Score my essay!!!! Prepping for Oct 2008 SAT

[cd12321]

Suggest a score with meaningful rationale. I may decide to major in English in college so give me a worthwhile critique, so please don't waste your time and mine.

 

 

The prompt:

Describing his vision for the world's future, President Franklin D. Roosevelt told Congress in 1941 that "...we look forward to a world founded upon for essential human freedoms. The first is freedom of speech and expression.... The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his [or her] own way.... The third is freedom from want.... The fourth is freedom from fear."

 

Assignment: All four freedoms are crucial in a free society. Yet, Roosevelt may be faulted for not adding a fifth, a sixth, or even more freedoms to the list. Given the opportunity to add another freedom, what would you choose? Feel free to invent a new freedom or simply pick one that already exists in the Bill of Rights or elsewhere. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your observations, experience, studies or reading.

 

ESSAY

Can we ever truly separate church and state in society? Can politics really exist outside the realm of religion? As long as religious fundamentalism proliferates, I doubt it. While freedom of the government from obstructing religion has been long sought, freedom of religion from obstructing government is far less ostensible but far more exigent.

 

The catastrophe on September eleventh, 2001, a day the world will never forget, epitomizes the danger of the influence of fundamentalist regimes in government. Fatal are the consequences of any mass movement which advocates homicide and brutality; thus, the Taliban who exemplify such a movement should not ever rise to power or myriad lives might be devastated. How can any society function effectively when the heads of state preach murder and hatred? When religious radicalism becomes out of hand in a region and infiltrates the government, it is unlikely any progress can be made. For example, the formerly Taliban infested Iraq has been anything but productive during the last several years. Instead it is war torn and leveled in many areas. Consequently, there should be safeguards in government that can truly desist any religious minority from speaking and acting for the majority. Although religious fundamentalism may only seem to affect only foreign countries like Iraq, it is closer than people might think.

 

During the Bush administration (lol), Conservative Christian values often influenced many political decisions. More than any other controversy, gay marriage has sparked a powder keg of political animosity and further stratified opposing political parties. Ardently opposed by Bush and his sympathizers, gay marriage is seen as immoral through the lens of the bible. As a result, gays are deprived of their right to a pursuit of happiness, which is cited by Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence as a fundamental, innate right. Religious principles should not dictate the decisions of political leaders not only because they often have destructive consequences but because they defy the very logic that our country espouses. So how is it possible that religion could have such a stronghold in politics! In the United States of all places, religious fervor continues to cloud the minds of those in power. Their decisions not only have political ramifications but scientific ones, too.

 

In the field of medicine, the advent of stem cell research holds immeasurable promise but inflames much debate over its religious considerations. As piquing as a fully body rash, debates between stem cell research pundits and religious "scholars" over the extent to which scientists "play god" only waste time that could be used to save lives. But even still, Senators, Governors, Mayors, City Councilmen and representatives with any form of political power deny scientists of their much needed grants to continue research. Religion and government really only cause people to butt heads about matters that would take merely a fraction of a second to decide in a more logical body politic.

 

Might a Senator be stricken with incurable liver cancer one day god forbid, it would be a pity for him to realize that he petered his own chances of survival when he struck down grants for stem cell researchers. It is no surprise that when religious extremists be it the Taliban or a Congressman of the Bush Administration seize power, a wake of destruction follows in their path. Freedom from religion, thus, is indescribably vital to any society. Therefore, the "United" States of America that FDR had in mind will forever be a misnomer if we continue to let religion in government tear us apart.

[jennahu]

You essay is really good. I think I need your help to improve my essay. :tup:

[cd12321]

lol thanks.

Ok sure, if you post an essay, I'll grade it.

[Erin]

I'm pretty happy to take a look at SAT essays; I would like to see more SAT activity in the forum.

 

Here goes...

 

Suggest a score with meaningful rationale. I may decide to major in English in college so give me a worthwhile critique, so please don't waste your time and mine.

 

 

The prompt: President Franklin D. Roosevelt told Congress in 1941 that "...we look forward to a world founded upon for essential human freedoms. The first is freedom of speech and expression.... The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his [or her] own way.... The third is freedom from want.... The fourth is freedom from fear."

 

Assignment: All four freedoms are crucial in a free society. Yet, Roosevelt may be faulted for not adding a fifth, a sixth, or even more freedoms to the list. Given the opportunity to add another freedom, what would you choose? Feel free to invent a new freedom or simply pick one that already exists in the Bill of Rights or elsewhere.

First, this is a fine essay topic for essays in general, but it's a bit different from the official SAT topics that I've seen. You should familiarize yourself with the official SAT prompts during your SAT prep.

 

ESSAY

Can we ever truly separate church and state in society? Can politics really exist outside the realm of religion? As long as religious fundamentalism proliferates, I doubt it. While freedom of the government from obstructing religion has been long sought, freedom of religion from obstructing government is far less ostensible but far more exigent.

Comment--I don't think that using ostensible as predicative adjective ('the reason is ostensible') here works; try using ostensible as an attributive adjective ('the ostensible reason'). This advice is particularly important in your case since the awkward use of the word ostensible makes it harder for the SAT essay scorer to understand your 'thesis statement', i.e., the point you are trying to prove.

 

 

The catastrophe on September eleventh, 2001, a day the world will never forget, epitomizes the danger of the influence of fundamentalist regimes in government. Fatal are the consequences of any mass movement which advocates homicide and brutality; thus, the Taliban who exemplify such a movement should not ever rise to power or myriad lives might be devastated. How can any society function effectively when the heads of state preach murder and hatred? When religious radicalism becomes out of hand in a region and infiltrates the government, it is unlikely any progress can be made. For example, the formerly Taliban infested Iraq has been anything but productive during the last several years. Instead it is war torn and leveled in many areas. Consequently, there should be safeguards in government that can truly desist any religious minority from speaking and acting for the majority. Although religious fundamentalism may only seem to affect only foreign countries like Iraq, it is closer than people might think.

You need to prove with examples your point that fundamentalism is 'closer'. Be sure to make your thesis clear. Also, you should change desist to stop; desist is an intransitive verb and therefore cannot have an object.

During the Bush administration (lol), Conservative Christian values often influenced many political decisions. More than any other controversy, gay marriage has sparked a powder keg of political animosity and further stratified opposing political parties. Ardently opposed by Bush and his sympathizers, gay marriage is seen as immoral through the lens of the bible. As a result, gays are deprived of their right to a pursuit of happiness, which is cited by Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence as a fundamental, innate right. Religious principles should not dictate the decisions of political leaders not only because they often have destructive consequences but because they defy the very logic that our country espouses. So how is it possible that religion could have such a stronghold in politics! In the United States of all places, religious fervor continues to cloud the minds of those in power. Their decisions not only have political ramifications but scientific ones, too.

Nice writing, but this feels more like a piece of rhetoric than an essay; again, be sure to look at some SAT essay topics. And again, what is the point you are trying to make in this paragraph? I'm not sure. That same-sex marriage should be permitted? That it has caused controversy?

 

 

In the field of medicine, the advent of stem cell research holds immeasurable promise but inflames much debate over its religious considerations. As piquing as a fully body rash, debates between stem cell research pundits and religious "scholars" over the extent to which scientists "play god" only waste time that could be used to save lives. But even still, Senators, Governors, Mayors, City Councilmen and representatives with any form of political power deny scientists of their much needed grants to continue research. Religion and government really only cause people to butt heads about matters that would take merely a fraction of a second to decide in a more logical body politic.

 

Might a Senator be stricken with incurable liver cancer one day god forbid, it would be a pity for him to realize that he petered his own chances of survival when he struck down grants for stem cell researchers. It is no surprise that when religious extremists be it the Taliban or a Congressman of the Bush Administration seize power, a wake of destruction follows in their path. Freedom from religion, thus, is indescribably vital to any society. Therefore, the "United" States of America that FDR had in mind will forever be a misnomer if we continue to let religion in government tear us apart.

Okay, all my comments still stand. My main 'takeaway' with this is that it's nice writing, but it doesn't do what the SAT asks--to support your point of view with examples.

 

How much time did you spend on this? It appears to have much more than 25 minutes of writing into it. But the good news is that you certainly seem to have potential to score well. :)

[cd12321]

wow, you really have EXCELLENT advice! I meant for my thesis to be how religion should have no place in government and although it wasn't clear at times, I was just trying to illustrate some areas where religion can have negative consequences. Your grammar knowledge is impressive! And because I took an AP Language class that focused on rhetoric for an entire year, my writing style has changed too. How can I go about making my examples more clear than they currently are? Do you have any suggetsions that might work well with my thesis? And lol I really did write the essay in approx 25 minutes!

[jennahu]

thank you

but my writing really sucks

like can u give me suggestions how the format how all the SAT essay goes?

and also like whenever i read other people's essay, they all have examples from books or history, and I can never do that, my writing is like a middle schooler, and it's bothering me a lot:(

[jennahu]

oh yeah have you written an essay about happiness?

[cd12321]

Yeah sure I can tell you how to write well. That I piece together ideas apparently superbly is an overstatement apparently because some of my ideas were hard to follow. But I know what I could have done differently.

 

Anyway, if you want to improve how you write do the following:

1. spark notes 1000 SAT words - 100 words every week, flashcards of every word you do not know. Review the words you do not know every day.

2. Barron's writing workbook for the SAT

 

Writing is really not so difficult as people think. Just vary sentence structure meaning

1. Start sentences with ing verbals like

Basking in the sun, the roses bloomed

2. Start sentences with ed words

Bothered by his little brother, jack punched his meddling brother in the kidneys.

3. Start sentences with infintives

To be or not to be, that is the question

4. Inverted sentences

Foul was the smell that reared forth from his rectal cavity

5. Original comparison

As tough as a wrecking ball

as silly as putty

as reliable as a sheepdog

as corrosive as boiling acid

as broiling as molten lava

6. Use anecdotes in introductions

7. Use the active voice not passive voice (subject performs action)

active: I het her

passive: She was hit by me

8. Vary sentence length

Sitting on the beach and reclining comfortably in her chair, Angelina Jolie was topless for all to see, without care for her exposure. She was reckless.

9. Vary punctuation

Wow! How could she do something like that?

You are a homosexual; you sleep with men.

10. Use quotations to begin or end essays

when writing conclusions, bring readers up to date or poject them into the future

 

To paraphrase an old saying, "what you don't know can't hurt you."

BUT TRY TO AVOID CLICHES AND OTHER HACKNEYED EXPRESSIONS

 

conclusions that brings reader up to date:

"When the history of the twenety first century is wrtitne, let us hope that AIDS will have gone the way of the dinosaurs"

 

(Note: some of these examples were taken from the Barron's Writing Workbook).

 

Try to incorporate these elements in your essay. Tweak your sentence beginnings and readers will reward you.

Avoid overusing big words because clearer language is better. Malapropisms (faulty use of sesquipedalians (big word)) will be counted against you if the reader spots too many.

[cd12321]

oh yeah and make sure your opinion is really obvious

use I a lot and try to make powerful points

readers do not like pussies

you should be very committed in your beliefs

but sometimes it is okay to qualify a statement ie

sometimes war is good but othertimes it is bad

[jennahu]

omg~

you are such a great helper

yeah my parents are making me study vocab already

even though i am just a sophomore

thank you

i will follow the way you told me when i write an SAT essay

thanks again;)

[cd12321]

I studied vocabulary also in tenth grade, that way I was not bogged down with learning any new vocabulary in eleventh.

Use

http://img.sparknotes.com/content/testprep/pdf/sat.vocab.pdf

as a reference or find the testtakers 700 most commonly asked words

 

Just make sure you look up all the words you do not know on any practice tests you might take. But you'll be fine.

[danny411]

Good writing but maybe stick to an easy topic.

 

your saying religion should be seperate from government intervention? or influence ?

 

It might be hard since government policies and laws are influenced so much. Then what types of govs are influenced ? Some are more than other? ....

 

That seems pretty difficult for such a short essay.

 

As can be seen with your excellent essay. You have lots of ideas flowing. Simplify to meet the reqs?

 

Liberty might be easier? I mean since the 911 and all the terrorist stuff there has been an increase in government intervention over citizens in democractic countries? Ie. airport screening, border, bars---everyone is searching you. So maybe you could argue that terrorist is responsible for limiting freedom in democratic countries? Then 3 examples random police searches, screening and more invasive searches of property...