It would help if you could give the question that you have replied for.
Nonetheless, I would say that in some places the grammar is not completely correct.
For example, in the sentence "Romeo and Juliet died because of Friar Lawrence is being scared and not thinking straight." "is being" is the wrong tense to use. You could instead use past tense- "was".
Also, Friar Lawrence's name is used extensively, which could maybe be replaced by a pronon like -"He".
Again can not really comment on the structure of your essay, as the question is not clear.