justforwriting

Glad I can help. Good luck!

"In today's world, human are dependent upon machines and also machines need human mind for getting manufactured and instructions" --> "Even though some machines can do things that the human mind cannot, it is still the human mind that creates and maintains machines. In my opinion, neither the human mind or the machine is superior to the other because depending on the situation, one will trump the other in whatever task is at hand." Since your expression is not perfect, don't leave your reader to try to understand what you are implying, especially at key points in your essay. For your thesis statement, just clearly state the point you are trying to support. No where in your essay do you show how dependency on someone/something means that the person or thing is not superior to the other. Albert Einstein depended on other mathematicians to develop his theories on relativity, but most people will say that his intellect was far superior to those mathematicians because it was his genius mind that came up with the theory of relativity. As you are writing, you need to think more carefully on what someone might say to refute your reason/example and then try to qualify that point. If your reasons/examples are so strong that there is no rebuttal to them, then those are the ideas you want to you. "Deep Blue," a chess playing computer beat the world's best chess player in Garry Kasparov back in 1997. This example clearly shows that the machine beat the human mind. You cannot argue that fact, but you can show that even though the machine beat the human, it was the human mind that created the machine in the first place. The reasons you use (fulfilling people's needs and machines being more efficient, paragraphs 2 and 3, respectively) do not show that machines are superior to the human mind. You need to make the connection that people being dependent on machines shows that machines are somehow superior to the human mind. Talking about efficiency of machines is irrelevant to the topic. Unfortunately, the reasons you use make your examples irrelevant. Either connect your reasons to the topic by showing how dependency means the person or thing has superiority over the other, or think of new reasons. Having strong ideas is the key to writing a good essay, so make sure you take the time to brainstorm (at least 5 minutes) after reading the topic before you write your essay. Good luck!

Your introduction's second sentence is grammatically incorrect, making it confusing and difficult to understand. Your introduction will work fine without it. You should never attack the validity of an argument topic's survey or study. The information is fact, but you can challenge how that information supports the author's conclusion. Just because the survey in this topic was a telephone survey, does that make people more likely to not tell the truth when giving their responses? (You give no support for this idea.) Pointing out that only percentages were given and not real numbers, that is a good point in showing how the survey could be unreliable in trying to prove that hiring older employees would be better in increasing productivity and saving money. Paragraph 3's first sentence, "even if the survey's result can represent the fact," what "fact" are you talking about? The rest of the paragraph is logically sound, but be careful with your spelling (lever = level, appeals = appears). Paragraph 4's second sentence does not maintain parallel structure ("...producing, management and employees" should be "productivity, management and employees"). Instead of using this sentence, just make your first sentence stronger: "Furthermore, the director unfairly assumes that the work of automobile workers in factories is similar to printing, so productivity would improve if the director hired older workers." Your first rebuttal is a good idea, but again, the expression needs to be more precise. "However, working at a printing company can vary greatly from an automobile factory because the level of supervision is not needed as much at a printing company compared to an automobile factory." Your use of "perhaps" in your first sentence for paragraph 5 hurts your argument. You need to change it to "could" to make your logical argument more persuasive. Overall, your essay is good. Just keep working on your expression and grammar, and you should do very well. For this essay, I would say you would get a score of a 4.

Your essay does not adequately respond to the topic. According to the speaker, MUST people who want reform have to be viewed with disdain? You point out in your introduction that these people wanting reformation must be united in their belief for change, but that does not answer whether they must give up their own reputation and social standing. Saying that the statement "mingles different attitudes in different situations" is unclear in meaning because we do not use the word "mingle" the way you do here, and your previous sentences do not show what kind of situations you might be referring to. Moreover, you then state that you can't agree with this "mingling," but your body paragraphs do not really explain this. In paragraph 2, you discuss how due to inequality (not equity/inequity - wrong word), people want reform. (Don't use "a" before the word reform. Just "reform" is correct. Don't use "the" before the word reform either unless you are referring to a specific reform that the reader knows what you are referring to, such as financial reform.) You also say that it is due to inequality that leads to ALL reform. That's a very strong statement that you don't provide enough examples to support. (Was the Protestant Reformation due to inequality? No, Martin Luther wanted reformation because the Catholic Church strayed from Jesus' teachings.) Be careful when using words like "all," "never," or "none" because supporting statements with those words is very difficult. What you should do is begin paragraph 2 with the sentence that begins with "thus." It will help your reader quickly know the point you are trying to make. From that point, showing the examples about Chinese peasants and black slaves wanting to improve their social standing is good in refuting the speaker's position. Then showing why they want reform (inequality) would make more sense. I do not understand what you are trying to say in paragraph 3. You talk about inequality, to new government, to greed, back to inequality, to reforming utopia (what is this?), then "goals of changes in status are not achieved" (again, I do not understand what this means). Basically, you don't have a main point here in body 2, so all you have are just a bunch of ideas together. After reading your last paragraph, that is when I figured out that you were trying to qualify the topic, but it was too little, too late. Make sure you clearly tell your reading what you are trying to prove, and then use better reasons and examples. The ideas about Chinese peasants and black slaves is good, but everything else is just irrelevant. I would say this essay would get at most a score of a 3. Think of better ideas, make sure you have a strong thesis statement, and you should be able to write a much higher scoring essay.

Your introductory paragraph does not have a thesis statement. Do you agree or disagree with the topic? You need a clear sentence that shows this. In paragraph two, your last sentence uses two verbs (are & work) together, a common mistake for non-native writers. Make sure you focus on what point you are trying to make and select the correct word (work, in this case). Paragraph 3's last sentence uses far too many commas. The ones after "although" and "but" are unnecessary. Your ideas in paragraph 4 are hard to understand because of your expression. I think the point you are trying to make is that machines do not have emotions, so they cannot make the same type of decisions that humans can. So what? How does this have any importance to your position (which you are lacking). Your essay doesn't really answer the topic. You need to write a clear thesis sentence showing whether you support the speaker's position or not. After reading what you wrote here, it sounds like you are trying to qualify and show that the human mind is sometimes superior, but not always. The examples you use in paragraph 2 do not really show how machines are smarter than humans. Your example in paragraph 3 shows that machines cannot advance without the human mind, making the human brain superior to machines. This is the only example that is somewhat relevant to the topic, but you don't bring home the point of the superiority of the human mind, but instead, you go on a tangent about efficiency. Make sure you understand what the main point of the topic is and then take at least 5 minutes to brainstorm carefully and think of the best reasons and examples to either agree, disagree or qualify. This essay, in my opinion, would get a 2. Your expression and grammar are fairly good though, so as long as you have the right ideas to put into your essay, you should get a much higher score.