mannu unnam

Gmat girl, However, I am very new to the gmat world but would suggest you to break the long sentences into the smaller one. For an example, your first paragraph is full of commas(,) which is not wrong in itself but why to create unncessary redundancy and give an impression of rapping up the whole paragraph in just two long sentences. Another thing you need is to support your critique with examples though they need not to be long but should make sense to overall critique. Especially looking at the third para where your have mentioned very strong reasons like geographical, political and financial differences lacks the support of examples. It could have been well supported with the example and you would have provided a strong critique in this paragraph.

Dear Friends, I have just joined this portal and also I am about to take my GMAT in 25 days. Although, I have completed all my studies and now I am on practicing mode. I am finding it little difficult to write an essay for the AWA section. I am pasting my first essay to now all your feedback and suggesstions on following parameters: 1. Style 2. Grammer. 3. Overall suggestion how to improve. 4. flaws in writing. In some countries, television and radio programs are carefully censored for offensive language and behaviour. In other countries, there is little or no censorship. In your view, to what extent should government or any other group be able to censor television or radio programs? Explain, giving relevant reasons and/or examples to support your position. However, it is a very controversial issue whether both television and radio should carefully censor their programme for an offensive language and behaviour. I would support the first impression from the issue rather than the second one, which I think is not only necessary to have a healthy and sophisticated society, but to have a great and healthy and cultured civilisation. First, in absence of censorship, programmes would convey wrong influence to the societies as a whole. Most of the time children, who are unable to differentiate between wrong and right, get impressed with the slang or words used in either advertisement or the program in any form of media are inappropriate or considered to be an abuse at some extent in daily life. For example, a study was conducted by a NGO has revealed the behavioural changes in children who liked the particular advertisement that has used uncensored words. In addition, some of the programmes, especially in television show lot of violence and an adult shows. These kinds of programmes not only can harm a child but also they can provide a substantial harm to the younger part of the society. For example, a study conducted by a news channels has revealed that cases of rapes and murders have increased substantially between the age group of 20 to 30. To add more to the issue, I would like to enlighten an uncensored and frequent advertisement of smoking products that can results devastating health conditions among the society. For example, study conducted to provide an analysis of most popular cigarette brand in India has also enlighten the fact that how has the brand reached to the stage of popularity. Since the cigarette brand was endorsed by the popular actor, the sale of the product has observed an enormous increase as compared to the previous years when brand was not endorsed by any of the actor. However, the several medical researches on the other hand have revealed that the cases of lung infections have increased substantially higher than ever before in the previous two years. Although it can be said that some sort of censorship should be made essential for the television and radio programmes, there should be a monitoring wing to describe the censorship because the audience or viewer cannot distinguish between the right and wrong. Mannu Unnam