I am preparing for IELTS, and since all centers are closed due to COVID-19 I can not get my writings assessed (I do not find online teaching comfortable). I have written this essay and I wonder if someone here who has experience in IELTS can assess it for me:
QUESTION: Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
MY ANSWER:
Celebrities are being widely well-known all around the globe. They gain their reputation essentially from being prosperous and chic. This essay will discuss whether they deserve their publicity or not, in addition, it will debate the influence of celebrities on young people.
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It is no arguing that lights are being shed on celebrities such as actors and singers more than any other group of people, even scientists, and writers, although they do have a great impact on our lives. So, celebrities may have a greater role in forming young people personalities. Hence, young people may grow up believing that it no problem to judge a book by its cover. Since they always see famous people being treated well due to the cars, jewelry, and the money they own, regardless of their ethics and moral values. Despite some celebrities are good and do purposeful work, others do not have a message to work for, which makes it hard for families to persuade their children that living without a target is a bad thing.
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Looking at our society nowadays leads us to an obvious result, in youth society, the former is working hard in science-related fields but have a fear of not achieving what the celebrities have, the latter is taking famous people as their models without realizing how they affected our society. Not only do young people take them as examples, but also, they simulate what is being shown in movies no matter how bad it is. For example, if an adolescent watched their best actor in a scene that contains violence, he or she will imitate it unthinking of it. Because they believe that their model is good and do not do bad activities.
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To sum up, this essay outlined the position of celebrities in our community today and showed up what they represent in young people lives. In my opinion, there should be rules and principles to organize the work and the appearance of celebrities. This would help us create a conscious generation that can contribute to helping our world to progress.
(343 words)

Thanks!!