GRE Issue Essay (need volunteers to edit)

[Guest Ishas Jolly]

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I would appreciate it if the community could help grade my GRE essay. Please be advised that it is my first time writing an essay for the GRE, so I would appreciate all the feedback I can get. Thanks http://forum.thegradcafe.com/public/style_emoticons/default/smile.png

Prompt: "Some people believe that our ever-increasing use of technology significantly reduces our opportunities for human interaction. Other people believe that technology provides us with new and better ways to communicate and connect with one another."

Essay:

Technology allows mobility within practicality. It is an integral part of our lives that allows communication to occur for various purposes; business, education, health are amongst many that use it. It follows that it would be naive to claim that e-communication actually hampers human interaction within individuals. Particularly, it can be seen that technology mediums can be used to interact within institutions and allow effective communication to employers.

A popular platform that illustrates this is LinkedIn. Individuals looking to portray their CV and skills to potential employers create a virtual profile that can be viewed by any firm. This allows him/her to reach a wider employer base and tap in to organisation with minimal expense. The alternative view suggests that the individual would have to visit each and every one of these institutions to start the recruitment process; let alone go through to the second or third interview if they progress further. An overall time consuming and expensive process, where practicality is not achieved.

Furthermore, businesses enjoy heightened levels of productivity with the use of technology within the structure. Employees can deal with issues regardless of the time and place, leading to lower delays of work within the firm. Consider an employee that could not use technology to communicate with his counterparts in another business. A meeting would have to be set up at a mutually convenient location (which often is not convenient at all) and the matters would have to be dealt with. The use of communicative technology would allow this meet to be done virtually within a time scale of hours, rather than days.

Some may argue that the use of this technology results in an urging dependance, which if taken away, can be deleterious. Fortunately, as time has passed, we live in a virtual and interconnected world where technology has risen and been distributed to the furthest corners of the Earth. It is very hard to claim that if a personal computer breaks down, an individual is 'stuck' and left twiddling their thumbs. The more likely scenario is that there is a form of technology relatively close-by which can be used to continue the individual's integration within the global community.

In essence, one must realise that technology is a key component in daily life today. We cannot progress much without the use of communicative instruments designed to keep us more interconnected than humanely interactive. Although we may lose the personal human touch in matters, communication does undoubtedly increase our access to the general community.

[shivsonal]

Hello everybody http://forum.thegradcafe.com/public/style_emoticons/default/smile.png

I would appreciate it if the community could help grade my GRE essay. Please be advised that it is my first time writing an essay for the GRE, so I would appreciate all the feedback I can get. Thanks http://forum.thegradcafe.com/public/style_emoticons/default/smile.png

 

Prompt: "Some people believe that our ever-increasing use of technology significantly reduces our opportunities for human interaction. Other people believe that technology provides us with new and better ways to communicate and connect with one another."

 

Essay:

 

Technology allows mobility within practicality. It is an integral part of our lives that allows communication to occur for various purposes; business, education, health are amongst many that use it. It follows that it would be naive to claim that e-communication actually hampers human interaction within individuals.

Particularly, it can be seen that technology mediums can be used to interact within institutions and allow effective communication to employers.

A popular platform that illustrates this is LinkedIn. Individuals looking to portray their CV and skills to potential employers create a virtual profile that can be viewed by any firm. This allows him/her to reach a wider employer base and tap in to organisation with minimal expense. The alternative view suggests that the individual would have to visit each and every one of these institutions to start the recruitment process; let alone go through to the second or third interview if they progress further. An overall time consuming and expensive process, where practicality is not achieved.

 

Furthermore, businesses enjoy heightened levels of productivity with the use of technology within the structure. Employees can deal with issues regardless of the time and place, leading to lower delays of work within the firm. Consider an employee that could not use technology to communicate with his counterparts in another business. A meeting would have to be set up at a mutually convenient location (which often is not convenient at all) and the matters would have to be dealt with. The use of communicative technology would allow this meet to be done virtually within a time scale of hours, rather than days.

 

Some may argue that the use of this technology results in an urging dependance, which if taken away, can be deleterious. Fortunately, as time has passed, we live in a virtual and interconnected world where technology has risen and been distributed to the furthest corners of the Earth. It is very hard to claim that if a personal computer breaks down, an individual is 'stuck' and left twiddling their thumbs. The more likely scenario is that there is a form of technology relatively close-by which can be used to continue the individual's integration within the global community.

 

In essence, one must realise that technology is a key component in daily life today. We cannot progress much without the use of communicative instruments designed to keep us more interconnected than humanely interactive. Although we may lose the personal human touch in matters, communication does undoubtedly increase our access to the general community.

I think you could be more broad in your first paragraph "Particularly, it can be seen that technology mediums can be used to interact within institutions and allow effective communication to employers."and you just didn't mention mobile communcation I wonder ....You also need to improve upon your sentence formation