Though I am not an expert but a with a quick reading I noticed the following trivial mistakes:
The statement above is a controversial issue, which cannot be taken lightly. All of us, as human beings need private lives and need to do personal activities. However, when it comes to the office I believe(weak) that these things(things are nouns) must be kept out of the work place because it not only can(should be can not only) put the work we do in jeopardy but also can put the lives of those we love in danger. I will explain my view in the coming paragraphs(that’s obvious).
First, the office is a place where ideas are laid on the table, where there should be no limits, where creativity should not have any boundaries, with the exception of a few limitations, legally and morally speaking. These ideas are things(2nd wrong use of “things”) that must be nurtured to build upon them. They(no referent) can then provide answers to questions and solutions to problems. But, those(not needed) workers who come up with these thoughts could be told that it wouldn’t work by those they love, or that these thoughts are wrong for subjective reasons, etc… We can take aspiring actresses for an example, these people dream of becoming one of Hollywood’s elite, but if these people are always told that it’s a dream that is simply too impossible to achieve these potentially brilliant artists will not be able to show the world a possible Oscar winning performance.
Second, private lives should be left as separate as possible from the work place because in some cases we could endanger the people we love, in some cases. Take for instance, a police officer, a detective, or a Federal agent(weak analogy and explanation). These people do their jobs so well that in some cases their work could sometimes become personal in that these people would let their personal lives almost mix with their work. Eventually, these people either lose their loved ones or ruin the cases they’re working on putting even more people in jeopardy.
Admittedly, these(again????) two elements are essential to one’s creativity. Meaning, some people are inspired by those that they are surrounded by and the activities they’re involved in. However, employees can be inspired by these things while keeping these elements out of the office.
In sum, although people need private lives and personal activities to remain human(awkward framing- without the attributes are the people not human?) and to enhance their creativity, these private activities must remain separate from the working environment to keep the work people do objective and to ensure that the task that has been done has been done well.
Use of pronouns : these, they,those………..
Clarify the idea : your thoughts are good but you are not able to explain them very clearly, that’s what the section is all about
Use simple sentences: (sub- verb –object) construction