I'll comment as time permits; I won't be able to comment on everything, and I don't believe I'll get to the second one, unfortunately.
Anyone else care to give it a read?
My estimate of the score of this is a relatively high 5/6; to ensure a 6/6, you need to develop the deeper ideas implied in the essay prompt. Oh, I should point out that you wrote a LOT. Did you write this in 25 minutes?
At any rate, this is a great start.