blue = omit this/omit these
green = revised portion
orange = revising sentence to make it more clear will help
I spotted some grammatical errors. You need to use pronouns where you can and also, try and develop your examples a little more. The way your essay has been structured is good - intro, firstly, secondly, finally and then summing up in conclusion. You also need to work on the tenses (past, present etc; ) in your sentences. You mis-spelt "interesting" - avoiding those mitakes is better.
One last thing:
--> "then" is used to show course of action etc; for example: "wash your hands, then eat"
--> "than" is used for comparison. for example: "jill is better than jack"
PS: My browser page refreshed and the post got posted twice accidentally. Please ignore the post below.