I had written a detailed critique but the system rebooted and I lost my post !! This is a somewhat shorter version.
Even though I have only recently begun working on AWA, i will try my best to meaningfully critique your essay.
Overall it is a fair attempt but I will focus more on areas of improvement as I personally find them slightly more helpful. Finally, please remember I am also a beginner like you, and so my critique may be as flawed as my own essays are !
You emphatically agree with the author’s stance, which comes across clearly in your first few sentences. It is a good opening paragraph. The first example also connects. However, I am not clear on how the second and third examples are relevant. There are also some grammatical errors and repetitive phrases, such as So if everybody in the society takes responsibility to obey the laws then everybody in this society will be safe and secured and lead their lives peacefully .
Hope this is of some help. All the very best for GMAT !