please review this and provide feedback :)

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    AWA ESSAYS: Analyze Argument

    ESSAY QUESTION:

    The following appeared in a proposal for a high school's annual fundraising event:

    "In order to earn the most money for supplemental school programs, we will have larger and more thrilling rides at this year's School Fair, including a ferris wheel that is twice as tall as last year's ferris wheel. In addition, the game vendors will award more expensive prizes and the food stalls will showcase a variety of upscale international dishes. As a result, we will be able to charge a higher entrance fee and the dollar amount we earn via our commission on the vendors' revenues will be higher than it was last year."

    Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.


    YOUR RESPONSE:

    The argument that higher entrance fee and higher commision because of thrilling rides, international dishes and expensive prizes in games will help to earn more money for supplemental school programs has lot of flaws in it. One may think thrilling rides, expensive prizes in games and international food in fair will help to get the better entrance fee and more crowd but this argument is dependent on lot of other factors and assumptions.

    One of the assumptions in the argument is that even after increasing the entrance fee fair organizers will be able to retain the numbers of visitors. Lot of last year's visitors might not be interested in new attractions with increased entrance fee. Even new visitors might not be willing to pay the proposed entrance fee. The proposed increase in entrance fee might be very expensive for most of expected visitors.

    Another assumption is that most of expected visitors are interested in thrilling rides, international food and expensive prizes. Residents of that area might be more interested in local food, moderate rides with less entrance fee.

    Another assumption is that vendors would be ready to pay higher commissions as well as higher game prize. Vendors might not show any interest in the proposed plan.

    In conclusion, argument needs to backed up by providing more details around willingness of the expected visitors to pay higher entrance fee for the new features. Also some data needs to be provided around vendor's views on proposed plan.

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    Good post? Yes | No
    The basic content is acceptable, but there are a number of big grammatical errors that will really hurt your score. For example, in the first sentence, you wrote, "... has lot of flaws in it." The correct way to state this is "a lot," but even this is a colloquialism that I'd imagine both the human and e-rater graders will frown upon. I'd suggest, "...has a number of significant flaws, which seriously weaken the argument," or something like that.

    The use of "a" and "the" is virtually nonexistent. Learn how to use these (they are called indefinite and definite articles, respectively) before you sit for the GMAT if you intend to get a decent AWA score, or verbal for that matter.

    The last sentence in the third paragraph has lacks a necessary connector ("and/or"), and "less entrance fee" conveys a poor grasp of the English language. A better way to write this sentence is, "Residents of that area may be more interested in local food and moderate rides, with a lower entrance fee."

    Connectors need more variety. That is, rather than writing, One assumption..., another assumption..., another assumption..., consider something like, The first problem with this argument is..., Another problem is..., Finally, ....

    I am pretty sure 2 sentence paragraphs are going to be a problem as well. Consider making paragraphs longer by further developing your points.

    Keep practicing, and make sure to apply the sentence correction skills to your own writing as well. Consider reading well-respected newspapers such as NY Times or WSJ for examples of good grammar. I say well-respected because often smaller local newspapers cut corners on proofreading and some poor grammar is often evident, making this unacceptable to study for someone trying to learn English.

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