This is much better. You would get a strong 6.0 for this.
Your structure is good and your argument is clear. HOWEVER, you did not answer the question well. 'How far do you agree?' Is not the same as 'Do you agree?' You need to say something like 'To a large extent, I agree that...' Secondly, and more importantly, you do not have a paragraph that deals with 'What criteria...?'
At this stage, you might also want to work with a friend or a teacher in your country on grammar. Some of the mistakes are very simple (celebrities gets). These kinds of mistakes will be punished heavily. Others are more intermediate mistakes ('Whilst....however' and relative clauses).
You also sometimes seem to use complicated vocabulary which is unnecessary. 'These people are well deserved to paid high amount of perks.' is a very bad sentence. Keep it simple. You will get a better score and seem less like you are just translating.
So...task achievement = 5.5
Lexical resource = 6.0 - 6.5
Grammar = 5.5
Cohesion = 6.5
Contact an experienced teacher in your town. I can see that you have the potential, but you will need someone to point out all these things essay after essay.
I hope this helps.