Please review my TOEFL sample essay

[dbkamal]

I would be highly obliged if you could read my essay and provide some valuable review for TOEFL.

 

Qus: Some parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why?

 

My Answer:

 

Technology is always changing and has evolved from one form to another to make the human life much easier. When we talked about the Science and Technology, we sometimes criticized about its bad consequences in human lives too. Smartphone with the internet connection is one of the major advancement in recent technologies makes it the most discussing topic of this era. Some parents believe that it will create worse effects on young minds and should be unavailable to them until they are matured enough. Personally, I share the same space. The current trend in Smartphone industry is making the device with lure features that eventually attract the young minds. Definitely, students will less be concerned about their study, rather will focus more on video games, social networking, and others. As this is the most precious times for them to grow and learn, to stop them from wasting their valuable times, students should be barred from the Smartphone especially with the internet. Although, parents can still be connected with their child using the device without internet. When I was a child, there was lack of communication medium and had no or little internet connection, but still, parents were less worried as they could still be in touch with me via the telephone. So, parents can easily adopt with the pros and cons of the technology and should shape themselves for sake of their own child's. Moreover, recent studies have shown that the road accident is almost increased dramatically since after the mobile technology unveiled. Government is also trying to provoke the people not to use mobile while driving and traveling but still it doesn't make much of the awareness. As the young students are more reluctant on the side effects of mobile devices, it would become parents responsibility to make them understand the proper uses of mobile. I've seen many students nowadays using the cell phone with a headset on the road, and they are totally less concern about the surroundings traffic. Social networking is another important thing which makes a huge difference in the usages of the Smartphone. Rather than the physical connection, the student tends to believe or more comfortable on the virtual platform which eventually destroys their communication skill. For example, when students couldn't able to make process, they need to connect with their peers, friends, and professors to convey their problems. And, they are not feeling comfortable talking to them directly rather via the chat tool or could be some other virtual platform. Although, there are lot of tools or application readily available for parental control, however, still I could believe if you take the right decision about the Smartphone in early students age, then it will save them destroying the future careers.

[bestmytest]

Hello,

 

I am having one of our top TOEFL experts look at it and will provide feedback for you shortly.

[bestmytest]

Hello,

 

I know this is late, but maybe it will help others

 

Technology is always changing and has evolved from one form to another to make human life much easier.

[TABLE]

[TR]

[TD]You have provided a thesis statement for your introduction. A few grammatical errors.[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

 

Firstly, when we speak about science and technology, we sometimes criticize the negative attributes it brings upon human lives. Smartphones equipped with internet, is one of the major implementations created to mankind. Some parents believe that it will bring about destruction towards our younger generation, which can affect them socially, emotionally, and mentally. I personally believe that technology is not healthy, for our younger generation.

[TABLE]

[TR]

[TD]Try to use the word speak instead of the word ‘’told’’. You have provided valid points to justify your theory. Try to use transition words to begin your sentence. [/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

 

Secondly,the current trend in the smartphone industry is creating the device with exceptional features that eventually attracts the younger generation. Definitely, students will lose all interest academically, because all their interest is conveyed to an electrical device. Students should be barred from using their smartphones whilst learning is taking place.

[TABLE]

[TR]

[TD]Try to be concise when constructing your paragraph. Try to use punctuation where needed. For example a comma should be added before the word ‘’because’’ Try to use transition words.[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

 

When I was a child, there was lack of communication, we were not fortunate enough to have mobile devices, but still our parents were less worried as they could still be in touch with us via a telephone. So, parents can make a decision to remove any mobile devices for the sake of their child’s wellbeing. The government has implemented new rules related to the usage of mobile devices whilst driving. As the young students are more reluctant to the side effects of mobile devices, it would become the parent’s responsibility to be stricter on the usage of a mobile device. Social networking has destroyed many teenagers lives, teenagers have been living a virtual life, which has led to suicide.

[TABLE]

[TR]

[TD]You have provided substantial information to justify your theory. A few grammatical errors. I like the fact that you related this theory to your ow up bringing when you were a teenager.[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

 

In conclusion a mobile device can make one anti sociable, which can lead to depression. This is our future generation let’s make a change as parent’s, and implement rules related to the usage of mobile devices for our children.

[TABLE]

[TR]

[TD]You have provided a restatement of the thesis statement written in the introduction. Try to read your sentences before submission, this will allow you to notice your mistakes written.[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

 

Enjoy this free review. You can get more free review by taking a TOEFL practice test TOEFL Practice Test

[bestmytest]

Technology is always changing and has evolved from one form to another to make human life much easier.

[TABLE]

[TR]

[TD]You have provided a thesis statement for your introduction. A few grammatical errors.

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

 

Firstly, when we speak about science and technology, we sometimes criticize the negative attributes it brings upon human lives. Smartphones equipped with internet, is one of the major implementations created to mankind. Some parents believe that it will bring about destruction towards our younger generation, which can affect them socially, emotionally, and mentally. I personally believe that technology is not healthy, for our younger generation.

[TABLE]

[TR]

[TD]Try to use the word speak instead of the word ‘’told’’. You have provided valid points to justify your theory. Try to use transition words to begin your sentence.

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

 

Secondly,the current trend in the smartphone industry is creating the device with exceptional features that eventually attracts the younger generation. Definitely, students will lose all interest academically, because all their interest is conveyed to an electrical device. Students should be barred from using their smartphones whilst learning is taking place.

[TABLE]

[TR]

[TD]Try to be concise when constructing your paragraph. Try to use punctuation where needed. For example a comma should be added before the word ‘’because’’ Try to use transition words.

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

When I was a child, there was lack of communication, we were not fortunate enough to have mobile devices, but still our parents were less worried as they could still be in touch with us via a telephone. So, parents can make a decision to remove any mobile devices for the sake of their child’s wellbeing. The government has implemented new rules related to the usage of mobile devices whilst driving. As the young students are more reluctant to the side effects of mobile devices, it would become the parent’s responsibility to be stricter on the usage of a mobile device. Social networking has destroyed many teenagers lives, teenagers have been living a virtual life, which has led to suicide.

[TABLE]

[TR]

[TD]You have provided substantial information to justify your theory. A few grammatical errors. I like the fact that you related this theory to your ow up bringing when you were a teenager.

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

In conclusion a mobile device can make one anti sociable, which can lead to depression. This is our future generation let’s make a change as parent’s, and implement rules related to the usage of mobile devices for our children.

[TABLE]

[TR]

[TD]You have provided a restatement of the thesis statement written in the introduction. Try to read your sentences before submission, this will allow you to notice your mistakes written.

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]