Feedback on Independent Essay

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Hi! Could someone please give me some feedback on my essay? It's Official Guide's First Practice.

 

Prompt:

 

Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

 

My response:

As our society develops, more and more young adults are seeking independence from their parents, believing that moving out is the only way to do this. However, I oppose this view and believe that this action actually does more harm than good.

 

To start with, many of these young adults are not prepared to live alone. They are not equipped with the skillset to do household chores, and when they live alone, doing them becomes a necessity. When they have to mop the floor or make their own meals without knowing how, they would usually utilize incorrect or less efficient methods, resulting in a longer time doing work around the house instead of studying. Hence, their grades may deteriorate significantly. Also, the young adults are often too immature to be put in charge of their own financial resources. They tend to spend their money too quickly without thinking twice. Moving out intensifies this situation as there will be no supervising parents or guardians. As a result, the young adults living alone are more prone to poor financial management.

 

Also, moving out worsens the relationship between the young adults and their family members, which can de devastating to both parties. Once, I had to move away from my family on an exchange program at another city. And my parents and I rarely communicated during that period. Soon, we discovered that we began to feel quite distant about each other, and our intimate relationship did not restore until a few months after the end of the program. I believe that the situation can be worse for those living alone for a longer period of time. Imagine an 18-year-old teenager who needs emotional stability the most: What will happen if he or she lives alone for 1 or several years? The result would be disastrous, and moving away is just irrational.

 

Another reason for not moving out is that contrary to popular belief, young adults can actually develop their independence when living with their parents. By making them do certain household chores like cleaning the tables and washing the dishes from time to time, they can learn to do these things without parental guidance; by ensuring a certain degree of financial freedom, the young adults can learn to manage their money without the risk of making poor financial decisions. It is apparently a better way to foster their independence than throwing teenagers into the cruel world without any guidance.

 

It is due to these three reasons listed above that I argue that young adults should postpone their agendas of moving out to a later date at which they can manage themselves. Doing so briskly will only cause unnecessary hassles for both the young adults and their family members. Therefore, I believe that it is more reasonable for them to stay longer with their families - their safe harbors.

 

 

Thank you very much!!!

[fujiwara]

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