understand the most important characteristics of a society =study its major cities?

[atabati]

Hi all,

any comments regards to my essay, would be strongly appreciated by me, Thanks

 

 

The speaker attempts to create this claim that if we are going to the perceive the most critical and outstanding features of a society, we have to concentrate on studying the big cities in that society. Indeed, those important features which we are looking for finding about them, build the identification of the people in that society. Consequently, by studying the large cities we can target the main gatherings of communities and people in that society in our study.

 

 

First of all, if we want to study and understand the outstanding features of a society, a very effectual and handy way is to focus our attention to the large parts of that society in forms of basic communities, organizations and different kinds of capitals which are mostly entrenched in large cities and also plays an influential role in the society. For example, in most countries like Iran or Italy, there are cities which are known as the caches and homes for religion, such as Qom and Mashhad in Iran. These cities in most of the time, are some of large ones which are also known as religious capitals of related countries or regions. If we pay our attention to them, not only we can find out those important features about the religious believes among people of that society, but also there are always some special behaviors and conventions which were established around those cities, which now there is an opportunity to learn about them too.

 

 

In addition to the previous example, we can state the same issue about the governmental, economical and political communities in a society. There are special large cities which are known as the main place of one or some of these communities, which are behoove us to allot our time on discovering different information about them. Because lots of important characteristics of a society are created in direct or indirect influences of economical, governmental and political factors.

Furthermore, starting an analysis over conceiving cardinal characteristics of a society requires us to find appropriate gatherings of people, those who have active interactions among themselves, in result of that we can find the high chance of understanding the most common and important behaviors among them. In fact, these behaviors are the factors creating our intended features. On the other hands, in small cities, there is a small chance of finding that fitting interaction between people which is more observable in some countries like Canada. In canada, you can find a tranquil cities , filled from peaceful moments, because most of people usually prefer to spend their free time in a more crowded and different areas like the country sides of capitals cities.

 

 

Despite the whole reasons and examples which I stated about them, there is an undeniable fact about small cities which can be telling of the target we are directing to it. This fact is that depending to the customs of different countries, there are societies which those old cultural events and conventional behaviors are stayed alive among them, and we can find out less of them in big cities. However, this is not the case in all countries.

In conclusion, I want to express that if we allot our main focus and time for our study on some targeted and big cities in the intended society, there would be more possibility for us to achieve the goal of understanding those projecting features of that society.

[Monica Shankar]

Greetings mr/ms.Atabati,

 

these are one of those topics that you may interpret to be a bagatelle but it is uncanny alluring snare that can rattle your scores.

 

Ok first things go first,,

 

my assessment is that this passage should be given 3.0 but your your ubiquitous grammatical would pull deprave down your score to 2.0....Please allocate at least 3 minutes for proof-reading.Your inarticulate grammar hinders an otherwise cohesive flow...

 

If these grammatical mistakes were not to be deemed as 'careless' from your side,,I suggest you to read some really good articles like those of The Atlantic,The New Yorker,New York times,The New York book reviews..Read a lot.Develop a penchant for it and allocate atleast 1 hour per day.

 

Comming back to the passage entry,,

 

Your introduction is reasonably good but can be made stylistically better.

 

For Example:

 

"A man can be identified by the social group he belongs to",A society by the city to which it belongs.I begin my hypothesis by stating that Cities are indeed the visages towards deciphering the important aspects of a society

 

 

First of all, if we want to study and understand the outstanding features of a society, a very effectual and handy way is to focus our attention to the large parts of that society in forms of basic communities, organizations and different kinds of capitals which are mostly entrenched in large cities and also plays an influential role in the society. For example, in most countries like Iran or Italy, there are cities which are known as the caches and homes for religion, such as Qom and Mashhad in Iran. These cities in most of the time, are some of large ones which are also known as religious capitals of related countries or regions. If we pay our attention to them, not only we can find out those important features about the religious believes among people of that society, but also there are always some special behaviors and conventions which were established around those cities, which now there is an opportunity to learn about them too.

Ok,I get your idea,but I don't understand the depth of it.You had given examples of Qom and Mashhad(If you are an Iranian,God bless your newly elected Premier,may peace be the order of the day)but what is special about those places.Do those places have special ecclesiastical stuff or cardinal shrines and mosques that your entire country follows.What are so special in those places to suggest prime religious activities occruring in those places.Can you actually state that the demographic divide on religious issues is not variegated but concentrated to small but primordial regions as a whole.

 

In addition to the previous example, we can state the same issue about the governmental, economical and political communities in a society. There are special large cities which are known as the main place of one or some of these communities, which are behoove us to allot our time on discovering different information about them. Because lots of important characteristics of a society are created in direct or indirect influences of economical, governmental and political factors.

Furthermore, starting an analysis over conceiving cardinal characteristics of a society requires us to find appropriate gatherings of people, those who have active interactions among themselves, in result of that we can find the high chance of understanding the most common and important behaviors among them. In fact, these behaviors are the factors creating our intended features. On the other hands, in small cities, there is a small chance of finding that fitting interaction between people which is more observable in some countries like Canada. In canada, you can find a tranquil cities , filled from peaceful moments, because most of people usually prefer to spend their free time in a more crowded and different areas like the country sides of capitals cities.

Again as a fore-mentioned it lacks the specificity.these are just some crazy mishmash of rhetorics flung from obtuse angles that are unflappably devoid of the meat(lol,just meant to be capriciously sarcastic).

 

literally you have made a blunder of Canada.First you mentioned 'Canadian tranquil cities' which are unbecoming because they are crowded.Do you mean to imply that the more crowded a country is, the more tranquil it would be?If so can you support it with a argument.

 

Conclusion,nothing special but could have completed more stylistically .

 

Seriously you need to read quite good amount of articles and follow tips of AWA more diligently,Your vocabulary is cordially amusing and so keep up the good work on that.

 

By the way I am also a student and this is my profile https://www.facebook.com/monica.shankar.31

[Rapha92]

I would grade your essay with a 2/6 as it shows heavy weaknesses in grammar and the use of language. This causes a lack of profound argumentation and makes your essay not only

very hard to read, but also really difficult to understand the message, you want to communicate.

 

Starting off with the introduction, I think you should clearer state your position and give an indication, of what the essay is all about.

Your paragraphs are clearly separated into two main ideas, and you manage well to connect the to passages.

Unfortunately there are only 2 paragraphs supporting your position, but I think you should better write 3, as this is recommended in all the guides.

In the last paragraph you start to address points which are opposing your position or potential drawbacks of your position. This is very good, but try also to mention an argument, which you can oppose to those drawbacks.

Concerning the conclusion, try to take a few more sentences to conclude the essay. Maybe mention the main arguments briefly and tell the reader, how this leads to your conclusion.

 

Overall i think the main reason for my grading, is the lack of the use of suitable language and the weaknesses in grammar. I would advise you to improve this, as this enables you to clearer communicate your ideas and arguments and will lead to a noticeable increase in your grade. You can maybe try to read well graded essays of other students and investigate, how they use the language to state their arguments and write a convincing essay.

 

I hope it helps and good luck studying!

[atabati]

I really appreciate for your time and great comment, I would definitely use excellent points you made. Thanks