Please score my essay

[nilu2079]

TOPIC # with which opinion do you agree? Give reason to support your answer?

 

Some people say that all students should have to participate in physical exercise every school day. Other people believe that sports are not important and that student should spend the whole school day on academic studies.

 

 

Now a days our life is so sedentary then also no one has a time to do some exercise. Exercises are the basic necessity of life. We should make a habit to spend some time in exercise daily. I believe that in school student should spend at least some in physical exercise, so this will become habit for them .And they can continue this routine in their future also.

 

 

Exercise is necessary for proper growth and development of the children. Physical growth is totally depends upon the activities the person does. Child who is good in sports will have good physique. Than the child who is not involve in any sports activity. Studies are also important but this does not mean that the student should stop playing and keep on studying .Physical activities like games or exercise also helps in relaxing and refreshing the person .So after games the child can study more and with more concentration.

 

 

In the last months news paper they have shown the survey they had done that ,now a days obesity has increased more in school going children because of the decrease in physical activities. In school students mostly eats junk food which is very bad for the health .And because of less physical activity their weight increase .This also has a bad effect on the heart .Less exercise more high cholesterol food leads to so many diseases in the children also.

 

 

Earlier children used play more outdoor games like badminton, hockey, and football. Now video games have come, computer games in which you can only sit and play no physical activity. Children spend most of the time in front of the computer only. Now transport facility is also improved a lot. Every school has a bus facility to pick up the student from home, so they do not walk

 

 

In my opinion not only student but we all should spend at least some time in doing some exercise to give ourselves fit and for healthy life without any disease.

Hi All

I m really helpful for everone ,for spending their time and helping me to improve daily and letting know my mistakes. I have my exam on 22.And i want to improve ,so that i can get the required score.

Thanks

neelu

[awhig]

TOPIC # with which opinion do you agree? Give reason to support your answer?

 

Some people say that all students should have to participate in physical exercise every school day. Other people believe that sports are not important and that student should spend the whole school day on academic studies.

 

 

 

Now a days our life is so sedentary then also no one has a time to do some exercise.[say it as: Today our lives have become busy that no one get time for exercising ] . Exercises are the basic necessity of life. We should make a habit to spend some time in exercise daily. I believe that in school student should spend at least some in physical exercise, so this will become habit for them .And they can continue this routine in their future also. [Here put the main points: exercise is required for physical growth,personality grooming and activeness ]

 

 

 

Exercise is necessary for proper growth and development of the children. Physical growth is totally depends upon the activities the person does. Child who is good in sports will have good physique. Than the child who is not involve in any sports activity. Studies are also important but this does not mean that the student should stop playing and keep on studying .Physical activities like games or exercise also helps in relaxing and refreshing the person .So after games the child can study more and with more concentration. [ok]

 

 

 

In the last months news paper they[Who are they??] have shown the[wrong] survey they had done that ,now a days obesity has increased more in school going children because of the decrease in physical activities. In school students mostly eats junk food which is very bad for the health .And because of less physical activity their weight increase .This also has a bad effect on the heart .Less exercise more high cholesterol food leads to so many diseases in the children also.

[good point...develop properly]

 

 

Earlier children used play more outdoor games like badminton, hockey, and football. Now video games have come, computer games in which you can only sit and play no physical activity. Children spend most of the time in front of the computer only. Now transport facility is also improved a lot. Every school has a bus facility to pick up the student from home, so they do not walk [What do you want to convey,is this point different from above??]

 

 

 

In my opinion not only student but we all should spend at least some time in doing some exercise to give ourselves fit and for healthy life without any disease.

[stretch it]

 

 

 

 

Hi All

I m really helpful for everone ,for spending their time and helping me to improve daily and letting know my mistakes. I have my exam on 22.And i want to improve ,so that i can get the required score.

Thanks

neelu

 

Score: 3.5 - 4.0

Comments:

1. Improve a bit.

2. Points are ok , develop them.

3. Avoid repetition and write as many different points as you can.

4. Keep on trying.

 

Good Luck.

[boyz]

Some people say that all students should have to participate in physical exercise every school day. Other people believe that sports are not important and that student should spend the whole school day on academic studies.

 

 

 

Now a days our life is so sedentary then also no one has a time to do some exercise. Exercises are the basic necessity of life. We should make a habit to spend some time in exercise (to exercise) daily. I believe that in school student should spend at least some in physical exercise, so this will become habit for them. (Do not start a new sentence with AND) And they can continue this routine in their future also.

 

Exercise is necessary for proper growth and development of the children. Physical growth is totally (totally) depends upon the activities the person does. Child who is good in sports will have good physique. (This is a continuation why did you make it as a new sentence à), Than the child who is not involve (involved) in any sports activity. Studies are also important but this does not mean that the student should stop playing and keep on studying. Physical activities like games or exercise also helps in relaxing and refreshing the person. So after games the child can study more and with more concentration.

 

In the last months news paper they have shown the survey they had done that ,now a days obesity has increased more in school going children because of the decrease in physical activities (In a recent survey carried out by a popular newspaper points out that obesity has increased among the school children who are not involved in physical activities ) . In school, (comma is needed) students mostly eats (eat) junk food, (comma is needed) which is very bad for the health. And because of less physical activity their weight increase. This also has a bad effect on the heart. Less exercise and more high cholesterol food leads to so many diseases in the children also.

 

Earlier children used play more outdoor games like badminton, hockey, and football. Now video games have come, computer games (not required here) in which you can only sit and play no (and it does not require) physical activity. Children spend most of the time in front of the computer only. Now transport facility is (has) also improved a lot. Every school has a bus facility to pick up the student from home, so they do not walk (This is a good idea, you could have developed it)

 

In my opinion not only student but we all should spend at least some time in doing some exercise to give ourselves fit and for healthy life without any disease.

Score : 4.0

You've increased the length of the essay substantially, its more than 400 words :) . Try to keep it around 300 words which is more than enough. The are couple of reasons why I say, first, the number of mistakes will not increase. Second, you need to repeat the points, rather you can develop new points.

Concentrate on the grammar part.

 

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