writing task 1 and 2 (academic) need feedback

[daa]

hi everyone

i wrote two samples for the writing tasks one and two

will really appreciate if someone could give me an evaluation

the questions are attached

Thanks in advance

 

 

writing task 1

 

The given bar graph illustrates the number of males and females invested time in further education comparing between these numbers in both full-time and part- time studying. The time period of the comparison is through three successive decades the 1970s, 1980s and the 1990s.

According to the data represented in the graph, it is obvious that the part time education was demonstrating for both men and women and also through the three different years. The total number of people in the 3 years-both men and women-spent partial time in education was about 4.5 million, while the number of those spent time studying fully was approximately 2 million.

Another significant feature noticed from the graph is the jump in the number of females invested time in part time education. In 1990, the women number in part time education went up by almost one-third the number in 1970.

On the other hand, the men's educational full time was increased steadily from 1970 until 1990. The number was about 100 thousand in 1970 then moved up slightly to about 150 thousand in 1980 and finally reached 200 thousand in 1990. The part time education showed a different pattern, a decrease in the number of part time learner occurred in 1980. There was a decline of about 200 thousand male in the year 1980. However, the number went up again in 1990 to reach 900 thousand man which was still less than the number in 1970 by about one-tenth.

To sum up, the graph shows a preference in part time education over full time education for both men and women. However, the number of women engaged in the 1990s with part time education was more than the number of men while the number was almost the same in the full time education.

 

writing task 2

 

Nowadays, it seems that we are developing a more materialistic kind of world where people are no more judged by their moral values. This can be true in most communities but i'm not totally in favor of it. in my opinion values are very important to human beings and people still search fine qualities in their friends and partners.

it can not be denied that people are to some extent judged by their social status. some jobs are found to be more respected than other. in developing countries for example, people respect those with higher level career like university professors more than the respect they show for what considered to be a lower standard jobs like labor workers although that person with the lower level job can be better in terms of his values and morals. in more developed communities, you can find a different scenario the person state in community is not judged by the level of job he does but by the efficiency he does his job with and dedication he shows for it.

human wealth is also a judging criteria where some people see fortune as a way having more power. money can give people a better life standard, allow them to access higher quality stuff and live in fancy houses. however the way someone managed to have his wealth will always be the question, it must be through a honest and hard working route.

on the other hand values like being honor, kind and trustworthy can not be neglected. from my point of view, in our daily life we always search for people who are faithful, honest and kind because we can trust and rely on them. you won't go out aiming to have a partner or a friend with a wealth, great job and belongs to a famous family but at the same time has no moral values. he can easily lie, cheat and almost can do anything to achieve his purposes. although some people actually judge depending on that criteria, they finally end up being in misery as they can not stand the over-materialistic kind of life that is not engaged with human emotions and values.

to sum up, it appears to me that materialistic stuff and social statue are nothing without high supportive moral values. one must try to achieve being in a higher social class, having a prestigious job or whatever the he seeks in life without losing his values.

[Nostril5]

Task 1 is difficult to score. You have great structure and OK vocabulary. You answer the task, but your grammar has problems and this interferes with my understanding. So, that grammar might keep you at a 6.0. However, like I said, it is tricky and a more generous marker might push you to a 6.5. The problems are with the verbs (active/passive, form), relative clauses and plural forms of nouns.

 

Task 2 is more likely to get you a 6.5. The structure is good. The vocabulary is mostly OK ('stuff' is very informal) and the question is answered. The grammar seems better here. However, some sentences run on and the punctuation is awful. I assume this is just typing fast in another language, but if you know punctuation, use it. It takes a few seconds:) If you do not, you will lose massive marks.

 

The reason I have said that the scoring is difficult is that it depends where you take the test. There are many centres in India, Pakistan, Nepal and China which will give you higher scores for this kind of writing!!!!!

[daa]

Task 1 is difficult to score. You have great structure and OK vocabulary. You answer the task, but your grammar has problems and this interferes with my understanding. So, that grammar might keep you at a 6.0. However, like I said, it is tricky and a more generous marker might push you to a 6.5. The problems are with the verbs (active/passive, form), relative clauses and plural forms of nouns.

 

Task 2 is more likely to get you a 6.5. The structure is good. The vocabulary is mostly OK ('stuff' is very informal) and the question is answered. The grammar seems better here. However, some sentences run on and the punctuation is awful. I assume this is just typing fast in another language, but if you know punctuation, use it. It takes a few seconds:) If you do not, you will lose massive marks.

 

The reason I have said that the scoring is difficult is that it depends where you take the test. There are many centres in India, Pakistan, Nepal and China which will give you higher scores for this kind of writing!!!!!

 

i really want to thank you for the reply and the feedback

could you give me some examples for the mistakes i made in the two essays

this will be really helpful and will make things more clear

 

i'm only targeting band 6 in total with no specific requirements for separate modules but i really want to improve my writing so i won't be that close to the edge of the targeted score. i don't know what may happen in the real test and sure it will be helpful in general.

 

thanks

Edited February 9, 2014 by daa

[daa]

another trial hope it is improved

 

The given line graph illustrates the percentage of different age groups attending cinema in Australia between 1990 and 2010. In general, the graph shows that youth between 14 and 24 year olds was the highest groups attending cinema, while elder people-50 year olds or above-showed the least presence in cinema theatres.

According to the graph, all age groups had a higher percentage of cinema attendance in 2010 than it was in 1990. For example, in 1990, about 3 in 5 people, aged between 35 and 49 year olds, attended a cinema at least once, while in 2010 the percentage increased to reach 85 percent. Some unchanging periods when the percentage remained constant, can be noticed in all age groups. Between the year 1998 and 2006, people who were between 14 and 24 year olds, maintained a constant 90 percent attendance, while older groups, between 25 and 35 year olds, stayed at 80 percent.

To sum up, all age groups showed a steady increase along the years between 1990 and 2010 with some constant periods. However, some exceptional cases can be noticed when certain drops happened like in 2010, when the percentage dropped by about 10 percent compared with 2005.

 

thanks