Hi, I just had a quick overview and put my comments as per my knowledge:
1- your essay is too short, 292 words, as it is now, while it should be at least 600 words, to get a good score.
2- Upon the ETS best scores, as I found it, these flows is recommended for issue tasks:
2- You treat with your introduction and mentioning your side as an IELTS essay. but it should be more expanded here. with more details and a more clear view on it. here you should have a critical language and mention about the flaws of the statement and why you are not agree with or you are agree with. for example: " The recommendation presents a view that I would agree is successful most of the time, but one that I cannot fully support due to the bla bla bla"
- Topic definition
- Transition to Thesis
- Thesis statement
- Body 01
- Body 02
- Body 03 - It is better a concession point to be presented here.
3- I did not see the flows of the examples through the bodies, it is better to make some examples that flaws within the other paragraphs.