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Thread: Rate My Essay ( TOEFL, Independent Task)

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    Question Rate My Essay ( TOEFL, Independent Task)

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    Question : Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible.Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think better?

    Answer :
    Humans are social beings who cannot live alone and family members are the one who supports people no matter what happens with anyone’s life. Personally, I believe that living with families for a long time has unmatched advantages which can give a head start to achieve ultimate success in life. I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

    First of all, family members can give you emotional and mental support which you wouldn't find from anyone in your life. Human life is fraught with dangers and everyone has their ups and downs in life. My own experience is a compelling example of this. When i broke up with my girlfriend in my early twenties, I quickly fell into depression. I used to cry a lot, always thinking about suicide and gloomy thoughts. In sum, my emotional and mental state was self-destructing and detrimental for achieving any kinds of success in life. But nothing bad happened and I overcame fear and depression because my family was always there for me. They gave me emotional and mental support which I was in badly need of.

    Secondly, Living with family has a sweet perk of gaining financial support when needed. Specially, when people are in their young adults phase, taking big projects in hand or investing money in businesses is not uncommon. However, I business taking a loss for some time is not abnormal, in fact, it happens all the time. In this case, People who live with their family can borrow some money from the parents or other family members to keep their business going. For example, my big brother invested a fair sum of money in stock exchange in his twenties. Unfortunately, he had made some bad calls and lost a big chunk of that money. he immediately moved in to live with my parents to lessen some of his living costs and, also borrow some money from my dad to make up for the loss.

    In conclusion, I strongly believe that living with families for a longer time garner many unparalleled advantages compared to living alone. One reason for my argument is, It can decrease your living costs greatly and will grant you financial support. Another appealing reason is living with families actually prevent people to breakdown from emotional distress as there is always family members with them to support.

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    Re: Rate My Essay ( TOEFL, Independent Task)

    Hello,
    I've added some little corrections highlighted on red.

    Humans are social beings who cannot live alone and family members are the one who supports people no matter what happens with anyone’s life. Personally, I believe that living with families for a long time has unmatched advantages which can give a head start to achieve ultimate success in life. I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.First of all, family members can give you emotional and mental support which you wouldn't find from anyone in your life. Human life is fraught with dangers and everyone has their ups and downs in life. My own experience is a compelling example of this. WhenI broke up with my girlfriend in my early twenties, I quickly fell into depression. I used to cry a lot, always thinking about suicide and gloomy thoughts. In sum, my emotional and mental state was self-destructing and detrimental for achieving any kinds of success in life. But nothing bad happened and I overcame fear and depression because my family was always there for me. They gave me emotional and mental support which I was in badly need of.Secondly, Living with family has a sweet perk of gaining financial support when needed. Especially, when people are in their young adult's phase, taking big projects in hand or investing money in businesses is not uncommon. However, I business taking a loss for some time is not abnormal -> I can't understand what you're trying to say, in fact, it happens all the time. In this case, People who live with their family can borrow some money from parents or other family members to keep their business going. For example, my big brother invested a fair sum of money in stock exchange in his twenties. Unfortunately, he had made some bad calls and lost a big chunk of that money. he immediately moved in to live with my parents to lessen some of his living costs and, also borrow some money from my dad to make up for the loss.
    In conclusion, I strongly believe that living with families for a longer time garner many unparalleled advantages compared to living alone. One reason for my argument is, It can decrease your living costs greatly and will grant you financial support. Another appealing reason is living with families actually prevent people from a breakdown of emotional distress as there is always family members with them to support.

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