TOEFL essay help thread

[ish]

Kabir and I are what you might call "old timers" at TM :) and we thought it's time to start a TOEFL essay help thread. Anyone who is interested, please do post your essays here, and we'll review it for you!

[Andac]

Subject: Many students have to live with roommates while going to school or university. What are some of the important qualities of a good roommate? Use specific reasons and examples to explain why these qualties are important.

I have never lived with a roommate in my life. However, a good roommate must be respectful, trustful and fun.

School days are really important for me, especially if you are a student who would like to have high grades like me. If I had a roommate, my roommate should show me some respect. For example, when I try to study my lessons I can only concentrate in a quiet place. Therefore, my roommate should not come to our house and open stereo play with loud music when i try to concentrate my lessons. On the other hand, I should not do anything which my roommate doesn’t want from me as well.

You live with your roommate all year long and you share a house with him or her. Therefore, a good roommate must be trustful. For instance, you can have something expensive, a watch or a jewellery, and when you go out you must trust your roommate and live it alone with him or her.

Finally, you would not like to live with someone who is always serious. My roommate must be funny. For example, I can go to a cinema, a bar or a beach with him or her. In addition, my roommate must be someone who I can share jokes, I can laugh with.

In conclusion, choosing a roommate is really important. In my opinion, when you choose a roommate try to choose someone who has a similiar mood like yours.

 

Subject: Should governments spend more money on improving roads and highways, or should governments spend more money on improving public transportation (buses, trains, subways)? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

Travelling from somewhere to somewhere is really important in big cities. In my opinion, governments should spend more money on improving public transportation, because public transportation is cheap, it can solve traffic problem and it is comfortable.

In my community traffic is a big problem. In the mornings, I use my car to go to work and it takes almost one hour to go to my work. Because of traffic I have to get up early to be on time for my work. If governments spend more money improving public transportation I am sure that this will solve the traffic problem. Because public transportation can carry more people at a one time than just one car. In addition, if this problem is solved by spending more money on public transportation I won’t have to get up early in the mornings.

Another reason why governments should spend more money on public transportation is that public transportation is cheap. If you have your own car you have to pay for taxes and you have to pay for gas. However, if you use public transportation you don’t have to pay these and if you are a student you can travel cheaper.

Finally, if you are a student and you use public transportation for going to school, for example by bus, while you are going you can read your newspaper, review your notes or even have your coffee as well. However, if you drive your own car you can not do these kinds of things.

In conclusion, in big cities traffic problem can only be solved by public transportation. In addition, governments should encourage citizens to use public transportation.

 

lol :) you have already 2 essays :)

[awhig]

Kabir and I are what you might call "old timers" at TM :) and we thought it's time to start a TOEFL essay help thread. Anyone who is interested, please do post your essays here, and we'll review it for you!

 

Welcome back ish.So long to see you again active.Carry on the good work.

[arjensteve]

its great reviewing the essays again :) . Andac Im gonna help you with your first essay.

 

Subject: Many students have to live with roommates while going to school or university. What are some of the important qualities of a good roommate? Use specific reasons and examples to explain why these qualties are important.

 

 

 

[Although] I have never lived with a roommate in my life. [i believe that]However, a good roommate must be respectful, trustful and fun. [ you are expected to offer a little more in the intro, so try touching on the points that will follow this para]

 

School [and uni] days are really important for me[ for all of us], especially if you are a student who would like to have high grades like me[omit].[ theres ofcourse more to education than mere grades, you could add too, wrt to what you expect of a roommate :)] . If I had a roommate, my roommate should show me some respect. For example, when I try to study my lessons I can only concentrate in a quiet place. Therefore, my roommate should not come to our house and open stereo play with loud music [play the stereo or play loud music] when i try to concentrate my lessons. On the other hand, I should not do anything which my roommate doesn’t want from me as well. [ i think you can omit this line here and add it at the end, saying that you cannot expect to have a good room mate , if you are not a good one urself :) ]

 

 

You live with your roommate all year long and you share a house with him or her. Therefore, a good roommate must be trustful[trustworthy]. For instance, you can have something expensive, a watch or a jewellery, and when you go out you must trust [should have sufficient faith in] your roommate [so that you could be able to] live [leave] it alone with him or her.

 

Finally, you would not like to live with someone who is always serious. My roommate must be funny [have a sense of humor]. For example, I can go to a cinema, a bar or a beach with him or her. In addition, my roommate must be someone who I can share jokes with, I can laugh with.

 

In conclusion, choosing a roommate is really important. In my opinion, when you choose a roommate try to choose someone who has a similiar mood [tastes as] like yours. [ like the intro, you could have added something more like " a good roomate can make all the difference between an exciting and enjoyable college life and a dull one ]

:)

--> vary the vocabulary , try avoiding redundancy ( i can see lots of "someone"s and "his or hers")

 

--> Im sure you can find one more characteristic of a roommate besides being "trustworthy" and "funny". (helpful, kind, good habits..)

 

--> make your intro and conclusion more catchy.

 

Good luck :)

[Andac]

thank you very much..

[ish]

Suggestions:

 

(1) Work on some places where your usage seems too informal. When you read it again, if your work seems like a conversation more than the written word, stop, and modify.

(2)Make your intro and conclusion as strong as possible.

(3)Puncuate! Use commas.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Subject: Should governments spend more money on improving roads and highways, or should governments spend more money on improving public transportation (buses, trains, subways)? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

 

 

 

Travelling from somewhere to somewhere[Try editing this and making it sound more polished, especially the "somewhoere to somewhere" part. You need to start with a bang, as it were :)] is really important in big cities. In my opinion, governments should spend more money on improving public transportation, because public transportation is cheap, it can solve traffic problem and it is comfortable.

Work on the starting line. You need to make sure your first paragraph is really really impressive!

 

In my community[punctuate] traffic is a big problem. In the mornings, I use my car to go to work and it takes almost one hour to go to my work[redundant]. Because of traffic I have to get up early to be on time for my work[Third time in as many lines. Try using different words. Dont get repetitive]. If governments spend more money improving public transportation I am sure that this will solve the traffic problem. Because public transportation can carry more people at a one time than just one car[Avoid starting sentences with a Because. ]. In addition, if this problem is solved by spending more money on public transportation I won’t have to get up early in the mornings.{I would really reconsider the last line. Either remove it, or think of a really good reason why...I mean, getting up early in the mornings? Unless you have a really good reason, like it's an unearthly early hour or something like that, this line must be changed..]

 

Another reason why governments should spend more money on public transportation is that public transportation is cheap.[cheap for..."..". Complete the idea. It's not cheap for the government, because you have just suggested that they spend money on it.] If you have your own car you have to pay for taxes and you have to pay for gas. However, if you use public transportation you don’t have to pay these and if you are a student you can travel cheaper. [make this a separate line. The ideas do not flow, the one about gas and tax and then student..]

 

Finally, if you are a student and you use public transportation for going to school, for example by bus[not needed], while you are going you[modify. Does "During travel" sound better?]can read your newspaper, review your notes or even have your coffee as well. However, if you drive your own car you can not do these kinds of things.

 

In conclusion, in big cities traffic problem can only be solved by public transportation. In addition, governments should encourage citizens to use public transportation.

work on your conclusion. It again needs to be powerful.

[sam_027]

Shorten the number of lines by avoiding redundancy.

Try to put in some more new ideas.

[karin]

If a high school is about to built in my neighborhood, I strongly support the notion. Although it’ll attract other students from other communities and therefore probably bring more traffic and noise, however, the advantages of having a high school in our community weigh out the disadvantages.

First, my neighborhood has a large teen community which most of its teens are attending to another high school that is far from our community. Our children have to take a bus or ask their parents to give them a ride to go to school. By having a high school our children can walk to school and come back home by themselves. Subsequently, when they walk they will save some time and also benefit of the walking as a regular daily work out. It’ll help them to start their day freshly and can focus on their studies more. On the other hand, parents are not more worry about being late to pick their children up from school.

Moreover, a high school will bring lots of after school activities that both parent and children can participate in them. Activities like different exercise classes such as yoga or soccer and volleyball which most of student love to participate. So instead of wasting time by going to the clubs and interacting with strange people they enjoy spending time in their school during the early nights.

I strongly support the idea of having a high school in our neighborhood .A high school will definitely bring benefits for our community.

[amiomanush]

It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

If a new shopping center is built in my area, it will definitely have some impacts on my area Brickfields. But I, as a dweller of my area, would be really happy for some valid reasons. So I strongly support the decision that a new shopping center is going to be built in my area.

I have several reasons for supporting this decision. First, the prospective shopping center will create new job facilities in my area. My area is a remote place from the downtown. Besides that here we do not have enough production plants or business centers. So many people here are still searching for jobs. So it will be very convenient for them to find a job in that huge shopping center.

Secondly, as my area is situated in a remote location, the value of property is not as worthy as it should be. The new shopping center will obviously impose some value on the price of the properties here. So the people who are seeking good buyers will get it easily as many buyers will be keen to buy these properties.

In addition to this, the new shopping center will be providing good access of products and services to the dwellers here. So we would not need to go to the present next shopping center which is 5 KM far from our home. It will definitely cut the fuel costs of us and our neighbors.

Another important thing is the security of this place. Right now not many people are living here as this is a remote place from the central town. But when the new shopping center will be built, this place will not be so empty. The number of security guards and security posts will be increased. So this will cause the reduction of the number of robberies here.

Besides this, those owners who are not getting tenants here for their empty apartments will be able to get some extra money from their apartments. The demand curve for apartments is going to increase that is for sure.

Last but not least, the beauty of the overall landscape of my area will certainly develop if the new architecture is built in my area. Its true that this shopping center will bring some noises and traffic jam in my area but if we compare these botheration with the forthcoming possibilities, the people will not count the tiny botheration they are likely to be faced. That the shopping center will bring an overall charm to my place is true. So as a habitant of a long tenure here I very much appreciate the decision that a new large shopping center is to be built in my area. I really thank those guys who are the initiator of that project.

[arjensteve]

please mention the topic next time.

 

 

If a high school is about to built in my neighborhood, I strongly support the notion. Although it’ll attract other[omit] students from other communities and therefore probably[omit] bring in more traffic and noise,however[omit], the advantages of having a high school in our community weigh out the disadvantages.[decent start]

 

Firstly, my neighborhood has a large teen community which[and] most of its [the] teens are attending to another[a] high school that is far away from our community. Our children have to take a bus or ask their parents to give them a ride to go[omit] to school. By having a high school[if the school is in our locality], our children can walk to and fro school and come back home by themselves[redundancy omit this]. Subsequently, when they walk they will save some time[which will help them do...mention] and [break up the sentence, you are talking about two different topics] Walking also has the benefit of the walking [of serving] as a regular daily work out. It’ll help them to start their day freshly and can focus on their studies more. On the other hand[ Further or Also..you aren't contradicting t he previous sentence], parents are not more worry[ied] about being late [to work by ] picking up their children from school.

 

Moreover, a high school will bring lots of after[-]school activities that both parent and children can participate in them[omit]. Activities like different exercise classes such as [ redundancy.Either say activities such as.. or exercise classes like] yoga or soccer and volleyball which most of students love to participate. So instead of wasting time by going to the clubs and interacting with strange people they enjoy spending time in their school during the early nights[this is very vague, I guess u meant students will stop going to other places and spend more time with their friends in a better environment. Try reframing this sentence] .

 

I strongly support the idea of having a high school in our neighborhood .A high school will definitely bring benefits for our community.[ An abrupt conclusion. It should have a better impact. Touch on the points you have mentioned in the previous paras. This comes with practice, so keep writing :)]

-> work on your sentence construction and grammar.

-> Vary your vocabulary.

-> Add atleast one more benefit in a third para.

 

Good luck!

[ish]

Suggestions:

(1) your sentences are too long sometimes. you should write shorter, crisper sentences that are easier to understand.

(2)Informal language. This could turn out to be a problem if you do not stop it. Read your work again and if it seems like those sentences are ore likely to be spoken than written, erase them and rephrase.

(3)you have a great ramge of points to write about. Thats very good. The essay length is to your advantage as well :) keep writing

 

 

 

It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

 

If a new shopping center is built in my area, it will definitely have some impact[edit it to "an impact".] on my area Brickfields. But[really no reason for a but here..] I, as a dweller of my area[cut. not needed. it's understood], would be really happy for some valid reasons. So I strongly support the decision that a new shopping center is going to be built in my area.

you are kind of being repetitive here. I understand that sometimes an introduction may be difficult, as in, you dont want to rush in with too many of your ideas too soon. But still, try improving the intro lines. make it stand out.

I have several reasons for supporting this decision. First, the prospective shopping center will create new job facilities in my area. My area is a remote place from the downtown[either remove this, or say "far away from downtown"]. Besides that here we do not have enough production plants or business centers. So many people here are still searching for jobs. So it will be very convenient for them to find a job in that huge shopping center.

good. Employment should be your first priority. Try changing that last line though, read it again and see if you can make it more polished.

Secondly, as my area is situated in a remote location, the value of property is not as worthy as it should be[ "the property does not have as much value as it should" does that sound better?]. The new shopping center will obviously impose some value on the price of the properties here[try editing that to "increase the value of the property"]. So the people who are seeking good buyers will get it easily as many buyers will be keen to buy these properties.[again, good point. but read it again and see if you can modify this sentence to something easier to read..]

 

In addition to this, the new shopping center will be providing[provide] good access of products and services to the dwellers here. So we would not need to go to the present next shopping center which is 5 KM far from our home[to the shopping centre we go to at the present, five km away]. It will definitely cut the fuel costs of us and our neighbors.

okay.

Another important thing[reason, factor, something like that, dont use "thing"] is the security of this place. Right now not many people are living here as this is a remote place from the central town[its understood. cut this]. But when the new shopping center will be built, this place will not be so empty. The number of security guards and security posts will be increased. So this will cause the reduction of the number of robberies here.

very good point.

Besides this, those owners who are not getting tenants here for their empty apartments will be able to get some extra money from their apartments. The demand curve for apartments is going to increase that is for sure.[please avoid such usage. the essay should sound formal. "that s for sure" is too colloquial for a toefl essay]

 

Last but not least, the beauty of the overall landscape of my area will certainly develop if the new architecture is built in my area. Its true that this shopping center will bring some noises and traffic jam in my area but if we compare these botheration with the forthcoming possibilities, the people will not count the tiny botheration they are likely to be faced. That the shopping center will bring an overall charm to my place is true. So as a habitant[resident] of a long tenure here I very much appreciate the decision that a new large shopping center is to be built in my area. I really thank those guys who are the initiator of that project[cut this. much too informal and unnecessary. and never use "guys"].

[karin]

please mention the topic next time.

 

 

-> work on your sentence construction and grammar.

-> Vary your vocabulary.

-> Add atleast one more benefit in a third para.

 

Good luck!

Thank you : )

[Andac]

Subject: Many parts of the world are losing important natural resources, such as forests, animals, or clean water.Choose one resource that is disappearing and explain why it needs to be saved. Use specific reaons and examples to support your opinion.

Today our most important problem about natural resources is forests. Forests provide lots of benefits to the earth. However, we haven’t realized the importance of forests yet. Forests are important because they clean the air, they protect erosion and they provide shelter for the animals.

One of the most important reasons why we have to protect forests is that they help the air to clean itself. As we have learned in high school, green plants do photosynthesis during the day. In this period, they take carbonmonoxide and give oxygen to the air. In addition, because we, people need oxygen to breath forests are necessary for us.

Another reason why forests are important is that forests protect soil to disappear from earth. Soil is necessary for agriculture. We supply food from the soil. If we lose soil we will be unable to obtain food. Furthermore starvation is going to start. Therefore, to avoid starvation we have to protect forests.

Finally, forests are home of animals. For example, a tree can be a shelter for a small bird in a cold winter day. This small bird can hide in that tree to protect itself from the prediators or it can obtain food from that tree. In addition, trees can not only provide cool, fresh air but also provide shade in summer time for the animals.

In conclusion, as I have mentioned above forests are necessary for our planet. If we want to give livable environment to the next generation we have to protect forests.

[Andac]

still waiting for comments :)

[ish]

suggestions:

(1) Do not deviate from the topic

(2) Avoid Typos

(3) Some of your sentences (I've marked them in bold) are not understandable, and I would like you to read them again and see what you have missed.

(4) Please give yourself enough time to read your own essay and spot mistakes like this and see if you can make it easier to understand

good luck!

 

Subject: Many parts of the world are losing important natural resources, such as forests, animals, or clean water.Choose one resource that is disappearing and explain why it needs to be saved. Use specific reaons and examples to support your opinion.

 

 

Today our most important problem about natural resources is forests. [better to start positively, try something like "The resource, in my opinion, that requires urgent attention from man would be forests." or some thing like that]Forests provide lots of benefits to the earth. However, we haven’t realized the importance of forests yet Forests are important because they clean the air, they protect erosion and they provide shelter for the animals.

okay. pretty decent start.

 

One of the most important reasons why we have to protect forests is that they help the air to clean itself[can you think of an alternate phrase?]. As we have learned in high school[modify this to "as most of us know,"], green plants do[perform] photosynthesis during the day. In this period, they take carbonmonoxide[Carbon DI oxide. I am assuming this was a typo. Do not post specific details about processes and things like that unless you are very sure] and give oxygen to the air. In addition, because we, people need oxygen to breath forests are necessary for us. [This really need not be mentioned...]

okay.

 

Another reason why forests are important is that forests protect soil to disappear from earth[???]. Soil is necessary for agriculture. We supply food from the soil[i do not understand]. If we lose soil we will be unable to obtain food [modify this to "unable to cultivate fertile land and agriculture would suffer greatly]. Furthermore starvation is going to start. Therefore, to avoid starvation we have to protect forests.[Please do not make such dramatic statements in a TOEFL essay. Avoid them. Try saying that a lot of hunger in the world can be prevented of the soil resources can be used properly]

 

This needs work. Firstly, talk a bit more about how FORESTS conserve top soil. This paragraph deviates from forests and moves on to soil, and that is not the resource you have chosen. Try not to lose focus.

 

Finally, forests are home of animals. For example, a tree can be a shelter for a small bird in a cold winter day. This small bird can hide in that tree to protect itself from the prediators[predators] or it can obtain food from that tree. In addition, trees can not only provide cool, fresh air but also provide shade in summer time for the animals.

 

 

In conclusion, as I have mentioned above forests are necessary for our planet. If we want to give livable environment to the next generation we have to protect forests.

[nothing wrong per se with this, except possibly, the word livable can be edited. But look for a stronger ending

[Venkateswara Rao manepall]

Subject: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made the world a better place to live. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

 

*********************************************************************

 

Response:

 

I strongly agree that technology has made the world a better place to live, because it provided us a lot of flexibility in our way of living, showed us a lot of adventures, provided a lot of advancements in our commodities, and many more.

 

It is because of this technology that we are now able to communicate this effectively in the present world. If we imagine of the communication in the ancient days we are very advanced. We are able to get the news about our co-living communities around the world in a short span of time with the help of technology gifts like Television, Radio. We are able to talk to any one on the globe with the help of Telecommunications. We are able to share the knowledge through the Internet. This is truly a technology gift at this point in world we cannot imagine a time with the communication systems in halt.

 

If we consider the transportation system in the past, it was never thought that hundreds of tons of steel will sail in the air, but this came to existence with the technology advancements like Airplane. Now we are able to interconnect any parts on the globe with the present transportation system. We are able to exchange goods between territories.

 

In the case of medicine technology has gifted us with a variety of diagnostic tools that helps us in finding and recovering from the disease.

 

The greatest gift of technology in 20th century has provided us computer. This helped a lot in the further development of technology. Computer has provided us facilities like E-mail, on line chatting, Internet, etc.

 

From the time we wake up early in the morning we use lot many gifts of technology in our daily activities until we end the day with sleep. Technology has gifted us with this discoveries and made our life very relaxed and beautiful and the world a better place to live.

 

 

*********************************

 

Please review,

 

Regards,

Venkat

 

Subject: Holidays honor people or events. If you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor and how would you want people to celebrate it? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

 

******************************************************************

Response:

 

In a country like India, which has a large number of customs and religions holidays have become a part of the community’s religious life. If I could create a holiday I would honor it to for the activity of improving our neighborhood like cleaning roads, improving sanitation, educating the people in villages and enlightening them about some diseases, etc.

 

This is important because in our busy life we are facing many minor problems, which can be forgotten momentarily but has a long-standing effect on our health. Some of this includes the cleanliness of the roads, sanitation around our houses.

 

Everyday we feel that the roads are not good while we are moving to the office and forget it when we are off from it, and this is what every one will feel but no one cares of this.

I feel that we take an action on the provided holiday to clean our neighborhood, instead of cribbing the local municipality for not doing the same. If every one of us does this effectively and whole-heartedly we can solve the problem ourselves, so that everyone is happy.

 

This is of the same case with sanitation. We will daily feel the problem of it being not proper, but ignore it and gets our self troubled with the diseases. If we take the necessary action on this day we can avoid the problem for some time.

 

As we are well educated and happy with our jobs we are ignorant of the problems in villages due to their lack of education. If we get a day holiday it will be a grate opportunity for us to spend time with those people and educate them regarding some of the diseases and necessary precautions they should take.

 

I think I we do the above activities on the holiday, it will be a grate day since we have helped our selves and others and we would have served the purpose of it.

 

****************************************************

 

please review my essay,

 

regards,

venkat

[firasf]

704 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Always telling the truth is the most important considertion in any relationship between people.

 

 

A good relationship between twe people is formed of many features. Some people guess that always telling the truth isn't necessary to make a well relationship. In my opinion, it's essential to rely in either a friend or a wife. Therefore, never lie is the most important consideration in any relationship.

 

First of all, if you don't trust in a person, you never can be his or her friend. Consequently, any kind of relationship may be formed with him or her. The first characterist which I hail in someone is whether this one always tells me the truth, because without reliable is impossible to be fair with a person. For example, I am best friend of my neighbor because I never lay to him.

 

On the other hand, sometimes you can guess that no telling the truth you may save a relationship. For instance, a husband who has sexual relation with other women and don't tells this to his wife thinks that is saving his marrieage, but he is doing the opposite. Every lie is discovered either early or later and when it occurs the relationship with the person whom you lay will finish.

 

In summary, although some people think that they can have a relationship with a person and be false with him or her sometimes, I believe that we only can have a consistent relationship if we rely in our relationmate.

 

Please, give me a rate to this essay!

Thanks

[ish]

(1) Sometimes your language seems stilted because it seems to me you try using too many words in one sentence. please avoid that.

(2) Though you are supporting the issue at hand, if you use too many fawning words like "gift", it loses the objectivity that such an essay is expected to have.

(3)Read your work and see if you can agree with the changes.

Good luck!

 

Subject: Do you agree or disagree with the follo

wing statement?

Technology has made the world a better place to live. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

 

*********************************************************************

 

Response:

 

I strongly agree that technology has made the world a better place to live, because it [has] provided us a lot of flexibility in our way of living, showed us a lot of adventures, provided a lot of advancements in our commodities[this doesnt sound too right. could you modify it a bit, especially "comodities"?], and many[much] more.

 

Not bad. Read through it yourself and I am sure you will spot the same changes that I feel should be made. You seem strong in the language. Maybe you were in a hurry?

 

It is because of this technology that we are now able to communicate this effectively in the present world[its understood. omit this]. If we imagine of the communication in the ancient days we are very advanced[our communication is very advanced when compared to that in the olden days]. We are able to get the news about our co-living[omit] communities around the world in a short span of time with the help of technology gifts[technological advancements] like Television, Radio. We are able to talk to any one on the globe with the help of Telecommunications. We are able to share the knowledge through the Internet. This is truly a technology gift at this point in world we cannot imagine a time with the communication systems in halt.[Technology in communication is so omnipresent now, that a world without it, would seem unimaginable]

 

Though i understand your point, try avoiding usage of words like "gift" to descrive technology. It somehow doesnt fit with the overall expected tone of a toefl essay..

If we consider the transportation system in the past, it was never thought that hundreds of tons of steel will sail in the air, but this came to existence with the technology advancements like Airplane. Now we are able to interconnect any parts on the globe with the present transportation system. We are able to exchange goods between territories.

 

Dont construct such complex sentences! I am sure you can split these ideas into crisper sentences which will be much more effective. Try.

 

In the case of medicine technology has gifted[provided] us with a variety of diagnostic tools that helps us in finding and recovering from the disease[cut the "the"].

 

The greatest gift of technology in 20th century has provided us computer. This helped a lot in the further development of technology. Computer has provided us facilities like E-mail, on line chatting, Internet, etc.

Same as the paragraph. Delete that "gift".

 

From the time we wake up early in the morning we use lot many gifts of technology in our daily activities until we end the day with sleep. Technology has gifted us with this discoveries and made our life very relaxed and beautiful and the world a better place to live.

Modify this. Maybe one word can be "gift". Dont repeat it more than once.

 

 

*

 

regards,

venkat

[Venkateswara Rao manepall]

Ish, thanks a lot for ur review, I will try to follow what u have said.

 

Can u review my second essay also.

 

Regards,

Venkat.

[ish]

Subject: Holidays honor people or events. If you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor and how would you want people to celebrate it? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

 

******************************************************************

Response:

 

In a country like India, which has a large number of customs and religions holidays have become a part of the community’s religious life. If I could create a holiday I would honor it to for the activity of[i would do so in order to improve...] improving our neighborhood like cleaning roads, improving sanitation, educating the people in villages and enlightening them about some diseases, etc.[avoid this. Use "and so on" or just leave it as that.]

decent start

 

This[Never start a sentence with "this" when you have not previously specified what it is that you are talking about.] is important because in our busy life we are facing many minor problems, which can be forgotten momentarily[cut] but has a long-standing[lasting] effect on our health. Some of this includes the cleanliness of the roads, sanitation around our houses.

this seems to be cut off from the essay. i do not see any flow here. try adding it to your first paragraph.

 

Everyday we feel that the roads are not good while we are moving to the office and forget it when we are off from it, and this is what every one will feel but no one cares of this.[good sentiment. but try to write formally]

I feel that we should take an[cut] action on the provided holiday to clean our neighborhood, instead of cribbing the local municipality for not doing the same. If every one of us does this effectively and whole-heartedly we can solve the problem ourselves, so that everyone is happy.[avoid such usage]

not bad. but modify the first few sentences to being more short, business like and crisp.

 

This is of the same case with sanitation[Again, what is this "this"?]. We will daily feel the problem of it being not proper, but ignore it and gets our self troubled with the diseases.[Change the entire sentence! "We realise that sanitation is an area that needs a lot of work, yet we ignore it and are afflicted with disease] If we take the necessary action on this day we can avoid the problem for some time.

 

As[Though] we are well educated and happy with our jobs[remove this. It is best to not make such generalisations] we are ignorant of the problems in villages due to their lack of education. If we get a day holiday[cut] it will be a grate[great] opportunity for us to spend time with those people[this sounds bad. "Those people" avoid it. Say "villagers" or something like that] and educate them regarding some of the diseases and necessary precautions they should take.

 

I think I we do the above activities on the holiday, it will be a grate day since we have helped our selves and others and we would have served the purpose of it.

good ending

 

****************************************************

 

please review my essay,

 

regards,

venkat

 

This needs work Venkat.

(1) Sentences too long. The meaning gets confusing towards the end. There is NOTHING WRONG with small sentences. Try the next essays with that style.

(2) Spelling mistakes.

(3) OVerall, the quality of your language needs to improve and sound formal enough. THis will come only with more and more practise. My suggestion: REad the essays posted here and write more!

Good luck!

[arjensteve]

704Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Always telling the truth is the most important considertion in any relationship between people.

 

 

A good relationship between twe[two] people is formed of many feature.Some people guess[feel] that always telling the truth isn't necessary to make a well[have a good] relationship. In my opinion, it's essential to rely in[on] either a friend or a wife. Therefore, never lie[truthfulness or honesty] is the most important consideration in any relationship.

 

First of all, if you don't trust in[omit] a person, you never can be his or her friend. Consequently, any kind of relationship may be formed with him or her. The first characterist which I hail in someone is whether this one always tells me the truth, because without reliable is impossible to be fair with a person.[Change the sentence to something like- the quality which i admire the most is honesty For example, I am best friend of my neighbor because I never lay[lie] to him.

 

On the other hand, sometimes you can guess that[you may feel that] not telling the truth you may save a relationship. For instance, a husband who has sexual relation with otther women and don't tells [does not tell] this to his wife thinks that is saving his marrieage, but he is doing the opposite. Every lie is discovered either early[soon] or later and when it occurs the relationship with the person whom you lay[omit] will finish.

 

In summary, although some people think that they can have a relationship with a person and be false with him or her sometimes, I believe that we only can have a consistent relationship if we rely in[on] our relationmate[friends].[make the conclusion a lot stronger]

 

 

->I feel you need to work a lot on your grammar and sentence formations.

->Improve your vocabulary and make it more formal.

->Read other essays to get a feel of how essays are written and most importantly- practice, practice and practice

 

Good Luck.

[firasf]

Arjensteve, thank you. I will practice.

[firasf]

13 Topic: Some people prefer to eat at food stands or restaurants. Other people prefer to prepare and eat food at home. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Nowadays, we have the option between eat at home or outdoors. Besides, some people would rather prepare and eat food made for themselves at their homes than those made at food stands and restaurants. In my opinion, eating at a restaurant is not only more comfortable but also practical.

First of all, in a restaurant, you don't need to waste time buying the ingredients and preparing your food, you just order what you want and wait a few minutes. During this period, you could watch TV, talk with your friend and so on. It’s much more comfortable than when you have to prepare your own food. In addition, practicality is another advantage of eating outdoor, because some businessmen don't have time to come back to their home in certain days and then they must eat at restaurants or food stands. For example, on every Monday, my father has a lot of labor at his office; consequently, he must go to a restaurant to eat.

On the other hand, if someone goes to a restaurant every day, he will spend a lot of money per moth, because the restaurants should profit when they sold food. Besides, there are people who only eat some kinds of food and sometimes it's hard to these people to find a restaurant which sells what they like to eat. For instance, my brother is vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat; therefore, he rarely eats outdoor.

In summary, I believe that although some people have reason to prefer to prepare and eat food at home, I particularly would rather eat at a either food stand or restaurant because both are more comfortable and practical.

[ish]

A much better effort!! :) Keep writing

13Topic: Some people prefer to eat at food stands or restaurants. Other people prefer to prepare and eat food at home. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

 

Nowadays, we have the option between eat at home or outdoors[of eating at home or outdoors]. Besides,[no need for this word here. cut] some people would rather prepare and eat food made for themselves at their homes than those made at food stands and restaurants. In my opinion, eating at a restaurant is not only more comfortable but also practical.

decent start.

First of all, in a restaurant, you don't need to waste time buying the ingredients and preparing your food, you just order what you want and wait a few minutes. During this period, you could watch TV, talk with your friend and so on[avoid this]. It’s much more comfortable than when you have to prepare your own food. [introduce this as a new paragraph. no flow between the first few lines and these lines about practicality]In addition, practicality is another advantage of eating outdoor[outdoors], because some businessmen[say it generally, as some "people"] don't have time to come back to their home in certain days and then they must eat at restaurants or food stands. For example, on every Monday["on mondays" sounds better, dont you think?], my father has a lot of labor[work] at his office; consequently, he must go to a restaurant to eat.

 

On the other hand, if someone goes to a restaurant every day, he will spend a lot of money per moth, because the restaurants should profit when they sold food.[always sell food with the idea of profit in mind] Besides, there are people who only eat some kinds of food and sometimes it's hard to these people to find a restaurant which sells what they like to eat. For instance, my brother is vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat; therefore, he rarely eats outdoor.

good points! Again, separate them according to topic. You dont want to include too many points in one paragraph that are not connected with each other.

 

 

In summary, I believe that although some people have reason to prefer to prepare and eat food at home, I particularly[personally] would rather eat at a either[either a] food stand or restaurant because both are[they are] more comfortable and practical.

good ending!

[firasf]

Ish, thanks for the help. You are aiding a lot.