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Thread: Can anybody evaluate my essay? I will try my best to evaluate yours in return

  1. #1
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    Can anybody evaluate my essay? I will try my best to evaluate yours in return

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    I scored 3 on AWA on both of tests before. So i really wanted to improve it. I tried to use the ETS GRE Diagnostic Service to find out my deficiency but somehow i cannot access the service. Anyway, I think my main problem in previous tests was i agree/disagree with the statement completely without judging the statement from a second view. So I am working on this. And please let me know if anything else. I am glad to look at your essay if you think i am qualified. Thanks in advance to anyone who evaluate this essay.

    82. Colleges and Universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.

    Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain these examples shape your position.


    Admittedly, studying abroad for one semester is beneficial to a student in so many aspects. It improves the student’s language ability significantly, widening the student’s mind about the world and making connections in a different country. However, all these benefits will disappear if the student is sent to a foreign country involuntarily. With a constant mood of reluctance, no student sent abroad is willing to reach out to the local community, which deprives the chance of obtaining the benefits I mentioned above. Hence colleges and universities should require their students to study abroad for at least one semester only if the student is willing to do so.

    Studying in a foreign country for at least one semester, which gives the student roughly three months to blend in the local community, leaves a student enough time to improve himself. First of all, by living inside of the foreign community, a student is able to improve his foreign language significantly by chatting with native speakers everyday; listening to lectures given by native speakers and doing almost everything else with the assistance of that specific language. With the proficiency in the language, the student is safer to travel around the country during holidays with lower chance of getting lost, because he can at least speak to indigenes to get help in the case of being lost. And all these journeys he takes can open his mind about the world. Taking myself as an example, I traveled to New York City and Orlando during my first semester in America. I was astounded by the age of the subway system in New York City and surrounded by happiness in the Disney. I never experienced any of these when I was in China.

    With the proficiency in the language and the expanded mind, student will be able to achieve something more important—making connections with people there. The explosive development of globalization makes everything connected to other countries in the world. It is getting rare that one can get successful without stepping out of the country. Experts in academia travel all around the country to meet specialists who share the same interest with them. Meetings like this connect beautiful minds to produce groundbreaking news in a field. Taking my professor of vector calculus for an example, his Chinese is infinitely close to the level of native speaker. He even shocked me when he responded my question with fluent Chinese, while I asked the question in English. And more importantly, he is willing to coauthor a paper with an expert from China. If he views Chinese as an inferior group like American did in 1800s, the collaboration would not happen between my professor and the Chinese expert. The point is making connection with people in different countries increases the chance for one to get successful in the future. To achieve that, the fluent language ability and an open mind are necessary. There is no doubt that studying abroad for one semester gives one chance to accomplish all these.

    However, all the benefits I mentioned above require the student to be voluntarily sent out. If the student goes abroad against his willing, then all the positivity will disappear. One of the reasons I can think of is the student is paying the expensive tuition bill and living expense all by himself and the student himself is from a destitute family. One might ask why the student still chooses to study abroad for a semester then, because, like the question states, the college and universities require the student to study abroad for at least one semester. I assume by using the word ‘require’, one will be punished severely if he does not obey the rule. The punishment might be expelling the student. If this is the case, then the student is spending the pittance from his parents and without any financial aid from the school, which can crush the student’s will at some point. He will never have the mood to blend in the local community and make connections with people there, while he desperately wants to go back to the homeland and stop wasting his parents’ money.

    Overall, to the extent of students being voluntarily, I completely agree with the statement, given he can obtain the proficiency of the language, widening mind and making connections in the local community. However, when the policy is against the student’s will, the school should not forcibly send the students

  2. #2
    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    I think you should not start your post with an adverb. First paragraph is for context setting. I dont think there is any need to put two contrasting things in the same paragraph that too in the first one. Your essay is good overall but that second line in your first paragraph ruined it.Conclusion is a little bit repetitive and does not look like finishing the paragraph.
    I think the most strongest aspect in an essay should be its introduction and conclusion. That is definitely going to affect the reader's attitude towards your essay. Make it strong

  3. #3
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    You have a solid structure but I think there are several areas for improvement:
    1. You basically disagreed with the prompt. That's fine but just say you disagree with it. There is no such thing as a "voluntary requirement." It's not a requirement if it's voluntary.
    2. You made too many grammar and usage errors. For example your second sentence contains a parallelism error. The three verbs that need to be parallel are improve, widen, and make. You need to put them in the same tense. If you make too many of these mistakes on your actual test you will not achieve a top score even if you have a solid structure.
    3. Don't use phrases like "One of the reasons I can think of..." You wrote the essay, of course you thought it. Just say "One reason is..."
    4. Don't use vague phrases like "get successful." Do you mean building connections helps you establish business relationships, collaborations in academic projects, or something else? Clarify your statements.
    Sorry if I sounded harsh. Just trying to help.

  4. #4
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    Thanks so much for your advice!!! Just leave the link of your essay if you think i am qualified and want me to look at it.

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