Are you Chinese? This essay looks like the essays of my Chinese students.
Well, the essay has a lot of grammar mistakes, many that impede understanding, in fact. There are numerous word form and verb tense errors. I actually have a hard time following the essay, which is never a good sign.
But I really like your ideas. I like the story (that I think) you're telling. It's a good one.
Your essay has the elements to score perhaps a 4 out of 6. With the mistakes the way it is, it would probably get a 2 or 3 out of 6.
I suggest that you rewrite this, trying to correct all of your mistakes. Don't worry about how long it takes, just do it. Trust me, it's really, really important.