Looking for some helpful feedback :)

[joy_mookerji]

"It is always an individual who is the impetus for innovation; the details may be worked out by a team, but true innovation results from the enterprise and unique perception of an individual."

 

 

According to the foregoing sentence the author has emphasized that individual aptitude and excellence is the primary impetus of innovation. I am not entirely in consensus with this argument. It is a strong argument; however I don’t consider it unblemished.

I comply with the fact that individual contribution and aptitude is very important but alone an individual cannot be successful without the help of the entire team who believe in the capability, dexterity and vision of the individual. There are a myriad of evidence which are pertinent to this reality. Google started as a small company by two graduates however it became an enterprise because of the contributions of group of people who shared the same vision as the founders. Same story is applicable for Microsoft, GE, IBM, APPLE and other enterprises which started as a small vision and gradually evolved as a pioneer in their respective field. This was possible because of the people who were pragmatic enough to nurture and grow the vision of their founders.

This is true in all aspects of the society. The idea of “Micro Banking” was conceptualized by a single person but it became immensely popular because of the people who had faith in the idea and materialized the same. The idea along with its implementation was considered a noble venture and hence it won global recognition and even the “Nobel Prize”.

 

Thus an individual, how much gifted he may be is prone to failure if his idea is not considered poignant by the people. The mechanics as a whole is very important for the metamorphosis of a theory to practical usability and without the support of the environment that is the followers to be precise theories remain as theories and they never see the dawn of the day. An individual can bloviate and contemplate with his genius mind for decades, but how fruitful or beneficial is a theory without its practical implementation. It remains as a brain child and gradually desiccates to oblivion.

Thus to summarize my argument I would emphasize upon the fact, it important for a brilliant individual to come up with revolutionizing and mind boggling idea but it should be supplemented with the trust and belief of the people who are the eminent factor for making the idea a reality.

[conticuere]

Dear Joy,

 

I enjoy reading your essays because I can tell how much vocabulary you've packed in there lately! But you absolutely must use the words you choose correctly. It seems to me as though you are writing your essays with the purpose of showing off this vocabulary rather than making a clear argument. This essay was extremely difficult for me to read because I had to sift out the vocabulary to try to understand your underlying ideas. Due to the usage problems and the lack of a clear, consistent and well-developed point of view, I think this essay would get a score of 2.

 

Here are the usage errors:

 

1 - "consensus." You mean agreement. A single person can't be in consensus with a single argument.

2 - "unblemished." You mean perfect, flawless. Unblemished is inappropriate.

3 - "comply." You mean agree. "Comply" means to agree to an obligation.

4 - "dexterity." Eliminate. This does not contribute anything and "dexterity" means more like "adroit," or "skilled with the hands," "deft" than what you intend.

5 - "There are a myriad of evidence" - You mean, "there are myriad examples," or "There is myriad evidence" (less likely). In English, "myriad" is ONLY correct as an adjective. Be careful with subject-verb agreement.

6 - "reality." I think you mean "fact," or "situation"; "reality" just sounds downright strange.

7 - "Google started as a small company by two graduates however it became an enterprise because of the contributions of group of people who shared the same vision as the founders." : This is a run-on sentence. You should say, "Google started as a small company by two graduates; however, it became an enterprise because of the contributions of the group of people who shared the same vision as its founders."

8 - "pragmatic" This word choice is very inappropriate. If they are "pragmatic," they are practical - therefore they are unlikely to nurture a vision - they would, on the contrary, attempt to stanch its growth.

9 - "the society" - "society"

10 - "conceptualized" - OK I guess, but more natural: "conceived"

11 - "materialized the same" - This doesn't make sense.

12 - "Nobel Prize" : no need for quotation marks.

13 - "Thus an individual, how much gifted" - "Thus an individual, NO MATTER HOW gifted"

14 - "metamorphosis" - Inappropriate. Better: "development"

15 - "dawn of the day" - "dawn of day"

16 - "bloviate" - do you mean "obviate" ? At any rate, "obviate" is inappropriate - obviate means to anticipate so as to render unnecessary. In this case however, "obviate" does not carry the idea across correctly.

17 - end practical implementation with a question mark

18 - "dessicates": "dessicates" means to "dry up." You're not using it correctly here and it just sounds silly!

19 - "Thus to summarize my argument I" - "Thus, to summarize my argument,..."

20 - "emphasize upon" - should be "emphasize"

21 - "mind boggling idea" - should be "ideas"

22 - "supplemented" - should be "complemented"

 

Finally, your argument is really hazy to me. Essentially your point is that individuals come up with the ideas, but you need a team of followers to help implement it. You should say that much more clearly and support it with examples rather than rambling on with useless GRE words.

 

One more thing: the "issue" essay does not ask you to critique or analyze an argument, which is what you seem to be doing in the first paragraph. Don't do it. Just write your introduction with a view to your main point, and develop that point with rigorous examples.

 

 

GRE WORDS USED IMPROPERLY WILL NOT HELP YOUR SCORE!!!

[joy_mookerji]

Thanks for your diligent feedback friend.

You are right,words used in the wrong context surely have a negative impact.

However as you said,I was not showing off my vocabulary or being ostentatious in the forum.

I was trying to put my thoughts into words and get some feedback from other people and at the same time I was trying to help others preparing for the test.

I have a strong affinity for words and its not a recent endeavor of mine to enrich my vocabulary;I have been meticulously doing it for a long time.

I apologize to you and all the forum members if I have put up a wrong message while expressing my thoughts.

However I appreciate your comments and look forward for your unbiased criticism about my essays.

Thanks and Regards

Joy

[learningbird]

Well thats a great issue u have written.

But could you quote some more examples and dwell them to a certain depth. This can increase the length of your passage as well as could corroborate your idea.

Thank you