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Thread: Please grade my essay. I will be appearing for test on September 23

  1. #1
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    1 out of 1 members found this post helpful. Good post? Yes | No

    Please grade my essay. I will be appearing for test on September 23

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    Some people think that hard working and determination are the key factors for being successful in the life, other people feel that other factors are important. Discuss both sides, what is your opinion?

    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Every individual aspires to be successful in life. But, the success is influenced by various parameters. Often there are different opinions as to what are the key factors that constitute success. According to some it is hard work and determination but for others it is some other factors. The essay throws light on both the sides of this coin.

    Success does not kindle by chance. It happens by continued focus and sincere efforts of an individual. For instance, to be a good dancer one has to practice it regularly. These factors help a person to nurture and enhance his or her talent and skills and also help build self confidence which is very crucial ingredient of victory.

    On the other hand, the other factors like good health, financial stability, right attitude, opportunity, and luck also are needed. For example, no matter how hard the dancer practices the dance, unless he or she gets the platform to show case the talent his hard work has no meaning, and is often defined unsuccessful. Therefore, the aspects like these also help an individual in culminating with success.

    Therefore, though hard work is important to polish the skills of an individual, without right opportunities, good health, and financial stability one does not get a chance to showcase the talent and skills, and hence cannot become successful. After pondering over all the factors, it is obvious that success is the result of right combination of hard work, determination, good health and opportunities, and hence all the factors play vital role in the road to success.

  2. #2
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    Good post? Yes | No
    You are using some 'flowery' words and phrases. Academic English, compared to academic forms of other languages, is simple and clear, not beautiful and complex. If you are preparing for IELTS in a native-English speaking country, pull back a little on the idioms and 'impressive' words.

    However, you have good grammar, good vocabulary, good structure and the question is answered well. You should get a 7.0+ (or 7.5+ in India, China...). Some suggestions and corections (but not all) are:

    In the introduction: "some other factors" is informal. Just say "other factors" if there are more than 2 or 3 and list them if there are less. In addition,academic English rarely uses idioms. "throws light on both the sides of this coin" is a mix of idioms and does not belong in an essay. "This essay will examine a number of factors and evaluate their contribution to success." is better, as it actually gives an overview of what you will do.

    In the body: 1."kindle" should be in the passive to be grammatically correct and be replaced by "come" to sound more academic.
    2."very crucial" is meaningless. Just "crucial" is correct. "
    3. "is often defined unsuccessful" should be " is often defined as unsuccessful.
    4. "culminating with" should be "achieving"

    In the conclusion, your final sentence contains many superfluous words. It could read: "Success is the result of the right combination of many factors, including hard work, determination, good health and opportunities."

    I hope this helps.
    Mike
    ielts2u - an IELTS writing-help website

  3. #3
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    Good post? Yes | No
    It really helps Mike. Thanks a lot.
    I was mislead that idioms help in scoring better grades. Though I belong to India, I shall still try to keep the essay academic.
    In my next essay I will try to improvise based on your suggesstions.

    I have one more question, is it not academic to use English proverbs also ?

    Thanks again.

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    Mike,

    I have another question for you. What does academic essay exactly mean?. I understood it as a one of the ways to write essay and has got nothing to do with IELTS.
    Or are you referring to the academic category in IELTS. If so then I am undertaking general IELTS test. In that case should idioms be used or not.

    Thank you.

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    Good post? Yes | No
    Hi Sandy,
    Sorry, I didn't realize you were doing a General test. Idioms are fine in that case.
    My mistake:0
    I would only be guessing at your General Training score for India, but I am sure it will be very high.
    Mike

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    Writing academic,Please any one grade me and give me a band,as I got 7.5 in my 1st attempt,as i need band 8
    Nowadays in a modern society punishment are established in order to reduce crimes and bring everlasting security and justice in a society.Setting punishment for each type of crime is a debatable issue.People argue that punishment must be in regard to act, however another group of people believe that verdict must be implemented by taking consideration of circumstances and motivations. It can only be justified by analyzing the situation for crime before deducing the punishment.

    Circumstances for the crime is very important issue for a crime.For example,killing someone in self defense can't be compared with a lunatic killing for pleasure.However it must not be forgotten that a culprit may be exempted for his/her sin if he/she is able to prove the court that the incident took place as a act of self defense.Thus ,a court must be vigilant in giving its verdict after thoroughly examining the scene before deducing its final judgement.

    Secondly,motivation for committing a crime is a serious factor that impels one individual to be a criminal.For instance, a hungry person are forced to steal in a situation of drought and famine to satisfy his/her needs.On the other hand,it is not comparable to a person who mixes a stone in a raw food materials,purely to earn financial incentives.In addition, if an incident took place that didn't have any harmful effect,then it is not justifiable to categories it as a crime.Nevertheless ,it is very wise to analysis the crime before judgement.
    .
    On summary,it can be conceded that fixed punishment for each type of crime is not applicable to modern society,rather circumstances and motivations must be properly taken into account.Furthermore,it can be totally exemplified by crimes done in self defense and stealing during famine. On the contrary, it is also wise to understand the scenario of crime so that a culprit may not escape from wrong deeds.

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