Two essays, looking for feedback

[greg718]

Hi, I was wondering if I could get some feedback on these essays. I'm really having trouble getting the hang of the Issue essay and I could use some tips. Thanks!

 

"The true strength of a country is best demonstrated by the willingness of its government to tolerate challenges from its own citizens."

 

The relationship between a government and its citizens is a complicated one, and requires sacrifices and compromises by both sides in order to make effective decisions for the good of everyone. As American president John F. Kennedy remarked, "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." This remark illustrates the reciprocal relationship between government and the populace; although it is the responsibility of government to make decisions to provide an effective environment for people to live, the citizens have the responsibility of being proactive in order to help this process run smoothly. Thus, in order for a country to exhibit true strength, it is necessary to strike an appropriate balance between governmental authority and challenges from the citizenry.

 

Consider the structure of the United States government, which consists of three branches: Executive, Judicial, and Legislative. These branches are regulated by a system of checks and balances such that no one branch has too much authority. Although the Executive branch is meant to represent the primary leadership of the government, the Legislative branch in particular is concerned with making sure the voices of the citizens are recognized and incorporated into the decision-making process. This branch is comprised of Congress, a body of over 500 elected representatives from all regions of the United States. Thus, each representative acts as a voice for the opinions of a particular slice of the population. Since Conrgress comprises the principal decision-making apparatus of the United States government, the challenges of the people are heard and taken into account when new laws and policies are created. This is one of the major factors that has made the United States one of the most powerful and prosperous nations in the world.

 

On the other hand, the Soviet Union could be considered an example of how this concept can go awry. In the Revolution of 1917, the Bolshevik's overthrew the dictatorial Tsarist government with the aim of creating a government in which all persons are on equal footing. According to the principles of Communism, such a government would necessarily act in the best interest of the people, responding appropriately and favorably to any challenges or difficulties that may arise. This is, in principle, the opposite of totalitarianism, in which the government makes all final decisions while ignoring the opinions of the citizenry. In practice, however, such extremism led to extremely unfavorable results. The government soon became infested with corrupt individuals, while also being weighed down with bureaucracy. Since, unlike the United States, there was no system of checks and balances to facilitate the dialogue between government and citizens, the nation was dragged down into an effective dictatorship, rife with poverty and devoid of any representation from common citizens.

 

These two examples show that in order for a government to be effective and display true strength, there needs to be an appropriate balance between executive authority and representation from citizens. It is this give-and-take process that is necessary for a government to effectively meet the challenges proffered by its people.

 

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"The luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals."

 

Today, we live in a truly unique age. As technology continues to develop at an exponential rate, modern people must navigate a world that would seem ludicrous to previous generations. Although this so-called “progress” has led to various disasters such as catastrophic wars and serious environmental concerns, the standard of living for most Western nations is at an all-time high due to the various technologically-induced luxuries at our disposal. But do these luxuries really make our lives better? Or do they engender a pervasive apathy and complacency in which we become increasingly dependent on them, resulting in deficiency of character, independence, and other desirable human qualities? Despite these potential pitfalls of technology, technology has in general made our lives immeasurably better.

 

Consider social networking sites such as Facebook, in which we have the ability to connect with a vast circle of friends, family, and business partners. This has the potential to deepen our social intimacy, as there can now be a free flow of information between individuals without the confines of physical space. This may become harmful if social networking sites completely replace face-to-face interaction, but it is entirely within our control to prevent this from happening. Used in moderation, such sites can vastly enrich our relationships.

 

In terms of physical health, it may easily be argued that technology has created enormous problems. Approximately one third of Americans are obese, and that percentage has been continually rising for some time. This is due to the widespread availability and convenience of fast food restaurants and other unhealthy dieting options. On the other hand, modern machines such as treadmills, along with gym facilities equipped with all the amenities necessary for physical fitness, allow us to excel in physical health if we so desire. In addition, there is a wealth of free information on the internet regarding proper nutrition and exercise programs. It is more convenient than ever before to maintain physical fitness and good nutrition; all it requires is discipline.

 

As we have seen, technology has created numerous problems for society. However, it has also created the solutions to those problems. Responsibility for one’s own personal well-being rests entirely with the individual; technology is merely an enabler, for better or for worse.

[H10okie]

Hey there!

 

Some quick feedback on your essays:

 

 

I like that you gave a counterpoint--something you will need in your Issue essay to get a high score. However, you only gave one point for your stance. Try coming up 2 points for your position and 1 counterpoint. One strategy that might help if you are running out of time when typing your essays is making your opening short and sweet and to the point. Use that extra time you would have spent on your opening on your body because I think the body is way more important (that's not to say you shouldn't have an opening because you definitely need a sentence or two!). If you have time left at the end, you can edit and revise your essay and add more to the opening if you feel the need.

 

Essay 2

 

Hi, I was wondering if I could get some feedback on these essays. I'm really having trouble getting the hang of the Issue essay and I could use some tips. Thanks!

 

"The true strength of a country is best demonstrated by the willingness of its government to tolerate challenges from its own citizens."

 

The relationship between a government and its citizens is a complicated one, and requires sacrifices and compromises by both sides in order to make effective decisions for the good of everyone. As American president John F. Kennedy remarked, "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." This remark illustrates the reciprocal relationship between government and the populace; although it is the responsibility of government to make decisions to provide an effective environment for people to live, the citizens have the responsibility of being proactive in order to help this process run smoothly. Thus, in order for a country to exhibit true strength, it is necessary to strike an appropriate balance between governmental authority and challenges from the citizenry.

 

Consider the structure of the United States government, which consists of three branches: Executive, Judicial, and Legislative. These branches are regulated by a system of checks and balances such that no one branch has too much authority. Although the Executive branch is meant to represent the primary leadership of the government, the Legislative branch in particular is concerned with making sure the voices of the citizens are recognized and incorporated into the decision-making process. This branch is comprised of Congress, a body of over 500 elected representatives from all regions of the United States. Thus, each representative acts as a voice for the opinions of a particular slice of the population. Since Conrgress comprises the principal decision-making apparatus of the United States government, the challenges of the people are heard and taken into account when new laws and policies are created. This is one of the major factors that has made the United States one of the most powerful and prosperous nations in the world.

 

On the other hand, the Soviet Union could be considered an example of how this concept can go awry. In the Revolution of 1917, the Bolshevik's overthrew the dictatorial Tsarist government with the aim of creating a government in which all persons are on equal footing. According to the principles of Communism, such a government would necessarily act in the best interest of the people, responding appropriately and favorably to any challenges or difficulties that may arise. This is, in principle, the opposite of totalitarianism, in which the government makes all final decisions while ignoring the opinions of the citizenry. In practice, however, such extremism led to extremely unfavorable results. The government soon became infested with corrupt individuals, while also being weighed down with bureaucracy. Since, unlike the United States, there was no system of checks and balances to facilitate the dialogue between government and citizens, the nation was dragged down into an effective dictatorship, rife with poverty and devoid of any representation from common citizens.

 

These two examples show that in order for a government to be effective and display true strength, there needs to be an appropriate balance between executive authority and representation from citizens. It is this give-and-take process that is necessary for a government to effectively meet the challenges proffered by its people.

 

-------

 

"The luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals."

 

Today, we live in a truly unique age. As technology continues to develop at an exponential rate, modern people must navigate a world that would seem ludicrous to previous generations. Although this so-called “progress” has led to various disasters such as catastrophic wars and serious environmental concerns, the standard of living for most Western nations is at an all-time high due to the various technologically-induced luxuries at our disposal. But do these luxuries really make our lives better? Or do they engender a pervasive apathy and complacency in which we become increasingly dependent on them, resulting in deficiency of character, independence, and other desirable human qualities? Despite these potential pitfalls of technology, technology has in general made our lives immeasurably better.

 

Consider social networking sites such as Facebook, in which we have the ability to connect with a vast circle of friends, family, and business partners. This has the potential to deepen our social intimacy, as there can now be a free flow of information between individuals without the confines of physical space. This may become harmful if social networking sites completely replace face-to-face interaction, but it is entirely within our control to prevent this from happening. Used in moderation, such sites can vastly enrich our relationships.

 

In terms of physical health, it may easily be argued that technology has created enormous problems. Approximately one third of Americans are obese, and that percentage has been continually rising for some time. This is due to the widespread availability and convenience of fast food restaurants and other unhealthy dieting options. On the other hand, modern machines such as treadmills, along with gym facilities equipped with all the amenities necessary for physical fitness, allow us to excel in physical health if we so desire. In addition, there is a wealth of free information on the internet regarding proper nutrition and exercise programs. It is more convenient than ever before to maintain physical fitness and good nutrition; all it requires is discipline.

 

As we have seen, technology has created numerous problems for society. However, it has also created the solutions to those problems. Responsibility for one’s own personal well-being rests entirely with the individual; technology is merely an enabler, for better or for worse.

[greg718]

Hi, thanks for the feedback! Time is definitely an issue for me. For both of these essays I had to cut my thoughts short and write the conclusion in the last 2-3 minutes. I've also been having trouble thinking of multiple examples. But I will definitely take your advice of keeping the intro short.