Can somebody help me rate my AWA?

[baito]

Hi,

 

Here is the header and my answer. It would be very helpful to me that somebody says what would be the approx score and give some tips! Thanks in advance.

 

The following appeared in a medical magazine:

"Art and music have long been understood to have therapeutic effects for individuals who suffer from either physical or mental illnesses. However, most doctors rarely recommend to patients some form of art or music therapy. Instead, doctors focus almost all of their attention on costly drug treatments and invasive procedures that carry serious risks and side-effects. By focusing on these expensive procedures rather than low-cost treatments such as art and music therapy, doctors are doing a disservice to their patients and contributing to the rising cost of health care in the United States."

 

My answer:

 

The given argument is not correct and takes some facts to draw a conclusion that is not correlated. In the next paragraphs I am going to show how the text is flawed.

 

First, the text states that the art and the music are therapeutic but doctors recommend other procedures with serious risks and side-effects. The author of the argument also implies that this is a bad thing, but maybe the art and music cannot solve the problem or have no effect in all patients. Also, maybe the risks that the drug treatments and invasive procedures carry are worthy comparing them to the beneficial effect that they have. In order to prove all this and strengthen the argument, data should be provided, for example, the rate of effectiveness of the drug treatments and the invasive procedures, and also that of art and music therapies.

 

Second, the text states that these expensive procedures make the cost of health care in the United States higher. It cannot be said that there is a direct relation with that without data proving it. Maybe there are other factors that affect the cost of health care, maybe the higher use of these procedures make companies invest more on them and discover new, cheaper and less invasive procedures that can lower the cost of health care.

 

Finally, the argument says that doctors are doing a disservice to their patients. This is a really personal opinion with now facts at all to support it. In order to strengthen this idea it would be necessary to present some cases showing the bad practices of the doctors.

 

As I have shown, the argument is really weak and flawed. To make a strong argument, more information would be needed.