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Re: Need help- please review GRE Issue task
Hello, Shreya! Hopefully I’m not catching you too late to be of help. First off, I’d like to say that I think you’ve written a pretty good paper here—you express your ideas well, have a lot to say on the matter, and I think you would be qualified for at least a 4.0 with this essay (possibly higher, as well.) With that being said, here are some ways you may be able to improve the essay a bit, and secure an even higher score:
1. I would definitely suggest taking somewhat more of a middle ground in response to the prompt, as this is what ETS generally looks for in AWA essays. I know, it sounds a bit pointless to say “I’m more in the middle” in response to a statement when, in reality, you have a very clear stance on it, but unfortunately, it just tends not to be scored as well as an essay that does just this. Towards the end of the essay, you briefly discuss how leadership should respect their peers’ opinions as well as making the “moral decision”—I would definitely spend a bit more time on that in future essays and try to find a way to show how it would be best to take neither extreme (either that of always having decisions conform to the demands of one’s peers or that of always basing decisions off of one’s own moral convictions), and on how each one is more important in their own separate contexts.
2. There are a few mild grammar mistakes in your essay—which, of course, is usual when you only have so much time to be able to write an essay. None of them take away too much from the comprehension of what you say, nor do they alter the meaning of your statements too much, but of course, it’s always helpful to be aware of grammar mistakes that you may commonly make when under a lot of time-pressure, as being able to notice yourself making them and then fixing them before you have to turn in the essay can make the difference between a higher-quality 5.5 paper and a 6.0 paper!
3. At one point in the essay, you use an exclamation point. I would advise against this, as to my knowledge, ETS considers this not to be up to standard in academic writing, and may penalize you for it. I know that you really want to make this point stand out from the others, but to make something stand out in academic writing, the use of italics or bold print (in my experience italics are usually preferable) is a better choice for accomplishing this than the use of an exclamation point.
I hope you find these comments helpful—and keep with it! You’re already off to a good start!