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Thread: Check my essay task-2

  1. #1
    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    Question Check my essay task-2

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    Hi,
    Could anyone check my essay task-2 and let me know what estimated score I would get in my original IELTS?If possible grade me in all 4 sections which are task achievement,lexical resource,grammer and cohesion.
    Thanks.


    Some people feel that certain workers like nurses, doctors and teachers are undervalued and should be paid more, especially when other people like film actors or company bosses are paid huge sums of money that are out of proportion to the importance of the work that they do.
    -How far do you agree?
    -What criteria should be used to decide how much people are paid?


    The issue of whether nurses, doctors and teachers are paid more than film actors have sparkled heated debate among the community. Whilst movie stars and company executives paid more possibly due to their work or popularity, however, the contribution of the teachers and doctors should not be forgotten. It will be proven in the following paragraphs stating the importance of doctor and teachers.
    Firstly, Celebrities gets paid huge amount of money due to their popularity. These people are watched by public every single day who get popularity probably due to their look, personality or may be controversial image. Furthermore, people worship their favourite personality in some countries; celebrities get the endorsement with huge amount of bucks as a result. On the other hand, company directors work probably for multinational companies where they have to bare different situations and have to make strategic tactics for company to get rid of it. These people are well deserved to paid high amount of perks.
    However, one should not forget the importance of community’s important people like doctors and teachers who plays the significant role in person’s life. These are the people who serve the community every single day for a good cause. For example, Doctors check their patient and give appropriate treatment whereas teachers give very important lessons to pupils which help them in the future. For instance, kids learn maths, science, English. Apart from this, they learn time management skills, traditional business knowledge, history and more.
    Finally, I agree doctors and teachers are underpaid compare to celebrities and business tycoons which are obviously due to ignorance by public. However, people should understand all the characters and decide who plays an important role in their own life and wages should be decided based on those criteria.
    Last edited by RJ00; 07-11-2013 at 07:20 AM.

  2. #2
    Eager!
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    Hi,
    This is much better. You would get a strong 6.0 for this.
    Your structure is good and your argument is clear. HOWEVER, you did not answer the question well. 'How far do you agree?' Is not the same as 'Do you agree?' You need to say something like 'To a large extent, I agree that...' Secondly, and more importantly, you do not have a paragraph that deals with 'What criteria...?'
    At this stage, you might also want to work with a friend or a teacher in your country on grammar. Some of the mistakes are very simple (celebrities gets). These kinds of mistakes will be punished heavily. Others are more intermediate mistakes ('Whilst....however' and relative clauses).
    You also sometimes seem to use complicated vocabulary which is unnecessary. 'These people are well deserved to paid high amount of perks.' is a very bad sentence. Keep it simple. You will get a better score and seem less like you are just translating.
    So...task achievement = 5.5
    Lexical resource = 6.0 - 6.5
    Grammar = 5.5
    Cohesion = 6.5
    Contact an experienced teacher in your town. I can see that you have the potential, but you will need someone to point out all these things essay after essay.
    I hope this helps.
    Mike

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