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Thread: My first issue-PLz PLz PLz rate....& suggest any improvements(GRE after a week)

  1. #1
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    Thumbs up My first issue-PLz PLz PLz rate....& suggest any improvements(GRE after a week)

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    The media (books, film, music, television, for example) tend to create rather than reflect the values of a society.
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    The most influential change that science has brought with it in today's world is none other than media.In fact,media is the way of expression of common peoples' feelings. The way media touched and became an integral part of our lives is amazing.But as we know,the more intimate the relations we develop with something,the more influence it creates in our lives.Same is the case with media.Media in its existing form,has not only reflected the values of the society but in turn has created them as well.Talking about the various forms of media;the television,the music, the books and films,all have in some way or the other made a deep impact in our lives.

    As the developments in science took place,one of the most influential discoveries of science emerged,the printing press.It helped the people to express their society's standards,goals,aims,customs and traditions to a much larger audience than before, simply because now the ideas were able to be printed in the form of books and newspapers which could very easily be grasped by a numnber of people.But since each person has his own thoughts & emotions attached to a praticular matter,so a number of views regarding the same topic emerged hence the position changed from one person stating his views, to a number of persons doing the same thing.Out of all these conglomeratrion of views,it was in the audiences' hand as to with whose views they agreed.Hence this lead to the "creation" of the values of the society.As an example consider the much controversial author Osho.Clearly,many people cosidered his teachings as undeniable where as many considered it as wrong way of looking at the things.This controversy arised because he presented some new kind of thoughts and definitions regarding the freeness in the society and regarding the attainment of divinity.Osho spread his feelings throughout the world via the books,audio cassettes and television.So here we see that media was thoroughly used to reflect the values of society as seen by the perspective of osho,but as seen by the perspective of his opponents, media was used to create new values of a society,though controversial.

    Coming to even more influential development,the television and the internet,they too are widely used to reflect the values of the society.We can see at the tip of our finger the morals customs and traditions, present political and cultural situation of any country or ethnic group.In fact ,after understanding the viewers taste,many channels have started to unearth the long forgotten cultures of many ancient civilizations like the harrapa culture and the mohanjodaro civilizations found by excavations in india,or the ancient egyptian traditions in giza.Not only the ancient but present and highly hidden cultures of the more esoteric and reserved tribal groups are also covered by television so that the people can know about the greatly diversified cultures present in the world,there by increasing their knowledge.

    Lastly the more popular and entertaining form of media, the films, are also contributing to the reflection and creation of the cultures and values of the society.Today the two most famous film making communities are the hollywood in the west and the bollywood in the east.The film makers are too reflecting the values of the societies by centralizing their movies on the current and controversial aspects of the values of the some societies,attacking the old and questionable methods such as Dowry,child marriage,child labor thereby reflecting the soar but true picture of some parts of the world.At the same time some movies depict a completely new way of dressing up,clothing there by bringing in new trends of fashion and hence creating the new values for people.Henxce media is quite influential.

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  2. #2
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    Pretty good overall. A few comments:


    "The most influential change that science has brought with it in today's world is none other than media." In your first sentence, you are claiming that media is the most influencial change that science has brought. This is a pretty strong claim and can be easily disputed. I don't think this will hurt you too badly, but you don't need to make such a claim. It is hard to begin an essay. In the actual test, I started with the body paragraphs and then wrote the conclusion paragraph and the introduction paragraph last. I think this is the best way to go. Make your introduction and conclusion follow your supporting arguments and not the ohter way around. Basically, all you need to do is find 3 or 4 main points, bullshit, and then throw in the intro and conclusion.

    "The way media touched and became an integral part of our lives is amazing." Instead say "The media has become an integral part of our lives." Avoid using trite adjectives.

    "Talking about the various forms of media;the television,the music, the books and films,all have in some way or the other made a deep impact in our lives." This sentence is a fragment, I understand what you are saying, but it is not properly constructed. Who is talking about the various forms of media? Instead say something like "Various forms of media such as television, music, books and films all have in some way or another made a deep impact in our lives".

    Second paragraph looks pretty good. "Osho spread his feelings throughout the world via the books,audio cassettes and television." One minor gramatical comment, when you are talking about objects, you don't need to place the word "the" in front of the objects that you are speaking about. For example, say "...via books, audio cassettes, and televisions..." rather than "via the books, audio cassettes..."

    Your third and fourth paragraphs were the best with good examples to support your argument. If you are not already doing so, after you choose your topic (or better done while you are choosing your topic) try to think of one or two powerful arguments that you can make for or against the topic you are debating. These arguements should be the first sentence of each of your body paragraphs. Finally, you left out the conclusion paragraph. Make sure in the end you summarize the author's view and the reasons why you support or are against his argument.

    Your arguments are pretty good, but you can now gain the most points on your AWA by conforming to English writing conventions:

    http://www.cliffsnotes.com/WileyCDA/...id-131126.html
    http://72.14.253.104/search?q=cache:...s&ct=clnk&cd=8
    http://www.classbrain.com/artteensb/...ticle_42.shtml

  3. #3
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    Thnx a lot pal !! You helped me uncover many of those errors...Thnx for this insightful analysis......i checked out da links too....they too are fantastic....& i see that u did exactly the same as was stated in cliff's tips..i got it !

    By the way...did i divert from the topic or was in line....& finally my this question to all the TM'ians......does this essay deserves atleast a 4 ?? Plz be frank

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    If you threw on a conclusion paragraph, I am sure it would get at least a four. Your logic is good, but you can now gain the most points by sticking to the standard English 3-point essay conventions explained by the links above. Don't stress out too much, save the stress for grad school and good luck :-)

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