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Thread: Hi , can any one plz evaluate my essay.

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    Hi , can any one plz evaluate my essay.

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    I had to write an essay on a valuble lesson learned in life. Any criticism would help. Thank you


    Lifeís Biggest Lesson

    Looking back on my life I see that I have made many mistakes. Most of them due to a lack of patience and never listening to what my parents told me. If I had only listened to their words of wisdom and took into consideration what I was told I would have saved myself a lot of trouble. However, I took my own path and did things me way, not following the guidance of my parents.
    The first valuable lesson I learned was when I was a senior in high school. I had moved in with my Grandmother at the beginning of the year so I Could continue to go to the same school I had attended the first three years of high school. My parents had decided to move to a house in the mountains and I did not want to have to change schools. Shortly after moving in with my Grandmother I started going out until all hours of the morning. I would hang out with my friends and we would go to the Beach club to meet army guys. When I would return home to my grandmothers she would be up waiting for me and I could tell that this was taking a toll on her. Rather than to stop going out at night and having her worry, I decided it was time to get my own apartment. I was now 18 and I had a job so that seemed like a great idea.
    Everybody in my family was against this. My mom kept telling me to just finish school. Graduation was only six months away and then I could get my own place. Needless to say I did

    not listen to anyone. I had it stuck in my head that this was what I wanted to do and I was going to do it. And so I did. That is where it all started to fall apart. I moved in to my own place and soon after that my best
    friend moved in with me. Nobody was there to make sure we went to school every day so we both just stopped going. I changed the phone number that the attendance line at my school would call for truancies to my own phone number. I would go to school to take tests and turn in projects, but that was about it. I was still able to manage a 3.7 GPA. The principal at my school began to catch on and she put me on probation. She told me that I must attend every class until graduation or I would be expelled for to many truancies. At this point skipping class was like an addiction and I could not stop. Maybe it was that I just did not want to stop. Two months before I was going to graduate high school I was kicked out.
    To this day I look back on that and I still kick myself in the butt. I should have just listened to my parents and waited until I graduated before moving out. I had a lot of good things going for me and I just seemed to throw them all away. My parents donít know everything, but they do know a lot. To tell you the truth though I still donít take all the advice that they have to offer and I always find myself coming back around and saying to myself I should have listened to my parents.

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    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    Quote Originally Posted by cckennis View Post
    I had to write an essay on a valuble lesson learned in life. Any criticism would help. Thank you


    Lifeís Biggest Lesson

    Looking back on my life I see that I have made many mistakes. Most of them due to a lack of patience and never listening to what my parents told me. If only I had listened to their words of wisdom and took into consideration what I was told I would have saved myself a lot of trouble. However, I took my own path and did things me way, not following the guidance of my parents.
    The first valuable lesson I learned was when I was a senior in high school. I had moved in with my Grandmother at the beginning of the year so I Could continue to go to the same school I had attended the first three years of high school. My parents had decided to move to a house in the mountains and I did not want to have to change schools. Shortly after moving in with my Grandmother I started going out until all hours of the morning. I would hang out with my friends and we would go to the Beach club to meet army guys. When I would return home to my grandmothers she would be up waiting for me and I could tell that this was taking a toll on her. Rather than to stop going out at night and having her worry, I decided it was time to get my own apartment. I was now 18 and I had a job so that seemed like a great idea.
    Everybody in my family was against this. My mom kept telling me to just finish school. Graduation was only six months away and then I could get my own place. Needless to say I did

    not listen to anyone. I had it stuck in my head that this was what I wanted to do and I was going to do it. And so I did. That is where it all started to fall apart. I moved in to my own place and soon after that my best
    friend moved in with me. Nobody was there to make sure we went to school every day so we both just stopped going. I changed the phone number that the attendance line at my school would call for truancies to my own phone number. I would go to school to take tests and turn in projects, but that was about it. I was still able to manage a 3.7 GPA. The principal at my school began to catch on and she put me on probation. She told me that I must attend every class until graduation or I would be expelled for to many truancies. At this point skipping class was like an addiction and I could not stop. Maybe it was that I just did not want to stop. Two months before I was going to graduate high school I was kicked out.
    To this day I look back on that and I still kick myself in the butt. I should have just listened to my parents and waited until I graduated before moving out. I had a lot of good things going for me and I just seemed to throw them all away. My parents donít know everything, but they do know a lot. To tell you the truth though I still donít take all the advice that they have to offer and I always find myself coming back around and saying to myself I should have listened to my parents.
    Comments:

    I. Transition words are missing.
    II. Lack of Organization
    III. Essay pattern
    2. Introduction should have topic statement.
    a. Made bad decision, Impatient and being stubborn.
    3. Subtopic a. bad decision.......for instance Moved in with grandma.........
    b. Impatient...........for example Moved into an apartment.......
    c. Being stubborn irresponsible.....for example Missing classes...
    4. Conclusion....Summary and recommendations

    Check tenses
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