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Thread: Grade my SAT essays PL3ASE!

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    Grade my SAT essays PL3ASE!

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    Please tell me score out of 12 and points of mistakes. ALso what can i improve. YES IT ALL FITS ON the answer sheet?


    Topic: Should people take the responsibility to solve problems that affect their communities or nation?

    Ever since the dawn of time, man has become less and less self reliant. The invention of technology and the creation of government has undermined our independence and self sufficiency. It is crucial that people take the responsibility to solve problems that affect their communities or nation. Throughout society, literature, and films, the evidence to support my viewpoint is pervasive.

    Through the actions of Kevin Boateng, poor families in southern Lousiana are receiving gifts for the holidays and the necessities of food such as food and drinkable water. During the famed press conference, Kevin Boateng told his motives for creating the LEHA (Lets feed and help America). He proudly stated "One day I was walking through walmart and an austere and astute boy asked his mother to buy him a snickers bar, a mere snickers bar. His mom sadly told him that they did not have enough money to afford it. Then the poor boy began to cry. This incident propelled me to create the LEHA because I realized the hardships in life and the little effort outside forces are doing to help families like these" As of 2010, the LFHA has raised over $450,000 through fundraisers, donations, and community festivals, to donate to impoverished families. Hence, Kevin Boateng's action of taking the responsibility to help destitute families in his community has enlightened the lives of many families and individuals.

    In the famed play Oedipus Rex, Oedipus took it upon himself to rid the City of Corinth from thieves. In Corinth the theft rate was at an enormous 45%, a dazzling number. Unfortunately, the King of Corinth, King Lalibea, was not an advocate of arresting the robberies; infact, nobody really cared until they were robbed and many of the robbed did not stand up and do anything. When Oedipus was robbed, he decided it was time to take action, to make a difference. In his plot, he set up many sly and deceiving traps. The robbers literally walked into the traps because they had not faced any opposition in years. Every night he would behead every man he found caught in his traps. The people of Corinth were joyous and gay. The news spread to King Lalibea and he immedietly took note of Oedipus' action. As a result, Oedipus was appointed Head of the Chamber of Defense of Corinth. As one can clearly see, Oedipus' action of reducing the theft rate has made Corinth a peaceful and idyllic city.

    In the blockbuster film Equilibrium by Roy Hendriksory, the State of Isabell was in frantic disarray. There were no laws prohibiting any act. There was no government, just a hereditary king that truly had no power. There were robberies, assassinations, mockery, heresy and not one man decided to do anything about it; even the king refused to help in fear of being assassinated. One dutch-man Nigel de Jong decided the time to wait was over and the time to act has come. He immediately pursued action. He set up committees, or miniature governments, throughout the land to govern a small section. Over time this grew into a large feudal system that had law and order. The citizens now lived in bliss and were fearless of crime because it was very rare because Nigel De Jong decided to take the responsibility to solve a major problem or crisis in his nation.

    After a careful analysis of Kevin Boateng, Oedipus Rex, and Nigel de Jong, one can see that it is indeed crucial for people to take responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities and their nation. The world might not be where it is today if people like Kevin Boateng or Nigel de Jong did not take responsibility for solving problems and become mavericks of their time.





    Topic: Is it necessary to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority

    Ever since the dawn of time, man has been reluctant to follow the decisions and believe the ideas of people in positions of authority. This unique attitude has led to many rebellions and social reforms. In my opinion, it is crucial to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority. Throughout literature, society, and films, the evidence to support my viewpoint is pervasive.

    In the famed Greek play Oedipus Rex by Euriphedes, Oedipus defies the authority of King Lalibea of Corinth, an unjust and tyrannical ruler. Oedipus believed in freedom and a pristine world free of corruption. On numerous occasions when King Lalibea held public ceremonies and rituals, Oedipus defiantly questioned the decisions of King Lalibea such as invading the innocent Persians, and murdering the East Orthodox Pope of Constantinople. Oedipus’ voice and magnetic personality inspired the numerous peasant class and powerful merchant class to obtain a wider view and perceive King Lalibea as he truly is: a tyrant. Shortly after, social reform followed which freed the City of Corinth from the authoritarian rule of King Lalibea. For another 150 years the land was bliss and uncorrupted. Hence, Oedipus’ defiant and obdurate skepticism of the government had many bright and positive effects.

    Also, one should take note of Huang Du Li, a reformist in the 1400’s during the Haji Shogunate’s rule of Japan. Huang Du Li lived in a major city named Astentine; there were no laws circumscribing the actions of the people and one was free to do whatever one pleased. The only form of punishment was personal revenge and the Shogun Ali Squan decided he did not want to abolish his current method of government. However, Huang Du Li did not prefer Ali Squan’s form of government and decided to find a new way to govern the country of Japan. Therefore, after making an educational trip to the splendid city of Shen Hai in China, Huang Du Li noted the orderly system of government and the equanimity present in China. He returned to Japan in hopes of implementing what he learned. Therefore, he began preaching in the city square of Tanzantia, the economic and political capital of Japan. By using sophistry, he won the favor of the strong merchant class and the powerful samurai class. Soon many other reformists such as the future shogun Ju li Hann joined his assault on Ali Squan’s totalitarian form of government. After the famed 40 year war, Japan became a democracy by destroying the earlier unadvocated tyrannical government. As one can clearly see, Huang Di Li’s questioning of the government proved to be a catalyst for important social reform.

    In the film Equilibrium by John R Renyolds, everyone is required to take a daily injection of Intenside, a drug the blocks all human emotion temporarily. One day, Garret Taylor inscrutably loses his daily dose of Intenide. He began to view the world in a completely arcane way. After carefully analyzing the supreme leader, Father, he decides to make a rebellion for social reform. Taylor’s epiphany propelled him to make clandestine videos demonstrating the caustic behavior of Father because Father made many inhumane and bizarre decisions such as to eliminate all handicaps and to kill anyone who speaks against him. 50 years after Taylors death, a fellow rebel discovered Taylor’s videos and revealed them to the public. Soon after, many powerful people were beginning to realize how oblivious they had been to Father’s actions and they immediately overthrew him. In perspective , Garret Taylor’s ability to challenge the decisions of Father, even in the face of danger, proved to be sufficient in creating a pristine and idyllic world.

    After a careful analysis of Oedipus Rex, Huang Du Lim and Garret Taylor, one can see that questioning the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority is crucial to maintain equanimity and bliss.

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    Good post? Yes | No
    I'll comment as time permits; I won't be able to comment on everything, and I don't believe I'll get to the second one, unfortunately.

    Anyone else care to give it a read?
    Quote Originally Posted by ravindu View Post
    Ever since the dawn of time, man has become less and less self reliant. Comment: Humans did not exist when time began. Avoid using 'man' to refer to humans; choose a non-sexist term instead. The invention of technology and the creation of government has have undermined our independence and self sufficiency. It is crucial that people take the responsibility to solve problems that affect their communities or nation. Throughout society, literature, and films, the evidence to support my viewpoint is pervasive.

    Through the actions of Kevin Boateng, poor families in southern Lousiana are receiving gifts for the holidays and the necessities of food such as food and drinkable water. During the famed press conference, Kevin Boateng told his motives for creating the LEHA (Lets feed and help America). He proudly stated "One day I was walking through walmart and an austere and astute boy asked his mother to buy him a snickers bar, a mere snickers bar. His mom sadly told him that they did not have enough money to afford it. Then the poor boy began to cry. This incident propelled me to create the LEHA because I realized the hardships in life and the little effort outside forces are doing to help families like these" It is implausible that you would quote at this length on the official SAT, as no outside resources are allowed. As of 2010, the LFHA has raised over $450,000 through fundraisers, donations, and community festivals, to donate to impoverished families. Hence, Kevin Boateng's action of taking the responsibility to help destitute families in his community has enlightened the lives of many families and individuals.Good story and example, but you need to make the point that had Boateng not performed this work, it would not have been done.

    In the famed play Oedipus Rex, Since the SAT essay is handwritten, you should follow standard punctuation rules for titles--quotes for shorter works, underlines for longer works (plays are considered longer). Oedipus took it upon himself to rid the City of Corinth from thieves. In Corinth the theft rate was at an enormous 45%, a dazzling number. Unfortunately, the King of Corinth, King Lalibea, was not an advocate of arresting the robberies robbers?; infact, nobody really cared until they were robbed and many of the robbed did not stand up and do anything. When Oedipus was robbed, he decided it was time to take action, to make a difference. In his plot, he set up many sly and deceiving traps. The robbers literally walked into the traps because they had not faced any opposition in years. Every night he would behead every man he found caught in his traps. The people of Corinth were joyous and gay. The news spread to King Lalibea and he immedietly took note of Oedipus' action. As a result, Oedipus was appointed Head of the Chamber of Defense of Corinth. As one can clearly see, Oedipus' action of reducing the theft rate has made Corinth a peaceful and idyllic city.Same point as above--you need to show that this good would not have existed without the effort of an individual.

    In the blockbuster film Equilibrium by Roy Hendriksory, the State of Isabell was in frantic disarray. There were no laws prohibiting any act. There was no government, just a hereditary king that truly had no power. There were robberies, assassinations, mockery, heresy and not one man decided to do anything about it; even the king refused to help in fear of being assassinated. One dutch-man Nigel de Jong decided the time to wait was over and the time to act has come. He immediately pursued action. He set up committees, or miniature governments, throughout the land to govern a small section. Over time this grew into a large feudal system that had law and order. The citizens now lived in bliss and were fearless of crime because it was very rare because Nigel De Jong decided to take the responsibility to solve a major problem or crisis in his nation.Ditto previous comments.

    After a careful analysis of Kevin Boateng, Oedipus Rex, and Nigel de Jong, one can see that it is indeed crucial for people to take responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities and their nation. The world might not be where it is today if people like Kevin Boateng or Nigel de Jong did not take responsibility for solving problems and become mavericks of their time.
    Final comments: I see this kind of essay a lot--very nice writing, good sentence variety, a relatively high level of vocabulary, and fairly precise use of language, but lacking deeper development of the core issues. Your essay essentially gives three examples of people who did something good for society. However, to my mind, you have not made the point that it is their duty to perform these acts for any reason, moral, ethical, personal, humanitarian, or otherwise.

    My estimate of the score of this is a relatively high 5/6; to ensure a 6/6, you need to develop the deeper ideas implied in the essay prompt. Oh, I should point out that you wrote a LOT. Did you write this in 25 minutes?

    At any rate, this is a great start.
    ☼ Waiting for Godot

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