Desmond Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 This is my Persuasive paper. please guys I need someone how can fix the grammatical mistakes. Thanks Should Alcohol be Prohibited? Drinking alcohol has been a controversial issue that people have argued about around the world for a long time. Although, many people believe alcohol should be prohibited for all genders and ages, others believe that it should remain legal for those who are twenty years of age or older. Many people believe that alcohol has positive effects to the society, economy and health. However, many people think the opposite. Alcohol should be banned by law to all people in the United States particularly, and the world generally, because of the negative effects that come from alcohol, such as financial issues, social issues, and health issues. First, many people believe that alcohol costs are not a big deal and don’t create financial problems because they think alcohol in general is cheap. And you can find it everywhere. However, alcohol causes financial problems. For example, getting a DUI ticket, which is driving under the influence from a police officer. Can cost a lot of money and sometimes may turn into a huge issue that affects your identity as a person. In addition, alcohol addiction may make a lot of financial trouble due to the affects that alcohol causes. For example, a week ago I read an article from the local newspaper about the increasing price of alcohol after June of 2009, and how this change will affects alcohol addicts in this circumstances. Second, “many people believe that the intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.” It’s must be recognize that alcohol has positive effects in the society such as meeting new people and having a fun time, starting conversations and making relationships. However, drinking alcohol can lead to disaster events. For example, these relationships that someone makes may turn to a sexual contact to incur. Also, alcohol affects the way that people drive. There are thousands of alcohol-related deaths and car crashes every year. More teenagers’ deaths are caused by alcohol-related crashes than all diseases combined. Did you know that huge percentage of the highway deaths causes by alcohol? Also, alcohol may effect the normal routine of someone’s life of doing certain thinks such as focusing on education, arriving at job on time and having fun without losing mind. For example, I remember one of my friend told me, one reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. Ultimately, If an illegal drug such as marijuana does not affect the society badly, but alcohol does, then why is it still legal? Third, many people believe that alcohol is a source of relaxation. And they think there are no side effects. However, drinking alcohol increases the risk for many health issues. In addition, alcohol can lead to life threatening diseases such as alcoholic liver disease, heart muscle disease, sexual difficulties and obesity because alcohol has lot of calories. These diseases may not appear in the present, but they might appear in the future. In conclusion, we see that the negative effects that are caused by alcohol are more tyrannized than the positive effects. Health, social and financial is the essence in this life. Alcohol should be banned by law before it will be too late. Do you still want to drink alcohol? If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlNik Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Next message Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlNik Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 This is generally good, even though the style needs work and the number of errors should be reduced. I would give it 4.5-5 out of 6. My comments and corrections are below. This is my Persuasive paper. please guys I need someone how can fix the grammatical mistakes. Thanks Should Alcohol be Prohibited? Alcohol consumption (not drinking alcohol) has been a controversial issue (that people have argued about - you don't need this, it breaks the sentence unnecessarily) around the world for a long time. Although (no need for a comma) many people believe alcohol should be prohibited for all genders and ages, others believe that it should remain legal for those who are twenty years of age or older. Many people believe that alcohol has positive effects on (not to) the society, economy and health. However, many people (you repeat 'many people' too many times - try 'other people', 'others', 'opposing view is that...') think the opposite. Alcohol should be banned by law for (not to) everyone (not 'all people') in the United States, in particular, and the world generally, because of the negative effects that come from abuse of alcohol, such as financial, social, and health issues (you do not need to write issues three times, just at the end). Firstly, many people believe that alcohol costs are not significant (do not use 'a big deal', too informal) and do not (never use don't, can't etc in formal papers) create financial problems because they think alcohol in general is cheap. And (do not start a sentence with And. You can either extend the previous sentence or use 'In addition, alcohol is available everywhere') you can find it everywhere. However, alcohol causes financial problems. For example, getting a DUI ticket (not 'which is driving under the influence', write 'which is short for 'Driving Under Influence'') from a police officer can cost a lot of money and sometimes may turn into a huge issue that affects your identity as a person (construct 'identity of a person' is bad English in this case. maybe you wanted to write 'person's integrity'?). In addition, alcohol addiction may lead to (not 'make') a lot of financial trouble due to the effects (there is a difference between effects and affects) that alcohol causes. For example, I read an article in the local newspaper a week ago (order of words, use of commas, preposition) announcing an increase in price of alcohol (I rephrased the whole construct 'aboutincreasing price of alcohol') after June of 2009, and how this change will affect (not 'affects') alcohol addicts. (redundant - 'in this circumstances'). Secondly, “many people believe that the intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.” It (not 'it's') must be recognized that alcohol has positive effects on (not in) one's social life (instead of 'society'), e.g. (I rephrased the whole construct that follows) consumption of alcohol makes it easier to meet new people, have fun, and start relationships. However, drinking alcohol can lead to disastrous (not 'disaster') events. For example, (I had to rephrase the whole sentence 'these relationships that someone makes may turn to a sexual contact to incur'), the relationships started under influence of alcohol can lead to sexual contact (my comment - bloody hell, I don't see a problem here :) ). Also (you should avoid 'also' in formal papers, it is better to use 'in addition', 'furthermore' etc), alcohol affects the way that people drive. There are thousands of alcohol-related deaths and car crashes every year. More teenagers’ deaths are caused by alcohol-related crashes than all diseases combined. Did you know that a huge percentage of the highway deaths are caused (not 'causes') by alcohol? (if you can avoid it, do not ask questions in a formal paper) Also, alcohol may effect the normal routines (you name more than one in this sentence) of someone’s life (you don't need 'of doing certain things') such as: focusing on education, arriving at job on time and having fun without losing one's mind. For example, I remember one of my friend telling (not 'told') me, "One reason I do not drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time" (you could have also written 'I remember one friend telling me that the one reason he does not drink is that he wants to know when he is having a good time') . Ultimately, If an illegal drug such as marijuana does not affect the society badly, but alcohol does, then why is it still legal? Finally (not 'Third'), many people believe that alcohol is a source of relaxation and they think there are no side effects. However, drinking alcohol increases the risk of (you used 'for' which is also ok, but 'of' makes more sense style-wise) many health issues. In addition, alcohol can lead to life threatening diseases such as alcoholic liver disease, heart muscle disease, sexual difficulties and obesity because alcohol contains (not 'has') a lot of calories. These diseases may not appear immediately (not 'in the present'), but they might manifest themselves (we do not want to use 'appear' twice in one sentence) in the future. In conclusion, (you do not need 'we see that', it is not good formal English and it is not necessary here) the negative effects that are caused by alcohol are more tyrannized (???, what is your point here? maybe you should have written 'negative effects are not emphasized as much as the positive effects') than the positive effects. Health, as well as social and financial welfare are all essential in one's life (instead of 'Health, social and financial is the essence in this life'). Alcohol should be banned by law before it is (not 'will be') too late. Do you still want to drink alcohol? (do not ask questions) If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi instead. There.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbfelix Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 Thanks Alnik, maybe desmond has not seen your comments yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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