Moreover, the argument says that because death rate is higher among the unemployed than those with regular employment, those who will become unemployed as a result of the nationís economy deteriorating will die soon.
This line in the essay above is incorrect. The passage does not state that unemployed will die soon, rather it states that unemployed have a higher "death rate". Death rate is number of deaths per 1000 people in a country's population. The passage states that if the government spends more on healthcare and public health initiatives, their deficits will increase which leads to adverse economical conditions and thereby causes an increase in unemployment. This part mentioned in the argument (or passage) is fallacious because government deficit increment does not necessarily imply increase in unemployment. People can find jobs in the private sector enterprises and government can invite foreign investment (or atleast waive barriers to easy trade) to create more jobs in the country.
We could also mention in the second last paragraph in the above essay that vague language has been used in the passage. Higher death rate does not explicitly indicate how high. Is it a difference of 5% or 1%? Both instances, in a nation's context, would mean different things. 5% could be more conclusive and decisive whereas 1% will not be.
Overall, I feel the content was good. However, sentence structures could be improved and introduction of the essay could have been better.
On the positive side, there were no spelling mistakes and grammatical errors