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Thread: Please kindly evaluate my essay

  1. #1
    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    Please kindly evaluate my essay

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    Nations should pass laws to preserve any remaining wilderness areas in their natural state, even if these areas could be developed for economic gain.
    Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.
    We’ve have only one earth to live in. If the current pace of deforestation continues, soon enough we’ll lose all the wilderness across the globe. This will lead to a complete imbalance in the ecosystem which might lead to total destruction of human civilization. So, in order to mitigate this danger of doomsday, nations should implement laws to protect the existing wilderness.
    The economy around the world has grown because of the exploitation of the natural resources. To meet the demand of food for the growing population, more forest is cleared each year. In order to supply daily supplies like toilet papers and towels, printing paper and newspapers a vast swath of forest is cleared. Some of these actions are irreversible. Those cut trees cannot be easily be replaced. A lot of wild animals gets killed during the deforestation. Soil erosion can occur in these barren land and become infertile.
    The end result of the destruction of wilderness due to human activities will be life threatening for all the flora and fauna living in this earth. The imbalance in ecosystem will lead in extinction of a lot of animals and plants. Therefore, it is imperative that nations make laws to protect whatever wilderness is remaining.
    To have laws to protect the wilderness is easier said than done. It will be a challenge to meet the demand of food and other consumables for growing population without the expense of the wilderness. Therefore, in parallel to the legislation to protect the wilderness nations must also invest in science and technology to increase production so that the available space and resources is utilized to meet the demands of its subjects. Nations should also invest in educating its citizens to minimize waste and be environmentally conscious.

  2. #2
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    Re: Please kindly evaluate my essay

    Hi, I just had a quick overview and put my comments as per my knowledge:

    1- your essay is too short, 292 words, as it is now, while it should be at least 600 words, to get a good score.

    2- Upon the ETS best scores, as I found it, these flows is recommended for issue tasks:

    - Topic definition
    - Transition to Thesis
    - Thesis statement
    - Body 01
    - Body 02
    - Body 03 - It is better a concession point to be presented here.
    - Conclusion

    2- You treat with your introduction and mentioning your side as an IELTS essay. but it should be more expanded here. with more details and a more clear view on it. here you should have a critical language and mention about the flaws of the statement and why you are not agree with or you are agree with. for example: " The recommendation presents a view that I would agree is successful most of the time, but one that I cannot fully support due to the bla bla bla"

    3- I did not see the flows of the examples through the bodies, it is better to make some examples that flaws within the other paragraphs.
    Last edited by Fatima Mottaghi; 12-01-2019 at 08:31 PM.

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