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Thread: Please rate my essay and help in bottleneck

  1. #1
    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    Please rate my essay and help in bottleneck

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    Hi, dear all,
    I am facing the bottleneck and hope someone to help me out.After i practice the issues, it appear i am able to write but lack of new idea, and looks like some flaw in.as my mother tongue is not English. Kindly rate my essay and give me critic.Thank you

    Title:
    Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.

    Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.


    Educational institution is a place where the student learns knowledge and form a critical thinking which will help them success in the future career. It has responsibility on student welfare and safety when they are in the campus, however, they should not control student which study to choose, even the study has a lessen chance lead to success.

    It is not the educational institutional's obligation to restrain student from choosing the study which has less possibility to success. Freedom plays a role in university. Student should choose the study based on their interest. For example, everyone, know that marketing has a bright future as it can generate a lot of income for company. However, the industry also need engineer to help them to make the product. if every student go to study marketing, then the market will end up only has the salesman, but without product. It is insufficient to support the market by killing the student interest.

    Student should be given chance to explore on the new field of study even the study lack of promising future. A promising future means can generate a lot of revenue and bring income for educational institution. But some study like philosophy do not make money, we need it to let human conscience survive. Everyone likes to live in the rich society, but rich society also need philosophy to generate new idea to keep society healthy and grow. Philosophy is a tough subject and takes a lot of time and cost for student to study. However, if student willing to spend their on it, why not we let them go what they want? Maybe it will end up we manage to see another Newton.

    Education institution has a responsibility to make sure student can contribute to the society and do not become a moron or parasite to the society. But it should not limit itself on managing student studying field. Even the student choose the less bright future field, the educational institution can provide elective subject, to help them explore on other field, not be an expert but has basic knowledge on it. It can contribute to the student career and add extra curriculum to find the job. Education institution is a place where the student pursuit the dream but it is not essential to give them a law to follow. A responsibility to limit student choice will kill student interest and end up produce a lot of drop out from education institution

    Freedom and human right should be the priority in the education institutional. While guiding the student towards success, the education institution should not limit itself to control what student study. Instead of it, they should engage themselves to open more fields for student to choose, not only for money, but also for human mankind. Investing on the youth is also an investment on education institution itself.

  2. #2
    Eager!
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    Your essay is really really cool. I have everything understood and your thoughts are clear, you have a nice structure. But there is only one thing that I want to correct. It is that you have to use transitions such as "firstly, secondly, futhermore, moreover, additionally, all in all, all things considered etc". For example, the last paragraph would sound much better is you start it with "to sum up, freedom and ...." Good luck

  3. #3
    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    Thank you.
    As rush to match the time limit.thanks for your comment.
    I found out it is true.thank you.good luck.

  4. #4
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    I like your logic and ideas, especially your example in the first paragraph on the importance of engineers, where you write "... then the market will end up only has the salesman, but without product." I think it is very convincing.

    Some comments on grammar/mechanics (well it is actually what I am bad at and was ruined by too, because I am not a native English speaker ...)

    -------------------------------
    Educational institution is a place where the student learns knowledge and form (forms) a critical thinking which will help them success (succeed) in the future career. It has responsibility on student welfare and safety when they are in the campus, however, they should not control student which study to choose, even the study (which) has a lessen (less) chance lead (leading) to success.

    It is not the educational institutional's obligation to restrain student from choosing the study which has less possibility to success. Freedom plays a role in university. Student should choose the study based on their interest. For example, everyone, know (knows) that marketing has a bright future as it can generate a lot of income for company. However, the industry also need (needs) engineer (engineers) to help them to make the product. if every student go (goes) to study marketing, then the market will end up only has (with only) the salesman, but without product. It is insufficient to support the market by killing the student interest.

    Student should be given chance to explore on the new field of study even the study lack (lacks) of (a) promising future. A promising future means can generate () a lot of revenue and bring income for educational institution. But some study like philosophy do (does) not make money, (however) we (still) need it to let human conscience survive. Everyone likes to live in the rich society, but rich society also need (needs) philosophy to generate new idea (ideas) to keep society healthy and grow (growing). Philosophy is a tough subject and takes a lot of time and cost for student (students) to study. However, if (a) student (is) willing to spend their (time) on it, why (do) not we let them go what they want? Maybe it will end up we manage to see (as) another Newton.

    Education institution has a responsibility to make sure student (students) can contribute to the society and do not become a () moron (morons) or parasite (parasites) to the society. But it should not limit itself on managing student(s') studying field. Even the student(s) choose the (a) less bright future field, the educational institution can provide elective subject(s), to help them explore on () other field(s), not be an () expert(s) but has (those with?) basic knowledge on it. It can contribute to the student career and add extra curriculum to find the job. Education institution is a place where the student(s) pursuit the dream but it is not essential to give them a law to follow. A responsibility to limit student choice will kill student interest and end up produce (producing) a lot of drop out from education institution

    Freedom and human right should be the priority in the education institutional (institution). While guiding the student towards success, the education institution should not limit itself to control what student study. Instead of it (), they should engage themselves to open (in creating) more fields for student(s) to choose, not only for money, but also for human mankind. Investing on the youth is also an investment on education institution itself.

    -----------------------------------

    I could be wrong in many places, feel free to comment on my comments

  5. #5
    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    Many educational institution s are spelled as educational institutional, ​is it right?

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