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Thread: Can anyone please rate my TOEFL writing essay 2

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    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    Can anyone please rate my TOEFL writing essay 2

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    Hi, I am preparing for my TOEFL exam, particularly focusing on writing part 2 right now. I you can please give me feed back on my response, I will appreciate it a lot.

    Prompt: Television advertising directed towards young children (age two to five) should be allowed

    In todayís world where television industry has flourished by leaps and bound, television has become an important part of our lives, even children take keep interest in TV. This is the reason advertisement via television is essential in every marketing campaign. However when it comes to children of age two to five, if you ask people whether television advertising directed toward children of this age group should be allowed or not some might say there is no need for it or even that it is not in interest of children. My opinion is contrary to this, I think that TV commercials for children should be allowed as they can useful in several ways.

    First, TV commercials can be informative and children can learn a lot from them. Kids these days spend a lot of time on TV and are influenced by characters and shows telecasted on TV. An ethic TV commercial that emphasizes on good habits along with promoting their product in fun way, may be by singing a catchy jingle, can help kids to pick up that good habit in a fun way. For example, a simple TV commercial of Anti-bacterial soap puts a lot of stress on washing hands before every meal. I remember my niece was got into the habit of washing hands before every meal through one of such advertisement. So in this way TV Ads can be good for kids.

    Secondly, now more than ever we see a lot of TV channels popping up that are specific to for kids of certain age group. Kids learn a lot from the shows on these channels, for example, their communication skill can improve, and they can learn art and craft activities. In order for these channels to sustain, they need sponsors and most of the sponsorships come from brands who want to advertise their products. I think that to keep things interesting and in benefit of children these channels should only show commercials specific for targeted age group of children. For instance, imagine how odd it will be to show an ad of adult products on kidís channel, parents will probably unsubscribe that channel resulting in loss for channel. But if the kidís TV are paired with Ads for kids as well it will be in interest of both parties, Kids and Kid TV channels.

    Finally, some people might argue that certain TV commercials can have negative impact on kids, for example make them materialistic and pester their parents to buy new stuff all the time or pick a bad habit, therefore such commercials should be banned. However I think that banning or disallowing these Ads all together is not the solution because chances of kid getting wrong influence from some kidís show are equal as from kids TV commercial. All good TV channels have content control team that analyses the material to be on-aired they must also regulate the content of TV commercials shown for kids. This might seem like extra work, but in long run it will pay out, as more parents will opt for channels with kid friendly advertisement.

    In conclusion, I can safely say that after content control, TV advertisement that is directed towards young children should be allowed as they can be informative and fun and also in helpful in sustaining kidís TV channels.
    +1 Kudos

  2. #2
    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    Re: Can anyone please rate my TOEFL writing essay 2

    TOEFL iBT Raw Score: 5.0 (out of 5.0)
    IELTS Score: 7.5 bands (out of 9.0)

    This is a very good response.

    The essay effectively and adequately addresses the topic. It’s well organized and well developed using clear examples and details to support the ideas. The essay displays coherence and cohesion, with a good progression and connection of ideas.
    The essay displays a consistent facility in language use, employing a wide range of syntactic variety and good word choice, though it has minor occasional errors that does not interfere with the meaning.

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