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Thread: TOEFL essay help thread

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    An Urch Guru Pundit Swami Sage ish's Avatar
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    TOEFL essay help thread

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    Kabir and I are what you might call "old timers" at TM and we thought it's time to start a TOEFL essay help thread. Anyone who is interested, please do post your essays here, and we'll review it for you!

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    Subject: Many students have to live with roommates while going to school or university. What are some of the important qualities of a good roommate? Use specific reasons and examples to explain why these qualties are important.



    I have never lived with a roommate in my life. However, a good roommate must be respectful, trustful and fun.

    School days are really important for me, especially if you are a student who would like to have high grades like me. If I had a roommate, my roommate should show me some respect. For example, when I try to study my lessons I can only concentrate in a quiet place. Therefore, my roommate should not come to our house and open stereo play with loud music when i try to concentrate my lessons. On the other hand, I should not do anything which my roommate doesn’t want from me as well.

    You live with your roommate all year long and you share a house with him or her. Therefore, a good roommate must be trustful. For instance, you can have something expensive, a watch or a jewellery, and when you go out you must trust your roommate and live it alone with him or her.

    Finally, you would not like to live with someone who is always serious. My roommate must be funny. For example, I can go to a cinema, a bar or a beach with him or her. In addition, my roommate must be someone who I can share jokes, I can laugh with.

    In conclusion, choosing a roommate is really important. In my opinion, when you choose a roommate try to choose someone who has a similiar mood like yours.

    Subject: Should governments spend more money on improving roads and highways, or should governments spend more money on improving public transportation (buses, trains, subways)? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.



    Travelling from somewhere to somewhere is really important in big cities. In my opinion, governments should spend more money on improving public transportation, because public transportation is cheap, it can solve traffic problem and it is comfortable.


    In my community traffic is a big problem. In the mornings, I use my car to go to work and it takes almost one hour to go to my work. Because of traffic I have to get up early to be on time for my work. If governments spend more money improving public transportation I am sure that this will solve the traffic problem. Because public transportation can carry more people at a one time than just one car. In addition, if this problem is solved by spending more money on public transportation I wonít have to get up early in the mornings.

    Another reason why governments should spend more money on public transportation is that public transportation is cheap. If you have your own car you have to pay for taxes and you have to pay for gas. However, if you use public transportation you donít have to pay these and if you are a student you can travel cheaper.

    Finally, if you are a student and you use public transportation for going to school, for example by bus, while you are going you can read your newspaper, review your notes or even have your coffee as well. However, if you drive your own car you can not do these kinds of things.

    In conclusion, in big cities traffic problem can only be solved by public transportation. In addition, governments should encourage citizens to use public transportation.

    lol you have already 2 essays
    Last edited by Andac; 02-05-2006 at 08:51 PM. Reason: Automerged post

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    shuriyoken awhig's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ish
    Kabir and I are what you might call "old timers" at TM and we thought it's time to start a TOEFL essay help thread. Anyone who is interested, please do post your essays here, and we'll review it for you!
    Welcome back ish.So long to see you again active.Carry on the good work.

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    Dumbledore's Army arjensteve's Avatar
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    its great reviewing the essays again . Andac Im gonna help you with your first essay.

    Quote Originally Posted by Andac
    Subject: Many students have to live with roommates while going to school or university. What are some of the important qualities of a good roommate? Use specific reasons and examples to explain why these qualties are important.



    [Although] I have never lived with a roommate in my life. [i believe that]However, a good roommate must be respectful, trustful and fun. [ you are expected to offer a little more in the intro, so try touching on the points that will follow this para]

    School [and uni] days are really important for me[ for all of us], especially if you are a student who would like to have high grades like me[omit].[ theres ofcourse more to education than mere grades, you could add too, wrt to what you expect of a roommate ] . If I had a roommate, my roommate should show me some respect. For example, when I try to study my lessons I can only concentrate in a quiet place. Therefore, my roommate should not come to our house and open stereo play with loud music [play the stereo or play loud music] when i try to concentrate my lessons. On the other hand, I should not do anything which my roommate doesnít want from me as well. [ i think you can omit this line here and add it at the end, saying that you cannot expect to have a good room mate , if you are not a good one urself ]


    You live with your roommate all year long and you share a house with him or her. Therefore, a good roommate must be trustful[trustworthy]. For instance, you can have something expensive, a watch or a jewellery, and when you go out you must trust [should have sufficient faith in] your roommate [so that you could be able to] live [leave] it alone with him or her.

    Finally, you would not like to live with someone who is always serious. My roommate must be funny [have a sense of humor]. For example, I can go to a cinema, a bar or a beach with him or her. In addition, my roommate must be someone who I can share jokes with, I can laugh with.

    In conclusion, choosing a roommate is really important. In my opinion, when you choose a roommate try to choose someone who has a similiar mood [tastes as] like yours. [ like the intro, you could have added something more like " a good roomate can make all the difference between an exciting and enjoyable college life and a dull one ]
    --> vary the vocabulary , try avoiding redundancy ( i can see lots of "someone"s and "his or hers")

    --> Im sure you can find one more characteristic of a roommate besides being "trustworthy" and "funny". (helpful, kind, good habits..)

    --> make your intro and conclusion more catchy.

    Good luck

    Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.

    The surest sign that there is intelligent life out there in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

    Draco Dormiems Nunquam Titillandus


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    thank you very much..

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    An Urch Guru Pundit Swami Sage ish's Avatar
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    Suggestions:

    (1) Work on some places where your usage seems too informal. When you read it again, if your work seems like a conversation more than the written word, stop, and modify.
    (2)Make your intro and conclusion as strong as possible.
    (3)Puncuate! Use commas.

    Good luck!

    Quote Originally Posted by Andac

    Subject: Should governments spend more money on improving roads and highways, or should governments spend more money on improving public transportation (buses, trains, subways)? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.



    Travelling from somewhere to somewhere[Try editing this and making it sound more polished, especially the "somewhoere to somewhere" part. You need to start with a bang, as it were ] is really important in big cities. In my opinion, governments should spend more money on improving public transportation, because public transportation is cheap, it can solve traffic problem and it is comfortable.
    Work on the starting line. You need to make sure your first paragraph is really really impressive!

    In my community[punctuate] traffic is a big problem. In the mornings, I use my car to go to work and it takes almost one hour to go to my work[redundant]. Because of traffic I have to get up early to be on time for my work[Third time in as many lines. Try using different words. Dont get repetitive]. If governments spend more money improving public transportation I am sure that this will solve the traffic problem. Because public transportation can carry more people at a one time than just one car[Avoid starting sentences with a Because. ]. In addition, if this problem is solved by spending more money on public transportation I won’t have to get up early in the mornings.{I would really reconsider the last line. Either remove it, or think of a really good reason why...I mean, getting up early in the mornings? Unless you have a really good reason, like it's an unearthly early hour or something like that, this line must be changed..]

    Another reason why governments should spend more money on public transportation is that public transportation is cheap.[cheap for..."..". Complete the idea. It's not cheap for the government, because you have just suggested that they spend money on it.] If you have your own car you have to pay for taxes and you have to pay for gas. However, if you use public transportation you don’t have to pay these and if you are a student you can travel cheaper. [make this a separate line. The ideas do not flow, the one about gas and tax and then student..]

    Finally, if you are a student and you use public transportation for going to school, for example by bus[not needed], while you are going you[modify. Does "During travel" sound better?]can read your newspaper, review your notes or even have your coffee as well. However, if you drive your own car you can not do these kinds of things.

    In conclusion, in big cities traffic problem can only be solved by public transportation. In addition, governments should encourage citizens to use public transportation.
    work on your conclusion. It again needs to be powerful.

  7. #7
    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    Shorten the number of lines by avoiding redundancy.
    Try to put in some more new ideas.

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    If a high school is about to built in my neighborhood, I strongly support the notion. Although it’ll attract other students from other communities and therefore probably bring more traffic and noise, however, the advantages of having a high school in our community weigh out the disadvantages.

    First, my neighborhood has a large teen community which most of its teens are attending to another high school that is far from our community. Our children have to take a bus or ask their parents to give them a ride to go to school. By having a high school our children can walk to school and come back home by themselves. Subsequently, when they walk they will save some time and also benefit of the walking as a regular daily work out. It’ll help them to start their day freshly and can focus on their studies more. On the other hand, parents are not more worry about being late to pick their children up from school.

    Moreover, a high school will bring lots of after school activities that both parent and children can participate in them. Activities like different exercise classes such as yoga or soccer and volleyball which most of student love to participate. So instead of wasting time by going to the clubs and interacting with strange people they enjoy spending time in their school during the early nights.

    I strongly support the idea of having a high school in our neighborhood .A high school will definitely bring benefits for our community.

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    Trying to make mom and pop proud amiomanush's Avatar
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    It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

    If a new shopping center is built in my area, it will definitely have some impacts on my area Brickfields. But I, as a dweller of my area, would be really happy for some valid reasons. So I strongly support the decision that a new shopping center is going to be built in my area.

    I have several reasons for supporting this decision. First, the prospective shopping center will create new job facilities in my area. My area is a remote place from the downtown. Besides that here we do not have enough production plants or business centers. So many people here are still searching for jobs. So it will be very convenient for them to find a job in that huge shopping center.

    Secondly, as my area is situated in a remote location, the value of property is not as worthy as it should be. The new shopping center will obviously impose some value on the price of the properties here. So the people who are seeking good buyers will get it easily as many buyers will be keen to buy these properties.

    In addition to this, the new shopping center will be providing good access of products and services to the dwellers here. So we would not need to go to the present next shopping center which is 5 KM far from our home. It will definitely cut the fuel costs of us and our neighbors.

    Another important thing is the security of this place. Right now not many people are living here as this is a remote place from the central town. But when the new shopping center will be built, this place will not be so empty. The number of security guards and security posts will be increased. So this will cause the reduction of the number of robberies here.

    Besides this, those owners who are not getting tenants here for their empty apartments will be able to get some extra money from their apartments. The demand curve for apartments is going to increase that is for sure.

    Last but not least, the beauty of the overall landscape of my area will certainly develop if the new architecture is built in my area. Its true that this shopping center will bring some noises and traffic jam in my area but if we compare these botheration with the forthcoming possibilities, the people will not count the tiny botheration they are likely to be faced. That the shopping center will bring an overall charm to my place is true. So as a habitant of a long tenure here I very much appreciate the decision that a new large shopping center is to be built in my area. I really thank those guys who are the initiator of that project.

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    Dumbledore's Army arjensteve's Avatar
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    please mention the topic next time.

    Quote Originally Posted by karin


    If a high school is about to built in my neighborhood, I strongly support the notion. Although itíll attract other[omit] students from other communities and therefore probably[omit] bring in more traffic and noise,however[omit], the advantages of having a high school in our community weigh out the disadvantages.[decent start]


    Firstly, my neighborhood has a large teen community which[and] most of its [the] teens are attending to another[a] high school that is far away from our community. Our children have to take a bus or ask their parents to give them a ride to go[omit] to school. By having a high school[if the school is in our locality], our children can walk to and fro school and come back home by themselves[redundancy omit this]. Subsequently, when they walk they will save some time[which will help them do...mention] and [break up the sentence, you are talking about two different topics] Walking also has the benefit of the walking [of serving] as a regular daily work out. Itíll help them to start their day freshly and can focus on their studies more. On the other hand[ Further or Also..you aren't contradicting t he previous sentence], parents are not more worry[ied] about being late [to work by ] picking up their children from school.

    Moreover, a high school will bring lots of after[-]school activities that both parent and children can participate in them[omit]. Activities like different exercise classes such as [ redundancy.Either say activities such as.. or exercise classes like] yoga or soccer and volleyball which most of students love to participate. So instead of wasting time by going to the clubs and interacting with strange people they enjoy spending time in their school during the early nights[this is very vague, I guess u meant students will stop going to other places and spend more time with their friends in a better environment. Try reframing this sentence] .

    I strongly support the idea of having a high school in our neighborhood .A high school will definitely bring benefits for our community.[ An abrupt conclusion. It should have a better impact. Touch on the points you have mentioned in the previous paras. This comes with practice, so keep writing ]
    -> work on your sentence construction and grammar.
    -> Vary your vocabulary.
    -> Add atleast one more benefit in a third para.

    Good luck!

    Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.

    The surest sign that there is intelligent life out there in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

    Draco Dormiems Nunquam Titillandus


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