Please help me rate my TOEFL essay, thank you!

[parisaal]

This is the essay I wrote for the first Cambridge toefl test I did. The topic was "Do you agree or disagree with the statement: Childhood is the happiest time of one's life"

I would really appreciate it if you can tell me your opinion about it. Here it is:

 

Childhood is a very crucial stage of life, for that it is the time in which the personality of a person shapes. However, in my point of view, it is the happiest time of a person's life as well. There are many reasons why I believe this way. For a child, worries are funny, everything around is a wonder, and sorrow is undefined.

 

My first reason for believing that childhood is the most wonderful time of anybody's life is that a child has very limited, if any, responsibilities. Consequently, he or she has very few things to worry about. A little kid is more concerned with when and with whom he or she is going to play, rather than being involved in more serious issues of life. This point makes life more pleasant for a child.

 

Moreover, children look at the world as if there is magic in everything. When we are young, the sun shines brighter and the air smells better. Children find pleasure even in small things, an ability that we tend to lose as we grow older and a feeling that we can feel again only when dreaming.

 

The last reason why I believe that children feel sheer felicity is the fact that they are not yet exposed to devastating realities of life, and they are still as innocent as an angel. Lie, envy, and cruelty are undefined words in their vocabulary, and therefore they do not see them in their surroundings either. They still have faith that everybody is good and anything is possible.

 

To conclude, childhood is a magical time in which everything is like a fairytale: wonderful and with a happy ending. These characteristics of childhood makes it the most wonderful time of our lives, and that is why we occasionally read in works of great writers and poets that they wish to go back to the beautiful world of childhood.

 

 

Thanks :-)

[Tino]

This is a very good essay. There are basically no grammar errors (just one or two minor ones that do not effect the reader's understanding) and word use is at a high level. The use of "felicity" is correct, but a bit awkward.... but I don't think that's a problem. Also, probably better not to begin a paragraph with a transition like "Moreover".... but again, minor.

 

Word count is reasonable. Organization is good. This will get 24 or higher.

 

Only one suggestion, try to add more direct examples "when I was a child", instead of generalizations in the body paragraphs.

 

If you can write this level of essay in 30 minutes, your going to do well on the writing section!

 

Tino

[parisaal]

Thank you so much for your review. You mentioned some very interesting points that I really appreciate. I have 2 questions regarding your comments. You said I should add more direct examples of my own experiences, right? Is it always OK? I was reading a Toefl book and it said personal examples are inappropriate. Could you explain more on this?

And also could you give me some hints why I lose 6 points (you said I will get 24 or more) and how I can eliminate those factors and raise my grade toward 30? Do I need more advanced words or structures? More details? Or something else? Please let me know what your expert opinion is.

 

Really thanks,

Parisa

Edited September 13, 2011 by parisaal

[Tino]

Good questions!

My standard is 24 as the minimum because that is what many of our students want. I think this essay will get more than that.... but at least that. It is hard to establish exact scores at a high level, as it is subjective to the raters. But more specific personal examples would help. But if I guess, this will be about a 26-28.

 

What book told you not to use personal examples?

 

Tino

[parisaal]

Thanks for your evaluations. I read it in "Cracking the TOEFL iBT Book". It wasn't stated directly but one of the samples provided as a low scoring example had a personal example (something like I think X is good since it has helped me a lot in my studies) BTW, I did the second cambridge test today and I would appreciate if you rate them as well. But I understand if you prefer not to, so just tell me and I will put them in a separate thread :-)

 

My integrated writing: Tidal power

 

The lecturer argues that the tidal energy, however beneficial in providing local electricity power, has some drawbacks that needs to be reviewed critically so that its several drawbacks can be taken into consideration as well. The reading, however, only talks about merits of tidal energy and consider it as a useful, non-polluting energy resource. The professor casts doubt on this by explaining several negative effects of tidal power on environment and economy.

 

The professor's first reason for critisizing tidal power is the fact that it brings about environmental changes that can be devastating to birds, fish, and vegetations which are adapted to the circumstances qou. It changes the quaility of water, mixes salty water with fresh water, and causes serious problems for fish migration. This casts doubt on the reading which regards tidal power as a clean source of energy.

 

Secondly, the professor is also concerned about the negative effects of using tidal power on the economy of local popullation. As rivers are segmented by barrages, fishing boats are not able to pass easily, and this means that local fishermen can not continue fishing. This fact casts doubt on the reading that does not mention such aspects of using tidal power at all.

 

In conclusion, while the reading only states positive points of tidal power, the professor points our several negative effects that she believes should be considered as well.

 

 

My second writing: "Compare and contrast your way of life with that of your parents. Which way of life do you think would be more satisfying for future generations?

 

Everything around us is evolving each minute, and change is an inavitable thing in such a world. Of course the world we live in today is fundamentally different form the circumstances in which our parents were brought up. Whether or not the changes have been positive is broadly debated. While some people may dream about the good old days, others embrace the changes. I, presonally, are among the latter group, and I believe that the current way of living would be taken up by the future generations as well.

 

My first reason for the current state is more satistying for future generations is that I can observe that it is very popular among the young. Younger people are reluctant to do things the old way. Whenever a new technology comes to the market, they all adopt it rapidly, and soon there is no trace that other older versions ever existed.

Another reason I believe that the our current way of living will more pleasant for future generation is that it is easier than the lifestyle of our parents. Young people have no interest in sending mails for example, and then wait days for the response. They are so used to email and online chat systems that they get frustrated even for a few seconds of delay.

 

Additionally, I believe no one can deny the wide range of improvements in our lifestyles over years. Medical advances enable us to cure disease of which people could have died just 50 years ago and new commucation technologies have brought us closer. I believe new generations will comprehent such beneficial advances and choose to keep them.

 

In conclusion, I believe that there is no escape from change. Even if we believe the changes do more harm than good, there is no escape from it and future generations will like our current way of living better than that of our parents.

 

 

I know there are some spelling mistakes but I copy/pasted them just as I did in the test to have a estimation of my true grade.

 

Really thanks for helping me,

Parisa

[Nivetha3]

Please rate my essay

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Children over the age of 15 should be allowed to vote.

I agree that children over the age of 15 should be allowed to vote. It can be considered as a right and can eventually should be brought in to practice. One may argue that the right to vote is 18 and that's what the rule. I totally agree with that. But we need to remember when this rule was passed. It was when the constitution designed which may be in 90's or 80's. In that period, we considered that children became aware and educated and were able to decide what is right or wrong around the age of 18. Hence they can accomplish their right to vote in that age. But in this modern world, children are quite smart and aware of worldy things since their childhood. They are connected using social networks, smart phones etc and living at the edge of technologies. Kids grew up by watching , using and living with technologies. They are able to decide their career and know what is good or bad even in childhood. So, why not give them the right to vote inthe age of 15? I feel they will become more responsible being able to decide the ruler of the country and contributing in deciding the good and bad for the society as well. This sounds to be little impractical but moving forward, one has to revisit the rules that were framed earlier. According to me, it feels like an opportunity being given to the younger generation who are the backbone of a country to decide the leader as well. It would revolutionize and being in remarkable changes in society and flourish the country. It is not about implementing just the rule but also exercising it in the right to change the fate of a nation.

[Aditi Singh]

Can anyone evaluate this essay please?

*It is more important for students to understand ideas and concepts than it is for them to learn facts.

Like a coin that has two sides every debatable topic has two aspects namely the advantage and disadvantage. No doubt the given topic has points strong enough to debate but I would definitely go with the utter importance for students to understand ideas and concepts rather than just learning the facts.

For me learning facts is just like by hearting something without taking into consideration the importance of the subject or its applicability in practical life. By understanding ideas and concepts of a particular matter or a subject one can easily apply those ideas or use them in daily life. For instance one can score good in theory by learning facts and jotting them down in the paper but what about the time when you are asked to explain about its applicability. Let’s take an example of an accounts student. The student in question does know all the accounting standards and has learned them by heart but what is the use of learning when he won’t be able to use or rather apply them while doing the real accounts of a financial or any concerned organization. Well this was just a way to show how understanding ideas and concepts is necessary because that way compels an individual to question things that arises in mind when a certain concept does not yields proper results.

Said that, I assume learning facts can be essential at times for the reason that some exceptions for instance, in grammar of various languages or assumptions in economics or the historical dates or even the names of geographical importance need to be learned. They just cannot be understood,they have to be learned or the facts are to be taken into consideration.

But if looked through a broader perspective understanding concepts would always seem prudential and essential according to me. Because learning facts won't always serve while understanding concepts would attribute a better perspective in any area.