I really enjoy reading your essay because I think that you chose a fascinating topic. It also has a great hook. However, there are a few grammar errors in your writing, and it would be a much better essay if you organized your three body paragraphs better. Right now, I can tell that you have done a lot of great research, but sometimes you repeat the same idea in different paragraphs. By organizing your ideas better, you can avoid repeating yourself and can create a stronger thesis. It can also help you to avoid writing paragraphs that seem to ramble on about facts that you learned, instead of focusing on persuading the reader on specific points that you want to prove. If you could just simplify your paragraphs to single ideas, the reader will be able to follow what you are saying and believe you, which is ultimately the goal in writing papers.
Hope this helps!
Good job and keep up the good work.