Hi, i was wondering if someone could please review this sample essay. i've written a few of them but I have no idea as to where I stand in terms of the GMAT standard.
"In general. people are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses. Walk into the Heart's Delight, a store that started selling organic fruits and vegetables and whole-grain flours in the 1960's, and you will also find a wide selection of cheeses made with high butterfat content. Next door, the owners of the Good Earth Cafe, an old vegetarian restaurant, are still making a modest living, but the owners of the new House of Beef across the street are millionaires."
The author claims that people are not as regulated as a decade ago about their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses. The author attempts to support the claim by comparing three local businesses and what they sell. However, this argument is not very persuasive as it fails to provide vital statistics and address key assumptions .
Firstly, the author claims that people are not as regulated about their intake of meet and cheeses as they were a decade ago. However, the author assumes that the reader has knowledge about the intake of red meat and cheeses across the time period. In order to provide a stronger argument, the author should provide some statistics that clearly show that people are consuming more red meat and cheeses than they did a decade ago.
Secondly, the author attempts to support the claim by describing Heartís Delight. The author mentions that the store sells fatty cheeses in addition to the organic fruits and vegetables. However, the author does not clearly state whether the store recently started selling the fatty cheeses. It is possible that the has always had the selection of fatty cheeses. Furthermore, the author assumes that the store having fatty cheeses in its shelves directly reflects on the customerís buying patterns. In order to support the claim, the author needs to provide concrete evidence and statistic about the sale of the fatty cheese in Heartís Delight.
Finally, the author compares an old vegetarian restaurant to a new beef restaurant. The arguers that since the owners of House of Beef are richer than the owners of Good Earth Cafe, more people are consuming beef. However, the author never addresses author factors that might impact the profitability of the two restaurants. For instance, the author does not consider the expenses of each restaurant. It is possible that House of Beef has a more streamlined process compared to Good Earth Cafe.
The author makes generalizations about how regulated people are in their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses just by comparing 3 local businesses. The author needs to provide more evidence and statistics to make such a claim. The author also needs to address the assumptions mentioned above to make the argument more persuasive.
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